House of the Idiots
by Agent47Rulz
Summary: Umbrella's finest, Wesker, Krauser, and Ada all live in the same apartment. With the help of the Birkins, Alyssa and their landlord can the trio survive! Chapter 22: Krauser's trial is finally underway, and with a load of 'character witnesses' there's only a matter of time before someone gets hurt. Its Umbrella VS. The Law. Courtroom style!
1. Of bunk beds and fast food

House of the Idiots Chapter one

The scene sets on a very small apartment building in the middle of a big city. On the outside it seems like a harmless apartment, yet on the inside no one can see the chaos forecoming. As the image of the apartment atop the tall building gets closer the sounds of the police sirens, horns honking, and people cussing starts to diminish and the sounds of what seems like arguing are replaced.

Inside the apartment we see Albert Wesker sitting on a small yellow sofa grumbling to himself as he tries to do his lab reports. In the backround the sounds of the arguing come to there climax and the scene settles on an image of Ada and Krauser pushing each other back and forth, "NO the top bunks mine!" "Its mine I called it first when we got here!" "Well I called it on the plane ride" Ada said with a greedy smile. "THAT DOESN'T COUNT!! You actually have to be in the building before you call it!"

And with that he pushed Ada into the back of the couch knocking her into Wesker and causing him to make an ink blot on the papers he was signing. He growled angerly and stared up at the two immature "children". "What the hell is wrong with you people, Ada your in your 20s and Krauser your in your friggen 30s what in the hell is wrong with you two?!"

"Well she says she called the top bed on the plane ride but I told her that she can't until she steps into the door." "I can't believe you two are fighting over a god damn bed!!!" Krauser mumbled something along the lines of "She started it" and Wesker put his hand to his face in annoyance. "Ok 'kiddies' heres the deal how bout if Krauser gets the top bed and you Ada will get to pick where we eat tonight." "_Sigh_ fine I guess" Ada said with slight annoyance and laid back on the bottom bed. "YIPPEEEE!!!" Krauser yelled in a girly squeal and dove on the top bed, breaking the poles holding it up with his weight and causing it to crash down on Ada. "AAAH!" she screamed and was engulfed by the bed. Krauser who had his eyes closed with a bright smile slowly opened them, "Ada...um...Ada.

Krauser, Wesker, and Ada made there way down the dusty city streets. "So Ada where you wanna eat?" Wesker asked in a more blank tone then curious. "And no Chinese." Krauser quickly added. "I wasn't gonna suggest Chinese you racist bastard. Hmn...how bout something fast like McDonalds?" "Fine with me" They both said in unison and made there way to the first MickeyD's they saw.

They walked through the doors of McDonalds and were greeted by the sweet sent of frenchfries and vomit. They walked up to the girl behind the cash register who gave them a bright cheeky smile, "Can I help you please." Wesker stared up at the menu for a sec, i'll take a number 4 with large fries, and these two 'children!' will have the kids meals."

Ada pouted, "Hey we will not!" but Krauser smiled happly, "Speak for yourself I want the toy all I need is one more and I complete my WWll collection happy meal toys!" Ada just rolled her eyes and looked at the menu,"i'll have a number-5-no-pickles-number-3-hold-sauce-number-7-extra-mayo-but-no-cheese-twenty-piece-chicken-nuggets-with-BBQsauce-6-orders-of-large-fries-largest-coke-ya-got," She took a large breath, "And a small caesar salad...after all gotta watch the figure you know."

She stared at the girl behind the register and saw she had her mouth hung open and her eyes bulging out. She looked to her right at Wesker and Krauser. Wesker had one eyebrow raised behind his glasses and his mouth slightly ajar, and Krauser stared with both eyes completly wide and a little drool coming out of his mouth. "What?" Ada said defensivly.

After they got there order they sat at one of the booths in the middle of the restraunt. Wesker ate his at a normal pace taking occasonal glances at Ada who was gorging down all her food she ordered. Krauser didn't even start eating his food yet and was happy that he got his last toy for his collection.

"Oh no look out Roosevelt its Hitler and Mussolini aaaah." Krauser was rocking back and forth the mini Roosevelt in his little wheel chair who had a tommy gun his his hand. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the a little figure of Hitler giving his salute and Mussolini giving his weird walk. He started to hit them against the Roosevelt figure. Krauser was looking very happy and decided to pull out his new toy "Never fear Roosevelt Harry Truman will save the day." He said pulling out a little plastic model of Truman with an attachable A-bomb. He pushed the little button on the bottom of him and fired the plastic A-bomb into Hitler and Mussolini toppoling them over. "Hooray! We did it!" He yelled and got his models of Roosevelt, Truman, Churchill, and Stalin to jump up and down in victory. Wesker sighed "God I hate this idiot."

Wesker got done his food before his friends and just leaned back on his side of the booth that he had for himself, putting his legs on the booth and sticking his head back whistling a cheery tune. While he had his head upsidedown he looked at the other side of the room and his eyes went wide when he noticed Chris and what looked like Jill and Rebecca all laughing at a table on the side of the restraunt.

Chris just got done laughing at a joke he made and looked over to the middle of the room to see an image of Wesker his head upside down staring wide eyed which you could see through his glasses, and his mouth still in a whistle pose. His eyes went wide for a sec and then they came down into a glare of pure hatred. He got up leaving a confused Jill and Rebecca and moved over to where Wesker, Ada, and Krauser were sitting.

"Oh shit." Wesker said in a medium tone and moved his head upright and started to whistle again watching Chris approaching in the corner of his eye. Chris walked up to his table and stared at Wesker with hate, his hand closed into a tight fist. Wesker looked as if he was suprised to see him, "Oh hi there Chris-" "DON'T 'hi Chris' me you traitorus bastard!!"

Ada looked up and stared at the two and Krauser just kept playing with his toy figures. "Chris Chris" he said with a nervous chuckle, "Can we let by gones be by gones and move on with are-" He stopped the sentence short and kicked Chris in the balls from under the table. "RUN!!!" he yelled grabbing Ada who in return grabbed Krauser.

Krauser didn't know what hit him when Ada grabbed him and because of it dropped his Truman, Roosevelt, and Mussolini toys. "NOO!!! We have to go back!!" "No time!" Wesker yelled and pushed open the door. Krauser reached into his pocket and pulled out his Eisenhower figure and said in an Eisenhower voice "I shall return!" and was pulled out the door.

Back at the apartment Wesker was rubbing his head from the headache he was in while Ada was laying on the couch with her hand to her stomach with gurgling sounds coming from her gut. "Aww I shouldn't have had those last four sandwichs." She said with a moan and closed her eyes.

Wesker's headache became a lot worse when he heard the sound of a hammer coming from the bedroom from Krauser trying to fix the bed. Wesker grimanced a bit and said with a yell, "Can you keep it down in there Krauser?!" "Do you want the bed fixed or not?!!" "Why the hell do I care i'm not even sleeping on it I got the friggin couch." "Haha what a loser." "SHUT THE FUCK UP KRAUSER!!! If you didn't keep making all those prank phone calls with the Umbrella B.O.W. reasearch facilities phone we wouldn't have to live in this crappy little hellhole!!! Now if you can just get done fixing the bed your fat ass broke I can finally lie on my couch and get some sleep!"

"Hey Ada?" Krauser said in a mischiveous tone, "Want some of my leftover cheeseburger." Ada's eyes lit up and her cheeks puffed out causing her to do something pretty disgusting all over Wesker's couch. "Man I hate my life" he muttered to himself with Krauser laughing and Ada groaning in the backround.

_Authors note: Im sorry if the WWll happy meal toys offended anybody expecially the Atom bomb part, I only put that in because Truman was the one who ordered the atom bomb not because of the destruction it caused on the good people of Japan. Reviews and suggestions of the next chapter and what city this apartment should be in (close to Raccon city) are welcome._


	2. A pretty stupid rescue mission

House of the Idiots Chapter 2

Ada walked into the small apartment, a bag of groceries in one of her hands and the apartment key in the other. She set the groceries on the table and noticed that Wesker was on the other side of the room sticking his head out the window. She raised an eyebrow and walked over to see what Wesker was doing. "Come on Krauser you don't wanna do this over that small of a thing it'll be alright buddy!" He yelled up on the roof.

Ada walked over to Wesker, "Wesker whats going on." Wesker looked over his shoulder a little suprised to see Ada there, "Krausers on the roof of the building threatening to jump." Ada's eyes lit up at that statement, "What why?" "The dumbass is about to jump because he lost his Happy Meal toys yesterday." Ada stood there silent for a second, "Well...why don't we let him jump?" "I thought the same thing but to get my attention that asshole took my DVD player up with him." "Oh." Ada stuck her head out the window and saw Krauser standing on the edge of the building with Wesker's DVD player in his hands and a sad look on his face. "I'm gonna do it im gonna jump!" Ada felt sorry for him looking into his sad eyes. "Come on Krauser its no big deal there just toys." "They weren't just toys they were my best friends!" Wesker muttered to Ada, "Thats pretty sad." Wesker was getting sick of this he wanted his DVD player back and he wanted it now. "Um...Krauser tell you what you come down with the DVD player and we will go get your toys back ok." Krauser smiled a big happy yet creepy smile and started to jump up and down, "SWEET!"

While doing this the pinhead lost his balance and stumbled off the side of the building plumeting to the ground. Wesker, Ada, and Krauser all screamed bloody murder and Wesker grabbed Krauser's left foot as he fell and Ada grabbed his right foot. "Hang on Krauser!" Ada yelled. "Oh im hanging!" he said slightly sarcastically. Wesker started to reach down towards Krauser's arms and Ada thought he was trying to grab him and pull him up. "Just a little further...GOT IT!" Wesker yelled happly pulling his DVD player inside the window and in the mean time let go of Krauser's foot sending him plummeting towards the ground and in reaction pulled Ada out the window with him since she was still hanging onto his foot.

Wesker smiled happly and walked to the TV to set up his DVD player completly forgeting about Ada and Krauser whos screams could be heard slowly fading through the window. Wesker hooked up the DVD player and put in a movie he rented:Resident Evil-Apocalypse:.

He started to watch it but got bored of it about 15 minutes in, "This is so stupid and unrealistic! Like an entire town could be under siege by zombies because of a big medical companies mistake! But I sure do like that hot chick in the blue what was her name...oh yea Jill Valentino or somethin. Wish I could have a hot tamale like that on the S.T.A.R.S team." He grinned a little bit thinking of him with Jill when he heard a knock at the door and his face froze in fear. "Oh...my...God." He totally forgot about his roomates and cautiously made his way to the door looking through the little hole to see a very pissed off Krauser and Ada which for some reason were covered in trash. He gave a small gulp and slowly opened the door a little leaving the chain lock on so they couldn't fully get in the door.

"Hehe hey guys whats up?" "Oh nothing really just fell 20 stories into a garbage truck is all nothing big." Ada said sarcastically. "Hehe hey thats great guys so um theres a hose downstairs why don't you guys go wash off and we'll get something to eat." Ada snarled suddenly and tried to grab Wesker through the slightly opened door. Wesker backed up a little bit and then started to grin, "Haha can't get me can you." His laugh was cut short when Krasuer casually took his knife out and cut the chain on the door which then creaked open all the way. Wesker stared at the door then to his roomates with a weird freaked out look on his face.

After a pounding, a suplex, and a head in the toliet Wesker and is friends made their way back to the McDonalds they were at yesterday to try and find Krauser's toys. They walked through the doors and were greeted by Ronald McDonald himself.

"Hehehe hello there friends welcome to McDonalds would you like a balloon animal?" Wesker sighed with annoyance, "No we don't I was just wondering if anybody turned in any McDonalds toys that were left here yesterday." "Hehehe aww thats to bad well how bout a nice balloon animal?" "No we just want the toys please." He said please with a little bit of stress and the stupid clown just laughed and turned to Ada. "Here you go little girl" he chuckled and gave Ada a balloon flower. Ada blushed a little and gave a slight giggle. He turned to Krauser, "So army man what can I get for you?" Krauser sniffled a little bit still sad over losing his toys and thought of it for a sec, "Well I could use a balloon sword." Ronald smiled a stupid happy smile like you see on the commercials and gave him the sword. Krauser laughed stupidly and swung the sword back and forth like a kid. The clown turned to Wesker again and handed him a balloon. "There you go mister party pooper a little poodle to brighten your day." Wesker looked down at the poodle for a sec which popped in his hand three seconds later.

He started to growl and gave the clown a mean look grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him up, "LOOK you red afroed, makeup wearing freak your gonna tell me if anybody turned in any of your god damn toys because if you don't your gonna be wearing those size 20 shoes up your virgin ass! The clown looked very scared and said in his real squeaky nerdy voice, "Over there sir."

Wesker dropped the clown getting a few weirded out looks from his roomates and some of the people in the restraunt. He walked over to were the clown pointed and found the manager. "Look im trying to see if someone turned in my friend's toys." The manager raised an eyebrow. "Your friend?" He sighed and pointed over to Krauser who was still swinging his balloon sword around. "I see. Well no one turned in the toys but someone did give us some pictures and asked us to give them to a Mr. Albert-" "Wesker" he finished the manager's sentence. "Yep thats right here you go he said giving him a folder that contained the three pictures.

He walked back to Ada and Krauser who came up to him with a look of hope in his eyes, "Did you find them?" "Uuuh no not exactly but some weirdo left us a couple of pictures." Ada grimaced a bit, "You read them first it's probably something dirty." Wesker sighed and opened the folder looking at the three pictures in a suprised expression. "Uh Krauser you might not wanna see these." "What what is it!" Krauser ran over to the pictures to have a look at them. Upon seeing them his eyes widened and he let out a loud "NO!"

"No no way in hell!" Wesker said walking back to the apartment. "Come on Wesker have a heart its the mans only friends." "I don't have any friends and I turned out fine!" Ada never said a word and Wesker said a little more demandingly, "Right?" Ada just looked down at her shoes, "Uh." "Oh screw it!" Wesker yelled and started to walk faster.

They had to leave Krauser at the McDonalds they were at because of his emotional breakdown and were now nearing their apartment. Wesker looked down at the three pictures again and could not friggin believe it. "What kind of jackass does this to a bunch of toys?" He said to no one in particular. On each of the pictures was one of Krauser's toys tied to a normal sized chair with a handgun aimed at their heads. "This is fucking ridiculous" he said annoyed and threw the pictures in the road.

Ada ran in front of him and looked at him with puppy dog eyes, "Pwease Wesker for meeee." Wesker rolled his eyes and sighed, "Fine whatever but you both owe me for this." He took the note that came in the folder and read it over. "Says here if we ever want to see them again to come to this address by nine o' clock." "Well lets go get Krauser and prepare for tonight.

It was fifthteen minutes till nine and Wesker dressed in his HCF uniform, Ada dressed in her assignment Ada clothes, and Krauser dressed like his normal self walked through an alleyway heading to the address posted on the note. They soon found the house which was a small warehouse and instead of coming right in they climbed some crates and jumped into the air vents.

They crawled through to the vents till they came to a small ventilation shaft and spyed through it. Looking down they saw the tops of Chris Redfield, Barry Burton, and Rebecca Chambers. In the middle of them was what looked like the three toys tied to chairs. "Are you sure there gonna come?" Barry asked looking at Chris. "Im sure, that big dumbass Wesker's friends with really loves these stupid pieces of plastic." That comment really pissed Krauser off and he pulled out his knife ready to rip Chris to shreds.

Wesker held him back "Patience Krauser we have to find a way to get down there first." He looked at the ventilation shaft they were standing on and found a screw in each of the four corners. "Krauser if you wanna use that knife to kill, first use it to get us down there. Use it to turn the screws." Krauser got to work on the screws and Wesker was just staring at Chris hoping that he would have some to himself after Krauser was done with him.

Krauser was working on the last screw. Looking at Ada, Wesker came to a realization "Wouldn't of it been easier to just go to McDonalds and get new WWll to-" Wesker was cut short of finishing his sentence when Krauser finished the last screw and the three started to plummit to the earth. "AAAH!" all three yelled still holding onto the shaft that came loose.

It came to the ground and landed right on Rebecca knocking her unconcious and possibly killing her. All three of them stood and dusted themselfs off, temporarly forgetting the enemies around them until they heard the clicking and pumping of guns. They looked up to see Chris with a shotgun and Barry with his magnum glaring at them. "Oh hehe hey fellas so Barry um you ever get that custom Samuri Edge you ordered?" Wesker said trying to talk his way out of this. Barry suddenly smiled, "Oh yes actually its quite nice its got a good firing speed and large bullet capa-" "Barry" Chris said flatly. Barry looked over to see Chris slowly shaking his head. "Oh yea" he said and aimed his gun back again.

Wesker sighed. He had fooled his way out of a lot of tough shit before but having the two guys that hate you more then anything practically shoving a Magnum and Shotgun up your ass was probably the hardest thing he had to get out of.

Wesker held out his hands in a pleading manner, "Aww come on Chris I know you and the S.T.A.R.S members-" "Remaining S.T.A.R.S. members." Chris pointed out. "um yea remaining S.T.A.R.S members hate me and all but isn't this going to far? I mean for Christ's sake you have happy meal toys tied up to chairs!" Chris just smiled "Well it got you here didn't it?" Chris did have a point and Wesker didn't know what else to say. Barry looked down and back up at Wesker, "By the way mind getting of the medic?" Wesker looked down and realized they were all still standing on the shaft with Rebecca under it. "Oh...hehe sorry." They all back up off the medic and looked back at Chris who raised his Shotgun at Wesker's head ready to shoot it off.

Wesker started to plead and Ada looked petrified but Krauser wasn't really paying attention and just stared at a lever that was right next to him. "Shiny" he muttered and pulled it down which turned off all the lights in the room.

"Shit!" Chris yelled and started to fire the shotgun randomly in the dark. After about six shots he heard a yell and put a flashlight on happly eager to see what bastard he shot. Turning it on he saw he hit Barry who was now holding his ass. "What the hell Chris!" He yelled out jumping up and down and running in tiny circles holding his injured ass. Chris apologized and quickly pumped his shotgun again and started to search for the three.

Wesker was hiding behind a pole at the end of the room looking around it at Chris and quickly pulled back when Chris shined the flashlight on his positon. Krauser was on top of a pile of crates lieing completly flat.

Ada was hiding next to a crate until Chris spotted her and fired a shell missing her when she did a cartwheel and ran past the tall stack of crates Krauser was lieing on. Chris knew it would be pretty hard to shoot her while she kept moving so he fired at the tall stack of crates.

Krauser felt the crates start to move and was soon falling with them to the ground "Holy shit!" He yelled and landed face first onto the pavement below. The crates also fell on Ada trapping her by her leg. Chris walked up raised an eyebrow at Krauser and aimed the shotgun at Ada. She closed her eyes waiting for the shot when something was heard on the catwalk above.

"SHEKAMEKAAAAAAAAAAA!" Wesker yelled a war cry and dove from the catwalk high above and flew through the air aiming for Chris. But Wesker misjudged the jump and did a face plant three feet from him. Chris stared in disbelief and was soon blindsided on the side of his head by a crowbar from Krauser. "Wow Krausr you actually did something" Ada said in a suprised tone freeing her leg. "Where in the hell are my toys!" He said in his normal deep evil voice.

The three turned back on the lights and made there way to the chairs ignoring Barry still running around holding his ass and cursing. Ada untied the first one and held it in her hand, "Here you go Krauser" she said reaching over to drop the toy in Krauser's hand. "Wait a sec," Wesker said in a suspicious voice, "These are just dead rats with paint on them" he said holding one of the painted rats in his by its tail

Ada gave a creeped out face and looked down at the dead rat she was holding. She gave a loud shreik and shaked her hand free of the rat and cringed at the thought of holding it. "Then where the hells my toys?" Krauser asked in an angry tone.

"Oh boys." They looked over to where the voice was coming from and saw Jill Valentine in what looked like a back room. "Looking for these?" She stepped aside and what looked like the three figurines strapped to a board and slowly advancing to a work saw could be seen. "OH MY GOD!" Krauser screamed and raced to the back. Ada tapped Wesker, "Come on Wesker we gotta save them." She ran foward and Wesker just stared in disbelief. "What in the hell is wrong with these people." He said to himself and ran over to help his crazy ass friends.

They ran to the back room, the door closing behind them and Jill came from the side and hit Krauser with a baseball bat on the top of the head throwing him down to the floor. She swung at Ada who backed up avoiding it and slapped her in the face. "Lets go bitch!" she yelled and dove onto Jill. They both started pulling each others hair and scratching each others arms and biting each others necks.

Krauser got up with some help with Wesker and they both watched the catfight unfold. Suddenly slow sexy music started to play and Jill started to suck on Ada's neck. Ada reached behind Jill's shirt seductivly and unhooked her bra. Jill put her hand under Ada's shirt and kissed her passionatly with a little bit of tounge.

"HEY! What in the hell are you two doing! Get the friggin toys so we can get the hell outta here!" Wesker and Krauser snapped back to reality and blushing a little at the fantasy they had and ran over to the toys and tried to pull them off the line. "What the hell they won't budge!" Jill just laughed at the remark, "You fools their tied to that unbreakable board by triple thick alloy steel rope and attached to an iron table and about to be pushed into a solid crystal saw! What are you going to do now Wesker AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHA!" She said with a long devilish laugh.

Wesker just stared at her with a dull expression while she continued her evil laugh and just walked to the other side of the saw table. He paused for a sec staring a Jill who was still laughing and just moved his hand under the table and flicked a switch. The saw stopped and so did the table. "Damn!" She yelled still being pushed down by Ada. Wesker let out a long groan, "Got these people are stupid."

The three were now all back at the apartment at a very late time. Krauser was hugging his recovered toys tight to his cheek, "Oh thank God you guys are safe!" Ada smiled at the oversized lunkhead holding his little toys and thought it was kinda cute, "Krauser how bout you get a nice bath after what happend today and then we'll go watch some TV in are bedroom." Ada suggested. "Ok" he said simply and ran for the bathroom.

Ada could hear the bath water running and looked over to the couch which Wesker was lazily sitting on watching TV. She walked up to the edge of the couch and sat on it giving Wesker a warm smile, "That was really nice what you did for Krauser he really appreciates it." "Yeah yeah well he wouldn't stop whining and I just wanted it to stop ok" he said trying to deny the fact he did something nice for someone. "Ok" Ada said and reached over giving Wesker a kiss on the cheek. Wesker's eyes widened and he gave a slight blush. "See you tommorow," she said in a warm tone and went in her bedroom to get ready for bed.

Wesker layed his head back on the couch and stared up at the ceiling, "Maybe being stuck in this hellhole aint so bad."


	3. A birthday or an assasination?

House Of The Idiots Chapter 3

Krauser cornered Leon in a back alleyway. He grinned with delight as Leon tried to feebily hold up his knife with his messed up arm. "HAHAHA! I've got you now Leon what will you do now!" Leon stared at him with blank eyes and opened his mouth to speak. "Well its going to be sunny with a high of 96 degrees so break out the sunblock its gonna be a scorchor!" Krauser looked at Leon in a freaked out way, "WHAT!"

Krauser shot up from his top bunk and looked down to see it was his clock radio making the noise as the man on it gave the weather. He growled at it for waking him up out of his happy dream and chucked it through the window.

He suddenly heard loud thuds and noises coming from the living room and cautiously opened the bedroom door thinking it might be a burglar. It was Ada. And she was running around the apartment like a mad woman going through stuff and holding a phone book in her hands. She grabbed her cell phone, sat on the couch, and started to search through the phone book.

He walked up to her, "Um Ada...whats up?" She looked at him with gritted teeth, "Albert's birthday is whats up! It's tommorow and I completley forgot!" Krauser raised an eyebrow, "Wesker has a birthday." "Of course he does you dolt! Everyone doe-...you know what screw it I don't have the time just leave me be I have to make some calls!"

Krauser sighed and walked away he walked to the entrance of the apartment and into the small kitchen. He took a kneel next to a counter and came to eye level with his Mussolini toy he had standing there. "What should I do Mussolini, Ada is acting real strange today and I don't know how to help." Not expecting a reply he was suprised when he got one, "Kill her..." Krauser's eyes went as wide as basketballs. He screamed bloody murder and ran into the bedroom slaming the door behind him.

Wesker who was standing at the door gave a slight laugh, "I love messing with that idiot." Ada heard him and quickly threw the phonebook across the room hitting a small candle on a table that was there for show. Wesker walked over to her and looked at her oddly seeing how tense she was, "Everything ok-" "Everythings just fine!" She blurted out suddnely. Wesker raised an eyebrow, "Um thats...great." "Wha-what are you doing back so soon?" "I only went to get a coffee...weird though on the way into the building I was hit on the head of what looked like a radio." "Oh you don't say um mind getting me a coffee or something!" Ada said still shouting and fidgeting. "Uh...sure what do you want in it?" "Whatever takes the longest to get now go!" she said pushing him out the door and slaming it in his face.

Wesker stood in shock in the hallway, "That was weird, guess I better see whats up."

Krauser came out of the bedroom forgetting why he was in there and walked up to Ada, "So where throwing a party for him." "Yeah I have to get a cake, and pizza, some soda, and I have to call all of his friends." Krauser thought for a sec, "Friends?" "Well you know...um...I guess William Birkin and his family...and I guess we should call all of his Co-Workers." Krauser sighed for a sec, "Do we have to invite that weird bastard HUNK?" Ada rolled her eyes, "Yeeees Krauser we do." Krauser groaned in annoyance and sat down on the couch.

"Well we better start getting everything ready." In the backround as Krauser and Ada were talking you could see Albert Wesker slowly inching his way on the outside of the building on the window ledge. He got to the middle of the window and put his ear to the glass trying to listen to their conversation. "So do you think he suspects anything?" "Not a thing so I think we have the upperhand. We lead him out tommorow and when he gets back everyone will be here waiting for him and we make are move." In the backround Wesker had a look of disgust, shock, and anger on his face as he heard the whole thing thinking they were planning to kill him. Ada smiled, "It'll be one hell of a surpise huh." Krauser smriked and rubbed his hands evily, "Yea it will hehehe...do you know theres a phonebook burning in the corner of the room?" Ada turned quickly and looked in the corner to see the phonebook burning from the lit candle. "OH MY GOD!"

She ran over to the corner of the room and picked up the phonebook by its edge. She hit it against the wall and waved it around wildly futily trying to put out the blaze. The blaze got to her hands and she gave a slight shriek, throwing the book across the room hitting the window but putting out the fire.

When the book hit the window it hit right where Wesker's ear was and it knocked him back. Krause and Ada were still talking not looking at the window because the fire was out. Wesker flung his hands wildly in the air in little circles trying desperatly to regain his balance but ended up falling of the side.

"Well i'm going to go get a cake, and Krauser you go borrow a phonebook from one of the other apartments and call up all of Wesker's co-workers to come to the party." "Alright" Krauser said simply and they both walked out of the apartment.

Wesker was sitting behind the coffee shop next to the apartment picking twigs out of his hair from the bush he fell in while thinking about the conversation Ada and Krauser had, "I can't believe it **ow** I thought they were my **ow** friends...I thought I actually found some friends that liked me for me and not my brain." Wesker let out a huge depressed sigh and stared at the ground pulling the last twig out with another **ow**.

He was contemplating running away when he noticed Ada walking from the apartment. "Hmn might as well follow her to see what shes planning." He crept behind the buildings following Ada who was humming a soft tune. He followed her for about two blocks hiding behind a senior citizen once at the crosswalk to stay close to her without being seen.

Ada walked into the cake shop which Wesker could not see the sign of because he ran to the back, climbed up to the roof and went into the air vent. Ada walked in and looked at the cakes. "Hmn this one seems nice. Its big and theres enough for everybody to have a piece."

Wesker who was crawling in the air vents only heard the words big and piece. "A big piece? Shes buying a fucking gun to kill me." Wesker couldn't believe it. He felt something sink in his chest. "Am...am I really feeling sad because Ada hates me?" He asked himself until he felt himself get caught up between the top and bottom of the vent...yep...he was stuck, "Oh shit."

Ada bought the cake which she got the man to put :Happy Birthday Wesker: and was now going to go get some pizza and soda.

Wesker finally got himself out of the vents and was now running after Ada but did it stealthfully so that he could still see what her entire plan was.

_SLAM_. Krauser wasn't having much luck getting a phonebook from the other apartments. All of them either hated the three because they made too much noise or were freaked out by Krauser's scars. He came to the last apartment on the floor, apartment 302. Krauser knocked on the door hoping for the best when none other then Alyssa the news reporter from 'Outbreak' opened up. She looked up at Krauser and gave a slight seductive smirk, "Well hello there big boy what brings you here?" Krauser widened his eyes and backed up a bit as Alyssa took a step foward, "I um...um I was just looking for a phonebook." Alyssa kept her seductive smirk, "Well come on in and we can see if we can find you a 'phone book'. Krauser gulped and walked into the apartment.

Ada made her way into the grocery store to get the stuff she needed with Wesker following inside with her. Wesker needed to find a disguise but he settled for just hiding behind a cardboard cutout of a piece of corn waving. Ada walked through one of the isles and Wesker moved the cardboard cutout down the isle behind her. Ada walked to the end but accidentally bumped into a set of Kitchen knifes knocking them on the ground. Wesker took this time to look around the cardboard cut out and gasped when he saw Ada holding a pack of knifes.

Ada heard a gasp and looked behind her to see a cardboard cutout of corn. She raised an eyebrow but just ignored it put the knifes back on the rack and continued on her way to the chips and soda.

Wesker sat up against the back of the cutout and gave a big sigh, "I can't believe it...shes probably going to use the knifes to chop my body up." A stockboy around 17 or 18 years old with a nerdy look walked by and noticed Wesker with the cutout, "Um sir...what are you doing?" Wesker didn't even look at him, he just said in a flat tone, "Fuck off Grocery boy...i'm not in the mood." The boy just gave a small gasp and walked away.

Ada bought some coke and chips and headed for the pizza shop. Even though Wesker knew he had seen enough he still wanted to follow her.

Krauser walked into the living room with Alyssa and she told him to sit down. She lit some candles and casually walked to the radio turning it on to some slow jazz music. Krauser was sweating a river now and Alyssa walked into the kitchen and came back with some wine, "Would you like a glass while I get the 'phonebook'?" Krauser was pretty thirsty right about now and didn't really want to pass up a drink, "Um...sure why not." She poured him a glass and as she was about to hand it to him she threw it right at his chest soaking his shirt. "OH hehe clumsy me how bout you take off that shirt and i'll wash it for you." Krauser pretty much knew what she was planning but they didn't have a washer at their apartment and he didn't feel like walking all the way to the local laundry mat 5 blocks away so he just gave in and handed her his shirt. Alyssa smiled seeing Krauser's big muscles and walked into the laundry room to put his shirt in the washer and to wear something a little more...'revealing'.

Ada walked into the pizza place and placed an order of 4 pizzas with extra cheese and half pepperoni. While she was waiting she looked out the window to see something blonde. "What the hell?" she muttered and walked out to the front of the pizzaria.

Wesker saw her coming and knew he was busted so decided to keep it cool. She walked out to see him and had a face of utter shock, "We-Wesker what are you doing around here." "Oh you know just out having a walk **enjoying life**" he said with some hostility. "Oh hehe thats great."

There was a ringing sound and the guy behind the counter yelled out to her, "Miss Wong your pizzas are ready." Wesker looked in thinking the pizzas were for a celebration after they killed him, "Thats a lot of pizzas you got there...planning something special?" Ada looked over to the four pizza boxes, "What oh those hehe those are just my uuuuh lunch." Wesker raised an eyebrow, "Reallyyyyy. So you won't mind if I hang around a bit while you enjoy your...lunch." Ada's eyes went wide but she didn't have much of a choice without revealing her plan. She gave out a large sigh, "Sure" she said a little groggy and they both went into the pizzaria.

Ada was now stumbling home weakly, "Uuuuuuh" she moaned feeling the same pain she felt after their trip to McDonalds, "I can't believe I _BURP_ ate four whole pizzas." Her hand shook a bit but she finally succeded in swiping the keycard and made her way up the stairs to her apartment.

Krauser had been waiting several minutes for Alyssa to return so they could look for a phonebook, until he noticed there was one laying near the TV next to the phone. He was about to get up and get it until he heard a voice, "Oooh Mr. Krauser would you mind coming in the bedroom for a sec?" Thinking it was about his shirt he walked into the bedroom noticing more candles and satin sheets. He raised an eyebrow and turned when he heard the door closing behind him. He was greeted by the sight of Alyssa in her lingerie and high heels.

Ada arrived on her floor, stumbling to the apartment when she heard a familiar scream coming from apartment room 302 and was knocked over by a shirtless Krauser that stumbled out. Ada couldn't hold back anymore and when Alyssa came out to drag Krauser back it she threw up all over her.

While Alyssa was screaming and trying to wipe the vomit off Krauser grabbed a dazed Ada and ran for the apartment, "Once again your weak stomach helps me again Ada" he said fast and ran into the apartment slamming the door behind him.

Wesker walked back to the apartment in a depressed mood. Not even the sight of Alyssa in her underwear screaming bloody murder with vomit all over her was enough to pirk him up. He gave a sigh and reached his apartment door. He was about open the door and accept his fate when a voice in the back of his head started talking to him, 'What are you doing Wesker giving up so easily!' "_SIGH_ whats the point I got nothing to live for. Just when I think I made some real friends I find out that they want to kill me!" Wesker said the last words a bit loud and ran around the corner when he heard footsteps coming from his apartment. He looked around to see a shirtless Krauser holding a knife thinking it was Alyssa.

Wesker thought it was for him and let out yet another sigh sinking down against the wall. 'Come on Wesker don't be like this." "I just want to die." 'No you don't thats the city fumes talking. Think about it...wasn't life alot better before you befriended those idiots?' Wesker thought for a sec. The creepy voice in his head was right, before he had those dolts as friends he was a high powerful man with lots of respect. He didn't need friends, if he wanted one he would use fear to get it. So what was the diffrence now? "Your right creepy voice I don't need them. They just hold me back." 'Good you know what you must do" "...Not really." The voice groaned in annoyance, "To be rid of those fools and defend your life you must kill everyone of those fools." "Yeah...YEAH! Your right i'm going to kill them all!" Wesker started to laugh insanly and so did the voice. About 7 seconds of laughing Wesker glared a bit, "Could you stop laughing your hurting my head." Tommorow was going to be a long day.


	4. A real birthday suprise

House Of The Idiots Chapter 4

Wesker slowly awoke on the roof of the apartment building. Not being able to go back to his apartment he had no where else to sleep. Slowly rising he looked at his body to realize he had pigeon crap all over his suit. "Aww what the hell!" Really right now he looked like a total reck. His hair was all frizzy and tangled from the heat vent he slept near. His suit in addition to the pigeon shit was drenched from some rain that fell during the night. His shoes were missing for some reason and when he tried to stand up he crushed his glasses that were laying next to him. "Son of a bitch." He chucked them down off the building.

Krauser awoke by the sound of the glasses tapping the window ledge and looked down to see Ada still sleeping, holding her pillow and sucking her thumb, "Poor bitch in a red dress. She tries so hard." Krauser got down off his bunk and slightly shook Ada to wake her up, "Five more minutes mommy." Krauser had to smile a bit and started to shake her a bit more, "Ada...the party."

Ada's bloodshot eyes shot opened within a fraction of a second and she jumped off the bunk throwing Krauser into the TV knocking it over, "THE PARTY! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! How did I oversleep! I always have the alarm set to...where the hells the alarm clock!" "Beats me" Krauser lied remembering himself chucking it out the window yesterday.

Ada groaned in frustration and ran into the living room grabbing the phonebook and ran to the couch. She stopped dead when she realized something, "Wheres Wesker?"

Wesker was walking through the streets of the city, going to get ready to defend himself that night. In his current state with his ruined suit, hair, and paranoid mind he looked like a crazy homeless person. While walking through the crosswalk a man lightly nudged his shoulder. Wesker sharply turned to him with his eyes rapidly blinking one at a time, "SALALALAAKAPOPAKALEIAL!" Wesker swung his arms on the top of his head like an orangatain.

The man gasped in fear, fell on his ass, and took out his wallet throwing it at Wesker, "Here man take it, take it and leave me alone!" Wesker kept making freaky noises which attracted some police officers walking out of the doughnut shop, "What the hell!" They ran to where Wesker was and unholstered their guns, "Freeze!"

Wesker turned with his cat eyes showing and gave a loud hiss. He used his superhuman ablities to jump onto the roof of a small building and started to run away. The officers stared in disbelief, "The...its the La Chupacabra!" The officers looked at each other for a second, "Were gonna be rich! Don't call for backup we'll be famous!"

Ada ordered 4 more pizzas using the phonebook Krauser took while at Alyssa's apartment and also called up Wesker's Co-workers. "Birkin hi it's Ada." Birkin who was working on his chemicals didn't know what to make of it, "Ada who?" "You know...I tried to steal your G-virus...you stabbed me on the train...I went out with one of your best friends Jon." Hearing silence she sighed, "Your wife shot me in the breast."

Birkin chuckled on the other line, "Oh yeah now I remember so whats up?" "I want you to come over here tonight." "Uh...i'm married." Ada put a hand to her face, "No you moron. I want you and your family to come to a party i'm throwing for Wesker." Birkin made a sound of suprise, "Wow your throwing a party for Wesker?" "Yeah whats the big deal?" "Well I known Wesker since he was 10 and I don't think anybody not even his parents gave two shits about his birthday." Ada started to feel deeply bad for Wesker, "Aww thats so sad. I would have thought at least some of his friends would throw a party for him." Birkin chuckled, "Friends? The only friend I think he ever had was me." "So will you come?" "...sure. we'll be there at 8."

Wesker was now running from rooftop to rooftop dodging gunshots that were coming from the police car that was driving on the street next to him. "Get me closer!" the one with the gun yelled to the driver and he drove up almost on the curb trying to shoot at Wesker who for some reason stoped on a rooftop to do the tango.

_RING RING_ HUNK walked over to his phone which was covered in dust. He had been living in the same warehouse for 10 years and never had a phone call. He picked up the phone and was about to speak, until he realized he forgot how. His eyes widened not knowing what to do. "HUNK?" Ada asked on the other line, "You there?" HUNK tried to make words but only little grunts and moans came out. "Um...yeah. So anyway I was wondering if you wanted to come to a party we're throwing for Wesker...knock once for yes, two for no." HUNK smiled and tapped the phone once.

Wesker made it to a warehouse that Umbrella used to store weapons for it's soldiers. He kicked down the door and ran inside. He started to laugh meniacally at the sight of all the machine guns, gernade launchers, and rocket launchers.

The police car made its way to the warehouse they tracked the 'Chupacarba' at and they stopped short seeing something coming out of the building. "Is that him?" The driver asked confused and noticed he had something in its hands.

Wesker's eyes were bugging out and he started to laugh like a madman. He aimed a rocket launcher at the car and fired. The police screamed in fear hugging each other before the rocket hit their car blowing it up. Wesker grinned and looked in the distance seeing their large apartment building...they were next.

Ada smiled seeing the sight of the apartment all ready for the party. She had the pizzas all set out, the cake was in the corner surrounded by chips, and there were banners and streamers with one that said :Happy Birthday Wesker:. She smiled and put hers and Krauser's presents in the corner near the cake.

The doorbell rang and she opened it to greet William Birkin, Annette Birkin, and Sherry Birkin wearing a party dress. They put their present in the corner. Annette walked over to get some chips, Sherry walked to Krauser and played with him with his WWll toys and William walked up to Ada shiftly, "Hey uh...Ada wheres the bathroom in this joint?" Ada pointed to the bathroom and William walked in.

He reached into his pockets and pulled out some chemicals and a reasearch notepad. Even at a party he needs his work done.

Wesker was slowly making his way back to the apartment still completly insane. While passing the corner of a residental neighborhood he heard a slight jingle playing and looked over to see an ice cream truck giving out some ice cream sandwiches to kids. "Ice cream?" He said in a freaky way like Lisa Trevor. "ICE CREAM!" He screamed and started to charge the ice cream truck.

The man in the truck just gave out another ice cream to the little obese kids with a smile. Suddenly he heard a shout and looked over to see a crazed blonde man, with cat eyes and a rocket launcher running for the truck. He screamed, got to the wheel, and sped off running over a kids foot on the way.

Back at the apartment some more of Wesker's Co-workers showed up and even a few people from the neighboring apartments. The doorbell rang again and Ada opened it to see Alyssa all dressed up in a long silk dress with spagetti straps, "Damn Alyssa its a birthday party not a royal ball." "I know I just want to look good in front of somebody...special." She looked across the room and found what she was looking for.

She slowly advanced on Krauser and Sherry who were playing with the toys. She bent down and looked at them both, "Aww how cute, Krauser voluntered to play with you and your little toys." Sherry looked up at her with a confused expression, "Actually there not mine there hi-" She was cut off by Alyssa looking at the ceiling with sparkling eyes, "Isn't he so dreamy? He would make such a good father."

Sherry looked over to Krauser who had his mouth hung open staring in shock that Alyssa was there. After the shock he quickly got up and ran opening the bathroom door and running inside despite Birkin's objections of "Occupied! OCCUPIED!" Ada heard the doorbell ring again and opened it with a surpise from not seeing anyone. She slowly closed the door, "Thats weird."

She turned around and gave a slight yell seeing HUNK fully dressed in his millitary attire of a gasmask, helmet, and vest. "Uh...hi HUNK you um wanna take the mask off it might scare the other guests?" HUNK knocked the wall twice saying no, "Whatever" she groaned and went to get some soda.

Suddenly she heard something out the window and looked out, the moon eluminating the streets. She saw what looked to be an ice cream truck speeding by and then some crazed man yelling "Ice cream!" run by with it. When they were out of view Ada turned around and headed back to the soda, "What a nut."

Wesker finally got to the apartment building with an ice cream in hand but realized he didn't have his keycard to get in. He just growled and fired a gernade shot blowing down the door. Ada up at the apartment heard the explosion, "What the hell was that?"

Wesker was advancing up the stairs with all his weapons. Some of the people walking down the stairs gave slight shrieks and ran past him. He finally made it to his floor and crept over to the door with an M60 in his hands.

Ada was surveying her party. All and all it was going pretty well. Krauser and Birkin were still in the bathroom, the co-workers and the apartment members were socializing pretty well. The landlord was drinking way too much wine. And Annette and Alyssa were getting close...'real' close.

Suddenly she heard thumps outside, "Oh my God it's Wesker everybody get in postion!" Everybody stood near the door ready to suprise Wesker with cheery smiles on their faces.

Wesker had reached the door and heard Ada yelling for everybody to get ready. He growled again thinking they were about to attack. He gripped his machine gun let out a sigh and kicked open the door.

All of the party guests faces dropped to frowns and looks of confusions, "Wesker?" one of his co-workers asked looking at the crazed blonde with a wicked smile on his face.

Wesker didn't answer and just started to rapidly fire his machine gun into the crowd of party guests. Annette and Alyssa dove for the floor, Ada used a catering plate to reflect some of the bullets, and Sherry was so small she just stood there as the bullets wizzed over her head. Krauser and William couldn't be hit because they were still both in the bathroom. HUNK didn't even care and was watching TV, and the landlord was drunk off his ass and peeing on a fern in the corner.

Everyone else unfourtanitly were pelted full of lead, there bodies all dropping to the floor with thuds. Ada looked at all their bodies with a scream and looked up to see Wesker standing on the kitchen counter aiming a gun at her. His eyes were widening back and forth, and he was starting to foam at the mouth, "You thought you had me didn't you! You thought you were going to lure o'l Albert Wesker into a trap! You even got HUNK in on it you dirty bitch!" he yelled aiming at HUNK who just looked over for a sec and watched TV again.

Birkin poked his head out of the bathroom door wondering what the comotion was. Wesker noticed him and his eyes started to water, "OOOOH Birkin not you too!" Wesker was about to sob, but then he just started to growl and aimed the M60 at him, "If you won't be a friend...then your gonna be an obituary!"

He started to some kind of weird chant and chased Birkin into the bathroom firing the gun from time to time, "Aah Wesker no! Wesker wait no!" Wesker swung the gun widly at him and he now cornered him, Birkin leaning against the toliet to keep his balance. Wesker just started to laugh and was about to pull the trigger when Krauser ,who was hiding behind the shower curtains came out with a slight yell and pushed Wesker into the mirror.

Krauser and Birkin quickly left the bathroom and dove behind the couch where Ada, Annette, Alyssa, and Sherry were held up. HUNK just didn't even acknowledge them and continued to watch COPS.

Wesker regained his composure and ran out of the bathroom looking for them. He raised an eyebrow at the landlord who causally danced by, holding his 'thing', and urinating all over the carpet. He ignored it and walked over to the couch to see the very scared group.

Birkin spoke up, "Wesker what in the hell has gotten into you!" Wesker aimed the gun at him, "Shut up! All I want to know is who orginally planed this." Krauser looked over to HUNK who was still watching the TV, "It was him! He did!" Wesker looked over to HUNK and back down a Wesker with a death glare, "Don't you blame Captain Crunch for this! He's to busy molesting leprechans on his magical island made of toast to come up with all this."

All of them stared at Wesker funny and Annette gained the courage to ask, "Wesker...What in the fuck is wrong with you..." Wesker just ignored her and stared at Ada again, "Bet it was you huh Ada! And here I thought you liked me...I knew your plan all along. Lure me away for awhile while your henchmen got ready. Then I was to unknowingly come back here thinking I was to meet my friends. And then when I opened the door you all get ready, aim your guns, and say-" "Happy Birthday" "Right Happy Birt...Oh my God."

Wesker was now sitting on the couch and Ada was gently patting his back, "I can't believe it...I completly forgot my own birthday." Krauser looked over to the people laying on the floor, "And completly smoked are neighbors and co-workers." Wesker put his hands to his head, "OH GOD! I thought I was trying to kill my enemies...and here I was trying to kill the only people that give two shits about me. I'm a monster...I don't deserve to live I...ooooooooh is that cake?"

Everything seemed to be back to normal now and the party started back up...this time with a non-crazed Wesker. They were all eating a slice of cake...and with the guest list...cut down a bit there was alot to go around. They all ate the delicous cake but when HUNK tried to put some in his mouth it splattered all over his facemask. Everyone laughed at the sight and HUNK just growled in annoyance.

Wesker was now opening his presents up. He reached for Ada's who just put a hand on it and looked into Wesker's eyes, "Not that one...thats for later." Wesker raised an eyebrow but just reached for his other presents. He ended up getting a bottle of imported wine from the landlord, a hand held video game from Sherry, some sexy muscle shirts from Alyssa which came with a card that said :Come over and see me some time:. He recieved some chemical books from William and Annette and...a Stalin toy from Krauser. He also recieved some useful little nicknacks from the 'other' guests and didn't want them to go to waste so he just...kept them. HUNK who had never been to a party before just gave him a rock with a card that said it was a 'paperweight'...cheap bastard.

It was now time for Krauser's...puppet show. He came out of the bedroom all ready with his questionablly looking puppet, "Is that a puppet of...Charlie Manson?" Annette asked. Krauser just nodded and walked up to a stool placed where the TV was taking his place on it and proping the puppet up.

Birkin walked up and gave a sigh , "Ladies and gentleman..." he began looking off a little card Krauser had given him, "The amazing Krauser, and his little friend Charlie." They all gave small claps, a few of them with grins on their faces.

Krauser looked down at the doll, "So Charlie how bout that recent weather huh?" Krauser made it so the doll looked up at him, "I wish I could see it...if your fat ass wasn't blocking the window." Wesker and Annette gave slight laughs but Krauser was fuming, "What! How dare you call me fat you little piece of wood!" "At least I have wood...you haven't had a 'wood' in 7 years!" Wesker was getting into it and gave a loud chuckle. Krauser grabbed the thing by it's neck, "You better shut your god damn little mouth before I stich it shut!" "You mean like the stitches you got playing Tee ball?" They all laughed and the doll turned it's head to the audience, "Funny story. When Krauser was 6 he played Tee ball and the first time he as up to bat he swings, he misses, and he falls right on the ball placed on the Tee. He had to get 7 stitches!" The puppet started to laugh along with everybody else. Krauser's face became beat red from anger and embarassment, "You God damn son of a bitch! You've always been holding me down you God damn BASTARD!" He threw the puppet on the floor and was about to attack it when Birkin and Wesker both grabbed one of his arms and started to drag a struggling Krauser away.

Hey quickly broke away and started to step on the puppet. He then gave a loud yell and kicked it's broken form into the small crowd. It landed in between Ada and Alyssa and the three girls all started to scream and the guys just gasped and started to talk amongst themselfs. Krauser's face became one of anger to one of regret, "No...oh God Charlie...I didn't mean it!" He noticed everyone looking at him with shock on their faces. "What...what are you all looking at with your accusing eyes!" he shouted and pointed to the crowd. Wesker and Birkin quickly wanted to wrap this up and tackled Krauser to the ground and dragged him away, everyone giving slight claps.

The scene now goes to a group of snapshots from the party. The first one is the landlord and Krauser having a drinking contest, and the next one is them drunk as hell and wizzing on the crowd.

The next snapshot was Ada shoveling down the over half of cake there was left. And the followup of that one is her throwing it up all over Wesker's face.

The next snapshot is of Birkin spilling his chemicals into the toliet. And since Krauser was the last one to use it the followup snapshot is of Birkin running from the bathroom as an abomination busts through.

The last snapshot is while everyone was fighting the abomination and it's of Sherry with the bottle of imported wine in her hands and a dazed expression on her drunken face. The next two followup snapshots are one of Annette finding her with a scream on her face and a third one of her punching Wesker in the face for leaving the wine out.

All and all it was a pretty good party and everyone was rapping up. The landlord went home, Ada was washing the dishes, and Krauser was cleaning up the wrapping paper from the presents. William and Sherry walked up to Wesker with smiles, "Had a real good time tonight Albert, not sure how i'm going to explain the high absent list to the boss but i'll think of a way. Well thanks for inviting us...now I just need to find where Annette went.

He suddenly heard some thuding in the bedroom and opened it up to find a sight of Annette and Alyssa on the bottom bunk kissing each other and moaning loudly. Birkin stood there with a look of complete shock on his face, "OH MY GOD! Sherry walked over next to her dad, "Daddy whats mommy doing with Mrs. Ashcroft?"

The party was now totally over and Krauser was in the bedroom sleeping while Ada and Wesker sat on the couch, "Did you enjoy your party tonight?" "Very much so. I can't believe I forgot and...sorry that I thought you guys were trying to kill me." She gave a laugh, "Its ok it was actually kinda funny to she you all crazy like that...hey by the way you wanna open your present from me." Wesker had a suprised expression, he had completly forgotten. She walked over to the box and walked back and handed it to him.

He pulled off the satin ribbon and ripped of the red paper. It was a simple cardboard box and he wondered why it was so light. He slowly opened it up and when it was fully opened he noticed there was nothing inside. When he held it up to the light to get a better look he noticed there was no bottom to the box and Ada stuck her head through and gave him a passionate kiss on the lips. Wesker prayed that the darkness of the box would conceal his blushing and Wesker took the box off and pulled her into an embrace. They both gave smiles and Wesker was about to move his lips to hers when he heard a voice behind them, "Get a room you two." They turned around to find HUNK who had gotten his voice back and was still on the couch watching TV. Wesker just growled, "GET OUTTA HERE!"

_Author's notes: Sorry if there wasn't alot of humor in this chapter. There wasn't alot I could think of for this chapter._


	5. Water Balloons and Landlords don't mix

House Of The Idiots Chapter 5

It was 8:30 and Krauser awoke early to get ready for the gym. Climbing down from his top bunk he couldn't help but smile as the top half of Ada's body was hanging off the side of the bed and touching the floor. He quickly grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her back into the bed and put the sheets over top of her.

She looked like a sleeping baby and Krauser couldn't resist playing the mommy, "Sweet dreams little angel" he whispered and bent down to kiss her on the forehead.

Ada's eyes slowly fluttered open to come face to face with a pair of large, crusty, hairy lips coming at her. She let out a large scream and punched them sending Krauser back with a now fat lip. She sat up in her bed, "Krauser what the hell were you doing!" Krauser put his hands up in defense, "Well you just looked so adorable and I couldn't resist so-" "Perv" Ada stated and pulled the covers over her head to get some more sleep.

Krauser just sighed and grabbed his gym bag and walked out into the living room. He headed for the door when he heard a splashing sound behind him. He looked over to the window to see Wesker looking out it laughing hard at something. Krauser quietly walked over and Wesker was still holding his sides from whatever it was he did. Krauser looked over his shoulder out the window and looked down to see a very wet man looking up pissed, "Hey Wesker..." Wesker screamed and turned around, "...Whatca doin?" Wesker just darted his eyes around the room, "I uh-uh...I just." Krauser looked over to see a shopping bag filled with round objects and just pointed at them, "What are those?"

Wesker quickly moved in front of the bag to block it's view from Krauser, "There nothing...just some uh...onions for a salad tonight." Krauser raised an eyebrow, "Onions? So uh...what kind?" Wesker just stared at him with sweat starting to form, "...The onion kind." Krauser just had a dull expression and then made a suprised one, "Jesus Christ whats that!" Wesker quickly looked over but didn't see nothing but the city.

"Hey what the hell are these, balloons?" Wesker looked over to see him holding the contents of the bag and quickly snatched them away, "Water balloons...to be exact." Krauser just stared at him funny, "Ok...and what were you doing with them that involves the window." Wesker just sighed and decided to tell him the truth, "I was throwing them out the window cause...theres a fire across the street and I was trying to put it out!" he said really fast.

Krauser just frowned at him, "Wesker..." Wesker gave a groan, "Ok ok I was hitting people on the street with them." He blushed a bit from his childish behavior but Krauser just chuckled, "Really? I never did that before...can you show me?" Wesker just smiled through his sunglasses, "Sure." He reached over and grabbed a balloon and then they both looked out the window. They spotted an elderly lady walking by with a cane, "Watch this" Wesker said and dropped a balloon that didn't hit the woman but landed in front of her. The woman walked three steps and fell on her ass breaking her plastic hip.

Krauser and Wesker let out long laughs and Krauser through his laughing said, "Do another one." Wesker took another balloon and looked out the window. There was a bunch of girl scouts walking by and Wesker timed it just right and let it go. It fell down the stories and hit the lead girl scout right on the head. They all stop and the hit girl turned around with a sneer and started attacking her friends and soon it became an all out girl scout braw.

Krauser and Wesker were holding there sides laughing there asses off. While Wesker was still laughing Krauser walked over and got an object of his own to hit someone with, "Let me try" Wesker was still laughing and opened his eyes a bit to see Krauser holding the TV out the window. He stopped his laughing and tried to get up, "NO KRAUSER NO!" but it was to late and he let the TV fall down the building.

The landlord of the apartments came out to try to stop the girl scout's braw when he heard something flying through the air and looked up just in time to see a screen before his world blacked out and he fell to the ground with the TV smashed on his head.

Krauser just stared out the window, "Hmn...that didn't seem to work like the other ones..." He looked over to Wesker who had a large angry sneer on his face. Wesker just stared at him in disbelief of his stupid actions and then just sighed, "You better of not have broken it you stupid dumbass, and whoever you hit better not have been a cop or-" Wesker screamed bloody murder when he looked out the window and realized who Krauser hit.

Krauser just raised an eyebrow and then his eyes widened as Wesker dove on him, "YOU STUPID FUCK!" Wesker yelled slamming Krauser's head on the coffee table, "You killed the God damn landlord!" Suddenly they heard a muffled voice coming from the other room, "Hey whats all the racket out there!" Krauser and Wesker just stared at the door, "Shit its Ada, if she finds out what happened she'd kill us." Wesker quickly got up and closed the windows and looked around for a spot to hide the remaining water balloons. He didn't find any and he heard her getting out of bed so he quickly threw them on top of the ceiling fan without a single one popping.

Ada walked out of the room in her pink robe and looked over to the window to see Krauser and Wesker putting an arm around each others shoulders and grinning way to big. She just looked at them questionally, "Everything all right?" Wesker and Krauser just smiled bigger, "Sure everythings just peachy" Wesker said hoping she couldn't see the fear in his eyes behind his glasses. Ada just sighed, "Whatever" and walked into the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal.

Krauser and Wesker waited till she looked towards the refridgerator and then dashed out the door making a sound like a racecar and leaving a line of dust where they ran. They ran down the stairs and out the door to the sidewalk. They found the landlord being crowded around by a bunch of terrified scouts.

They ran up and Wesker pushed one of the scouts out of the way, "Move!" he yelled, but because of his inhuman abilities when he pushed her he accidentally sent her flying in the street with a scream. When she was in the air in the middle of the street a honking sound could be heard and an 18 wheeler passed by taking the scout with it.

They all stared at the street, "Whoops" Wesker stated and just looked back down at the landlord who still had the TV on his face, "Shit Krauser you sure did a number on this guy." Wesker looked up as a car passed by but luckly didn't look over, "Its too dangerous to leave his body around here. We'd be found out for sure...we have to dispose of it." Krauser just stared up at the grey morning sky as it started to drizzle and looked back down at Wesker, "How?" Wesker took the TV off the guy, "Birkin should have something to dissolve the body. If that don't work we could always just dump it somewhere...the question is...what do we do with them?" Wesker asked pointing to the girl scouts, "You just leave them to me" Krauser said with an evil gleam and unsheathed his knife. The girl scouts looked at the muscled man in horror and started to whimper as he shadowed over them.

Krauser was walking to the back of the building whistling a tune he heard on the radio and carrying a white trash bag with hands and legs sticking out of it and a few red spots. He opened the dumpster and tossed it in, closed it and walked back to Wesker who was on the side of the building with the body. Krauser thought of something as he walked up, "Hey Wesker, why don't we just throw his body in the dumpster like we did with them?" he asked pointing at the dumpster.

Wesker just sighed, "Krauser we can't dump this man's body in the dumpster...he's a respected member of the community. They'd have a large manhunt for us...nobody gives a damn about a bunch of damn girl scouts." Krauser just stared, "Oh." "Now help me get him to his car i'll go get his keys."

They wrapped the man in a tarp and carried him to his car which was a large Hummer that seemed kind of millitary, "Krauser...is this armor plating?" Krauser just tapped the windows, "Yea, and these are bullet proof windows. Christ this looks like it came right out of the war." Wesker just smiled, "Oh well, might come in handy. You wait here i'm going to go get his keys." Krasuer just nodded and Wesker headed back to the building to get his keys.

Wesker walked into the building and took the elevator to the top floor. He got off and walked to the end of the hall to a large door at the end. It read :Landlord: and Wesker tried opening it. It was locked and he didn't have the keycard so he just walked to the begining of the hall, ran across the room, and smashed through the door. Wesker chuckled and took a look at the room. "Holy shit" he muttered as he looked at the extravagant paintings and sculptures, and there was even a small fountain attached to the wall. He looked over to see a HDTV and an Xbox360 but what he was really suprised was to see a Playstaion3 laying there. Wesker was a closet game freak and he quickly ran over to it to check it out, "How! This things not coming out for months!"

He heard banging noises behind him and looked back to see a personal arcade of pinball machines, joystick classics, and new shooters. "This son of a bitch is leading a life of luxrey and he can't even afford to but a washer and dryer in are apartments?" he asked himself angerly. He walked into the bedroom to see a bed that would take up their entire kitchen. Wesker raised an eyebrow and read the tag, "Super, gigantic, oversized, extra large king sized bed. Wesker sighed at how stupid that was and noticed the car keys laying on the dresser. He picked them up and was about to leave when he felt the sudden urge to sit on the very very comfy looking bed. He looked around as if he thought someone was watching him and layed back on the bed giving a contented sigh.

He was about to close his eyes and fully relax when suddenly an alarm went off and a big red light above the bed started to flash. Wesker wondered what the hell was going on and he suddenly felt himself drop as the middle of the bed opened up and Wesker fell in. An automated voice yelled out "Intruder alert intruder alert" as Wesker hit a cold floor. It was very dark and the alarm was still flashing. Suddenly Wesker heard rattling and hissing sounds and his eyes buldged out of his head, "SNAKES!" Wesker felt snakes try to grab onto him and he quickly started to jump up and down doing a sort of dance.

The song "Shes a maniac" started to play as Wesker's leg moved up and down in a rhythem doing a dance that matched the song. This went on for about 20 seconds till Wesker finally jumped up and dove out of the hole in the bed landing on the bedroom floor. He sighed until he heard a hissing sound and looked back at the bed to see a rattlesnake that slithered out of the hole. He quickly got up, ran out of the bedroom, and closed the door.

Wesker groaned in a panting wave and just sunk down the side of the door. He remembered Krauser waiting for him and got up. He was about to leave until he heard a muffled moaning sound coming from the bathroom door, and went up to it and slowly opened it, turning the lights on.

There on the floor was a gagged and hogtied Santa Clause with nothing but his red boxers and Christmas hat on, wiggling around to get free. Wesker screamed at the top of his lungs and slammed the door and ran over to the living room window. He covered his head with his hands and smashed through the window, starting to fall down the many stories.

Krauser was waiting at the Hummer wondering what was taking Wesker so long. He leaned up against the veichle to wait when he heard a faint screaming sound, that got louder and louder and louder. He looked up just in time to see Wesker land on the top of the Hummer with a large bang. "Bout time you showed up. What took ya."

Krauser was driving down the city streets, looking over at a startled Wesker from time to time that kept muttering things like, "Snakes" and "Santa Clause" and "PS3" . "Poor guy...must be deliereous from the fall" he muttered to himself and headed for Birkin's office.

They were driving along and they were about to pass over the City's bridge heading to a small spot on the edge of Raccoon. Just as they were about to drive onto the bridge Krauser cut off a cop who got pretty pissed and turned his sirens on to pull them over, "Christ Krauser way to friggin go! Thats all we need now is a cop." Krauser just gulped and looked at Wesker, "What are we going to do?" Wesker thought for a second, "Hmn. Pull over I have a plan."

The Hummer pulled to the side and the cop pulled up behind it. He typed in the liscense plate and started to right out a ticket. He got out of his squad car and casually walked over to the Hummer and knocked on the window. The tinted window slowly rolled down revealing the landlord sitting in the driver's seat with Wesker's glasses on looking straight foward.

The cop looked at him funny from his stiffness, "Um...licenese and regestration please." Slowly the landlord's head turned with help from Wesker and Krauser stuck his fingers in the landlord's mouth to move it. "Sure thing Officer" the mouth went wide like a toads with every word and the voice was really loud and fake like he was a sports brodcaster or something.

Wesker put his arm parallele with the Landlords and slowly moved it to the glove compartment. He opened it up and grabbed the required items. The cop raised an eyebrow at the fact that the landlord's head was still looking at the cop even when he was reaching into the glove compartment. Wesker fumbled with the landlord's hand and it started to fly widly through the car and at one point even hit the landlord's head, knocking the sunglasses off revealing two very wide eyes from the shock he was in when he died.

The cop looked at him closly, "You ok?" Krauser fumbled with the mouth, "I am fine...why do you ask?" he said in more of a statement form then a question form. The cop just shrugged it off, "Anyway can I get that information anytime soon?" Wesker grabbed the hand again and thrust it out the window punching the cop in the nose, "Here you go officer."

The cop rubbed his nose and took the information, "Yeah...thanks." He looked it over, "Can I get your proof of insurance too?" Wesker and Krauser both tried to operate the arm back to the glove compartment, but started to fight over it moving the arm back around and giving loud whispers. The cop heard the whispers and tryed look through the back tinted windows of the veichle, "You got anybody in there with you?"

The whispers stopped and Krauser moved the mouth again, "Why no sir. I.do.not." he said like a robot. They finally handed the man proof of insurance and he walked back to his car to write the ticket

Krauser and Wesker popped their heads out from the back and looked out the back window, "Christ that was close" Wesker said in a relieved way. "Well at least its almost over. Just need to get the ticket and get the hell out of here." Wesker suddenly looked panicy, "Oh shit here he comes, down down." They both hid in the back seats again and the cop came back with the ticket.

"Here you go sir. Drive safely" the cop said and handed the landlord the ticket. The cop turned to walk away and gave a little sneeze. "Bless you" Krauser said from the back blowing their cover. Wesker looked over at Krauser with a really pissed off expression. The cop looked at them and then at the landlord, "Step out of the car now." Wesker reached over from the back seat and tried to put the gear in drive. The cop pulled out his gun and opened up the door, "Out of the car now!" he yelled. When he opened the door the landlord's body fell to the side only being propped up by the seatbelt. The cop looked at him with shock and aimed the gun at Wesker and Krauser, "YOU TWO OUT NOW!"

When the cop reached in to grab the car keys Krauser reached over and pushed the gas petal with his hands. Unfourtanetly Wesker put the car in reverse and the Hummer went backwards. It went for about 20 feet and did a 180, heading on to the bridge backwards. The cop tried to fire a few shots but because of the bulletproof glass it did no damage. He gave up on that and shot the tire deflating it.

Wesker and Krauser were now stuck in a Hummer going backwards on a bridge, with the door open, with a dead guy hanging out the side with a tire popped. They both tried to get to the front seat to control the thing but because of their fighting and large forms they became stuck between the seats as the Hummer smashed through the guard rail on the side of the bridge sending them off it.

They both screamed as loud as humanly possible as Wesker hugged Krauser, who inturned hugged the landlord who just had the same eye widened face and unmoving lips. There screams were heard echoing from the bridge as they pludged into the river below.

_Authors Notes: Thankyou for the reviews and the second part of this chapter will be up soon._


	6. Those old gator problems

House of the Idiots Chapter 6

The river below a large bridge looked calm and peaceful as the water rushed along in a gentle current. A seagel flew into the water and curled up gently letting the current take him down stream. Suddenly the seagel took flight, startled by bubbles coming from the water. And a few seconds later Albert Wesker came up gasping for air. He started to swim with one of his arms as his other was occupied with carrying Jack Krauser through the river.

He looked ahead and spotted a small sandbar in the wide river and swam with all the energy he had left to get to it. He kept swimming till he felt land under the water and dragged Krauser onto shore. Krauser was in total shock and silent, as Wesker panted heavily letting water drip from his messy blonde hair. Giving a sigh he pushed his hair back before looking at the small island.

It was a small sandbar, with grass mixed in with a few trees. Sadly it was far away from both river's edges and he didn't have enough strength to go to the other side. He tryed to look on the bright side, "Oh well at least we are rid of the bod-" he stopped when he looked over to the petrified Krauser. It wasn't Krauser that stopped him, but what he had in his arms. Krauser's face was wide with shock and in that state of shock he never let go of the hug he had the landlord in. The idiot took the body with him!

Wesker growled like a beast, "KRAUSER!" he yelled and kicked the guy in the head which Krauser didn't give any indication that he felt.

Ada was back at the apartment and had just gotten out of the shower before she sat down on the couch with a cup of tea and let out a sigh. Krauser and Wesker were acting pretty strange, which means it could only be trouble. She looked over to the door to see some trashbags from the party, mostly containing the party guests that got in the way of Wesker's bullets.

She got up with a heavy heave and decided to dump them out back. She walked down the stairs being careful not to let any of the bodies slip out and finally got to the front door and went outisde. She went around to the back and placed the bags down to open the dumpster. She opened it up with a bored look, but let out a surpised shout as she saw the bags with the arms and legs coming out.

She was about to run inside and call the police but stopped in her tracks. Wasn't she about to do the same thing? She just let out a sigh and dumped her trashbags in and closed the dumpster. She knew that those had something to do with the boys, "Where the hell are they?"

"Where the hell are we?" Krauser asked as he paced back and forth on the small island. Wesker just continued using the landlord's body as a bench and gave a small shrug of his shoulders saying 'I don't know'. Krauser felt his tummy rumble, "Well if were gonna be here for awhile might as well find something to eat."

Wesker stayed behind as Krauser walked towards the other end of the island. Walking towards it's edge he noticed a tasty looking seagel close to the shore gently floating with the current. He slowly took out his knife and readied to throw it, but when he brought his hand back to give the toss the seagel was quickly pulled under the water with a _Thunk_. Krauser raised an eyebrow and looked over the water where the seagel went in. He slowly lowered his head to get a better look at the water, however that didn't turn out to be such a good idea.

Wesker was trying to spot the bridge in the distance when he heard a large shriek along with Krauser yelling his name. Wesker just sighed and rolled his eyes, "Probably got his dick stuck in a coconut." He walked down to where he heared the scream and his eyes lit up as he saw why Krauser was screaming.

A large alligator had Krauser's head lodged between his mouth and was picking him up and smacking him back down while Krauser continued screaming. Wesker groaned at his stupidity and tryed to find something to help him, but only found a long decaying log as he thrusted it into the animal's mouth. He started to push down on it but it wouldn't budge a bit. He soon gave up on using his hands and resorted to sitting on it and pushing it up and down trying to open the alligator's mouth.

During this time a small personally owned airplane was taking a joyride through the marshlands. Inside the cockpit was Leon Kennedy at the controls and in the back Clarie Redfield who looked out the window and spotted the island. With joy she shook Leon violently, "Leon its Wesker! Nows are chance!" Leon glanced over excited, "Where!" She pointed down at the small island and Leon took a look.

He looked down on the island to see his old comrade Krauser stuck in an alligator's mouth being tossed up in down, while Wesker sat on a log and rode it up and down like a seesaw in the reptile's mouth. Leon stared with wide eyes as he keep an awkward silence. Clarie stared at his face and shook him again, "Are we going to get him Leon?" Leon surveyed the scene a few seconds longer and then turned to her, "Uh...I think we'll just leave them alone right now." He didn't say anything else as Clarie just looked at him odd and flew the plane towards the city to get far FAR away from them.

Wesker was still trying to get the gator's mouth open until he heard a loud crack and looked down just in time to see the old log snap into pieces and thousands of tiny splinters stuck into his groin. He gave a large yell, doubling the volume of Krausers' and ran around in circles in pain before he fell to the ground holding his crotch.

Krauser opened one of his eyes and looked out of the alligator's mouth to see Wesker on the ground holding his private area, "Wesker you perv! I'm about to be eaten, and your thinking about that!"

* * *

Ada was really bored at the apartment and sat at the couch staring out the window. She wondered where Wesker and Krauser were and decided to call Birkin's house. The phone rang a few times until the phone picked up and a female voice could be heard on the other end, "Hello?" "Sherry this is Ada is your father there?" The female voice on the other line groaned, "This is Annette by the way and no he's at work why?" "Well I was just trying to see if Krauser and Wesker are there."

"Well haven't seen them. But if they come over i'll tell them you called." "Ok thanks..." Ada smirked, "...see you later 'Sherry'." Annette growled and then sighed, "Up yours Jap" "Hey i'm Chinese" "Whatever" and with that she hung up the phone. Ada hung up the phone and laid back on the couch. This went on for another minute before she gave out a heavy groan. God was she bored. And she couldn't even watch TV because for some reason it was gone. She decided to just go watch the smaller one in the bedroom and walked into the room, taking a seat on the bottom bunk.

She took the remote and turned it on, the news automatically came on and Ada decided to watch as the anchorman came on and on the top right corner there was a small box that said :Hummer Overboard: It looked intresting and she turned the volume up to get a better look.

"Early this morning an armored Hummer was pulled over at the entrance of the memorial bridge overlooking the river for cutting off the cop himself. When the cop approach the man in the driver's seat he was acting funny but complied with the police's requests. When asked if there was anyone else in the car the driver said no, but the police officer later discovered two men in the back seat."

A picture taken from a camera on the bridge pops up to show Wesker and Krauser trying to start the car from the backseat with the landlord hanging out the door.

Ada sat on the bed with her mouth hanging as if she had a watermelon in it. The man went on about how it went into drive backwards and went overboard, but Ada didn't listen as she reached under her bed to pull out a doubled barreled shot gun. She pumped it once making the kick ass click noise and she also grabbed a hunter head, heading out the door. She was going to hunt down those mother fuckers."

* * *

Anyway Wesker had finally succeded in taking Krauser out of the gators mouth, but things didn't get much better because now the thing had Wesker and was attempting to drag him underwater as Krauser tried to hang on to the tail to try to keep him on shore, "Hang on Wesker!" Wesker just screamed, "Get me outta here damnit!" before he was taken underwater.

Krauser was still holding on to the gator's tail as he to was taken underwater, and slowly swam up to where the gator's head was and tried desperatly to pry it's mouth open. He looked back down at Wesker and put his hands up showing he didn't know what else to do. Wesker sustained a calm face and flipped him off disappearing into the deep water leaving Krauser to swim back to the island. The marine came onto the shore with a gasp and started to sob uncontrollably. Wesker was dead. And the irony was he died saving his life. Grimacing the man held his hands up to the sky and yelled out at the setting sun, "WESKER!"

Krauser sat near a campfire he made out of tree bark and one of the landlord's feet which actually burned pretty well. He didn't know how many days had past. It could have been a week, a month he didn't know anymore, but he was slowly going crazy and there were no more seagels to eat. As a result of going crazy over the long period he started to talk to the landlord's rotting corpse who he randomly named:Walter Subchack:. He stared at the moon and stars thinking of back to his hometown. He remembered his wonderful childhood. When his father used to beat him, his mother with her serious drinking problem, and his suicidal obese sister who praised Satan...ok...so maybe his childhood wasn't so great. But it sure beat the hell out of this crappy island.

A tear ran down his eye as he looked at the north star and abrupty took out his sharp combat knife. He held it over his heart with tears running down his face and got ready to thrust it in, "Goodbye...cruel...world." He raised it up, "Krauser?" The marine looked over to see Wesker walking out of the water, "What the hell are you doing?" he asked with a look of confusion combined with a look that sayed he knew the answer was a stupid one.

Krauser didn't answer and instead got up with a his mouth stretched into a big smile. He ran over to the water's ledge and dove onto the blonde ,"Wesker! I can't believe it! How are you still alive after all this time." Wesker instnictivly pushed the man off him, "I found an air pocket in the water and just broke every tooth in the alligator's mouth." They both looked over to see the alligator with no teeth glare at them and swim away.

Wesker's eyes widened as he looked over to the mound of seagels, roaring fire, and the landlord, "Krauser...what the hell is all this?" Krauser started to get teary eyed, "Well its been so long and I thought you were dead. I went insane and survived on seagels and talking to Walter over there." Wesker raised an eyebrow, "Walter?"

Krauser pointed over to the landlord, "I'm so glad your back. But what did you survive on down there?" Wesker gave out an angry sigh, "Krauser! Ive only been gone for 17 minutes!" Krauser could onlystare, "Oh...well it seemed longer" he said and sat down next to the fire. Wesker just sighed and looked out at the water, "Well anyway I think we have enough strength to try to swim to the otherside." Krauser looked at the fire, "Aww and this island was starting to feel like home." Wesker kicked him in the side, "Well parties over, get your ass up and lets go." Krauser got up and grabbed the body, "No Krauser we are not taking him. This are chance to just leave him here and be done with him, now hurry up."

They both walked over to the edge of the island and looked at the other side which was honestly a good distance away, "Ok Krauser lets g-" he stopped in mid-sentence when he heard a hovering sound and they both looked up to see a spotlight shining down on them. It looked to be a helicoptor and it shined the light directly at them. Krauser instantly smiled, "Oh thank god a rescue!" Wesker looked at the words on the side of the coptor, "More like an arrest quick we need to go!" He pointed over to the body, "Krauser grab it we gotta go!" Krauser looked at him funny, "But you said to leave him?" Wesker just groaned at his ignorance, "Krauser if they catch us with the body were gonna be screwed! So grab it!"

They both plummeted into the freezing water with Krauser hauling the landlord on his back. The coptor followed his every move, "This is the police, put your hands up and no harm will come to you!" The pilot looked down to see Krauser pull something sharp out of his pocket. He looked over to the co-pilot, "He's got a knife! What do we do!" he yelled in fear. The co-pilot looked at him funny and then laughed, "Tony, were in a friggin helicoptor, whats he gonna do with a little knife?"

Krauser down in the water held his blade up at the chopper and aimed it up with one eye closed, "Got to time this right..." Wesker looked over and wondered why he stopped, "Krauser come on you idiot lets go!" Krauser ignored him and slowly moved the blade back to prepare to throw. Wesker continued yelling and the co-pilot continued laughing as Krauser threw the knife forward, making it fly up through the cool air and hitting the chopper's spotlight.

The co-pilot stopped laughing and looked out to see...well just about nothing, "Son of a bitch!" The pilot gave a humph, "Oh don't worry Tony, he can't do anything from down there its just a stupid knife...jackass" he mimiced before they were forced to turn the helicoptor around and head back to base.

Wesker down in the water stared speechless at what Krauser just amazingly did and was quickly grabbed by Krauser continued to swim quickly to try and avoid the inevitable backup.

They finally made it to the side of the river and crawled onto it giving large gasps. Krauser sat up and looked over to Wesker with a smile and looked over the other way to see...no one. Krauser's eyes went wide and they both looked out to see the landlord being taken away by the toothless alligator. Wesker knew the police would find the body since the alligator couldn't eat him with no teeth. So with a frustrated groan Wesker pushed the screaming marine back into the water, "GO GET HIM!"

After playing tug of war with the gator, Wesker, Krauser, and the landlord made there way down the river path. They finally came out onto shore of one of the great lakes and were walking down down it with shaking feet in result from their fatigue. They were just about to drop when they noticed some smoke in the air and looked over to see a cozy looking cabin.

They quickly sprinted over to it and used the landlord's head to loudly bang on the door. An older man opened it up with a warm smile, "Greetings friends, I-" "Yeah whatever pops" Krauser rudely said before abruptly dumping the body into his hands which the poor man dropped from the weight. They ran inside to find a table with some fish and riceballs, "FOOD!" they yelled before digging in.

The old man started to poke the landlord with a stick, "Hey is this guy dead?" Wesker looked over with a riceball in his mouth and just muttered a "mnhmn" before turning back to the table. The old man sighed and dragged the body in, before placing him on a chair. He walked over to the table again, "Um...dig in strangers, your welcome to stay here as long as you like.

Krauser just raised his hand in a friendly gesture and with fish in his mouth muttered, "Tmnks" and continued eating.

They ate for about another 7 minutes while the old man watched them in awe. When they had finally finished they let out long relieved sighs and sat back on the chairs with goofy faces. The old man walked over to them with a smile, "So are you guys planning to spend the night. Krauser polietly muttered, "I guess so" trying not to be any more rudder then they already were.

The man clamped his hands together delighted, "Great! I usually house travelers who pass by here...are you runaways?" Wesker and Krauser looked at each other and Wesker muttered, "Kinda." The man walked over and grabbed there sleeves motioning to follow. They walked down a small hallway which was japanese style and Krauser took in everything, "Hey grandpa where you get all this weird stuff at." He just looked back with a smile, "Japan." Krauser looked baffled, "Japan? Never heard of it. Do they have one in the mall?" Wesker immediatly hit Krauser in the back of the head at his stupididty and they continued down the little hall to the end.

The man looked back as he put his hand on a sliding door, "Unfortunatly I don't have any vacant rooms at the moment so you will have to bunk with someone. You should like him, he's a runaway like you." He slid the door open and near the middle of the room on a futon was Billy Cohen who looked up for a sec with a dull face that turned to anger as he stared at Wesker, "YOU! I know you, your that guy that shot Rebecca!" Wesker chuckled nervously as he remembered this guy from the train camera, "Aww don't be like that. She survived didn't she." Billy just growled and made a fist about to attack Wesker.

He let his fist fly, but it was caught in mid air by the old man. They all looked in shock by the strengh of the tiny man who seemed kinda irritated, "I will have no violence in my house understand?" They all nodded and his retarded smile returned, "Good, well i'll see you in the morning, goodnight" and with that he walked out the door. They all just stared at each other before Billy stated, "Well...this is awkward."

After about an hour of almost complete silence the three were finally asleep. Billy and Krauser were laying on futons, and Wesker thinking that futons were for cavemen slept on the table. Later Krauser slowly opened his eyes waking up from a dream he had when he gasped at the sight of the small baldheaded old man with his hands behind his back that was giving him an evil smirk, "Everything ok?" he asked in an evil tone, Krauser just said shaking, "Everythings fi-fine." "Gooood" he said mockingly and Krauser spotted something shiny behind his back.

Suddenly the door kicked open and a bunch of police men with guns ran into the small room, "FREEZE!" they yelled aiming at their suespect. Billy quickly shot up with his hands high in the air yelling, "Officer look the MP's bodies were there when I found them I swear!" and Wesker fell of the table also raising his hands up yelling, "Officer look the Landlord's body was there when I found him I swear!"

The lead cop looked at him questioningly, "What are you two talking about?" and then he aimed the gun at the old man, "Alright you, your going down town!" The old man threw the kitchen knife he was going to use on Krauser and tried to run for the window, but was dived on by 10 police officers.

After everything had settled down the police put the old man in a squad car and hauled him away. Inside the cabin Wesker, Krauser, and Billy were sitting in the dining room chairs as the police filed out their reports, "You guys are lucky to be alive. That sick son of a bitch killed 26 other people. All drifters that were just passing by." He wrote something else down, "So where are you four going?" Wesker looked at him, "Four?" The cop seemed confused, "Yeah you guys" he said pointing to Wesker, Krauser, Billy, and the landlord's body. Wesker's eyes widened, "Oh yeah us 'four' hehe. Well we were just going...um towards the city you know, do odd jobs, drifter stuff." he said putting his arms around Billy, Krauser, and the body. Billy started to poke the landlord, "Hey is this guy dead?" and recieved an elbow in the face from Wesker knocking him out and on the way down banged his head on the table. Wesker looked at the suspecious cop with smile and a chuckle.

Wesker, Krauser, the body, and newcomer Billy were walking down a paved road that led directly back into the city. Billy looked over to the others giving off an aura of mutual distrust, "So what are you guys doing out here anyway? And with a body." Wesker glared at him, "You should talk 'Sgt. Cohen'." He just gave a sigh, "Well as long as we're going to the same place, might as well travel together." Wesker looked over at him with shifty eyes, "Ok, just don't try anything funny."

* * *

Ada who was in a car driving towards the bridge the Hummer fell off of checked her hunting shotgun and looked towards the moon, "Your gonna pay for lieing to me Albert Wesker. Your gonna pay" she whispered before her car sharply took off, heading towards the bridge shrouded in moonlight.


	7. ERs and J's bar

House of the Idiots Chapter 7

Wesker, Krauser, Billy, and the landlord's body made their way down the desloate streets on the outskirts of the city. They really didn't know where Billy destination was, but they were still planning on going to Birkins. It was getting really late and there wern't many people out as they made there way into the city. They were about to go into an alleyway and sleep when they noticed an open bar called 'J's Bar'.

Wesker raised an eyebrow, "Thats funny...I remember that exact same bar back in Raccoon." They just decided it was probably a franchise and casually walked in. Each man took a seat at the bar and Krauser just dumped the body in a booth at the corner of the bar. They waited for about a minute before a young slender blonde girl came up with a cheery smile, "What'll ya have?" Wesker looked at the name tag, "Well Cindy, just give us three beers and hurry the hell up with it." Cindy looked hurt at his nasty attitude and Krauser looked at a small menu they had, "Can I get an order of nachos while your at it?" Cindy just nodded polietly and went to place the order.

Billy glanced at the other end of the bar and then tapped Wesker on the shoulder, "Hey buddy. Looks like your landlord's a real ladies man huh" Wesker looked over and his eyes widened when he saw two hookers hovering over the landlord's body, apparently talking to him. "Shit!" Wesker yelled and ran over before they found out he was dead.

He approached the ladies of the night with a pissed off expression, "Hey you cheap ass whores get the hell away from my landlord before I shove my beer bottle up your ass!" The brunette hooker looked like she was thinking about something, "Lets see...beer bottle in the ass will be $30." Wesker paused, monetarily confused, "What?" he shook his head, "No no you jackasses I want you to just leave us alone!"

The blonde hooker humphed and sat down on the booth putting an arm around the landlord's unmoving face, "Well maybe your friend here would like a date with us huh" she said and kissed his lips. When she pulled away the brunette gasped and pointed at the blonde's lips that had blood from the landlord's mouth, "Oh my God! He's de-" Before they could finish Wesker grabbed them both by their hair and dragged them into the bathroom located next to the booth.

Seconds later you could hear a bunch of sounds associated with a violent beating and soon after Wekser appeared and casually walked back to the bar table. His beer was there and he took a greedy swig before looking over to Krauser and Billy who were staring at him funny, "Did you kill those hookers?" Krauser asked worried. Wesker just answered in a bored tone, "Wasn't the first time?" and took another swig.

The bar was starting to fill up with a bunch of people. Most of them they didn't know like Yoko Suzuki, and David King, but Wesker cursed when he saw Kevin Ryman walk into the bar. Wesker didn't know Ryman well, but they were on the same force and Kevin was surely told by now that Wesker had betrayed the S.T.A.R.S unit.

Kevin looked around the bar and smiled when he saw Cindy who was currently cleaning the bar counter. He walked up right near Wesker who kept his head looking the other way while Kevin talked to Cindy. They went on for almost five minutes about things that happened recently while Wesker just continued to evade eye contact.

Finally they finished up and Kevin asked Cindy for a Heiniken beer. She frowned, "Oh i'm sorry Kevin, I just sold the last Heinkiken to this gentlemen" she said pointing to Wesker. Wesker's eyes lit up and with his superhuman speed quickly grabbed Krauser beret and a piece of Billy's hair causing the convict to let out a large scream as it was torn out. He also reached into his pockets to grab a pair of spare sunglasses.

Kevin looked over and tapped Wesker's turned head, "Hey pal?" Wesker turned around and Kevin's eyes went wide when he saw a man with a beret on his head, sunglasses, and a very long mustache (Billy's hair). Kevin decided this man must have been a Vietnam veteran, and Wesker just motioned that he was listening, "Can I buy that beer off ya for double what you paid?" Wesker silently nodded and handed him the beer.

Kevin took a swig and then held his stomach, "Shit gotta take a leak, be right back gorgeous" he purred in Cindy's ear who just giggled. Right when he walked into the restroom Wesker took off the disguise and grabbed Billy and Krauser who currently had nacho cheese all over his fingers, "Hurry up we gotta get the hell outta here."

He moved so fast that they forgot the body, but that wasn't much of a problem for when they reached the bar door, Chris and Barry walked in to get a beer. Chris's eyes lit up, "Wesker?" "Chris?". Chris wasted no time as he pulled his arm back and delievered his fist right into Wesker's nose, knocking him back which started a chain reaction as he bumped into Cindy who was cleaning a table, knocking over it and landing on another table. When she did this the beer that was in front of a customer flew up into the guys face and his friend immediatly laughed. The man grabbed a beer bottle and smashed it into his friend's face who fell off the table, as a glass shard from the bottle flew over to the pool table and cut a guy's ear as he was about to break the balls and he quickly grabbed his poolstick and smashed over the man standing next to him's head who he thought did it.

This pissed off the other pool members which included David King who then started attacking each other. Suddenly some redneck music that started out with a "YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAW!" began and the big bar brawl was on!

Chris lunged after Wesker but was caught halfway by Krauser who threw him into a chair, breaking it. Barry dove onto Krauser's back and started chocking him, as Billy was blindsided by some guys's beer bottle and they started to go at hit throwing fists back and forth. Kevin walked out of the bathroom lazily, but was soon grabbed by some random guy and abruptly thrown into the middle of the brawl. Yoko used the Tah Kwan Do she knew to kick back approaching brawlers and when Krauser was stumbling around trying to pry Barry off accidently came near her she did a roundhouse kick right into Krauser's balls.

Krauser "oo'd" in pain as he painfully reached down to hold his crotch which in turn flung Barry foward who smashed into vintage wine, and whisky bottles being displayed and fell onto the floor with a yell. Wesker was chocking Chris who was leaning against a table until Chris reached back behind him and felt a plate before he brought it down over Wesker's head. Billy grabbed the guy he was fighting and threw him through the Bar's window and onto the sidewalk.

Krauser was throwing his fists out in every direction knocking away the crazed brawlers when he abesnt-mindedly turned around throwing his fist out and hit something with a large metal panging sound before he looked up to see a very tall, muscular, man staring back down at him with a sneer. Krauser gave a gulp and a slight chuckle before the guy grabbed a chocking Krauser by his throat and lifted him off the ground.

Billy was fighting David King and they both fell on the pool table throwing fists blindly at each other. Cindy was fighting Yoko who accidentally kicked her in her blind karate rage and they were both on the back of the bar table pulling each other's hair. An old blind man with a cane was wacking the landlord's body with his stick over and over again, while Barry made a molotov cocktail out of some whisky and hurled it into the bathroom for no apparent reason. It exploded, blowing the bathroom into shambles and spreading the fire to the various booths outside.

Chris grabbed a dazed Wesker and slammed him on one side of the bar table, while the large muscle guy slammed Krauser on the other end of the smooth oak counter. They both moved Wesker and Krauser back slightly and then flung them forward. Krauser and Wesker slid towards each other with yells and collided into each other's heads painfully and fell onto the back of the bar.

They both crawled onto their hands and knees, "Krauser?" Wesker said exhausted. Krauser looked up with a listening face, "We gotta get the hell outta here..." Krauser just nodded and they both got up and looked around the bar. Billy was chocking David King with a poolstick, Cindy was slamming Yoko's head over and over again on a bar table, Kevin had his head stuck through the wall and was trying desperatly to pull it out, and Barry had gone pretty and was setting random people on fire with a flamethrower he made out of a champagne bottle and a lighter. Wesker couldn't help but feel sorry when he heard Barry screaming at the people, "You aint gettin me you god damn zombies! I'll kill you all!" He knew Barry was having flashbacks of the Spencer Mansion incident.

Wesker heard a roaring fire and looked over towards the booths to see that the booth with the landlord in it was set ablaze. Wesker grinned at the thought that he was finally rid of him when Krauser suddenly jumped over the table and ran to the booth. "I'LL SAVE YOU!" he yelled as he grabbed the landlord's body from the blaze and brought it back to Wekser. Krauser grabbed the man's arm, feeling for a pulse, "Oh my God Wesker, he's dead!" Wesker just roared a demonic roar at the top of his lungs at Krauser's action and everybody stopped fighting to look over at a very deadly, pissed off Wesker. There was an awkward silence for about 5 seconds before there was a huge explosion from the fire reaching the building's propane tank.

The dust finally settled and J's bar was in complete rubble. It seemed as if no one survived the explosion before a rumbling sound was heard and Wesker broke through the rubble with a gasp followed Krauser breaking through a few seconds later. They both stared at each other and then at the wreck, "You think anyone else survived the explosion?" Their question was answered when another rumbling was heard and Cindy, Chris, and Barry broke their heads through the rubble. Chris and Barrry looked over to Wesker and Krauser, "There they are!" They climbed out of the rubble and were about to storm over towards the two when a big piece of the brick wall came lose and Chris and Barry gave large screams as the wall fell on top of them.

The firefighters came a few minutes later and were searching the area for survivors. Wesker, Krauser, and Cindy Lennox stared as they combed through the rubble. Unfourtanetly Chris and Barry survived, but were both unconcious as they were takin away by the ambulance. They combed in further and brought out the dead bodies of David and Yoko, along with a very hurt Kevin who was also taken away to the hospital. A few more bodies were found and the old blind man got out of the rubble unhurt. It was funny though, they couldn't find Billy's body.

Wesker, Krauser, and Cindy were standing around giving a police report as Wesker looked over to see the paramedics putting the landlord into a bodybag and setting him on a stretcher. Wesker's eyes lit up, "What are they doing with him?" he asked the cop alarmed. The cop looked over, "Oh him? He's dead. Funny though it looks like he died awhile ago. Don't worry they'll find out exactlly what killed him."

The cop turned back to see that Wesker had disappeared, Krauser and Cindy hadn't noticed where he had go off to either. The cop just sighed, "So you two have a ride?" Krauser looked down sad, "No..." "I'll drive you." Krauser's eyes widened and he looked over to Cindy who gave him a warm smile.

At that moment Krauser's heart pumped a mile a minute as he stared at this blonde beauty and gave a slight blush. Cindy returned his blush with one of her own and Krauser said in a warm low voice, "That would be great."

Back in the alleyway a man who was dressed only in his underwear gave a small moan as he was feebly propped up against a brick wall. A blonde man walked out of the alleyway in a paramedic uniform and sunglasses as he walked over to an ambulance that contained Kevin before getting into the driver's seat. He put it in drive and pulled away towards the hospital.

Wesker stared ahead at the ambulance that contained the landlord's body. He had to get him back...

Wesker drove for awhile heading to the hospital when he heard Kevin's pained groans coming from the back. In response, Wesker drove up a large hill that led into a small lake and stopped the ambulance. He got out and walked around back, opening the ambulance door, and reached in before pulling out Kevin's stretcher, the cop giving a weak moan. Wesker wheeled him to the edge of the hill and rolled him off down into the river as he gave a paniced yell. Wesker just chuckled, "Later Kevin" he purred and walked back to close the door.

Ada was driving along as she followed the river's trail to see if she could find the two idiots. She went up a large hill very fast and passed an ambulance, casually glancing over to take a curious look. As she passed by she took a quick look at the paramedic and her eyebrow raised. That looked alot like Wesker.

Wesker drove the ambulance into the hospital garage and got out, spotting the door to the hospital in the distance he casually walked to it so he wouldn't be noticed. As he walked inside the receptionist smiled at him, "Hi you-" "YES I AM A PARAMEDIC!" Wesker blurted out loudly. The receptionist gave him an odd look, "Um...i'm sure you are I was just going to say tha-" "DAMN STRAIGHT I AM A PARAMEDIC! WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU ANY DIFFRENT!" he continued yelling, "I never said you wern't sir I just-" Wesker looked pissed for some reason and grabbed the receptionist by her collar, "WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU I WASN'T!" She started to studder and Wesker pointed at a random doctor walking by, "WAS IT HIM?!" "N-no I" she was cut off when Wesker dropped her and walked over to the doctor, "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" he screamed and punched the doctor in the face, and sprawling him out on the floor.

* * *

Cindy and Krauser were driving down the city streets in Cindy's SUV singing along with a rap song that was on the radio. Cindy was going to drop Krauser off at Birkins and then just go home but fate had other plans for them. As the SUV went along, Ada pulled up next to the SUV yet unaware that Krauser was inside.

Krauser was still singing with the song when he casually glanced over to the car next to them. He looked at the driver and he gave a blood curdling scream when he noticed it was Ada.

Ada heard a muffled shriek and looked over to see Krauser with his mouth wide from screaming. She looked shocked for a moment then looked totally and utterly pissed off. Krauser put his hands up in defense to try to show he didn't do anything wrong but Ada moved her thumb over her throat saying he was done for. Krauser continued to try to show his innocence and he screamed again while Cindy looked confused as Ada pulled out a double barreled shotgun and pumped it.

* * *

Wesker who you could now tell did not work well under pressure was now flapping his arms around on the receptionist's desk clucking like a chicken. He already beat the crap out of every security guard the hospital owned and the receptionist hid behind her chair in terror, "OK OK! You can go through just don't hurt me!" she yelled and pushed a red button that opened up the door to the E.R.

Wesker stopped and got off the table looking over at the terrified receptionist, "Thank you very much" he said calmly and walked in. He soon trotted down the E.R. with a smirk on his face, "Wesker you are one sly customer" he said to himself and tried to find which door led to the morgue.

* * *

Cindy was now driving the SUV very VERY fast down the deserted city streets. Ada was following right behind them and rammed the sports utility veichle. Cindy and Krauser let out small gasps as they temporarly lost control of the veichle but she soon recovered, "Who the hell is that?! A crazy ex-girlfriend?!" Krauser just looked over terrified, "I wish! Then maybe she would feel bad about killing me!

Ada began honking her horn repeatedly like a mad woman and rammed the SUV again. Krauser catuiously stuck his head out the window and brought it violently back in when shotgun pellets made their way past his head. They were coming up on Birkin's house in the distance and Krauser wondered if he would even be safe from the crazy chinese shotgun wielding bitch there.

* * *

Wesker walked down the 2nd floor of the hospital building. He was heading down a long hallway of hospital rooms and looked inside to see nothing unusual, some old people on resperators, a woman hooked up to an I.V. a doctor banging a nur-...Wesker just stared at the doctor and the nurse doing it for about a minute before he remembered what he was there for and decided to just mind his own buisness and walk through the hallway.

Chris was laying in a hospital bed trembling and shaking violently. A doctor was sitting next to him and was gently patting his arm, "Its ok son your safe. This 'Wesker' guy aint gonna get you in here." Chris looked at him dazed, "Doctor I see him everywhere!" "Its alright son you-" Chris just stared wide eyed at the doctor that now had Wesker's face on him.

The doctor got done his little talk, "You understand me son?" Chris abesntly drooled from his horror-stricken face. The doctor just sighed and walked out of the room.

Chris was going insane. He looked all around with his eyes shifting violently, "Everywhere I see him, everywhere. Theres Wesker in his S.T.A.R.S uniform, and over there in his combat. Theres a ballarena Wesker and theres a paramedic Wesker walking by my door...Weskers everywhere. EVERYWHERE!"

Wesker stopped after walking past a hospital room, "Was that Chris?" Well he didn' have no time to go back and check so he just hurried forward making a left turn and bumped into a door, "Damnit!" He looked over and noticed it needed a keycard. He turned around and walked up to an older looking doctor in glasses looking at a clipboard, "Yo pops you mind opening this door? I gotta get to the morgue."

The doctor looked at him weird, "What are you crazy or just stupid? You know paramedics can't go into the morgue." The doctor gave a mocking laugh and continued on his way. Wesker just sighed and followed the doctor around a corner.

Suddenly a wacking sound was heard and somehow literally a split-second later Wesker walked out wearing the doctor's clothes, glasses, and holding his clipboard. He reached into the doctor's coat pockets and pulled out a small keycard. He then headed back to the door, swiped the card, and walked in.

* * *

Annette Birkin was laying in bed when she heard someone honking outside. She grumbled and got out of bed putting a robe on and walking down the stairs. William was down in the basement with his experiments and Sherry was sleeping in her room. Just as well she didn't want anybody seeing she was in feeted pajamas which she secretly liked.

She looked out the dining room window and she screamed when she came face to face with a pair of headlights and dove for the floor.

Cindy's SUV smashed into the Birkin's house and plowed right through their dining room into their kitchen with Ada following close behind. The SUV came to a halt and both Cindy and Krauser looked to be unconsious from the explosion, but soon Krauser started to stir and he opened up the passanger door and fell out onto the marble floor with a groan. His vision was blurry, and when it came into view he was face to face with the barrell of a shotgun.

* * *

Wesker headed through the various surgerey rooms going to the end to where the morgue was. It was in sight when suddenly an operation door opened up and a young nurse ran towards him and grabbed his hand, "Oh thank God Dr. Amer where the hell were you! They need you in surgery stat!" Wesker was dumbfounded as they pushed him into the operation room and closed the door.

* * *

Krauser was slowly crawling away as Ada kept pace with him, the shotgun still in his face, "Ada please I can explain!" She just looked pissed, "Yeah sure, don't bother I already know. I saw the news reports. You two jackasses killed the landlord and ruined are chances of living in the apartment." Krauser sighed in relief, "Oh hehe I thought you meant us destroying the bar." Krauser regreted saying that as Ada pumped the gun back and shoved it in Krauser's mouth, "That was you! Damnit Krauser, I can't take my eyes off you for a second without you destroying something!"

William Birkin opened the basement door to see what was going on, "What the hell is going on! I heard a crash." Right when Ada looked over, Krauser peformed a sweep kick and knocked Ada on her ass. He then jumped up and ran, hell bent for the basement door, "RUN NERDO RUN!" Krauser yelled as he pushed William through the door and they both stumbled down the stairs landing in a pile of boxes.

William rubbed his bruised head, "Damnit! Why is it every time I look out a door to see what is going on one of you guys has a gun and tries to kill me!" They stopped dead silent when they heard someone slowly approaching down the stairs and then jumped out of the boxes and ran around the small basement lab for somewhere to hide.

* * *

Wesker was pushed towards the small table with several assistants spaced around it. Helooked down to see a middle-aged man laying unconcious on the table and the blonde had to gulp, "Ok Wesker you can do this, its not like its brain surgerey" "Actually it is" a male nurse said who overheard him talking to himself. Wesker grabbed a scalpel, held it over the man's head, and gulped as he brought it down.

* * *

Ada had fully made her way down the stairs and now looked around the small lab for any trace of Krauser, and in her enraged mood she could settle for Birkin too. She walked forward and past some cylinder test tubes, unaware of the warped face looking through them. She made it too the end of the basement and kicked over an overturned box she thought they were under. She screamed and backed up when she realized there was a cage full of test animal bats under it and fell backwards on her ass with the shotgun going off hitting a test tube with some glowing liquid in it.

Ada could hear Birkin's whimpering as his creation broke and got an idea. She stood up, smirking and aimed her shotgun at the water heater which could be very flammabe, "Alright Birkin! Come out now or everything you ever worked for goes up in flames!"

Birkin couldn't take it and slowly raised his hands as he stood up from behind a table, "Alright alright I give!" Ada aimed the gun at him, "Wheres Krauser?!" Birkin pointed behind her and she turned to see Krauser quietly trying to climb up the stairs. He gave a small chuckle that turned into a whimper as the gun was pointed back at him.

* * *

"ITS A BOY! Wesker yelled happly as he held the little bundle of joy in his arms." The nurses all stared at him confused and irritated, "What the hell are you talking about! Thats his liver..." a nurse yelled, pointing at the greyish blob in Wesker's hands,"...Don't you remember this is brain surgery! Put that back and get with it doctor!"

* * *

Sherry slowly awoke from all the commotion going on downstairs. She hoped out of her yellow bed and made her way downstairs, before she looked in confusion at the kitchen as she noticed the cars crashed inside. She walked further on into the dining room to see her mother looking down the basement stairs caustiously, "Mother why are there cars in are kitchen...and why are you wearing my pajamas?" she asked pointing at the pink feeted pajamas with the little unicorns on them.

Annette growled and just decided to answer her first question, "Seems that lunkhead Wesker's friends with and your father are in trouble with the Asian lady. Just go back to bed" she said and Sherry left it at that and went into the kitchen to get a glass of milk before she went to her room.

Annette had a chair in her hands and was about to attack Ada when she heard a scream from Sherry and ran into the kitchen to see Sherry pointing inside the SUV. She looked inside and noticed Cindy laying on the steering wheel unconcious, so decided to help her out.

Ada had just got done listening to Krauser's story while William listened in with amazement at what they had been through, "So your telling me that the body was taken to the hospital and you think Wesker went after it?" Krauser just nodded. Ada thought for a second and sighed, "Well come on we gotta go save him." she muttered with a hint of reluctence.

Ada and Krauser headed for the stairs, but William stopped them before they got to them, "Just a God damn minute! You two plow into my house with friggin cars and put bullet holes in my lab equiptment! Who the hells gonna pay for this!" Krauser and Ada looked at each other, "He's right, we're gonna need a ride." Ada pointed the gun at him, "Lets go nerdo, where you keep the car keys?"

* * *

Wesker was having real trouble with the brain. He cut the skin and opened the skull with a bone-saw to the get to the pinkish blob, but after accidentaly sneezing on it, the man's heart rate had dropped severly and he was starting to convulse. Wesker was panicing a lot and actually tried to do CPR when the man's heart stopped.

The nurses looked at him like he was a complete dumbass, "What the hell are you doing! Use the defibrillator!" "Oh right" Wesker said quickly and grabbed the little machine next to him. He always wanted to say this, "Clear!" he yelled and pushed down on the man's chest. He did it three more times and the man's pulse came back, but was still critical. A nurse quickly grabbed him, "Doctor you need to get back to the brain surgery!"

Wesker had a look of realization, "Oh right the surgery!" and without thinking gabbed the defibrillator onto the man's brain, "NO DOCTOR N-" but it was too late. The funny thing was it didn't kill him, but pretty much destroyed the intellegant part of the brain and jumpstarted his motorskills.

The man suddenly became concious, fell off the table, and got right back up, "EEEEERRR!" it screamed as it stumbled towards the assistants who were backing away. Wesker stared in awe, "Well...thats one way to make a zombie" he muttered as he watched intently while the zombie started biting a female assistant as the others tried to pry him off.

* * *

William, Krauser, and Ada were all in Birkin's van as William drove towards the hospital. Birkin looked over, "So what are we going to do when we find him?" he asked very serious. Ada looked over in thought, "Well i'm sure Wesker has gotten into some restricted zones, but to be safe we are going to need disguises" Krauser looked at her confused, "What kind of disguises?"

"This is bullshit!" Krauser yelled as the three came out of a costume shop they had broken into. Ada was dressed as a fancy female doctor, but Krauser and William on the other hand, they were dressed as nurses...and not the male kind.

Krauser looked totally ridiculous in his tight nurse suit with his gigantic muscles. He had a black wig on and his with the scars on his face people were either gonna think he was a transvestite, or Rosie O' Donald.

William on the other hand...he actually looked pretty damn good. With his small form the uniform fit perfectlly and with the small hairs on his mustache shaved, he looked even better then his wife. That didn't mean he was happy though. Really he was more embarrased then he had ever been in his entire life at this point.

Ada made a fist of determination, "Ok now all we need to do is call an ambulance for a fake emergancy and hijack them when they come." Ada walked to a phonebooth and made the call.

* * *

Wesker stared bored as they finally aprehended the naturally made zombie and gave it a shot to knock it out. A male assistant looked over to Wesker with a sneer and trudged over to him, getting right up in his face, "What the fuck were you thinking you retarded jackass?" Wesker was reduced to stumbling, "I...uh...I" "Wait" the assistant said suspicious and ripped off Wesker's surgeon mask and hair net, "Your not Dr. Amer at all! Who the hell are you!" he demanded with anger. Wesker looked around the room for a way out and did the only thing he could think of, "Clear" he muttered and shocked the assistant in the chest with the defibrillator.

* * *

An ambulance pulled in front of the store next to the costume shop. They shined their headlights looking for the person they had gotten a phonecall from saying someone was having a heart attack. The two noticed a body laying on the sidewalk and quickly got out to run to it's aid.

They came across the body of Krauser still in his costume with red ketchup smeared all around the ground. The paramedics shined a flashlight and gasped when they saw Krauser's face, "Oh my God! They killed Rosie O' Donald!" What they didn't know is that Ada and Birkin secretly got into the ambulance and put it in drive with a loud _crunk_ sound.

The paramedics turned around to see to see two 'girls' in the ambulance, "What the hell?!" one of them yelled but was quickly grabbed around the neck by Krauser. He grabbed the other one too and visciously smacked their heads together, knocking them out.

After dragging the bodies to the back of the store, Krauser ran out and hopped into the driver's seat of the ambulance now wearing a paramedic uniform to gain entrance into the parking garage. He put his foot to the gas so hard that it sent Birkin and Ada who were in the back against the wall as Krauser yelled, "To the hospital, away!"

* * *

Wesker was now backing away little by little down the long operating room hallway with the defibrillator at his side, shocking any of the remaining security guards that came close. Now he knew what the people in Raccoon City must of felt when they had a bunch of people out to kill them and they couldn't hold them off forever. He came to the end, and didn't look back in time to see the staircase to the morgue before falling down the stairs with a yell and an "ouch" for every stair he hit.

He landed at the bottom of the stairs and smacked his jaw on the concerte floor, the defibrillator smashing to pieces next to him. He looked tired, bruised, battered, and beaten and barly had enough motivation to look upwards. His eyes lit up as he saw a big black sign with white letters that said 'Morgue' and jumped up to run to it, with security hot on his tail.

Krauser, Birkin, and Ada walked into the hospital and up to the receptionist that was still shaken from eariler, "Hi we-" "I KNOW YOU WORK FOR THE HOSPITAL! PLEASE PASS AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" she screamed in an inhuman tone and quickly pressed the button for them to go through.

They all stared with eyebrows raised and walked into the E.R. wing as Krauser turned to Ada with a smile, "She seemed nice." Ada let out a frustrated sigh and they walked down the hallway. They walked in with their disguises to the other end, passing a few people on the way. As they got to the end a male doctor slapped Birkin on the ass who gave a low shriek. Krauser laughed that they thought Birkin was a girl, but soon after he too was slapped on the ass.

He turned around, ready to punch whoever did it's lights out when his eyes lit up when he saw the person was a large, fat, muscular security woman who smiled at him through her glasses. The thing was he was still in disguise so that would mean she must have been a...holy crap. Krauser darted past his friends and down the hall.

Chris Redfield's doctor was again sitting with him, and listening to Chris's screams as he was now seeing other things then Wesker, "OH MY GOD! I see Rosie O' Donald!" he said pointing at a mirage of Rosie holding a chainsaw coming at him. The doctor just sighed and looked at the door he was pointing at, "No Chris...You don't see Rosie O' Do-" at that point Krauser ran by in his nurse costume, "HOLY SHIT! Thats Rosie O' Donald!" the doctor screamed in shock and took some of the medicine he had given to Chris to stop the hallucinations.

* * *

Wesker ran into the morgue area and overheard two guys talking, "Real shame it had to happen to him, he still had so much more he could of done" "Yeah well what do you think did him in?" "TVs what did it. The guy should have never been there and then it just came down on him like a bat outta hell." "Did I ever tell you I met him once?" "Really? Well thats all the more reason to find who is really responsible." "Yep."

Wesker's eyes widened at the conversation. He wasn't doin time for no one. He ran around the corner and jumped through the air vents which were vacant of any sound.

The two people continued their conversation "I blame his manager, he should have known that he couldn't act, but he signed him for the gig anyway." The two morguetitions continued watching True 'E' Hollywood Story about a famous singer who's carrer came to an end when he signed on to an acting job.

They suddenly heard thuding noises above them and out popped Albert Wesker from the air vents landing right on top of them. He started to beat one with his fist, "Your not blaming his death on me!" he yelled and then he started kicking the other one. Grabbing the chair one of the guys was sitting on, he beat them both within an inch of their lives and ran into the morgue.

He searched every body and couldn't find the damn landlord's corpse anywhere. Till he came across a bodybag that was never opened, and slowly unzipped it to reveal the decaying body of their former landlord. He pulled him out and lifted him over his shoulders, and then ran out the door. He headed for the stairs, but ran the other way when he saw a herd of guards running at him.

He had no other choice and went back into the vents. Wesker dragged the body through the vents which now smelled really bad from the small enclosure he was in. He went a pretty good distance before a rumbling sound was heard and the vent he was in started to creak, "Uh oh."

* * *

Ada, Krauser, and Birkin were approaching the operating wing when they heard something rumbling and looked up in time to see the vent break and a screaming Albert Wesker fall to the ground with the body in tow. He landed right on Birkin and slowly got off, looking at Birkin in the uniform. He gave a wide seductive grin, "Well hello there gorgeous." Birkin looked at him creeped out, "Wesker it's me...Birkin."

"...BLAAAAAAAAAA! Wesker yelled as he turned his head and vomited all over Krauser. "Aww what the hell Wesker!" he yelled and wiped the vomit from his uniform.

Some guards heard Wesker vomit and looked down the hall, "There he is!" one yelled and they ran down the hallway towards Wesker. Wesker quickly got up, helped up Birkin, grabbed the body, helped Krauser get the vomit off, and did the macarena all within 5 seconds.

They were now running down the hall which was about the same speed as the guards because asshole Birkin couldn't run for shit. They made it to the end and Wesker quickly kicked open the E.R. door and ran past the receptionist who screamed wildly at there wild entrance.

They ran out to the parking lot, heading to the ambulance the three came in when Wesker stopped and listened, "You hear that?" he asked. They all tried to listen and there eyes lit up, "Police sirens" Ada muttered and Krauser looked pissed, "Those bastards called the cops damnit!" They had no time to lose and ran to the ambulance.

Wesker jumped into the driver's seat and Birkin rode shotgun. Ada and Krauser sat in the back and placed the body on a stretcher that was in it. Wesker put the keys in the ignition and he tried to turn it, but the damn thing wouldn't start, "Come on Wesker!" Birkin yelled as he saw the police lights in the distance, "I'm tryin damnit!" he yelled while repeatidly turning the key.

The police made there way into the parking lot entrance when the key finally turned and Wesker sped forward smashing through the toll booth and sideswiping two police cars on the way out.

The ambulance made it's way down the man road, but police lights in the distance proved this was gonna be a bumpy ride. Birkin looked over at a sign and nudged Wesker, "Wesker the highways coming up! Get on it!" Wesker did what Birkin suggested and sharply turned onto the highway entrance throwing off two cops that were following him and causing them to miss the turn.

There was now a speeding ambulance with it's lights flashing speeding down the highway with a bunch of morons in it. They hadn't heard any police sirens which were a good thing, but Wesker couldn't shake the feeling they were still being trailed. He suddenly heard a hovering sound and he looked out the window to see a helicoptor, much like the one he saw on the island chasing them.

"Shit!" Wesker yelled and gripped the steering wheel tightly, "Hold on everybody!" he shouted again and then did a quick sharp turn off of the road and into a cornfield to try to lose the police. Everyone in the ambulance gave suprised shouts when he did this, but quickly recovered.

The helicoptor looked on in amazement, "What in the hell are they doing!" he asked the co-pilot who just shook his head that he didn't know. Wesker drove through the cornfield and about half way in they ran over something.

Wesker and Birkin looked at each other with confused looks then looked back to the windshield when all of a sudden the large form of a guy smacked into the windshield. Birkin let out a scream and Wesker just looked at it odd. He reached over and grabbed a small flashlight, and shined it at the windshield. A scarecrow's face stared back at him with a smile and he looked over to see Birkin still screaming his ass off. Wesker sighed and tapped him on the shoulder, "Its a scarecrow jackass!"

Wesker rode through to the end of the cornfield. He came up on a country road and was suprised to see three police cars coming right for him, "Oh shit!" he screamed and did a 180 as the squad cars tried to pit manuveur him. When he did this move to elude police the doors on the back of the ambulance flew open and the stretcher rolled towards the now open doors. Krauser screamed and dove out of the ambulance, while grabbing the stretcher.

Ada quickly grabbed Krauser's feet as he hung out of the ambulance clinging to the stretcher as it rolled along with a few sparks traveling down the paved road. Wesker looked ahead and noticed there was a left turn and a right turn. It didn't really make a diffrence as the road came back together soon after anyway so he just made a sharp right.

Yet as he did this Ada lost her grip on Krauser's feet and he fell out of the ambulance and landed on the stretcher that traveled in the opposite direction carrying a screaming Krauser. Wesker looked back to see what the noise was and saw the sole figure of Ada staring at the open doors with a surpised expression on her face. She looked back at him with her mouth hanging open and his eyes quickly went wide as he gave a loud scream and jammed on the breaks.

Krauser was speeding down a steep hill on the stretcher, clutching the landlord's dead body for dear life. He continued screaming as police cars had to swerve out of the way to avoid hitting them before the stretcher came to the end of the hill and swerved right down another hill overlooking the lake.

Kevin had just made his way onto the shore after Wesker had pushed his strecther into the lake. He slowly walked onto the road totally dazed and tired from his swim when he heard screaming. He looked to the right and his eyes widened as the stretcher carrying Krauser smacked into him and took him along for the ride.

Wesker drove the ambulance past two more cop cars and was coming up on the stretcher in the distance. He pushed the gas pedal down to the floor and sped up till he was right next to the stretcher, "Krauser you idiot! Get back in here!" Krauser just looked at Wesker like he had three heads, "I would if I could you jackass! Now find a way to get me in!" Kevin was hanging on by a thread as he started to whimper.

Wesker thought for a second and turned around to Ada to explain his plan. The ambulance sped in front of the stretcher and Ada tied a long plastic tube around her waist and got ready to jump. She timed it right and dove out of the ambulance and on to the stretcher. She noticed Kevin hanging on, "What the hell are you doing?! No hitchikers!" she yelled and stomped on his arms, sending him off the stretcher and smacking onto the road over and over.

A police cop trailing them gasped in suprise as Kevin's body slammed through his windsheild and landed in the passanger's seat. He looked over dazed, "Hey Frank" and the cop looked back at him, "Hey Kevin."

Ada pulled on the plastic tube to bring it back in, but it snapped and she was stuck on the stretcher. It didn't take long though as when they went over a hill the stretcher flew up and landed in the back of the ambulance. Wesker looked back to see them all on the floor and looked back at the doors, "When you get a chance, might wanna close those doors." Ada just growled.

Annette sat on the couch with Cindy waving a newspaper to cool her down. Sherry got a glass of water and when Cindy woke up handed it to her. The waitress chugged it down hurridly and then looked over to Annette and Sherry, confused of her whereabouts, "Where am I?" she asked? Annette patted her shoulder reasureingly, "Your safe now."

That wasn't exactally true as outside tires screeching could be heard and an ambulance plowed right through the living room wall and stopped just inches from the screaming girls. Annette looked up in the ambulance to see her husband, dressed in drag waving at her, "Hi honey" he said simply before she got up from the couch to punch her husband's lights out.

But as she got up three cop cars also plowed into the house and one hit the back of the ambulance throwing it foward and sending Annette and Cindy who were on the couch through the wall and into the dining room.

Birkin whimpered as he looked at his house. They didn't have any time to waste though so they quickly opened the ambulance doors and Wesker and Birkin grabbed the body then ran in the basement to dispose of it.

The cops got out of their cars and aimed their various weapons at the fleeing Wesker and Birkin, "Freeze!" one cop yelled, but they didn't listen and Birkin just slammed the door behind them. They ran down the stairs while Wesker paniced, "Quick we have to dispose of the evidence! As long as they have no body they can only get us for evading police, and destruction of property!"

The cops started to bang on the basement door, but Birkin responsed by pushing a button and a metal coating appeared in front of it. Birkin started to mix chemicals that would disolve the body, "Lets see some Nitrogen Dioxide, Sulfer Chloride, and a little bit of Tirus." he poured them all in a small vat and smiled when the contents became a sizzileing green liquid corrosive acid.

Wesker grabbed the body and dumped it into the vat before backing up as the body was absorbed into the liquid with a burning sound. Wesker laughed at their accomplishment and Birkin gave an evil smile and the liquids back, but stopped as he came to the chemical known as Tirus. It seemed the label got wrinkled so he quickly unraveled it with shock. The label didn't say 'Tirus' , but 'T-Virus'.

His eyes widened in shock and he quickly ran it over to a laughing Wesker, "Wesker I-" Wesker held his hand up, "Not now Birkin, i'm enjoying my ingenius accomplishment hahaha!" Birkin looked pissed, "But Albert!" Wesker poked him, "Look I told to leave me be. And never call me Albert!" he yelled unaware in the backround that something was rising out of the green liquid.

Wesker continued poking him threatingly, "You got that Birkin?!" Suddenly there was a loud moaning and they looked over to see that the Landlord had turned into a licker which slowly climbed out of the vat.

The cops were still trying to open the door when they heard Wesker and Birkin scream down below. Suddenly the door busted open and Wesker, and Birkin flew out before smashing into Birkin's refridgerator. The cops looked at them and then back down at the basement to see the horrifying creature.

They both gave screams, but were quickly grabbed by the licker's tounge and pulled down the stairs. The licker made quick work of the two cops and slowly crawled up the stairs. He looked over to the dining room to see a very terrfied Annette, Sherry, Cindy, Ada, and Krauser. The licker grinned and started forward to kill them. Krauser finally mustered up some courage, "Don't worry ladies! I'll protect you!" he yelled bravely and jumped in front of them. He held his hands up in a karate stance, "Lets go you abomination i'll kick your Ass! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! he yelled as the licker grabbed him by the ankle and smacked him repeatidly into the walls, "OW SHIT OW DAMNIT OW!"

Suddenly an engine started and the licker looked over to the hole in the wall to see Wesker and Birkin starting the ambulance. Wesker put it in drive and stared at the mutated landlord, "See you in hell you son of a bitch!" he yelled and drove the ambulance forward into the licker and knocking it through a window to the outside.

With the licker gone they all just sighed in relief. They heard the police sirens in the distance and realized they should rap it up before more police came. Wesker and Birkin got out of the ambulance and ran over to the group. Krauser was laying on the floor, battered and the girls were still in shock.

After everybody was alright they stood out on the front lawn getting ready to say goodbye. Wesker, Krauser, Ada, and Cindy were in one group, and the Birkin family was on the other. Wesker rubbed the back of his head embarassed, "Look Birkin...sorry for the destruction of your house, and getting you involved." Birkin just laughed it off and held out his hand, "Relax Wesker, Umbrella will pay for the damages, and also since they practically own this town, they can get me off scott free." he laughed reassuringly. Wesker sighed, "Well thats a relief. Anyway thanks for helping us out, and calling a taxi and all."

The taxi driver waitng for them honked his horn, "Aie! Hurry the hell up wit ya damnit!" Krauser just looked over pissed, "Up yours you dirty old bastard were coming!" Wesker shook Birkin's hand, "Well, see you at work." They walked towards the taxi, but Ada quickly turned around, "Oh and Annette" Annette looked over, listening, "Nice PJs" she said and laughed at the unicorn pajamas. Annette's face went beat red from embarassment and anger and just mumbled to herself. William chuckled slightly and patted his wife's back comfortingly.

Wesker, Krauser, and Ada made it back to their apartment after dropping off Cindy and Wesker paid the taxi driver, "Here, go buy yourself a suit and get a real job." The taxi driver just grumbled and drove away.

They walked into the lobby and then heard a familiar voice, "Oh hey guys by the way, a guy came by saying he knew you guys so I let him into the apartment. Go on up." Wesker, Krauser, and Ada turned around slowly with shock evident on their faces and looked to the noise source to see the landlord still looking like a licker. He must of evolved enough to stand upright and speak clearly even though he was still drooling.

Ada screamed, Krauser puked, and Wesker just studdered, "Uh...th-thanks" The licker landlord's mouth gave a slight smile and he walked off to the back room. Ada, Krauser, and Wesker looked at each other and ran very fast up the stairs to get away from the licker who didn't remember anything and also to see who was in their room.

They slowly opened it and Wesker switched the lights on to reveal Billy Cohen lounging on the couch with his hands on the back of his head, "Bout time you guys showed up. What took ya?" Wesker just growled, "What the hell are you doing here?!" Billy just sighed, "I'm a drifter, I go wherever I feel. By the way nice job you did on the landlord down there. Pretty funny stuff" he chuckled and gave a satisfied sigh from laying on the couch. Wesker growled and was about to go over to kick him out, when he was stopped by Ada who grabbed his arm, "Don't you dare think about touching are guest" she said, but she didn't sound normal she sounded calmer. Billy grinned and got up, kissing Ada's hand, "I don't believe i've had the pleasure of meeting this lovely Asian beauty." Ada just giggled with a pink tint to her cheeks.

Wesker's eyes widened. Ada was lovestruck by this pretty boy. Wesker was fuming and growling to himself. Ada got very close to him, "So do you have a place to go tonight Mr..." "Cohen, Billy Cohen, and no I don't gorgeous." Ada giggled, "Well i'm sure Krauser won't mind giving up his bed...will you Krauser?" Krauser groaned, "Well I don't know I-" _STOMP_ "-YEAAOW!" Krauser yelled as Ada stepped on his foot, "I mean sure sure he can have my bed." Ada smiled happly, "Good you can have the couch Krauser." Wesker growled at this, "Well where the hell do I sleep!" he asked really pissed off.

Wesker was now laying on the roof with a thin blanket and rough pillow staring up at the stars, "_SIGH_ You had to open your mouth didn't you Wesker?" he asked himself irritated. He just decided to get some sleep, ignoring the smoke coming from the vent, and cop sirens in the distance, but had to cover his ears with his pillow when he heard Ada giggling down below in the bedroom and Billy talking seductivly to her.

Wesker just sighed and slowly fell asleep. Tommorow was a brand new day...unfortunatly.


	8. Poppin pills and parties with Bill

House Of The Idiots Chapter 8

_Author's Notes: Just a quick note that Billy will kinda be an asshole in this chapter and he will have a pretty bad ending so I apologize to any Billy fans. Also Ada will seem kind of weak in some of these parts but just bare with me._

was 9:00 A.M and Krauser shot of the couch to get ready to go to the gym. He actually had a pleasent sleep on the couch, though he would have still prefered the bed. He put on his shoes, his beret, and kept his knife handy in case he ran into another Jahova Witness, and only needed his duffelbag to get going.

He hummed a merry tune as he walked to the bedroom to get the bag, but when he walked in the door he gave a high pitched shirek at what he saw. There on the bottom bunk were Billy and Ada completly nude sleeping soundly. Krauser started to panic and violently shook the Asian woman from her slumber.

She slowly looked up at Krauser, "Oh hey Krauser...what time is it?" she asked in a low, tired tone. Krauser just pulled at his hair, "What time is it? Its time for you to put some clothes on and get on the top bunk before Wesker sees." he said trying not to yell. Ada just looked at him odd then gave a 'humpf', "I can sleep with whoever I want without Wesker's concent" she said in an annoyed tone then put the covers back on her, "Good night!" she said abruptly and then just tuned him out.

Krauser gave a frustrated groan and ran out the door in time to see Wesker walk by, looking like total shit as his eyes were almost squinted shut and crusty, his hair was shooting out all over the place, and his skin was very pale. He just passed by Krauser slumping, "I feel like shit" he said tired, and walked into the bathroom to get a shower.

Krauser waited till he heard the water running then rushed back into the bedroom to wake Ada up. He shook her violently yet again, "Please Ada! It'll crush him to see you sleeping with Billy!" Ada just looked mad, "Now why would it crush him? Why the hell would he care if I slept with someone I bet he does it all the time." Krauser just stared up at the ceiling, "Hehe...yeah" not wanting to give away Wesker's secret that he was still a virgin.

Krauser wanted to make sure he had enough time and slowly opened the bathroom door to make sure he was still busy. He looked in to see Wesker standing in the shower with all of his clothes on (including shoes) while staring blankly at the ceiling with his mouth hanging open with water going into it.

Krauser was worried Wesker might drown like the turkeys do so he just casually crept to the shower and gently closed Wesker's mouth without him even noticing. Then he walked back out and into the bedroom again. Wesker was his only friend he didn't purchase at McDonalds and he didn't want to see him hurt!

Krauser started to whimper as he looked around to find anything that helped him, "Oh my God!" He looked back to see Wesker really drenched with a horrid look on his face at seeing Ada and Billy that started to wake up from the yell. Wesker just stared, "What the hell is going on here!"

Krauser looked over to the bed and punched at the support beams of the top bunk sending it down onto Billy and Ada who both gave muffled yells as it covered them up, "Nothing! Nothings going on!" Wesker just growled and stomped over to the bunks kicking off the top bunk and pointing a stearn finger at Billy, "You! Get the Fuck out of my apartment!" he screamed. Billy just chuckled and Wesker grabbed Krauser's knife from his sheath and was about to gab it in his eye, "This is 'are' apartment! And Billy can stay if he wants too. You have no say in the matter Albert Wesker so goodbye!" Ada yelled in a stern tone.

"I...I just...UGH!" Wesker groaned loudly and charged out of the room and out of the apartment door. Krauser just stared at the two with a sad look on his face. Billy just glared at him, "What? Mind your own buisness you steroid freak and go get me a sandwich!" Billy yelled and pointed at the door.

Krauser stared with a blank expression at Ada who had the same look as Billy and just walked out the room, closing the door trying to block the muffled sounds of Billy talking about 'Round 2' and Ada giving a giggle.

Krauser walked into the gym and was greeted by some of his gymmates that had a very...'colorful' way to express emotions, "Hi Krauser! How are you!" one of the men asked, as him and other man watch their buddy bench press. Krauser just gives an anguished grumble, "Not so good guys. Im having a problem with some guy."

The three bodybuilders that are obviously homosexual even though Krauser never figured it out, took intrest at the statement of Krauser talking about a guy problem. One pipped up, "Well what did the man do?" Krauser layed down and started to bench as he looked at him, "Well the guy was in my bed last night saying very dirty things..." The guys eyes lit up as Krauser talked on, "...and in the morning I tried to kick his naked ass out of my bed but no. That asshole drifter's isn't going for a one night stand, and thinks he can live in my apartment! This other guy found out and got really upset. I don't know what to do!"

The three guys looked at each other. They were suprised that Krauser had two men after him and then looked back to him with an answer, "What you gotta do is get that asshole drifter out of your apartment! Then you have to find some way to make it up to your other 'friend'." Krauser looked up happly, "Your right! I gotta go back to my apartment and tell that zombie survivor to stop banging that Asian chick before my non-McDonald's friend uses his virus given abilites to murder them! Thanks guys!" he yelled and dropped the dumbbell that crushed the feet of two of the lifters making them scream really loud.

Krauser ran out of the gym and the weightlifters just looked at each other with wild expressions, "What the hell was that all about?"

Krauser ran for home and passed an alleyway, "Hey buddy? I have something you might be intrested in." Krauser stopped suspicious and looked over in the alleyway to see a man wearing a hoodie beckoning him. Krauser raised an eyebrow and just headed down it to see what he wanted.

The hooded man looked left and right, shiftly and then looked to Krauser, "I have the good stuff right here yo" he said low and pulled out little viles that looked to contain little circular pills. Krauser just looked at them confused, "What the hell are those? Some kind of medication?" The mysterious man just chuckled, "Yeah I guess you could say that since they make you feel alot 'better' when you take them."

Krauser's eyes lit up, "They make you feel better! Thats great! I have a friend thats feeling pretty low right now and he could use this pick me up! Whats it called?" The man laughed, "Names not important. All you need to know my muscular friend is that if your friend takes this, he's gonna be cheerier then Michael Jackson at his court case." Krauser's smile widened, "Wow thats cheery...ok i'll take a vile, how much?"

The man thought, "Well...I usually cost these pretty high, but since your new and it's to help a friend...40 bucks." Krauser's eyes lit up, "FORTY BUCKS!" The man 'shushed' him really loud and looked around to see if anybody heard him, "Keep it down. Look these thinks aren't easy to make-" "You made them?" "...well not exactally...but a friend of mine did." "Oh is he a pharmacist?" "I guess you can say that. So do you want the damn things or not?"

Krauser sighed. It was for Wesker, "Ok i'll take them." Krauser handed the man two twenties and the guy dropped the vile that contained two pills in his hand and ran off down the alleyway and out of sight.

Krauser just stared at the clear vile with a raised eyebrow. They just looked like regular tablets and wondered if they would work. Only one way to find out. And with that thought he walked back to the apartment to give Wesker the pills.

He walked to the front of the building and was greeted by a mailman that was placing letters into the mailboxes for the residents. Krauser walked through the door and headed for the stairs when he heard a screaming sound outside and then a loud thud.

He ran outside to see Wesker laying on top of the fallen mailman, dazed and dizzy. Krauser looked up and noticed that Wesker must have jumped from the roof. He ran over to his friends aide and looked down, "Oh my God Wesker! What the hell were you thinking!"

Wesker looked up and started to whimper, "I just wanna die! I am loved by no one, and nobody cares if I am alive or dead!" Krauser looked sad, "I care" but Wesker just groaned loudly, "That makes it even worse!"

Krauser dragged Albert Wesker into the lobby, but didn't actually know where he was going. He certainly didn't want to go back to their apartment in fear that Wesker would kill himself at the sight of Ada and Billy, but he didn't want to go to Alyssa's apartment because she would try to come on to them, and he didn't want to go to the landlords because of the horror stories Wesker told him.

He needed to go somewhere else, but he didn't have a car. He thought for a second and walked over to the landlord's desk. Krauser grimaced at seeing the disgusting licker that was now their landlord and it greeted him with a smile, "Oh hello Krauser, what can I do for you?" "Yeah look, Wesker here is really upset about an incident that happened in are apartment, and I was wondering if you can give us a ride to his friend's house."

The landlord thought for a sec, "Well I would, but for some reason I misplaced my hummer, but I could get Alyssa to drive you." Krauser's eyes lit up, "NO" he freaked, but the landlord didn't pay any attention as Alyssa walked down the stairs to the lobby, "Oh hello there Alyssa can you do me a favor?"

She walked up, "Sure what is it, and I love what you did to your hair" she said, pointing at his exposed brain. "Well Krauser here needs a ride to a friend's house and I was wondering if you could take him on your way to work." Krauser was waving his hands wildly to say no, and Alyssa just gave a sly smirk, "Well sure I would be happy to take them" she cooed and turned to Krauser, "Well Krauser if you would just step this way I will show you to my automobile. Krauser sighed, grabbed Wesker, and flipped off the landlord who just stood there with a suprised frown.

After a smooth car ride Alyssa's minivan pulled up to the front of Birkin's house. Krauser sat in the backseat and kept a watchful eye on the reporter the entire time to make sure she didn't make a move.

Alyssa looked in the rear view mirror and chuckled at Krauser's glaring face staring at her. She just gave a comforted sigh, "Well time to get out." Krauser's eyes lit up from her lack of seduction, "Um...ok thanks for the ri-" he was caught off guard when something metal was placed around his wrist and he was stuck in the car.

He looked down to see that a pair of handcuffs, on on his wrist and the other attached to his seat. His jaw dropped at his situation, but Alyssa gave an evil laugh that would put Alexias to shame. She reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a long whip. She lashed it at the steering wheel and grinned wildly, "Well well well, looks like my little Krausers been a naughty boy. Looks like he needs to be pun-" she stopped short when a large ripping sound was heard and she looked out the driver's side window to see Krauser dashing with Wesker in hand to Birkin's door with the handcuffs still attached to the seat which he was slowly dragging.

Wesker was now laying in the repaired living room of the Birkins and Krauser was talking to Birkin in the kitchen, "So thats the story. Ada slept with a guy, and Wesker wants to kill himself." Birkin just laughed, "That would be impossible anyway. Wesker still has the Rebirth Virus in him, so he would need something really powerful to kill...OH MY GOD!"

Krauser looked over to where Birkin was looking to see Wesker holding a hand gernade in his mouth without a pin in it. Krauser quickly ran over to him and forced the gernade from his mouth and out the window.

Annette had just arrived home from work when she heard a crashing sound, and looked back to see a small hole in her car's windsheild, "What the hell?" She walked over to the car and looked in the window to see the pinless gernade. She gave a sharp scream and dove from the car as it burst into flames.

Krauser tried to hold on to Wesker's foot as he tried to reach over to some drain cleaner and drink it, "Wesker no don't do it!" he yelled as Wesker finally made his way to the bottle and downed it. Wesker started to laugh maniacally as he waited for the end, but Birkin gave a cautious 'uh'.

Krauser looked at him funny, "Why 'uh'?" "That...wasn't drain cleaner." Wesker and Krauser looked at him odd, "Well what in the hell was it, it tastes like piss." Birkin rubbed the back of his head, "Funny you should say that, see Annette's mother is staying with us and she really can't get up to go to the bathroom so we um..."

Birkin just let the sentence trail off as Wesker's and Krauser's faces grimaced and Wesker started to spit back up the 'drain cleaner'. At this time the front door slowly opened and William looked over and smiled happly, "Oh hi honey, how was work?" Annette walked in covered in debrey with tattered clothes, and wacked out hair. She ran over to her husband and gave him a bunch he was never going to forget.

Wesker was now laying on the couch, along with a blackeyed William. Krauser was looking at him sad and tried to think of something to cheer him up. Then he remembered the vile and reached into his pocket pulling out one of the pills, "Oh Wesker. I felt bad that you were so depressed that I bought some pills from a nice man in the alleyway!" he piped up as he stretched out his hand to give him the little tablet.

Wesker raised an eyebrow, "A pill from a man in the alleyway?" he asked suspicious as he grabbed the pill. Krauser smiled brightly, "Yep, he said just take one and you'll be happy for hours. Though he did say to take plenty of water." Wesker just looked at the pill with a raised eyebrow, "Krauser...why is there a picture of a naked girl on the pill?" he asked in an annoyed tone.

Krauser just thought, "Um...I don't know maybe its some kind of promotional item." Wesker just sighed and threw the pill in this face, "Take the damn pill back Krauser. I ain't taking nothing from some thug in an alleyway. How much you pay for them anyway?" "Forty bucks." Wesker just sighed heavily, "Krauser you are a stupid jackass you know that? That was are money for food! Now get the hell away from me!"

Krauser seemed hurt and just sighed, leaving the vile on the kitchen counter as he walked out of the house. Wesker just grumbled and layed back, "Jackass" he muttered before nodding off next to William.

Annette rumaged through her medicine cabinet and finally found what she was looking for. Giving a satisfied smile she pulled out a large white bottle of asprin. She had a splitting headache and really needed somethig to relieve her of it.

She headed down the stairs, and into the kitchen to get a glass of water. She opened the bottle and took a tablet out, setting the bottle in the sink as she grabbed a glass from a cabnet and filled it with water. She downed it all in one chug and let out a happy sigh as she slammed the glass on the counter.

Yet when she did this, she didn't see the vile silently tip over and it's contents fall into the asprin bottle. She screwed the top on the bottle and placed it on the counter, walking away to take a much deserved shower.

Wesker and William slowly awoke from the sound of the running water and both quickly held their heads in pain, "Christ my head feels like its been hit with a baseball bat" Wesker mumbled irritated and walked into the kitchen to get something to eat. As he walked by the counter he noticed the asprin bottle, "Yo Birkin i'm gonna take one of your asprins ok?"

Birkin just nodded, "Sure and give me one while your at it." Wesker unscrewed the top and took out two pills laying at the top and threw one over to William. They both swallowed them without water, but never noticed the intresting picture of a girl on both of the pills.

Krauser just got off of the bus that was about a block away from the apartment and slowly trudged down it. He tried to make Wesker happy, and somehow made him even more upset. He was a terrible friend and he was the one that deserved to die.

With all hope lost he hung his head down low, and shuffled down the sidewalk. He reached into his pockets and pulled out two toys, one of Stalin and the other of Truman. He put them on his shoulders and pretended to speak for them, "Whats the matter Krauser?" the Stalin one said. Krauser just sighed, "Well I took the weightlifters advice and bought something to show Wesker that he is my friend and that I care for him, but now he is even more pissed and keeps trying to kill himself."

He used his figure to nudge the Truman toy to make it look like it was moving, "Well thats too bad Krauser. Did you ever think to just talk it out with him? You know without the drama or the presents or anything. Just see whats on his mind." Krauser gave a hopeful smile, "Your right Truman, just talk it out. Your the best, thanks!" "No problem, now go rob that Dunkin Donuts over there" "Ok!" Krauser said happly and walked over to fufill the toy's wishes.

Wesker and William stared blankly at the ceiling as it started turning funny colors. William looked over to Wesker, "Wesker...I feel strange." Wesker couldn't hear him from being to occupied at watching the dancing porkchop.

William slowly sat up, "Wesker...Wesker! He dove onto Wesker who gave a suprised yell, "Oh my God Wesker speak to me! No!" Wesker pushed him off, "Birkin! I'm not dead damnit!" Birkin just sat back and stared at him, "Oh...so...wanna go out?" Wesker looked over, "I ain't gay" Birkin just shook his head, "No I mean outsiiiiiiiiiide!" he said in a relaxed tone. Wesker nodded his head and the to increasingly chuckling men walked out the door to an aimless destination.

They stumbled out laughing like mad and headed down the street. Birkin was spinning around in circles like a ballerenia, and Wesker was charging around with a loud, "WOOOO! Lets go Raccoon Wallabies!" as he thought he was at a sports event.

They made it to the end of the street and started to walk through a busy intersection without even looking both ways, "Hey watch it you SOBs!" a cab driver yelled as they stumbled by his car.

Birkin looked over to the yellow cab with glazey eyes, "Hang on a sec Wesker, I gotta use the bathroom." He walked over to the cab and hopped into the back seat.

Seconds later the driver ran out of the car covering his nose, "Jesus Christ thats disgusting!" he held and ran over to an alleyway to grab a lead pipe.

Wesker had a creepy grimace on his face and stumbled over to the car and looked in the back to see Birkin reading a newspaper as he did his...'buisness'. Wesker looked in the front and noticed the keys were still inside, "Lets go to the IHOP i'm driving!" he yelled as he jumped into the driver's seat and sped off, as the taxi driver chased after them to no avail.

Krauser walked up to the apartment building, licking his fingers from the glazed doughnut he just consumed and looked up when he heard something thuding. It looked to be coming from their apartment so he quickly ran inside, and up the stairs.

The thuding got louder, and in a sort of rhymthic motion. Krauser raised an eyebrow and walked to the door to, putting an ear to it so he could hear what was going on inside. He could hear very loud rock music, along with a bunch of people talking. His eyes lit up and he pulled open the door very quickly to discover a large party going on.

A bunch of freaks with long hair, and tons of biker looking characters were spread out across the living room as Krauser slowly stepped in. He looked in the kitchen to see several kegs lined up against the wall, and looked onto the kitchen table to see a pair of bikers making out.

He grimaced at their bad looks and moved ahead to get a full look of the living room. The lights were dim, and were replaced by a bunch of laser light contraptions. Also a few fog machines gave the room a hint of errieness. There was a large stereo in the corner where the music was coming from, and some asshole biker had his bike parked right in the corner.

He heard people laughing and looked over to the couch to see Billy surrounded by two unidentified woman, and a bunch of bikers and hippies. Ada was nowhere to be found, but Billy looked towards the kitchen and yelled out, "Yo Ada wheres are beer bitch!"

Krauser looked over to the kitchen entrance to see Ada walk out in a french maid uniform carrying a tray full of beer cans. She had a depressed look on her face and walked over to Billy, "Here you go" she said angerly and dropped the tray on his lap. She turned to leave, but her arm was caught by Billy's arm, "Woh woh woh bitch. What was that? 'Here you go' no I don't think so, I thought we had something special, but you needed to ruin it."

Ada hung her head in defeat, "I know, your right...sorry" "sorry...?" She gave a sigh, "Sorry...master." Billy gave a slight chuckle, "Damn straight bitch, now go over to Joe's bike over there and polish it for him." She gave a heave and walked over to the bike, her high heels clicking in a rhythm.

Krauser growled and raced over to Ada who started to clean the bike with a rag, "Ada, what the hell are you doing?" he freaked in a muffled whisper. Ada just looked up with blank eyes, "I'm just doing what he tells me." Krauser just raised an eyebrow, "Why?" Ada justed looked down, "Because i'm weak and stupid. He made me realize that." She started cleaning the bike again.

Krauser gritted his teeth angerly and headed back to the couch to kick the man who brainwashed Ada into believing that's ass. He trudged up to Billy who looked up with a grin, "Ah well if it isn't the steroid freak 'Krauder'. Why don't you make yourself useful and help that stupid maid over there clean."

Him and his friends started to laugh, but Krauser gripped his fists, growled loudly, and threw his fist out contacting with Billy's cheek causing the girls around him to gasp, and Billy himself to fall off the back of the couch.

One of the hippies got up, but Krauser quickly socked him in the jaw sending him flying, two bikers dove on his back, but Krauser grabbed them and through them into the coffee table with a loud crash.

Krauser ran over to the motorcycle, and lifted off the ground causing Ada to look at him funny. He looked over to the pile of people that were seeing if Billy was alright and chucked the bike right at them receiving screams as it hit into a few people knocking them down.

He ran into the kitchen and grabbed a keg, running back into the living room. Billy and a few people layed unconcious on the floor, but the others that saw Krauser freaked out and ran into the bathroom. When they were all in Krauser punctured a hole in the keg with his sharp knife and rolled it into the bathroom as they closed the door.

Krauser took out a lighter with a smirk and bent down to the thin trail of alcohol, lighting it. A small line of fire formed that went under the bathroom door and seconds later the door blew off it's hinges along with a few people that flew through the air screaming and hit the ground.

Krauser laughed maniaically as he looked at all of the downed people, but suddenly he convulsed and hit the floor. He looked up to see Ada with a sad face holding a stun gun before passing out.

Wesker was speeding downtown in the taxi car with Birkin held a baseball bat out the passanger side window. They both started laughing like mad men and Birkin started smashing mailboxes, newspaper stands, and trash cans. Wesker looked over with a laugh, but looked back with a yell as he ran into a red sports car.

A big middle aged man got out, and to their misfourtane it happened to be Birkin's employeer. He stomped up to the scientist as he got out of the taxi, "William Birkin! What in the hell do you think your doing! You and Albert plow into my $45,000 car with an obviously stolen taxi cab. You also look like your on drugs now what do you have to say for yourself!"

Birkin just stared at the man with a dazed face. He spaced out and thought the cars honking their horns were people cheering, and that the stoplights were cameras flashing. He looked around to see he was in a boxing ring and looked back to his employeer to see him as Evander Holyfield ready to fight him.

"Birkin...Birkin are you there hello?" Birkin's face became a crazed grin, "IM MIKE TYSON BITCH!" he screamed and dug his teeth into the man's ear ripping part of it off. The man quickly grabbed at his ear, "AAAH! OH MY GOD!" he yelled and quickly ran into his sports car, driving off before Birkin did something else insane.

Wesker and Birkin were stumbling down the street again. Wesker turned to Birkin with a smile, "Hey! Lets go show that bitch Ada that I don't need her anymore!" he screamed happily. William just gave a dumb nod and they headed down for the apartment.

About two blocks away they both could start to hear the music from the apartment. They started to dance like idiots before Wesker's face became serious and he ran across the street as Birkin continued dancing.

Chirs, Leon, Rebecca, and Claire were walking down the street, but turned around when they heard someone approaching fast behind them. They turned to see Wesker jump next to Chris and start to dance at him like a male stripper, "Chris dance with me! DANCE WITH ME!" he screamed and continued dancing.

They all stared dumfounded except Rebecca who started move left and right getting into the rhythm until Claire glared at her and she stopped. Chris started to back away slowly, but Wesker just inched towards him while still dancing, "We-Wesker what in the hell are you doing!" Wesker started to break dance, "Just gettin my groove on!"

Leon and Claire turned around to get away, but gave slight yells as they came face to face with a break dancing William Birkin. Claire leaned near Leon, "Is...is that Sherry's father?" Leon just gave a slight nod. Birkin started dancing near them, "Come on Leon, come on Claire lets party!" he screamed.

All four of the anti-Umbrella members just back up slowly, and looked down a long alleyway they were next too. They suddenly all rushed off down the alleyway giving frightened yells the whole way down. As for Wesker and Birkin they just continued dancing.

Krauser started to come into conciousness. He made out blurry images and made a conclusion he was in the bedroom. He tried to move, but realized he was tied down to what looked like a chair. His vision finally became clear, and saw Billy in front of him with a shoulder around a sad Ada laughing at him, "So steroid man you think you can just come into my new crib and take away my girl? I don't think so." He laughed and one of the girls that were on the couch earlier gabbed Krauser on the arm with a stun gun recieving a painful groan from the army veteran.

Billy just laughed, "Keep doing that, me and my girl are gonna go grab a keg." Billy walked out with a reluctant Ada who looked into his eyes with an 'im sorry look'. Krauser just sat there as he recieved another painful shock, "Wesker will come to kick your ass Billy!" he yelled out the door. Billy just laughed, "That loser? I saw him jump from the roof earlier. He ain't nothing, but a complete fool, and by now is probably dead" he said to Krauser and Ada's eyes lit up. She would never be able to forgive herself if Wesker was dead.

They walked into the kitchen and Ada finally spoke up, "Wesker will come back here...and when he does...HE GONNA KILL YOU _SMACK _Ahh!" she fell to the floor as Billy smacked her, "You shut up you bitch! That stupid blonde ain't coming back for you. And you know why because he knows your a whore!" A guy holding a beer looking out of the kitchen just pointed to the living room, "Um...actually he's already here."

Billy's eyes lit up, "What!" he yelled and him and Ada ran out into the living room to where he was pointing. They looked over to see Wesker and Birkin at the stereo system with a microphone in their hands doing karaoke, "Just a lonely girl...living in a lonely wo-orld...she took the midnight train going an.y.where!" Then Birkin chipped in singing 100 times better then Wesker and sounded just like the singer, "Just a city boy...born and raised in south Detroit...he took the midnight train going an.y.where!" They both started nodding their heads as the song became a music solo.

Billy just stared confused and a few of the bikers and hippies actually started clapping for them. Ada didn't know what to make of it and just walked on over as Billy ran. Billy came up to them, "Just what in the hell are you two bastards doing!" Wesker and Birkin looked up with smiles, "Just enjoying the party you increasingly attractive Marine" Birkin said with a dazed look.

Billy just looked in disgust and turned to Wesker, "So I guess you want to fight me to get your girl back huh?" Wesker just gave a stupid smile, "No not really. But can ya tell me where you keep the beer?" Billy just slowly raised his finger to the kitchen and Wesker hopped off to run to it as Birkin just continued singing.

It was about 10 minutes after the encounter and Wesker was drinking right from the keg as bikers stood around him yelling "CHUGALUG CHUGALUG!" Birkin was now doing a rap as a bunch of people stood around him wideeyed as he talked about his bitches and hoes, and Ada was now sitting on the couch with a chuckling Billy, "You see Ada? These people can care a less about you." Ada looked down with a teary look in her eyes. This bastard was right. Here she was getting abused by this man and Wesker was drinking his ass off.

All hope looked lost before something in the bedroom changed everything. Krauser just recieved another shock from the woman, "Jesus Christ lady what in the hell are you doing this for!" he yelled at the shadowy woman. The woman just smirked, "I'm just punishing my Krausy Wowsy for being a bad boy" the woman muttered seductivly. Krauser's eyes grew wide as he recongnized the voice and the woman came into full light as being Alyssa.

The party was going on well before an ear-splitting scream was heard and they all looked over to the bedroom to see Krauser literally bust open the door and run out, stil tied to the chair. He ran around in circles from the shock he was in, scaring the hell out of many bikers. He accidentally rammed into the motorcycle, starting it. It sped through the living room hitting a few people.

Everyone screamed from either Krauser or the motorcyle and ran for the door. The first person threw it open and everyone gave loud gasps as they came face to face with the licker landlord, "Hey guys you mind quieting it down a bit?" They all stared at him for 10 seconds before screaming again and pushing him over as they ran out the door.

The only ones left were Billy who was laying on the floor in pain, Ada who was still on the couch, Krauser who was trying to flee the chasing motorbike, Alyssa who came out of the bedroom with a bored look, the landlord who walked in to see what was going on, and Wesker and Birkin who sat on the floor with their hands to their heads as the drug started to wear off, "Ow...shit where are we?" muttered Wesker as he started rubbing his eyes.

He looked up to see Ada on the couch, "Oh my God Ada are you alright...and why are you dressed like a french maid?" Ada just humped, "Like you care Albert Wesker! Billy abused me and all you did was party! How could you!" Wesker held his hands up in defense, "Ada I didn't mean to honest. Me and Birkin..." Birkin gave a tired moan, "...Took some asprin and it had some pretty strange effects."

In the back the Landlord was chasing the motorcycle as it chased Krauser around back and forth. Ada just gave a teary eye and dove on Wesker giving him a large hug, "Oh Wesker I was so scared!" she started to cry which was very unusual for the young spy, but Wesker just sighed and patted her back, "Its alright your safe now."

An evil chuckle spoiled the moment and they looked over to see Billy slowly rising to his feet, "All well it looks as if the weak and stupid whore has found herself a new man." Something inside Wesker snapped and he slowly got up and balled his fists, "What did you call her punk!" Billy was stumbling around a bit, "A stupid weak whore. Why what are you gonna do about it blonde?"

Birkin just rolled his eyes, "Oh boy he should have never said that." Wesker was never this angry in his life and trudged over to the Marine, giving him a punch to the nose so hard he flew over the entire room and landed literally inside the TV. He fell out with a large yell, and tryed desperatlly to get to his feet.

Wesker stomped over to him, but as he got over to him the marine got to his feet and pulled out a powerful .357 magnum, aiming right at him, "I don't think so freak! Now it seems i'm going to have to murder every single one of you guys!" In the backround they didn't notice a piece of wreckage that was shot up from the motorbike hit the Landlord in his exposed brain causing him to stop in his tracks.

Billy put the barrel of the gun to Wesker's forehead with a laugh and began to pull the trigger. Suddenly they heard a loud moan and Billy looked up above his head to see the landlord who regressed back into it's primative licker stage, crawling right above him with it's tounge hanging out.

Billy gave a loud yell and tryed to aim the magnum at it's head, but the licker just wrapped it's tounge around the marine's neck and pulled him off of his feet. The licker pulled him over to a window and smashed them both through. Wesker ran over and looked out the window to see the licker pull Billy up to the roof, and seconds later a loud scream was heard and Wesker just gave a sigh making a guess of what happened.

He walked back to the small group of people, "Everyone alright?" They all nodded and Ada just finished untieing Krauser from the chair. They all sat with relieved sighs, before Birkin who was in his lab coat heard Alyssa's voice in his hear, "I love a man with a big brain, I wonder what else is 'big' on you." William's eyes lit up with a blush before a large smash was heard and Alyssa's body fell forward onto the floor.

William looked back to see his wife holding a half broken beer bottle with a glare on her face, "Willaim Birkin! You leave the house for hours and here you are partying with these hussies!" she yelled pointing to Alyssa's unconsious body and Ada in her maid uniform. Willaim put up his hands, "No hunny I can explain!" She grabbed him by his ear and dragged him to the door, "You can explain in the car now lets go!" They headed for the door and she looked back to Wesker, "And i'll talk with you at work tommorow" and with that they went out the door.

They heard someone come through the door, and the landlord licker came back in holding his exposed brain, "Ouch...what in the hell happened?" he muttered and sat on a keg placed near the door. The three looked at each other and gave slight chuckles at the landlord's unkowingness.

Alyssa stirred on the floor and slowly got up. She looked over to the three and gave a small smile, "Well I had a wonderfull time guys. Hope you have another party soon and maybe we can have a 'diffrent' kind of party if you know what I mean" she said as she walked to the door and looked up and down at Ada's frilly form with a smirk.

The three just glared and Krauser picked up a small phone laying near him and threw it over hitting the landlord in the head. They all gave contented laughs as Alyssa ran from the apartment screaming as the landlord hissed after her.

It was now late into the night and Wesker, and Ada lay on the couch surrounded by the wreckage that was their apartment. Krauser decided to go to the gym at night since he never got to go in the morning, which left just the two, "Wesker?" Wesker looked over, "I'm sorry that I made you upset. I never knew me doing that would make you want to kill yourself."

Wesker looked ahead not knowing what exactally to say, "Yeah well...I just didn't want to see you hurt, and I knew that bastard would do it...also seeing you in his arms I was kind of...kind of..-" "Jealous?" Ada finished his sentence. Wesker just gave a reluctant nod. He looked over to her, "So...what should we do now, go to bed?" Ada thought for a second, "No...no I have a better idea."

She hopped off the couch and walked into the bedroom. Wesker just sat their for about 3 minutes wondering what she was doing before he heard the thuding of high heels and looked over to see Ada, once again dressed in the french maid uniform and holding a small whip that Alyssa had left behind, "You have been a very naughty boy Albert Wesker" she said in a fake french accent.

He gave a grin, but Ada started to pull at the uniform uncomfortablly, "Hang on a sec Wesker its pretty hot in here. Im just gonna turn the fan on and we can get busy."

She walked over to the button as Wesker gave a bored face, but his eyes suddenly bulged out and he look at the top of the fan to see the water balloons he placed there a few days ago. He got up and yelled over to Ada as she flipped the switch, "NO ADA NO!"

The scene now goes to the outside of the apartment building. All is calm with the full moon and light wind until a wizzing sound is heard along with the sound of water balloons popping. Everything goes calm again until minutes later when the form of Albert Wesker can be seen on the roof grumbling to himself as he carries out a pillow and blanket, laying down and giving a big sigh.

Live and let live.


	9. The Halloween Conspiracy

_Author's Notes: Well this is going to be a short side sort of story just because I felt it right to make a story for Halloween. Just a few quick notes._

_1. The next two chapters may not be very humorous, they will be more of trying to create an intresting story._

_2. The whole story will not be finished until after Halloween._

_3. I can assure you I have some great ideas for chapters after the Halloween story._

House of the Idiots: Chapter 9

The scene sets on the apartment buliding as the sound of the city life down below consisting of cars honking, and the occasional police siren. The scene sets in closer going into the apartment which seems to be darkened yet an illuminous lights shines in the corner of the living room.

There plopped on the couch is Krauser, and Ada. Screams come from the TV along with Krauser's whimpering as what seems to be a scary movie illuminates off the screen. A man in a white mask with wild brown hair, and blue jump suit slowly walks up the stairs towards a young boy with a gun.

Krauser shuts his eyes as the masked man grabs the rifle from the boy, and throws it off the balcony ready to finish the guy off. And he does as he picks him up, crushing his head with his bare hands.

This pretty much draws the line for Krauser as he yelps real loud, and buries his head in Ada's chest. Ada would be pretty much rolling her eyes, pushing him off, and calling him a perv if she wasn't scared herself which stopped her from even noticing.

She was shaking herself as Micheal Myers on the screen had just appeared on the roof, walking towards his two victims.

Eventually they got to the part with the schoolhouse, and Krauser still had his head in Ada chest. Ada started to shake even more as the little girl looked around the corner, and screamed upon seeing Myers. Ada screamed herself, which caused Krauser to scream, so in all three voices were heard screaming throughout the apartment.

Thunder crackled down on the outside streets as Albert Wesker trudged unhappily through them. He grumbled to himself as the rain started to pick up heavier, and all he wanted to do was go home from work, watch his T.V., and have Ada make him a nice welcome home dinner.

Yeah right who the hell was he kidding first off no one would even give a shit that he had to pull a double shift at work, just because his asshole replacement accidentally got himself mutated into a Hunter, and second off he really didn't want to eat Ada's cooking anyway.

He walked through a crosswalk only to be splashed from a puddle by a passing car. Wesker sighed at his luck, and decided to pull out his "blue" poncho. He felt his hair, and gave a low growl to find it flying out in all directions.

He walked into the building only to be harrased on the spot by the landlord, "Oh Wesker since your going up you think you can bring this cup of flour to Miss. Omilly? She asked me for it earlier, but i've been to busy to take it up."

Wesker just sighed, and swipped the cup of flour from the creature, and began to trudge up the stairs. He arrived on the second floor, and knocked on a lone door at the end of the hall. A pudgy little old Asian lady opened the door, and squinted her eyes trying to make out who it was, "Frank is that you? Did WW2 finally get over?" Wesker rolled his eyes, "No you old bat I have your God damn flour!" "Flowers oh i'm sorry young man, but i'm taken. My husband has gone off to WW2, and he'll be coming home any day now" "Yeah sure whatever just take the friggin cup."

She took the cup, but stopped suddenly. Wesker wondered if she died standing up, but it soon became clear why she wasn't moving when she let out a big sneeze that shot the white flour all over Wesker's now puckered face.

The old lady smiled, "Thank you for the flour mister Pillsberry Dough Boy now I can make you your cookies" she said as she walked away leaving the door open. Wesker sighed, and began to walk away until his eyes lit up, and he turned around, rushing into the apartment.

The old lady walked into the kitchen, unaware of Wesker's presence as he quickly ran over to a drawer, and pulled it open, taking some scarce money, a checkbook, and some credit cards. Chuckling to himself he walked out the door, but not before grabbing a rolled up newspaper to read when he got into the apartment.

"Krauser...Krauser where are you?!" Ada yelled as she looked around the apartment for the veteran. A whimpering sound was heard from the bathroom, and Ada slowly opened it up to reveal Krauser sitting in the shower shivering violently.

It was so pathetic that Ada had to feel sorry for him. "All Krauser it was just a movie, Micheal Myers doesn't really exi-" She was cut off by the sound of the door opening, and heavy footsteps slowly strolling across the floor.

Ada was more confused then scared, that is until the lights suddenly shut off, causing shadows of the outside storm to trickle down the glass, in turn scaring the total shit out of Ada.

Krauser's wimpering became louder, and Ada herself started to groan slightly as the figure walked to the closed bathroom door. It slowly opened up as a loud bolt of lighting flashed illuminating the form of a man with a white face, wild hair, and blue suit, who was holding something sharp looking in his hand.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Wesker didn't know what to make of the screaming as they stared in fear at him. That was until his instincts told him to get the hell out of there as Krauser literally ripped the toliet from the floor, pipes and all.

Wesker only had enough time to turn around before the large, heavy object smacked him on the back of the head. "KILL IT KILL IT!!" freaked Krauser as he started to use his boot to hit Wesker over the head. Ada pulled the metal bar off of the shower curtain, and as Wesker got to his knees to reveal it was him, Ada smacked him across the face.

Everything was black in Wesker world as he softly heard his name being called. His eyeslids gently fluttered open to reveal the concerned faces of Krauser and Ada. They both put on warm smiles, but stopped short as Wesker grabbed each of them by there collars, and headbutted their heads together, "You God damn sons of bitches what in the hells the big idea in hitting me with the crapper!!!"

Now that all three of their heads were hurting, and the power was back on they all layed back to watch some TV. About fifthteen minutes later a commercial came on that sparked Krauser's intrest. It showed a boring old halloween costume store, and a little boy, and a little girl with bored looks on their faces were dullingly sifting through the isles of costumes.

Then out of know where a big puff of smoke appeared, startling the kids as a large skeleton grim reaper appeared, "WHO THE FUCK SHOPS AT A STORE LIKE THIS!!" he screamed and pulled out a big knife. He cut the girl's head off and gabbed the boy in the chest before looking back at the screen, "KIDS IF YOU THINK COSTUMES LIKE THIS ARE COOL" he yelled holding up costumes of a princess and darth vader, "THEN YOUR A FAG!!! COME ON DOWN TO THE HELLSTORM HALLOWEEN IMPORIUM LOCATED AT **_Automated Vocie: Berlin Crosskeys off of I 95_ **TO GET ALL OF YOUR COSTUME NEEDS. SO KIDS IF YOU DON'T WANT YOUR FRIENDS CALLING YOU A PUSSY, COME ON DOWN TO HELLSTORM HALLOWEEN IMPORIUM!!!"

Wesker rolled his eyes at the ridiculosly stupid commerical until he felt the couch start to shake. Peering over he realized it was Krauser who was jumping up, and down like a child, "I wanna go to the Halloween Imporium I wanna go to the Halloween Imporium!!!"

Wesker growled irritated, and kicked Krauser in the ass causing him to fall face first on the floor. Krauser got up, and looked pleadingly at Wesker, "Aww come on Wesker can I get a costume pweeeeeaz!" Wesker humphed, "The hell you are! First off you are WAAAAAY too old to be trick-or-treating, second i'm not driving, and third i'm not paying!"

Krauser smiled a bit, "Not a problem with paying! See i've been saving all my paychecks for the past year and a half, and I keep them all in my safe!" he yelled overjoyed, and ran into the bedroom, coming back with a small safe.

He placed it on the floor with a clank, and bent down to put in the combination, "Two..." and with that the safe creaked open revealing nothing, "Oh yeah thats right the paternity suit..." Krauser's eyes suddenly became watery, and he let out loud sobs before finally breaking down into tears, "IM NEVER GONNA GET A COSTUME WAAAAAAAH!"

Wesker just rolled his eyes, looking back at the TV before getting smacked in the back of the head by Ada, "Shame on you Wesker, turning your back on a friend! You get your butt off that couch, and bring him to get a costume! I'll give you the money" she complained walking over to her purse, and pulling out a few bills "Now take this money, and head right to that halloween store!"

Wesker an angry growl, and snatched the money from Ada's hand "Fine!!! For Christ's sake no one gives two shits that I had to work a double shift, and now I have to drive sargent jackass over to a friggin costume shop!" "Damn straight now march!" Ada yelled, pointing to the door.

Wesker mumbled to himself as he trudged out the door followed by a skipping Krauser.

A black sedan sped violently down the road, carrying a pissed Wesker and a scared Krauser, "We-Wesker do you need to drive so fa-" "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Wesker fast, and bitter causing Krauser to edge to the side, and keep completly quiet.

Krauser started to get anxious as he could see the imporium coming up. He started to shake as they came to it, but put on a look of confusion as they quickly passed it. Looking back, Krauser couldn't quite get what happened, "Um...Wesker we just passed the imporium" "I know, we're not going to the imporium..." "WHAT!!! But Ada said you had to take me and-" "I don't give to shits what that bitch in a red dress says!!" Krauser growled uncomfortabley, "Well where in the hell are we going?!" "Well 'I' am going to the racetracks to make some real money off of what Ada gave me."

Krauser looked angry, and confused, "What do you mean only you?!" Wesker came to a conclusion, "Oh yeah thats right I almost forgot" he said dully and opened up Krauser's door, shoving him out it even though the car was still going 60 down a busy road.

"Happy Trails" Wesker voiced faded into the distance as Krauser tumbled into a trashcan on the side of the street. People waiting for the light on the crosswalk stared, concerened but didn't really do much as Krauser grumbled, and then stood up. Glaring at the car, and hearing Wesker's faint laughter, Krauser sighed then reached into his pocket, pulling out a small leather object, "Oh well, I got his wallet."

Ada felt bad that she yelled at Wesker, so she thought it would cheer him up if she would cook him a nice fish dinner. The thing of it was that even though she was following of a cooking show on TV, that it still wasn't going so good. "Ok now were gonna stuff that fish with your homemade stu-" suddenly the cooking show came to an abrubt halt as the whole room became dark. Ada let out a long sigh as she walked to the door, "What the hell is with this power?!" she whined as she walked out the door to go to the front lobby.

The street lights had just turned on, as an overexcited Krauser walked in front of the large costume imporium. He arrived at the door, and took a deep breath before walking in. As he adjusted to the light, a sort of angelic tune started to play as Krauser drooled at all of the costumes on display. From gotich lolita to 19th century vampires this store had it all.

A bell sounded sharply, and the loud sounds of rumbling echoed as Wesker stood over the railing of the racetrack. Unlike all of the other screaming, and cheering spectators, Wesker stood silently as he held his ticket. He took a quick glance at it, "#16". He looked back out onto the track. He gave a slight smirk, number 16 was WAY out in the lead, and the horses were coming into the final gap.

His grin gained momentum as the finish line was in sight, "yes...Yes...YES" BOOM!!! The horse suddenly disappered in a huge explosion as chunks of the horse, and rider rained down on the crowd. "Ohhhhh, and it looks like number 16 has stepped on a land mine...so that makes number 4 the winner!!"

All the spectators boredly walked away, grumbling to themselves as the race was over. But one man remaine, whos mouth was hanging open so wide over the railing it was almost touching the ground. Wesker seriously had the WORST luck.

Ada had guided herself down the stairs to the first floor. As she walked into the lobby, she was suprised to see all of the residents lounging around, as a single candle stood in the center. She the landlord standing near the front desk, and trotted over to him, "Hey whats going on?" The deformed licker just shrugged, "I have no idea. All of the surrounding buildings are fine, including the powerlines leading to the building. So that would mean that whatever the problem is, its coming from the insi-" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!" Suddenly the candle went out, and a loud girly scream erupted through the lobby.

There was a bunch of shuffling in the dark, and then a quick spark, starting another flame. The landlord relit the candle, and let out a sigh, "Is everyone alright?" Everyone gave nods, and grunts of approvel till, "Susan? SUSAN?!!! Oh my God shes gone!!" screamed a man sitting on the couch, staring to his right where hid wife once sat. The landlord, and Ada glanced at each other. It was gonna be a long night.

Krauser had gone through the entire imporium, and was finally walking to the register with his costume. When he got up to it, there was not a soul in sight. Looking down he noticed a small bell, and rang it three times. He looked left, and right while waiting for about a minute before ringing it again. Arriving at the same answer of nothing he gave a small grunt, and walked behind the counter.

He noticed a small door partially creaked opened, and peered inside. He noticed a bunch of people in suits sitting around a table, and easdropped on the conversation, "Ok so tommorow on Halloween night the transaction will be made. You supply us with the B.O.W. DNA, and we give you the 30 million. With this Umbrella is as good as done" an old man sitting at the table finished as he gave a small laugh.

Krauser looked at the men he was talking to, and noticed that they were all from his work. And the worst part of all is that they were plotting against Umbrella. He would need to warn Ada, and Wesker...then again he did want to go trick-or-treating. Opening the door just a tad more, everyone turned to look at him as he poked his head through, "Um any of you guys mind ringing this up?" he asked as he held up his costume. This dumb request was met with about 10 lasers aimed at his head.

Back at the racetrack Wesker was pretty busy himself. After eluding a few guards he was now where they kept the horses. "Lets see...which one is mine?" He looked at his ticket for the next race, "# 6". Looking over to the horses he noticed number 6's pen in the corner. Grinning to himself he took out a long syringe with a blue liquid inside, and poked the horse on his butt.

The view goes to the outside of the stable, and about a few seconds later a loud "neighing" sound is heard followed by, a thump, a yell, and a crash as Wesker flew through the wall, and landed in a bale of hay a few yards from the stable. Rising up from the bale, his hair had individual twigs in it, and not to mention the horseshoe mark on his forehead, "Little bastards kick hard."

He suddenly heard voices coming from a few feet away, and ducked behind the bale as a group of men walked by talking to each other, "Ok so we got word that tommorow at the graveyard, Two renegade scientists from the Umbrella Corporation will be involved in a transaction with the "Paracel Corporation". The package is viels upon viels of B.O.W. technology. The boss wants us to interrupt the transaction, and take the viels for ourselves."

Wesker's eyes lit up in hearing this information, and quickly jumped out of the bale of hay, heading back to his car to warn the others.

_Authors Notes: Will Krauser escape from the costume imporium, will Wesker be able to stop "Paracel Corporation's" evil plans. Will Ada, and the landlord find out whats going on in the apartment building. And above all else will Krauser ever be able to Trick-or-Treat._


	10. The Halloween Conspiracy part 2

_Author's Notes: I would like to thank everyone who has read, and reviewed my story, and would like to personally thank all of those who have put my story on their favorite lists, and story alert lists, expecially Tyrant Hamster whos advanced writing skills have helped me a great deal._

_To Night-Roses, i'm still reading Resident Evil: AUCOS, and promise to review soon._

_And to Tyrant Bitch...update your stories damnit!!! Now on to the Halloween Conspiricy part 2._

House of the Idiots Chapter 10

"ZZZ" "Wake up" "ZZZ" "Wake up" "ZZZ" _SMACK_"...ZZZ" The suited man who just smacked Krauser's unconsious form looked over to the two Umbrella scientists, "What the hell is wrong with him?" The scientists rubbed the back of their heads awkwardly, "He's um...special."

The suited man just groaned in annoyance, and walked over to a water cooler located at the end of the small room they were in, and took the entire jug off the top. He trudged over to him, and poured the entire jug of water into Krauser's face.

Krauser's head twisted left, and right, choking on the gallons of H20. He took a quick gasp as consciousness hit him like a ton of bricks, "No mama no!!" he yelled and then surveyed his surroundings, "...um...hi guys"

"Oh no it can't be!!" screamed the landlord as he pulled on the door. Ada who had been searching for clues on the whereabouts of the girl heard the landlord, and ran over to see what the problem was, "Whats wrong?" The licker looked over, worried, "The door is stuck, someone...or something has trapped us in here!" Ada gulped, this Halloween eve was starting to get creepy.

The landlord licker tried again, pulling relentlessly , but to no avail, "What the hell is wrong with this thing!!" The landlord screamed.

"What the hell is wrong with this thing?" Wesker whined as he pulled on the apartment door from the other end (If you didn't get it by now the doors not locked, the idiots are just pulling from diffrent ends at the same time).

Wesker sighed, it looked like he was on his own...then again there was Birkin. But would he really want to endanger his best friend? Was he really that cold hearted that he would risk the life of a man with a wife, and kid. Could he really live with himself if something happend?!!

Knock Knock Knock Birkin slowly opened the door to see a very cheery looking Wesker, "Birkin buddy old pal!" Birkin's eyes widened, and he quickly slammed the door in Wesker's face. Wesker just stared blankly at the door, and then sighed, looks like he would have to do it the hard way.

Birkin started back towards the basement when suddenly a loud bang caused him to turn around in time to see the front door fly off the hinges. Birkin whimpered and fell on his butt as a semi pissed off Wesker walked in, "Birkin I-" "OOOOOOH no! No no no! I am not going to get involved in another one of your crazy problems! Ive already had my house destroyed, dressed as a nurse, and almost had my ass shot off twice just to keep your sorry butt out of jail!! There is nothing you can say that would get me to help you out on whatever it is tha-" "Umbrella is in dire jepordy" "...Well what in the hell are you waiting for tell me the details!!!"

The landlord paced back, and forth in the dimmed lit room. Ada knew this wasn't going to help so she quickly put a stop to it, "Get a hold of yourself man! We need to stop worring about ourselves, and get back to looking for the lost girl!" The landlord sighed, "Your right...your right...damnit your right!!! We are going to find out whats going on, and get that girl back or my name isn't-"

Back in Krauser's world things were looking their worst, "NO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! STOP!!! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING STOP!!!" One of the suited men looked at another one who was holding two cards, "Show him again Harvey" The man with the cards nodded, and held one up to Krauser, "This is Micheal Jackson before his surgeries" then he held up the other, "And this is him afterwards" Krauser let out a loud scream, "ITS NOT POSSIBLE, ITS JUST NOT POSSIBLE!!!"

The leader of the group slammed his fist on a desk, "If you don't want anymore torture, then tell us how Umbrella found out about are plans!!! Who tipped them off!" Krauser started to whimper, "I just wanna go trick-or-treating!!!" The leader looked over to Harvey, "Again" Krauser just let out a cry.

Wesker had informed Birkin on what he overheard at the racetracks, and Birkin looked less then thrilled, "Damnit! That Paracel Corporation has been up are ass for years! But what organization were the people you easedropped on from?" Wesker sighed, "They didn't say, but they must be pretty big to be in on this one." Birkin folded his arms, and leaned back on a chair that he was sitting on, "Ok so whats the plan? Do we warn Umbrella or what?"

"Well...Umbrella blocked all residental calls after Krauser kept calling up, and pretending he was a news reporter saying that he discovered the truth behind Umbrella, and theres not enough time to drive all the way there, and get an attack team together so...sigh I guess we're on are own."

Click A bright light flashed it's way down a dark hall as Ada, and the landlord turned on their flashlights. Ada looked over to the landlord, "So what exactly do you suppose we do first.?" "Well we should first find out why the power shut off, and then we need to look for the girl." Ada thought it was a plan, and they both headed through the door that led to the basement's power system.

Upon reaching the bottom of the steps, they headed over to the breaker box. After about two minutes of fiddling with it the landlord turned back to Ada, "Thats funny, it all checks out. How could the power problem not be from the outside supply, and the inside supply?" Ada thought, "Hmn...perhaps that the problem is coming from a thrid soucre." The landlord pondered this as well, "Like what?"

There a small moment of silence in which that time they heard the sounds of creaking back, and forth coming from the ceiling. The landlord stood confused, and shined his flashlight up revealing...A BLOODY FACE!!! The landlord coudn't even let out a scream as he was so choked up, and he fell unconsious onto the floor.

Ada was a little scared herself at the sight of the bloody face, but mustered up her courage to shine her own flashlight up at it. When she realized who it was she was relieved, yet felt pity as the hanging body of Billy Cohen rocked back, and forth on a chain dangling from the ceiling.

The hard part of it all was that how was she going to explain to the landlord that the body wasn't from a ghost, but was caused by himself, and that he was a hideous creature upon recongnition. She felt it was time, and knelt down to the landlord, and nudged him back, and forth. He quickly shot up, and looked left to right "Oh God oh God the place is haunted!! Ada sighed, "It wasn't a ghost...it was...it was..."

Krauser was left twitching repeatidly in the chair he was tied to as the suited men from "Paracel Corporation" talked with the Umbrella scientists, "So how do you think they found out about the betrayel?" The scientists just shrugged their shoulders. One of the suited men thought of something, "Maybe...just maybe he was telling the truth when he said he just came here to by a costume for Halloween."

The leader just laughed it off, "Are you stupid? Do you really expect someone would be that chidish, that stupid, that idiotic to go trick-or-treating at that age, hehehe" The two Umbrella scientists who knew Krauser better just glanced at each other worridly, uh-oh.

The landlord sat on the floor as he glance downward in deep thought, "Wow...I just can't believe it...this whole time its been right under my nose, and I just couldn't see it." Ada patted his back, "It'll be ok" "Its just...I can't get one thing" Ada looked concerened, "What is it?" "Why would an alien come to my apartment building, and kill a man that doesn't even live here?" Ada just chuckled at her lame excuse, "Well I guess thats just one of the mysteries of life."

The landlord sighed, "I guess your right, come on we should go back to the lobby with the others." Ada nodded and followed.

Wesker layed sprawled out on the couch at Birkin's house thinking about the events that were to take place tommorow. He wondered how Ada was holding out, and if by the end of tommorow he would ever be able to see her again. He even started to feel bad for ruining Krauser's wish of trick-or-treating, and wished he could apologize. Turning to his side, and sighing he realized that he shouldn't think about things like that at a time like this, and just closed his eyes to try to sleep.

Yet just as he closed his eyes the sound of something in the distance caught his attention, _Dong Dong Dong _Wesker glanced at the clock in the foyer from his place on the couch, twelve o' clock. Wesker stared intently at the clock as it slowly ticked down, _Dong_ _Dong_ _Dong_

At the same time Ada was laying on a chair in the main lobby, staring worridly at the grandfather clock in the corner, Dong Dong Dong.

Even Krauser, and the suited men that were interrogating him had to glance over to a small clock on the wall, _Dong_ _Dong_ Doooooooooooooooong...Today...was Halloween.

_Author's Notes: I was going to stop it here, for suspence purposes, but I don't really want to make four chapters of the same plot so just pretend that its two diffrent chapters._

_Part 2._

It was in the early morning hours of Haloween, and a strong wind around the apartment complex hit against the windows with a rickety sound. Ada tossed, and turned to try to drown out the annoying noise in her unconcious state, but that seemed to be impossible as a second later the window smashed in a shower of sharp pieces of glass.

This pretty much woke up the entire group of people who were in the lobby, including the landlord, "Jesus Christ!" he screamed as he stared at the broken window while the draps blew rapidly from the outside wind. A dim light was starting to shine outside so the landlord, and Ada thought this would be the best chance they had to search for the girl.

Wesker was up about this time to, and was lounging on the couch enjoying a bowl of cereal while watching the news, "-So in all thirty people lost their lifes..." Wesker just chuckled like an uncaring asshole, "This is my comedy central." "Wesker?!" Wesker was cut off by Annete's yells from upstairs, "-can you help me lift some boxes to the closet?!" Wesker just groaned, "Don't you think William is more then capable of moving them?!" "..." Wesker realized how stupid that sounded, "Fiiiine i'm coming!" He set his bowl on the coffee table, and jogged up the stairs, sadly in time to miss an important bulletin.

"We interrupt this report to go to an impotant weather bulletin!" The screen went to a reporter standing in the middle of the city, "This is an urgent warning to all people, trick-or-treating that there will be a very dangerous storm approaching within the city limits! Winds will be as high as 50 mph with stinging rains that can possibly be up to a three feet high! So this is a serious warning that trick-or-treating will be called off tonight!" the reporter screamed over the increasingly high winds.

The screen sets back to the anchorman and woman sitting in the main news station, "Thank you Clarissa for your important report on-" _HONK HONK_ In the box in the corner Clarissa is seen being struck, and taken away by a passing car. Back in the newsroom the two anchorpeople just stared wideeyed. Then the male cleared his throat, and straightened his cards, "Anyway um thanks for the report. In other news Videl Castro has melted the polar icecapes so it looks like its gonna be a wet Thanksgiving for the city, Tina?" "Hehe thanks Jack so as of Saturda-"

At this time the sceen cuts back to Wesker as he falls down the stairs, while a lamp is thrown at him. Slowly rising he glared back at the top of the steps as Annette screamed down, "I told you not to open them!" "Well how the hell was I supposed to know your underwear was in it!"

The sound of the front door opening caught Wesker's attention, and Birkin walked in sort of forcibly, "Jeez what the hells with this wind!" he yelled as he slammed the door shut. Wesker stood up, and casually walked over to the disgruntul scientist, "Well did you get them?" Birkin grinned, and pulled out a metal suitcase, "Right here."

Opening it up to Weskers delight, two high powered glocks (a type of hangun) were staring back at him. Birkin laughed a cocky laugh, and picked one up showing it off to Wesker, "With these two of a kind custom high powered velocity glocks we can fire upon the Paracel Corporation's operatives with powerful solid stings of Hydrogen Dioxide at a firing rate of 1.2 secs per hit! We can't lose!"

Wesker raised an eyebrow, "Hydrogen Dioxide? Birkin isn't that-" "Daaad!" Sherry chimed in as she ran down the stairs, "Did you spraypaint my squirt guns?!" Birkin stared with a bit of hostility at his daughter, and then looked back at Wesker who had a look of dull anger, "Hehe...they wouldn't let me into the Umbrella weapon lockup..." Wesker groaned angerly, "Ok so guns are out...well how do we stop these guys?"

Birkin thought, and then noticed Sherry's jack-o-lantern that she made in school, "Hmn...what if we use this whole Harvest day ritual to are advantage." Wesker thought on it, "So what? We dress up as ghosts or something...that...thats just stupid Birkin!"

Ada, and the landlord walked through a dim hallway in the apartment building. By now they realized that the front door wasn't lock, and the others didn't pass up the opportunity to get the HELL OUTTA THERE!! So now they were on there own, and even though Ada already explained that there were no ghosts that didn't stop the landlord from having a case of the Halloween goosebumps.

As they were walking up some stairs his chattering teeth ended up biting into his oversized tounge, and he let out a great unhuman screech that caused Ada to scream as well. Ada lost her balance, and ended up landing smack dab into the landlord licker who then in turn fell himself.

Ada felt groggy as she let out a small moan from the fall. Then she seemed to taste something weird. It wasn't blood, but she could taste a hint detection of it. Then when she opened her eyes fully what she saw made her sicker then when they went to McDonalds.

There right in her face was the landlord licker's exposed brain! Ada's cheeks puffed out, and she quickly pushed the dazzed landlord off of her as she ran for the bathroom at the corner of the hall.

"I feel stupid Birkin..." Wesker sighed as he walked out into the living room. "We look fine" Birkin replied as he followed too. There on both Wesker, and Birkin were two bedsheets, rounded at the top to make it look like ghosts (think of a little novelty ghost). Though through it all Wesker refused to take off his sunglasses so he placed them over the sheet, and by it looked like he was a sack of potatoes sunbathing at the beach, "This isn't going to work, and look the damn sheets even too short!" Wesker complained as he looked down at his, and Birkin's exposed legs revealing there pants, and shoes.

Birkin thought of something, "I got an idea, we'll test it on somebody." Wesker thought, "Like who?" You could see through the little holes in the sheet that he had a sly look in his eye, "I know, just follow me."

Annette slept soundly in her king sized bed. She had been accustomed to taking afternoon naps they made her feel refreshed for when she went to work at night. Suddenly a slam caught her attention, and woke up with a fright. Looking over to the edge of the room she noticed that someone had slammed the door shut. While she was busy looking at the door an unknown source threw open the window, and Annette gasp at the sudden burst of autumn wind from outside. She pulled the covers up to her nose, "Wh-whos th-there" she asked weakly.

This request was met with a loud "oooing" sound, and she gave a squeak, starting to shiver. The two forms slowly rose up from the end of the bed, and William stepped ahead of Wesker, "Ooo Annette Birkin. You have awakened the spirits of the dead, and envoked their enternal rath. What do you have to say for yourseeeelf" Birkin said as he tried to make it look like he was pointing at her.

Annette stared at the two ghosts in front of her, "...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Birkin seemed suprised, but Wesker just sighed as he headed for the door. Birkin sighed too, and headed after Wesker, "Your an idiot Birkin." Birkin just groaned, "Well...maybe when there busy laughing there asses off we can steal the B.O.W. info." Wesker just groaned, "Shut up Birkin." As they headed out Annette was still in the bed, clutching her sides as she rocked back, and forth, "He even had his sunglasses on, priceless HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

The landlord sat on the marble sink of the small bathroom looking pretty sorry for what was in one of the many stalls, "BLAAAAA!!!!" The landlord sighed, "Real sorry about making you sick Ada. Is my head really that disgusting?" "...BLAAAAA!!!!" "Alright alright I get the poi-...wait whats that sound?" Ada just 'ughed through the door, "That woud probably be my stomach churning." "No no no, it sounds like muffled whines from somewhere else."

Ada didnt' hear anything, but she didn't have enhanced hearing like the licker did so she decided to trust him, "Alright Ada lets go-" "BLAAAAA!!!!" "...in a few minutes."

Birkin, and Wesker stood around a table with only a dim light rocking back, and forth. Wesker sighed, "Alright, I think we have everything together." Looking at the clock it read 6:00P.M. "Ok we head out in 2 hours...LETS DO IT!!" He screamed as they both ran off.

Suddenly a Rocky type montage begins to the tune of "Team America World Police Montage"(copyright: Trey Parker, and Matt Stone).

_"The hours approaching to give it your best,_

_and you've got to reach your prime!" _

The scene shows Wesker and Birkin running through a Wal-Mart grabbing various supplies for that night. As they ran by a row Wesker rammed into a man on purpose, and knocked him over. They both laughed, and Birkin spotted his own victim, an elderly lady with a cane. Birkin charged head first into her, but with his strength it was like hitting into a brick wall, knocking his ownself down. He didn't even budge the woman who walked on, and Wesker just groaned.

_"That's when you need to put yourself to the test, _

_and show us a passage of time_

_We're gonna need a montage! MONTAGE!_

_Ooh, it takes a montage! MONTAGE!"_

The scene now shows Ada still vomiting in the toliet as the landlord tries to pry open the vent where he heard the sound from, but with his claws it wasn't going easy.

_"Show a lot of things happening at once,_

_remind everyone of whats going on!"_

The scene shows Birkin searching the internet for sound clips, as Wesker was cutting out a large piece from a sheet of cardboard.

_"And with every shot show a little improvement,_

_to show it all would take to long!"_

The scene now shows the landlord whining to a better feeling Ada that he can't get the bars off the vent shaft. Ada rubbed her chin in thought, and then got an idea. Because of the music you can't her what Ada says, but you can see her pointing over to the right, and muttering something. As the landlord looked over Ada wacked the licker on the back, and out shot his tounge that grabbed the shaft, and pulled it straight off the hinges.

The landlord's eyes widened as he stared at the bars that were being wrapped by his tounge. Ada just chuckled, and walked over to the vent to go inside.

_"Thats called a montage! MONTAGE!_

_Ooh we want a montage! MONGAGE!"_

The scene sets on Birkin, and Wesker. Birkin is sticking some wires into the backs of cardboard cutouts, as Wesker starts to paint them. Then the scene sets on Ada, and the Landlord as they crawl through the vent, the landlord licker was crawling on the top of it.

_"In anything you want to go"_

The scene shows Birkin adjusting knobs on a remote control.

_"From just a beginner to a pro"_

The scene shows the leader of the suited men banging Krauser's bloody head repeatidly over a table.

_"We need a montage! MONTAGE!_

_Even Rocky had a montage! MONTAGE!"_

The scene shows Birkin, and Wesker admiring their handy work, "Perfect". Then the scene shows Ada, and the landlord busting through the other end of the vent shaft, "We're in" Ada smirked.

_"MONTAGE!!!"_

_Author's Notes: I already have the conclusion of the Halloween Conspiricy done so it will be up in a day or two. Hoped you liked it._


	11. The Halloween Conspiracy part 3

_Author's Notes: I really need to submit this chapter now. I'm a holiday behind! Thanksgivings tommorow, and I want to make a chapter for it at least 2 or 3 days after. Once Halloween, and Thanksgiving is out of the way that leaves one more holiday...CHRISTMAS!!! So please read this chapter, and leave a review to show that i'm still wanted!_

House of the Idiots Chapter 11

The scene consists of William, and Wesker driving down the vacant city roads. Only a slight drizzle had escalated, "Where the hell is everybody, trick-or-treating started an hour ago." As they drove along to the graveyard they failed to see the fierce storm approaching behind them.

They arrived at the graveyard at exactly 8:00PM, and pulled up right at the top of the small hill of graves. The rain, and wind had picked up, but not enough to really make them worry. Wesker put the car in park, and popped the trunk, "Ok Birkin lets get all are stuff in postion for those damn bastards." Birkin nodded his head in agreement, and they both got out of the car, sadly in time to miss the announcment on the radio.

"We interupt this broadcast to bring you an update to an important bulletin..." Then the anchorman's voice from the news earlier came on, "The storm has taken a turn for the worse. Expect heavy flooding within the city limits that will worsen overnight. We advise everyone to fine high ground, and most importantly stay in doors!"

As the landlord, and Ada exited from the vent they were met with...pretty much the same bathroom. Ada couldn't believe it, "Aww what the hell! How did we end up back to this place!" The landlord looked around then came to the conclusion, "its not the same..." Ada looked over, "What?" The landlord looked at her, "Its not the same bathroom. The vents must be connected to all of the bathrooms in the building that means, _GASP_ Hello! Is anyone in here!"

The sound of muffled moans, and crys came in response, and the landlord, ran over to a stall, and threw it open. There inside the stall was a tied, and gagged Susan!

Back at the graveyard the wind, and rain had increased to a dangerous speed as a bunch of limos drove up the small hill to the top of the graveyard. Then from the other side a small mercedes benz made its way up too, carrying the two Umbrella renegade scientists.

About ten men appeared out of the limos holding a bunch of umbrellas in a futile attempt to stop the barrage of stinging rain. The leader of them was carrying a large metal briefcase, and on the other end the two scientists walked out with a suitcase of their own.

They neared each other, and were about to exchange briefcases when, "Stop right there!!" All of the men turned to look at the source of the noise when out popped Wesker, and Birkin from behind a large tomb. The leader of the men growled angerly, "Who the hell are you?!" The answer became apparent when the two renegade scientists groaned, "William, and Albert." The leader looked over, "You know these men?" "Their scientists of the Umbrella Corporation, top noch ones too."

The leader looked back up at the men, "So it is true that Umbrella did find out about are plans. Which makes me to wonder why they only send two pitful scientists to stop us." Up on the hill Birkin just grinned, "Oh don't you worry, we are not alone." and with that statement pushed a button behind his back.

Suddenly a flash of bright light shined onto the group of men, and as they glanced through it they were shocked to see a large group of Umbrella soldiers, holding various weapons from machine guns to rocket launchers. The entire group in total surrounded the entire graveyard.

As the group of suited men stared amazingly at the Umbrella onslaught, Birkin took the time to push another button. With the press a bunch of sound insued off of the group of soliders, "Kill them! Hunt them down! Destroy them all!"

The suited men, and the renegade scientists backed up against the series of limos, "Wha-what are we going to do sir?!" one of the suite men asked the leader. The leader just grunted, "I don't know!" It seemed like the end for them all until one of the renegade scientists noticed something, "Hang on a sec...don't these soldiers look a little odd?"

The suited men looked at him funny, then at the soldiers. The scene now shows the faces of the soldiers, and all of them had the same black sunglasses on. Birkin who noticed this for the first time turned to his side, "Wesker!" Wesker looked over defensevly, "What?! I thought they could use a little style."

The renegade scientist walked over to one of the soldiers, and ripped the glasses off, looking at them. Then he kicked the soldier that felt flat down, "Cardboard...very clever guys, but i'm afraid it didn't work."

Wesker thought, "Hmn...ok then plan 2 should be good." Thats when Birkin pulled out an RPG, and aimed it at the limos, "God I love Wal-mart" grinned Birkin as looked through the scope.

Everyone was too stunned to move, but the scientists, "Hehehe I think I have a reason that will stop you from firing that rocket." He walked over to one of the limos, and opened the door, and out fell a beaten and tied up Krauser. He groaned as he looked up, and upon seeing Wesker, and Birkin started to try to talk through the gag.

Birkin just looked, "sooo...whats the reason?" Wekser spoke up, "Ooo fire directly at Krauser's head it'll make a cool explosion." Krauser muffled, "WHAT!" and the scientists just tryed to figure out if he was serious or not.

Ada, and the landlord stood around a now free Susan, "Susan what happened to you?" Susan pulled herself together, and stared at the two, "Well I left the lobby, accidently putting out the candle as I walked by, and headed to the bathroom. But when I went in I caught two guys with laptops hacking into the apartment's wires." The landlord nodded, "And thats why they tied you in the stall" the landlord stated confidently. Ada just slapped her head, "No, ya think genius. And thats probably whats causing are power problem!" Ada looked over to the girl hopefully, "Do you know where they are now?" "Well...I did hear them say something about setting up a satellite." "To the roof!" yelled the landlord as he darted for the door.

Birkin lined up the shot for the RPG, "Ok Wesker ready when you are." "Ok fi-!" The explosion of a tree stopped the command, and everybody looked over to see a bunch of men come out of the surrounding forest, "Well well well hope we aren't too late to the party." Wesker could make out the main man's face, and realized it was the guy from the racetrack.

The suited men aimed their guns at the new group, and the leader glared angerly, "Who are you?" The new man just chuckled, "We are from "The Rain Stopper Corporation". (Get it, Umbrellas stop rain...ok so I couldn't think of anything else. Lets see you do better!)

"That pharmacutical corporation has been ranked third for years!" yelled Birkin from his position on the hill. The man just chuckled, "And after tonight its going to be the number one in the world." With that he snapped his fingers.

By now the rain was in a mad downpour, but you could still feel the vibrations of something approaching in the distance. As it came even closer the ground started to shake everytime the unknown source took another step. The suited men began to groan, and aimed there TMPs at the large form seen through the fog. When it finally came into view it was a large robotic menace with the body of a tank, two large metallic legs, and two gathling guns hanging at the sides.

Off on a side note back at the stable in the racetrack, Wesker's horse was starting to feel the effects of Wesker's shot. The black horse started to freak out, and neigh left and right, breaking off from it's harness. Its eyes became a glowing red, and it looked VERY pissed.

Not liking it's pen the horse had no problem busting through the gate, and stamping down the long hallway towards the exit. That was until the security guard of the track saw it leaving, "Wooh there fella. Where do you think your going?" The horse didn't waste no time chomping down on the man's skull, throwing him up in the air, and ripping the man's head clear off his shoulders. The body landed right on the horse's back, and it didn't even care as it speed off through the exit...heading to the man who made him like this.

Back at the graveyard the leader of the newly arrived group let out a laugh as he stood next to his creation, "Allow me to introduce this beautiful piece of machinary. Its a Terminator type 3.0 Chromehound (yes if you want to picture it, think of a chromehound). It has standard .357 round gathling guns on the sides, two missle comparments on the case, and above all else a strawberry shurbert dispenser on the leg" he said as he got some shurbert, and started to eat it. "Now! Lets see what this baby can do!"

The machine bent downards, and aimed it's gathling guns at the group of men around the limo who looked on in fear. The man laughed as his machine prepared to fire, but stopped when the machine started to talk in a mechanical voice, "Warning, high threat of function sighted. Commencing destruction of source" it stated as it moved it body up to the top of the hill, and aimed it's guns at Wesker, and Birkin.

Birkin looked at it odd, "What?" Thats when Wesker screamed into his ear, "Birkin the RPG! Get rid of the RPG!!!" The machine fired a missle, and Birkin screamed as he, and Wesker dove out of the way as the missle blew up a tombstone.

Although Birkin dropped the RPG in the dive the machine still considered him a threat, and began firing it's gathling guns at the fleeing pair, "Shit shit shit shit shit!" Wesker yelled as he ran alongside Birkin. There wasn't much they could do so they just dove behind a large grave as the machine wailed relentlessly with a barrage of bullets.

Ada, the landlord had finally made it to the top steps that made it to the roof. Susan would have probably been in the way so she decided to go back to the lobby.

Kicking open the roof door they wern't suprised to see a large satellite like Susan had said (I know a satellite woudn't work with these extreme weather conditions, but just bare with me). They looked over to the corner to see two men sitting at laptops that dispite their loud entrance had failed to notice the asian spy, and licker. Ada decided to walk up to them by herself, "Alright, just what the hell is going on here?!"

The two men jumped at seeing the spy, and quickly pulled out handguns, "Who are you lady?!" Ada didn't answer, but instead looked at a patch on one of the men's arms, "Rain Stopper Corporation? What in Gods name are you doing here?!" The man just growled, "None of your buisness now scram!" She looked over to the screen on the laptop, and was suprised to see a live video of Wesker and Birkin hiding behind a gravestone, "Oh my God what the hell are you doing to them?! Stop it right now!" The men just laughed, "Oh yeah, whos gonna make us?"

"Me." Thats when the men looked over to see the mutated landlord, "Oh my God thats a licker!!! AAAH!! One man darted through the roof door, and the other one just took the senic root by jumping off the building. "Ada, whats a licker?" Ada quickly sat down in front of the laptop, "No time sir. I have to try to find a way to save William, and Albert."

Back at the graveyard, the tombstone was starting to break away from the constant bullets as Birkin, and Wesker craddled each other behind it, "Wesker, since were going to die here I think its important to tell you one thing." "Whats that Birkin." "Those sunglasses are so 90's." Wesker just glared, and Birkin gave a nervous chuckle.

As the machine's leader laughed he didn't notice as the machine started to move left, and right until it fully moved away from Birkin, and Wesker, and started to rotate back at the leader's own men, "What?!" He ran over to a small microphone on the machine, "What the hell are you doing you idiots stop!"

Back on the roof the landlord was looking down at the laptop keys, "Hmn I wonder what this button does" he said as he pressed a random key.

At the graveyard the machine's leg started to rise, unbeknownst to the complaining leader, "Did you hear me you stupid morons?! Stop the damn-" _Splat!_...and that would be where the group leader's story ends.

Ada didn't know how to stop the machine from shooting anymore innocent people, but did find a mic, "Wesker? Wesker can you hear me?"

Behind the grave Wesker heard a familiar cry, "Ada? Ada is that you?!" "Yes Wekser. Look I can't stop the machine from shooting more people!" "Well can't we just wait till it hits Krauser?" "Damnit Wesker listen! Find something quick to destroy it!"

Wesker wasn't sure what to do, but Birkin spotted the perfect weapon higher up on the hill. Darting to hit Wesker didn't know what to make of it till he say Birkin holding something on the hill, "Use this!" he screamed as he tossed Wesker the RPG from earlier, "Hey thats my scene!" yelled Ada from the mic.

Wesker wasted no time in grabbing the RPG, and holding it over his shoulder, "Hasta Lavista Baby!" he screamed and fired the rocket. Suprisingly his shot was way off, and flew right past the rampaging machine, "How the hell could you miss!" yelled Birkin from the hill.

Thats when the rocket hit a large tree that then tumbled over onto the machine, "Hmn...guess that works too" complemented Birkin at being corrected.

Back to the horse, it was now passing through a large pumpkin patch located in the woods. As it got to the end it knocked into one of the pumpkins that bounced of a tree, and landed onto the headless guy on top, as the horse continued on it's way.

The scene at the graveyard now stood pretty still. In theory it was just the same as before the interruption of the machine; Wesker, and Birkin against the Paracel Corporation. The only problem this time is that they had already used their RPG. This didn't seem like much of a problem, because of the earlier events the agents of the Paracel Corporation were a little too shaken to think of Wesker, and Birkin right now.

Suddenly a thudding sound in the distance caught everyone's attention, and out from the fog came a man with a pumpikin head on a black horse with glowing red eyes, "OH MY GOD ITS THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN!!!" screamed Wesker.

Everybody broke out in screaming as they started to flee down the hill from the graveyard. As Wesker, and Birkin fled for the car, Wesker noticed Krauser wiggling on the ground, mumbling. Wesker felt sorry for the yutz so he quickly used a small switch blade he carried to cut him free, "Lets go ya big paluka!" Wesker yelled as he pushed him for the car.

The limos, and the mercedes had already fled so that would just leave three. As they got into the car the horse rammed into the back of it, sending it carrining down the hill at a dangerous pace, knocking over tombstones and what not.

Back on the roof, Ada sighed in relief at the now black laptop. Thats when someone behind her caught her attention. Turning around she noticed Alyssa, and behind her all of the other apartment residents including Susan. Alyssa smiled a cheeky smile at the asian, "Hey there Ada, whats up!" Ada smiled softly, "Aww you guys came back to help us." "Nope!" Alyssa said, never losing her smile, "Just that the roads are starting to flood so we needed to get to higher ground."

Ada gasped as she ran over to the side of the building looking up. She couldn't really tell how deep it actually was, but it must have been pretty deep cause the man who jumped off the building earlier was now floating freely on top, "Oh no! I hope the boys are alright."

Part 4.

"Faster faster he's gaining!" Yelled Krauser as he looked out the back of the sedan. The water was up to about the doors on the car as it passed through the city streets, the horse close behind. They were about to make it to the apartment building when Krauser spotted something in the corner of his eye, "Wesker quick cross that bridge!" Wesker glanced over, and noticed it was an old ricktey bridge that passed over a now overflowing river, "What, why?" "Just do it!" Krauser screamed in a panic.

Wesker turned the car, screeching to the right, and sped across the flooded bridge. Soon after the horse followed behind him, "Hmn...that didn't work." Krauser muttered dumbfounded. Wesker growled angerly, "What didn't work?!" Krauser pointed at the bridge, "He's not supposed to be able to cross the bridge." "Why in the hell would you think that?!" "It worked in Sleepy Hollow." "Krauser you are a friggin moron you know that!" Wesker screamed as they sped off back to the apartment building, passing by the spot on the bridge that they drove the Hummer off of on the way.

Ada had aqquired some binoculars that one of the men left behind, and was now tracing the city for any sign of the boys. Because of the dangerous winds only her, and the landlord stayed on the roof, and were starting to lose hope of finding them. That was until she noticed two forms dashing across the city bridge in the distance. "I see them!" shouted Ada to the landlord. The landlord looked over to her hopefully, "Are they alright?" "The car seems fine...just I can't understand something." "What?" "...why is there a man on a horse chasing them?"

"Where almost there give it some gas!" screamed Birkin as they were about a block from the apartment. The rain was now almost at the windows, making it almost impossible for the sedan, or the horse to move. As they arrived to the apartment they breathed a sigh of relief, "Ok everybody lets go-" thats when he tried opening the door that was now stuck from the water pressure on the other end, "Shit!"

Suddenly the sedan shook violently as something landed on top of it. They all looked at the roof of the car, as an uneasy silence insued that didn't last long. For seconds later metal scraping was heard, and the roof of the car was ripped off as if by a can opener. There on top was the headless horseman! Birkin, and Krauser screamed but Wesker just stared at the horse shockingly, "Number 6?" he muttered as he noticed a small number on the side of the horse, "Well thats the horse that I injected the...uh oh."

Krauser, and Birkin continued screaming, but Wesker tried to gain their attention quick, "Krauser Krauser! Thats not the headless horseman! Its just an infected horse with a headless man on it!" Krauser never lost an ounce of fear, "Well thats what we in the monster world call a headless horseman!" Wesker just groaned, and used his foot to knock the guy off the horse that fell into the water below, motionless.

Wesker knew that the horse was there for him for what happened so he quickly jumped out of the hole in the car, and swam quickly to the apartment window that was broken earlier, and swam in. The horse didn't even pay attention to a confused Krauser, and William as it gave chase after the blonde.

Wesker swam over to the lobby stairs, (picture the stairs in the Spencer Mansion), and sat on one of the middle ones, exhausted. That didn't last long, because just then the horse busted right through the main doors, and darted for him.

Wekser let out an awkward scream, and started to climb the rest of the stairs, but the horse beat him to it by jumping high, and landing in front of Wesker. Wesker slowly backed up as the horse snorted, and grunted angerly, slowly advancing, "Nice horsey, nice horsey" but luck was on his side, because just as the horse leap forward for the kill, Wesker slipped on the damp steps, and fell on his ass.

The horse crashed into the railing, and fell back to the first floor. As the horse was stunned Wesker took the time to jet up the stairs using his superhuman speed to accomplish floors like nothing. And he just kept going, 4th floor, 6th floor, 12 floor, 18 floor, 25 floor. He finally stopped on the 27th floor, and fell face first to the ground, gasping for air. Though through it he gave a slight chuckle from giving the horse the slip. Thats when a slight ding caught his attention, and he looked over to the elevator to see the doors open, and the horse walk out.

Wesker yelped as the horse approached him, and looked right into his eyes. Wesker gulped, and closed his eyes, but heard a familiar voice from up above, "Wesker! Hurry up the stairs quick!" He tilted his head up to see Ada up at the top of the small set of stairs heading to the roof.In a quick motion Wesker jumped up, and darted up the stairs, the horse following after.

There was now an intense standoff on top of the roof. On one side the black horse stood in front of the door. On the other was Wesker, Ada, and the landlord who looked very confused.

Suddenly the standoff music from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly played as Wesker took a few steps forward, "So you wanna dance...lets dance." As the music continued playing Wesker, and the horse continued glaring at each other. Wesker flexed his fingers at his side, and the horse ruffled his mane. Wesker stomped some dirt off his boot, and the horse stomped some dirt of it's horseshoe. Wesker slicked back his hair, and the horse swung it's tail randomly. As the music drew to it's climax both combatants squinted their eyes into hateful glares.

Thats when the music stop, and the horse made the first move by neighing loudly, and darting for the blonde. Wesker just screamed like a girl, and darted the other way towards the landlord, and the edge of the building. Wesker didn't even look back as he dove head first over the side of the building, but before he fell he reached back, and grabbed the landlord licker's long tounge. The horse also jumped over, hell bent on killing Wesker.

Wesker descended through the floors, the horse trying to stretch it's neck to take a bite out of the blonde. The ground was approaching fast, and Wesker started to wonder if this was a bad idea. Then at about the sixth floor the tounge must of ran out, because at that point Wesker violently jerked backwards, and stood motionless in the air as the neighing horse quickly passed by, and headed for the ground. Wesker chuckled at his cleverness. That was until the horse's body landed onto his black sedan, "...well...thats going to be hard to explain to the insurance company." Then the car exploded in a haze of flames. Wesker just sighed, he really did have the worst luck.

It was now about eleven o'clock at night and the rain had finally stopped completly. Thanks to the horse smashing the front door the rain water had somewhere to drain so most of the residents were now lounging down in the lounge, waiting for the power to be turned back on. While Krauser, and a few other residents went into the basement to fix the power Wesker, Birkin, Ada, and the lanlord stood in a small circle. Thats when Wesker sighed, "Those bastards got away with the B.O.W. information." Birkin just patted his back, reassuringly, "Don't sweat it Wesker, now that we know what corporations are involved with the transaction its only a matter of time before we find out where their hiding the renegade scientists. Then we'll go from there."

That brought some comfort to the situation, but before they could rap it up Ada thought of something, "You know i've been thinking...If Susan wasn't kidnapped from the lobby then where did the girly scream come from?" Wesker, and Birkin poundered it for a second before suddenly the power shot back on scaring the crap out of the landlord, "AAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Eveyone in the lobby just stared wideyed at the loud, and familiar scream, "...Wow."

_Authors Notes: Wow I just realized that in the past three chapters I had two horses exploding...a new record! And that finally concludes the Halloween Conspiricy hoped you all liked it, and have a happy Thanksgiving._


	12. Happy Thanksgiving, comrade

_Author's Notes: As you can tell i'm a little late in getting this chapter up so many parts of this are going to feel rushed and unexplained, but just fill in any plot holes that may occur in the process. Expect my Christmas ones up soon. So please don't really judge my writing based off this one chapter._

House of the Idiots Chapter 12

_SLAM!!!_ Krauser sighed as he walked away from yet another townhouse in the city. Wesker stood on the sidewalk shivering from the Novmember breeze as he waited for the big baffoon. He wore a heavy coat, a wool hat, a long scarf, and his trademark sunglasses. Since the scarf covered his mouth, the hat covered his head, and the glasses covered his eyes he looked like a spy of some kind, but no one could see the anger behind those shades.

Krauser slowly drooped down the small stairs to the sidewalk, and looked over to Wesker who just growled, "Can we go home now, i'm freezing my balls off." Krauser just glared at him, "No we can't. I was promised Trick-or-Treating, and damnit i'm going to do it." Wesker sighed, "Krauser I hate to break it to you, but its NOVEMBER!! And not early November either. Thanksgivings tommorow, and the only reason I am stuck babysitting you as you get the door slammed on you time, and time again is because you opened up your big yap, and told Ada I threw you out of the car instead of taking you to get a costume." Krauser seemed hurt by this, and sat down on the curb, "Yeah it is too late. But you think at least someone would have a heart, and give me some kind of treat. What could be the problem?"

Wesker chuckled as he leaned against a lampost, "I think I know what the problem is." Krauser looked up, "What?" "Krauser...what is your costume?" Krauser smiled, "I'm a professional skier." he said proudly. Wesker nodded, "Right, so what do you have on right now for your ski costume?" Krauser looked at himself, "Well I have some gloves, a trenchcoat, and a ski mask." "Uh-huh, so let me ask you this. If a 32 year old man came to your door in the middle of November with a ski mask, trenchcoat, and gloves, and wielded an empty sack what would you think he was doing." Krauser looked confused, and Wesker just sighed, "Tell you what we will do one more house. But this time don't put on the mask, and if you can try to act retarded...maybe they will actually feel sorry, and give you something."

Krauser nodded, and pulled off the mask as he skipped to another townhouse, Wesker close behind. He ran up to a small apartment door, and banged on the door very violently. The door opened up, and a small petite girl with short hair, and pretty green eyes opened the door, "Yes?" Krauser smiled, and held out his small sack, "Trick-or-Treat!"

The girl looked down at the sack, and back up at Krauser. After the confusion she gave a small smile, "Awww, thats so cute. Ok hold on a second, and let me see what we have." She walked back into the house, and Krauser heard an older man's voice start to talk to her, "Who was that Rebecca?" "Oh just a sweet little man who is going trick-or-treating." "Trick-or-treating?! What the hells this shit!" He heard the man getting up from whatever chair he was sitting on, and come to the door.

Krauser's eyes widened as he met face to face with the man he had a bar fight with, Barry Burton!, "Oh shit!" remarked Krauser as he turned to Wesker who was reading a newspaper, "Wesker!! I think he have a problem."

Wesker looked up, and through his glasses you could see his eyes widen in suprise. Krauser turned back to Barry to see him bawling his fists, and gritting his teeth in anger. Krauser turned back to his friend, "Wesker?"

By this time Wesker was already long gone, his newspaper marking the place where he once stood. He felt Barry grab his shoulder, and he looked over with a weak chuckle as he stared at the seriously pissed off bearded man, "Hehe...so whats up big guy?"

"God damnit Wesker, what have you gotten yourself into this time" Wesker muttered to himself as he trudged back to the street he left Krauser on. If anything happend to Krauser, Ada was going to kill him for sure. He snuck by the apartment that Barry was in, and walked into an alleyway next to the houses. He looked at the rows of dumpsters, and noticed one of them was opened.

He slowly walked up to the dumpster, and noticed Krauser inside his eyes wide open, but he was not dead because you could see him breathing from time to time. Wesker sighed in relief, "Thank God your alright, I wouldn't want to go back to Ada with that news. Ok Krauser lets go." Wesker started to walk away, but stopped when he realized Krauser wasn't following him.

He looked back into the dumpster, "Krauser what the hell are you waiting for lets go...Krauser...um...Krauser...uh oh."

Ada burst through the hospital doors as she ran for ER. (On a side note, this is a diffrent hospital then the one from the earlier chapter) Running through the ER doors she turned left, almost knocking down a nurse as she headed into a side room.

She paused as she looked inside to see Wesker sitting on a chair reading a magazine, and Krauser laying in the bed. She ran up to Krauser's side, "Oh Krauser can you hear me?! What happend to you?!!!" Ada lightly shook Krauser, and then sharply turned to Albert, "What the hell did you do?!" she yelled with venom in her voice.

Wesker's eyes lit up, and he quickly held his hands up defensilvly, "Hey its not my fault. I told you this trick-or-treat thing was a bad idea."

Ada groaned, and then rushed to the doctor as he walked in the door, "Whats wrong with him doctor?" The doctor looked down at his clipboard, "It seems Krauser has suffered some major head trauma." Wesker chuckled, "Hehe, tell me something I don't know." Ada balled a fist, and looked over to Wesker furiously, "What? I'm serious. It was back when you guys went after the Las Plagas remember? He got into a fight with Leon, lost, and then got caught in an explosion. He was never the same since."

Ada thought back, "Oh yeah now I remember. He did seem kind of smarter back then." Wesker scoffed, "Smarter? Ada the man drinks his own piss now." The doctor intervened with a slight 'uh', and Ada turned her attention back to him, "So what do we do for him doctor? Thanksgivings tommorow, and I want him to spend it with us.

The doctor smiled slightly, "Don't worry it doesn't seem totally serious. He can go home with you, but he is going to be out of it for a few days." Ada wiped tears that were brimming in her eyes, "Thanks doctor." The doctor chuckled softly, and walked out of the room.

They were now back at the apartment, as Krauser laid on the couch, Wesker sat in a chair, and Ada stood over Wesker, "Now Wesker I want you to keep a strict eye on Krauser. I don't know how long he's going to be like this, and I need to go help the landlord cook the Thanksgiving feast. As I told you before a real group of Native Americans are going to celebrate it with us so i'll be back in a little while." With that she walked out the door, and left Wesker, and an unconcious Krauser to themselfs.

Wesker just sighed, and leaned back on the chair till he heard the phone ring seconds later. He walked over to the side of the room, and picked up the phone, "Hello...Birkin whats up...No I didn't eat your brownie at lunch...Yeah I saw it in the fridge but I didn't eat it...I don' t know, it was probably Shelly from accounting...Yes I know it was 'your' brownie...well jeez Birkin it was just a brownie you don't need to kill yourself over it..._SIGH_ put down the knife Birkin..."

While this little conversation was going on Wesker failed to notice a form slowly rise from the couch, and look over at him with an evil gleam. As Wesker went on with his conversation a shadow started to show up on Wesker's back. As it slowly got bigger Wesker noticed it, and turned around, "Hello comrade" said a low evil voice. Wesker gave a loud girly scream as the shadow engulfed him.

Ada chuckled softly as she walked through the door of her apartment. She, and the other residents just got a front view seat of a hillarious show of the landlord licker trying to stuff a turkey with his long claws. Her smile quickly turned to a frown as she saw that the apartment was in shambles, "Oh my God What happened?!"

A response of "uuuuuuuh" came from an unknowon source and Ada raced over to a flipped over couch, and turned it upright to see Wesker laying underneath it, "Wesker?! What the hell happend, and wheres Krauser?!" "K-Krauserrrrr he...he...wi-window" he studdered and pointed a finger over to a broken window.

Ada ran over and looked out the window, and realized that Krauser must of climbed up to the roof. She wasted no time in leaving the apartment, and dashing up the floors of stairs to the roof. Busting through the roof door she noticed a form standing near the satellite that the "Rain Stopper Organization" had used against Wesker, and Birkin.

Stepping silently up to it she heard Krauser muttering something to himself. The strange thing was that it wasn't his usual mutterings of mutant egg people, but one about realining the structure to counterbalance the frequency, "K-Krauser?"

Krauser violently whipped around, and pulled out his knife, aiming it at Ada. Then upon realizing who it was he let out a small chuckle, "Well well, if it isn't the bitch in the red dress." But his voice wasn't one of humor but one of a bitter hatred, "Krauser...what has gotten into you?"

Krauser grinned and patted the satellite, "Inspiration my dear girl" Ada 'humphed', "Define inspiration." Krauser grinned and took a deep breath, "The-divine-influence-or-action-on-a-person-believed-to-qualify-him-or-her-to-receive-and-communicate-sacred-revelation" he stated very fast who got a suprised, and confused look by Ada, "Of course...I wouldn't expect someone of your meager intellect to comprhend my superior vocabulary" Krauser stated with a sly grin.

Ada pouted, "Hey! Are you calling me stupid?" Krauser just laughed, and reached into his pocket, "Look heres a yo-yo. It goes up, and down on a string. Why don't you go take this, and go play while the grown-up tries to realine this satellite to destroy the city." Ada's eyes widened at his plan, "What?! You can't destroy the city! It's are home, are life, are...oooooh" The yoyo seemed to have her in a trance as Krauser bobbed it up, and down.

Wesker stumbled tiredly up the stairs to the roof to see what had become of Ada, and Krauser. He wasn't sure what in the hell happend to Krauser, but that voice he talked in back at the apartment seemed almost...well normal.

He walked out onto the roof, and surveyed his surroundings until he saw Krauser in the distance working on a laptop, "Krauser!!!" Wesker screamed in a bitter tone. Krauser didn't even look up from the screen and just continued typing, "Didn't I take care of you back at the apartment you blonde bastard?" Wesker gritted his teeth till he remembered something, "Wheres Ada?!" Krauser just pointed over to his right, and continued typing.

Wesker looked over to where he pointed to see Ada staring blankly at her yoyo as it went up and down, "Ada?! Ada what the hell is wrong with you?!" "Loooook Albert...isn't it pretty." Wesker sighed and then gave her a light smack to the back of the head. Ada shook her head and looked over to Wesker, "Sorry about that Wesker, I think Krauser was messing with my mind." Wesker pondered the irony of this as he trudged over to the army veteran.

Krauser was working on his laptop until suddenly the screen closed and he looked up to see Wesker who was very pissed off, "Ok jackass obviously that bump to the head really did something to you so just come down with me, and we can go call the doctor alright?"

Krauser just chuckled and then delivered a kick to Wesker that sent him across the roof into Ada. They both fell to the ground with a loud thud, and groaned as Krauser casually walked up to the dueo, "Alright you two thorns in my side I think its time to leave the genius to his work!" With that he picked both them up, and tossed them off the side of the building.

Down at the bottom of the apartment the landlord stood at the door as he greeted three Native Americans who had come for the upcoming Thanksgiving feast, "Welcome Cheif Swasagiy to are humble little apartment bulding. I hope you will enjoy the Thanksgiving celebration" "You mean the celebration of how you tricked my brothers into false security, and raped are land of its beauty" "...um...yeah that one, well come in come in."

The three native americans walked into the apartment building, and when they were out of view the landlord leaned up against the entrance, and gave a sigh. That was until he heard a faint yelling sound that got louder, and louder until suddenly there was a crash outside the door. Running outside the landlord saw what caused the crash, because there was a large indent on top of a minivan that contained Wesker, and Ada.

Ada must have used Wesker as a pillow because she was laying right on top of him while Wesker laid face first in the roof. The landlord ran up to the minivan, "What the hell are you guys doing?!" "Oh you know checking out the sights, breathing the fresh air, basejumping without a parachute...the usual" Ada muttered sarcastically. The lanlord looked less then pleased, "Just don't screw it up ok, the Thanksgiving feast is going to be done soon...wheres Krauser?" Ada didn't really want to tell the landlord everything so she just thought of part of the story, "He's um, he's workign on a laptop." "Oh is he updating his blog about the mutant egg people? I found that hillarious." "Yeeeah lets go with that." "Well anyway get him, we're almost ready" and with that he walked back into the aparment.

Ada sighed as she hopped off the minivan, and turned back towards Wesker who was still laying motionless on top, "Ok Wesker lets go...Wesker?" Wesker slowly raised his head, and looked over to Ada, "Big car hurt head..." Ada's eyes lit up, "Oh God you have to be kidding me."

Part 2:

Back up on the roof Krauser was working restlessly to fufill his evil plans. He barracaded the roof door, yet failed to notice a small grappling hook clamp onto the ledge behind him, and a slender figure fly up on the roof. Krauser continued typing until suddenly he felt the grappling line wrap around his neck, and he was tugged back off of the box he was sitting on, and onto the floor.

He flew all the way back, and through the barracade on the door, and fell down the stairs. As his conciousness started to fade he looked up to see the Asian spy at the top of the stairs until his vision became black.

The landlord led the three Native Americans towards the dining hall with a cheeky grin, "Right this way gentlemen, we are coming up to where we will have are feast-" "You mean the feast ate upon the murdered souls of are ancestors?" "Yeah sure whatever" stated the landlord in an annoyed tone at having the Chief keep saying those kinds of things.

"Since most of the residents are helping out with the preperations only three of are residents are here so please go in, and meet them." The Natives grunted in response, and walked inside to see a huge table, and at the end three people.

The Native American's eyes widened as they saw them because in the middle was an Asian lady who was smiling waaaaaaaaay to wide, a man who was gagged, and tied to a chair from which you could hear him muttering curse words from underneath it, and the last was a blonde man who was laughing moronically as he shoved a spoon up his nose.

Back in the kitchen as everybody turned their attention away from the turkey Alyssa stepped up while holding a little vile in her hand, "Hehehe with this love potion I got, Krauser will have no choice then to fall under my spell" she muttered to herself as she put the liquid into a turkey bastor, and sprayed it all over the turkey.

She heard voices getting closer so she quickly hid in the broom closet just as the landlord and another resident walked into the kitchen, "Yeah so the doctor says he never saw anything like it. Though he says he thinks my penis is missing, because it became part of my tounge." The landlord was of course talking about his now licker state, and how he has no genitals, and a long ass tounge.

The landlord looked the turkey over, and looked over to the resident, "You did a fine job Joe, why don't you have a taste?" Alyssa started snickering in the closet at the thought of Joe falling in love with the landlord, and watched as Joe took a taste of the turkey. Suddenly his eyes lit up, and he dove onto the landlord, and forced a kiss onto the licker. Alyssa couldn't hold it back and started to laugh...that was until suddenly Joe's heart stopped and fell onto the floor with a thud. Alyssa ran out of the broom closet and over to the fallen man, "Oh my God!!!" she screamed and the landlord just layed almost speachless on the floor, "Wha...what the hell just happend?"

Alyssa quickly read over the vile of the love potion bottle _Official Love potion: Just one taste and they will be yours forever,_ Thats when she noticed the small writing at the bottom of the bottle **Warning: Do not ingest, highly toxic**. Alyssa's eyes widened. What the hell was the point of the potion if it killed the person you were using it on. The landlord quicky shot up, "My God someone poisoned the turkey!" At this point Alyssa threw the vile out the window that ended up smashing over a joggers head.

Back at the dining table the three Natives sat very awkwardly next to Ada, Krauser, and Wesker. The Native that was sitting next to Wesker grimaced as Wesker started to lick the spoon that was perivously up his nose, and Wesker looked over with a dumb expression, "You wanna taste!" he yelled as he held the spoon up to the Native's nose, "Uuuuh no I don't think s-_MMMM"_ At that point Wesker had shoved the spoon into his talking mouth, "Nonsense you have taste!" Wesker screamed with a gitty tone. The man spit out the spoon, and looked over to Ada, "Bathroom?!" Ada sighed and pointed down the hall as the Native gave no time in taking off in that direction.

"Come on, come on, pick up damnit" muttered the landlord as he held the phone up to his imaginary licker ear. Giving a sigh at the constant ringing he was starting to get impatient, "I swear to God if you don't pick up i'm going rip out your intestenes and shove them up your-" "Hello?" "Birkin buddy o'l pal!" "Mr. Landlord?" "Yeah so hey is your family still coming to are Thanksgiving dinner?" "Yeah we're still coming" "Great great, so why don't you just stop on by and pick up a new turkey while your at it?"

There was a long silence on the other end of the line, "...are you fucking insane?" asked Birkin in a mild tone. The landlord sighed, "Come on Birkin, are turkey was ruined and now we need a replacement. Do you think you could get one?" "Where in the hell am I supposed to get a turkey on Thanksgiving?!" Birkin demanded.

The landlord groaned at knowing that he was correct, "Birkin we are desperate. We have three actual Native Americans from a local tribe, and we have no turkey. What are we going to do?" On the other end Birkin grinned a bit "Well why don't you just what your ancestors did, and rape those Natives of their food, home, and-" "Alright alright just shut up. I know we raped them alright, and if I hear how I raped them one more time i'm going to-" _GASP_. Turning around he saw an elderly lady with her husband looking at him disgusted at his comment, "Oh uh hi mr. and mrs. Macintosh." Mr. Macintosh just gave a huff, and they stormed away.

The landlord sighed and got back onto the phone, "Please Birkin is there anything you can do?" The silence insued again until Birkin broke it with a hmmmm, "Well there is one turkey I could get my hands on." The landlord sighed in relief, "Great! Thank you so much Birkin, and please hurry." With that he hung up the phone and ran to check on the guests.

Back at the table all hell was breaking loose. Wesker was swinging from the chandoler while singing, "LALALALALALALA...LALALALALALALA!!!" Krauser was tugging desperatly at his bonds, and screaming, "UUUUUCK!...UUUUUCK!...U UTHER UKERS." The two elderly people were discussing the comments the landlord made while the Native chief just stared wide-eyed. And Alyssa was hitting on one of the Native Americans, "So how bout you wip out your 'tomahawk' and we can jab it into a 'pussy'cat if you know what I mean." The Native American not really understanding the metaphor quickly pulled out an old fashion tomahawk from his back pocket, "Where cat?" Alyssa sighed, and just decided to forget it.

Walking along the table Alyssa noticed Krauser all tied up, and ready for the picking. Alyssa grinned and ran over to Krauser's immobile form, and ran a slender finger down his chest, "I just love a man whos kinky" he muttered seductivly. And too her suprise she got a small sexy growl from Krauser who had a seductive look in his eye.

"K-Krauser?" Alyssa studdered as she pulled the gag off, "So baby...how about I show you how I tie my knots" Krauser whispered smoothly. Alyssa was taken back and had lost all of her sex drive in that instant, "Uhh no-no-no thats ok" she stumbled and shoved the gag deep into his mouth. And with that she scampered away dispite Krauser's mumbles in the backround.

As the landlord ran in he screamed as he saw the state of the party. Running over to Ada who was engage in a one-sided conversation with the chief, "So why the hell do you guys honor this Sitting Bull anyway?" You could tell she was piss drunk from her studdering of words, "I mean they probably only called him that because he was full of BULLshit and was always SITTING on his fat ass all day." The indian chief's mouth was hanging open at her offensive words, and the landlord quickly put his mouth to her ear, "What the hell are you doing? I told you to watch the party." he whispered to her harshly.

Ada just growled and shoved him away with a weak arm, "Back off jack, I put up with your shit long enough, and I-I love you man" she muttered and tried to get up to give him a hug, but passed out drunk on the floor. The landlord sighed, William better get here soon with that damn turkey.

And as if on cue Birkin came busting through the door with a metal serving dish with a lid on it, and his loving family strolling in behind him, "We're here!" he stated happily and then noticed the state of the party, and everyone looking at him pissed, "Oook then"

The landlord raced up to him, "Thank God your here, i'm so happy I can give you a hug" "Yeah don't bother" Birkin stated as he tried to push off the approching licker.

"Ok everybody the turkey is here!" yelled the landlord as Birkin placed the turkey on the middle of the table. Everybody crowded around it with oooos, and aaaaas. Then Birkin quickly pulled off the lid, "Walaa!"

Everyone gave shocked gasps from their lounging place, and even Krauser gave a muffled one as they stared at the plate in the middle of the table.

"GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE!!!" There in the middle of the table was a turkey alright, and a very rare one at that as it flapped it's wings in a paniced motion.

The landlord quickly ran over to Birkin, and started to shake him, "What in the hell is that?!" "Test subject 239" Birkin stated bluntly. "What in the hell is a test subject 239?!" "Well I didn't have anywhere else to get the turkey, and you needed on real bad so I took this from the Umbrella labs, and relax he has no T-virus in him...maybe smallpox though."

The turkey jumped from it's plate and started to run around the entire table knocking silverware, and glasses all over the floor. The landlord had enough, "For Christ Sakes sombody grab him!!!" he yelled. Wesker put on a stupid wacked out face, "Turkey!!!" he screamed and jumped up onto the table, "TURKEY TURKEY TURKEY TURKEY" he yelled as he chased the poor bird around the table.

One of the Natives looking at this horrendous sight suddenly heard a muffled moan, and looked over to Krauser. The Native reached over and took out the gag to hear what he was saying, "Hey buddy you mind untieing me?" The Native didn't know what to do, "Uh i'm not sure i'm supposed t-" "Nonsense they are actually holding me captive for going against the white man. So can you do it?"

The landlord was looking for the best way stop the turkey when suddenly he was blindsided by a large form. After falling to the floor he looked up to see an untied Krauser, grinnig evily, "Krauser what in God's green earth are you doing?!" "Hey don't blame me you Licker freak. I was hired to help rid the city of monsters like you, and thats just what i'm going to do" he stated darkly while unsheathing his long blade.

So as it was Ada was passed out drunk, Wesker was chasing a turkey around the table, some of the residents were arguing, Annette was arguing with the elderly lady while Sherry tried to break them up, Alyssa was rocking back and forth in the corner, and the landlord and Krauser were wrestling each other.

While this went on the three Native Americans sat, and wathced agasped until they heard someone chewing next to them. They looked over to see William with his feet propped up on the table, and gnawling at a chicken leg (chicken...not turkey folks), "So _chew chew chew _you guys indians or somethin?" "We prefer the term Native Ameri-" "Yeah whatever" William interrupted, and the four just sat back as the chaos took place.

Finally about 10 minutes into it a tomahawk flew through the air, and sliced the fleeing chicken right in half. Everyone stopped what there doing, and looked over to see the three Native Americans looking at everyone with stern glares, "That is enough of this."

The landlord quickly ran to their side, "Mr. chief sir I know are actions are unexcusable, but-" "Save it. We have seen enough to know how you people are." Everyone, even Krauser gave a sad look at the chief's hurtful words, "You guys...are true indian lovers." Everybody looked in awe, "What?" they said in unison.

"Every year when we go to one of these feasts everything is so superficial and happy-go-lucky. They put on a false show about how they think the first thanksgiving was without actually knowing any of the pain and suffering my people went through. By fighting with each other you really brought out how are sides acted back then. And by that blonde man chasing that turkey you really showed how hard it was for my people to get the food for the Thanksgiving feast. You all acted like selfish assholes...and thats all we really ever wanted to see on this day, and for that we honor you all."

They all looked at one another, "Um...your welcome?" Krauser muttered as they were all unsure of what to say. "And now we must leave, but you will all be in are sacred prayers, good day to you." The three bowed, and walked out of the dining room. Everyone looked at each other, "What the hell just happend?" questioned the landlord.

It was now night, and Wesker Ada, and Krauser were all in their apartment, "Wow what a day this was" remarked Ada exausted. Krauser gave a slight nod while Wesker nodded like an idiot.

As Ada walked into the kitchen and out of sight Krauser turned to Wesker, "You know Wesker, i've grown to except are role switches and I hope your ok with it." Wesker nodded happly, "Me happy me happy!" Krauser just grinned, "Great i'm glad to hear it and i'm sure are new roles will be pretty intresting huh" Krauser stated with a warm smile which Wesker returned.

"Oh yeah about that." Ada's voice ruined the moment, and Wesker quickly turned around _PANG!!!_ "OW!!!" screamed Wesker as he fell unconsious to the floor. Krauser quickly looked back just in time to see Ada swinging a frying pan at him until his world went black.

Ada looked down at the two unconcious men on the floor, "That should do it" she stated proudly as she walked into the bedroom to go to bed, and leaving the men unconcious on the floor, destined to return to normal in the morning.

_Author's Notes: Finally!!! All of the other holidays are complete which leaves my favorite, CHRISTMAS!!! I'm going to love making the Christmas chapter and I have some good ideas of how i'm going to do it. So look for it in the near distant future, and I pray I can get it in before Christmas so everybody is still in the Christmas spirit while they read it._

_Also I know Krauser's evil plan never went anywhere, but thats because I decided to change the plot to add the Native Americans in it._


	13. Christmas Chaos part 1

_"Its the most wonderful time of the Year! Ding Dong Ding Dong"_

The scene sets on a large mall, and out front of it hundreds of restless people wait out in the blistering cold.

_"With kids jingle belling, and everyone telling you, be of good cheer!"_

Seconds later the scene now shows a riot at the mall entrance as a large group of people ram into the doors over and over again. A few mall employees ran up to the door, and leaned against it in a futile attempt to stop the crazed holiday shoppers. One of the employees looked down the mall path to see the manager, "Jim we could use some help!!!"

The manager begins to walk towards the door when all of a sudden it gives way and the employees are crushed beneath the weight of the door, and the thousands of feet that cascade past it.

Suddenly the manager turns around, and starts to run in slow motion as in the backround the hundreds of angry people stampede in like buffalo. They get closer and closer as Jim gives a slow motion yell, "AAAAAAOOOOOOEEEEE!!!!" and then seconds later the crowd catches up to him, and he is trampled as his yells go unheard from the crowd as the scenes comes out of the slow motion.

_"Its the most wonderful time of the year!!!!!!!" _Welcome to House of the Idiots Christmas special!!!

The mall is crowded as hell in the early morning hours of one of the last days till Christmas. Every store is packed to the tee, and fights are spreading like wildfire. And through it all walked Wesker, Krauser, and Birkin, "I can't find KB toys anywhere! Krauser check the map again."

Krauser held the map to his face as they continued walking through the mob, "Thats funny it should be right here." Wesker looked over and stopped, which caused the other two to stop. Then he gently reached his hand out, took the map, rotated it 180 degrees, and handed it back to Krauser who looked it over again, "Oh thats better. Lets see...yep its on the other side of the mall." Birkin slapped a hand to his head, "God damnit I hate you."

Since they were too far away from KB toys for the moment they decided to stop in EB games so Birkin could get items checked off his list, "Lets see theres the Sims 2 pets for Annette" "Check" Krauser said as he held up the game, "The My Little Pony game?" "Check" Wesker muttered as he held up the pink packaged game, and then felt the urge to chime in, "I can't believe your daughter still likes this pony crap"

Birkin sighed, "Its not for her. This bastard here has been bugging me to buy it for months" he whined as he pointed to Krauser who gave a defensive tone, "Hey its not my fault that the ponys are so pretty."

"And the last thing to get is the Bloody Hordes of Crimson Gore game..." Both Wesker, and Krauser stared at him funny, "_SIGH_...that ones for Sherry."

As Birkin went up to ring up the games Wesker looked over the rows and rows of digital enjoyment,"What the hell is all this crap?" he whined as he looked over all of the games, "Back in my day all we had was pong, and tetris not..." he stopped as he looked over a game, "Biohazard 4" he muttered as he put down the game. As he was about to walk away his eyes quickly widened, and he quickly picked up the game, "What in the hell?!" he screamed as he looked at the back of the box to see a picture of him.

In fact there was also a picture of Ada, Krauser, Leon, and Ashley all in action. Wesker started to shiver, "Oh my God, someone has been spying on us." He started to look around in a paranoid state until he came across the store's securtiy camera, "EEK!" he screamed and chucked the game at the camera, breaking it.

After being kicked out of the game store they finally came across KB toys. Walking in they were met with the sight of little kids running around the store, and playing with the various toys on display.

Krauser had a twinkle in his eye that looked like a childs as he stared at the racks of cheap mass produced plastic tranquility. Wesker saw that twinkle and knew it would only lead to trouble, "Krauser?" Wesker started as he turned to the moron, "Birkin and I are going to go find a doll that Sherry wants so you sit your ass down here" he pointed to a beanbag chair, "And stay out of trouble."

Krauser just humphed, and sat on the beanbag. He stayed there...for about 10 seconds until he gasped as he saw the toy he had been looking for, "Wooooooooow a Ranger Dick action figure" he said dreamy as he looked at an action figure of an old man dressed as a drill seargent.

He skipped up to it, and picked it up. He then noticed a button on the back, and pressed it, "Get your ass in gear wuss!" it yelled. "Wow!" exclaimed Krauser. He then pressed it again, "Lets go maggot move it move it move it!!!" and then again, "If I had it my way, Asians wouldn't be in the army!!!"(Sorry I got that comment from a TV show) Krauser oooed at the amazing toy until suddenly he felt a tug against his arms, and looked down to see a five year old boy grabbing on to the other end of the Ranger Dick, "Mine!" he yelled in a spoiled tone. Krauser just growled, and ripped it from his hands, "Hehe yeah ri-YEEOW!!

Krauser screamed as the little punk bit his hand, and then swiped the toy away. Krauser recovered and tried to get it back, "No its mine!" he yelled and shoved the toy in his pants.

Krauser just growled, "Come on can I please see it?" The kid just crossed his hands, "Nu uh!" "Come on its yours ok, but can I just hold it for a sec please?" The kid just shook his head.

Birkin, and Wesker were walking back with the doll Sherry wanted, and Wesker looked at it weirdly, "Are you sure this is the doll Sherry wanted you to get?" "Yep showed it to me right in the catalog." Wesker looked down at the Emo Barbie, and pushed the button on its back, "Lets cut are selfs hehehe." The barbie's sadistic giggle scared the crap out of Wesker as the barbie also came with a real razor blade.

"Oh my God!" screamed a woman, and Wesker, and Birkin ran up next to her, and a group of people as they looked at the scene unfolding at the entrance.

Krauser was trying to reach into a kid's pants, "I just want to hold your Dick for one second! I'll give it right back after I play with it I promise." Everyone including Wesker, and Birkin stared in complete shock as Krauser tugged at the resisting kid. That was until the store manager came out with a broom, "Get the hell out of here you disgusting petifile!" he screamed and smacked Krauser across the face with a broom.

The trio was now walking through the mall with little explaination of why Krauser was trying to get into a little boy's pants. They were on their way out when all of a sudden something red, and shiny caught his eye. He turned his head as he gazed into a jewelry store, and then sped quickly into it.

Birkin, and Krauser caught up with Wesker as he had his face glued to the display case, and gazing at all of the sparkling pieces of jewelry, particularly a piece that sparkled a bright red, "Ooooo." Krauser and Birkin looked at each other confused and then back to Wesker, "Um...Wesker you do know this is a jewelry store right?" Wesker didn't even listen, and just gazed in a dreamy state, "Its perfect for Ada" he muttered as he gazed at a black choker with a big red ruby right in the center.

Birkin needed to chime in, "Wow $2300. Thats quite a lot." At this knowledge Wesker's face dropped down into a frown, "Aww I don't have that kind of money." Thats when Wesker got an idea and quickly turned to Birkin, "Birkin I have an idea, you just distract the storeowner, and i'll steal it." Birkin's eyes widened, "What? What if you get caught?" Wesker just chuckled, "Relax Birkin, i'm an expert theif, and i happen to have a little tool to help me." Birkin seemed reluctent, "Ok fine i'll do it."

Birkin walked over to the storeowner, and tried to strike up a conversation, "Um...uh...excuse me...but um...i'm looking for something for my wife." The storeowner looked at him, and gave him a smile, "Well sure, now what do you think she will like?" "Um well you know a necklace should be ni-OH MY GOD!" screamed Birkin as he looked over to see Wesker raising a lead pipe over his head, and smashing it into the glass jewelry case.

Anyway in the back of a police car heading towards the station was Wesker, Krauser, and Birkin, "Way to fuckin go Wesker! The police confiscated my items so now when we get out I have to do all of the shopping again." Wesker just sighed as he leaned back, "I just don't get it...how did they know?"

Birkin growled angerly, "How did they know?! You smashed a fucking glass case using a lead pipe in broad daylight, then after you grabbed it you ran like hell out of the store screaming 'I didn't do anything I didn't do anything', and after you asked a fucking security guard for directions to the exit!!!" "Hmm...maybe...just maybe I did something wrong." Birkin just groaned in frustration, and they all kept quiet for the rest of the ride.

"What in the hell do you guys think you were doing?!" screamed Annette as she sped down the road with the three boys in the back, "Your lucky you guys worked for Umbrella or there could have been some really serious charges!" The boys all looked down, "We're sorry" they all said in unison.

Annette dumped off Krauser, and Wesker at the apartment complex, and the two trudged up the stairs. By the time everything was said, and done the boys had been in jail all day and it was now around ten o' clock.

As they walked through the door to their apartment Ada was sitting on the couch watching TV with a little Santa hat on. Hearing the noise she turned around and gave the two a warm smile, "Oh hello guys. How was your day?" she said happly. Krauser, and Wesker just ughed, and walked into the bedroom. Ada seemd a little hurt, but tried to ignore it, "Oh o-ok then I guess i'll take the couch...goodnight" she muttered and layed back with a sad sigh.

The next morning Wesker got out of bed, and walked into the kitchen to see Krauser eating a bowl of cereal, "Morning want some?" "What do you have...Sugar Frosted Faggot Flakes?" Wesker questioned as he looked at the box. Krauser gave confirmation with his mouth full and then quickly swallowed it, "Its the only cereal approved by the gay community." "Wh-why are they shaped like-" "Hello, 'Gay' community." Wesker just groaned, "I don't have time for this, besides i'll have breakfest with Birkin at work." he whined as he walked out the door.

"_SIGH_ I don't know what to do Birkin. Christmas is in a few days and i'm not going to have enough money to buy Ada that present I wanted to get her" muttered Wesker as he gnawled at a bagel, and look through a glass window .

"Well I'm not sure what to tell you, but since I have to do all of the shopping AGAIN I can't loan you any money...6" Birkin finished as he looked out the same glass window onto the research floor.

Chaos seemed to erupt down on the floor as Hunter Alphas broke free and were now massacring all of the researchers. So now Birkin, and Wesker took the liberty of helping out by rating each kill on a scale of 1 to 10.

"I mean there has to be some legal way to make some extra cash within a few days...8" he stated as one of the researher's heads was swiped clear off his shoulders.

"No I don't think so...its as if you need two jobs to fork in money that fast." At this comment Wesker's eyes lit up, "Birkin...thats brilliant! I'll get a second job to pay for the choker...1" Wesker stated as a researcher dove over a railing and fell out of sight.

Birkin pondered it as he ate his bowl of Faggot Flakes, "So what kind of job you gonna get?" Wesker just grinned, "Hehe Birkin with my brain I can be anything. A doctor, a lawyer, or even the govener! With my intellect anything is possible!" All of a sudden an unholy scream erupted from the research floor, and Birkin and Wesker looked out the window, and gave off faces of utter shock, and disgust, "...10" they both said in unison.

"I cannot friggin believe this" muttered Wesker as he walked through the doors of his new job. His large boots thumped with every step as hundreds of people acknowledged his apperance with overjoyous whispers.

He walked up to his work station, and passed a satin rope as he headed up a few steps and sat in a very large red, and gold chair. A co-worker standing next to him gave a glare, "About time you showed up" she whispered and looked at the large crowd of gathering people, "Ok guys Santa has arrived!"

On a side note back at the Umbrella Corporation William Birkin sat at his counting table counting all of his viruses, "T-Virus, G-Virus, Rebirth-Virus, T-Veron-" He was caught off by a studdering voice a short distance away, "M-mr. Birkin sir? M-may I go home now?" Birkin looked up, and over to a wimpy little researcher sitting at a table filing paperwork, "Have you finished filing those death certificates Kratchet?" "N-no sir, but I will gl-gladly finish it up tommo-" "Say no more! No files no leaving!" yelled a grumpy Birkin. Kratchet just whimpered, "Um si-sir may I also ask for Christmas off?"

Birkin just growled, "Are you mad?! I need you here so I can be off!" Kratchet mustered up some courage to speak up, "But sir its Christmas!!" "Ba-Humbug" scoffed Birkin, and went back to counting his money.

Back at the mall Wesker sat impatiently as the first kid came from the line. The kid had a happy look, and then jumped up onto Wesker's lap which caused Wesker to quickly push him, "Off" he stated as the kid fell flat on his ass. One of the elves standing next to him put his mouth to Wesker's ear, "What the hell are you doing? The lap sit is part of the job." Wesker just sighed and allowed the kid to sit on his lap.

They stared at each other for 20 seconds as Wesker glared, and then broke the silence, "So...what the hell do you want?" "I want a GI Joe." "And...what the hell you want me to do about it?" The kid's eyes became very watery and he jumped off crying as he ran back to his mom.

The elf standing next to him was less then pleased, "What in the hell was that?" Wesker just humphed, "I need to make some money. If I buy all these kids toys then i'm not going to have any money left." The elf just groaned, and filled him in on the whole 'ask now get presents later' thing.

Next was a little fat boy of about the age of 5 who waddled up to him, and sat on his lap with a groan from Wesker from the weight, "So little boy...um...what do you want from Santa?" "Pee" "Pee?" "Pee" Wesker looked at him funny, "Ok so Pee, what is that some kind of action fig-OH MY GOD!" Wesker yelled as he felt something warm all over his lap.

Back at the apartment Ada sat staring at the TV, saddened. That was until Krauser walked in, "Hey Ada!" he said cheerfully then noticed the sad look on her face, "Whats wrong?" "Oh nothing Krauser...its just that Wesker has been ignoring me a lot lately...maybe he doesn't like me anymore." Krauser didn't want to blow Wesker's plans, "Oh i'm sure he has just been busy is all" "I-I guess your right." Krauser frowned at her still depressed face, "Is there anything I can do?" Ada just gave a sad smile as she rose from the couch, "No...no I don't think so" she whispered and walked out of the apartment leaving a heartaching Krauser.

Krauser now sat in the lobby in one of the many chairs as he thought of everything. He couldn't even make Ada feel better, he was worthless. Now that he thought about it he had only really caused nothing but trouble for people. If he hadn't gotten them stuck in this hell hole in the first place then there would be no problems. They were always there for him like when they helped him rescue his McDonald's toys yet all he did was crush Ada with a bed, dropped a TV on the landlord, caused Wesker to trip on X, and almost had them arrest multiple times. And through it he didn't do anything right.

He sighed as he leaned back in his chair, "The world would be a lot better if I was never born" "Yeah your probably right" said the landlord dully as he walked by Krauser on his way to the bathroom. Krauser just gave a small whimper and buried his head into his hands.

In the mall bathroom was a Santa Wesker as he tried to scrub his costume from the piss that the kid left on him, "Fat little Fuck" he muttered as he scrubbed harder before walking out to go back to his post.

Sitting back down on the chair he realesed a loud fart and gave a satisfied sigh, "Next!" he yelled and up walked a poorly dressed little girl. She sat up on his lap before letting out a burning cough which she gagged on for a minute before looking at a confused Wesker, "Um...well what do you want little girl?" "M-mr. Santa may I ask for a few requests please?" Wesker looked at his watch, "You got a minute."

She looked up at him with whimpering eyes, "Mr. Kringle I come from the local orphanage for little girls with terminal illnesses" she pointed over to a nun in the crowd that ran the orphanage, "My father beat me, and tried to burn me alive in which he killed himself, and my mother died of cancer just after telling me she never loved me, and I was a worthless daughter. Everyday I start to lose a little more sight in my eyes, and I will soon go blind. My best friend just died from the disease I have, and everyone else in the orphanage hates me. I have about three months to live in which I will be in constant blinding pain, and agony until I eventually choke on my own blood. So Mr. Kringle if you could find it in your heart to help me out, I would really like to ask for-"

"Oops times up, make sure you grab a complentary candycane on the way out, and have a nice day, NEXT!" The little girl walked off with a sad frown, and Wesker's eyes widened almost out of his sockets as he saw his next kid.

There walking up to him was Leon Kennedy, and Claire Redfield who were accompaning little Sherry Birkin who walked ahead of the two, and sat on his lap, "Hi Wesker" she said sweetly, and gave a happy smile, "Shut uuuuuup" Wesker whispered under his beard as Leon, and Claire who hadn't heard her walked up too. Claire put on a big smile, "Hello there Mr. Clause are little friend Sherry came by here and just had to meet you...although she says she knew you for quite some time now, kids huh hehehe" "Yeah hehehe" chukled Wesker as he glared daggers at a grinning Sherry, "Hmmmm" muttered Claire as she admired the Santa Clause's muscles and lack of a jolly belly.

Wesker's eyes widened at Claire's seductful look before Leon stepped in, "Sherry why don't you tell Santa what you want." Sherry smiled, "Ok" then she turned to Wesker, "Mr. Santa, my parents never seem to have time for me so...can you make it so they spend more time with me?" At this Wesker let out a laugh, "Yeah right those two douchbags?"

Wesker's eyes widened at his comment, but not as wide as Leon's and Claires who stared at the Santa in complete shock, "Uh...I mean, i'll see what I can do" he finished and a sly Sherry jumped off his lap, "Thank you Santa...tell 'K', and 'A' I said hi" she mocked, and walked away with her two guardians. (K is Krauser, and A is Ada)

Back at the Birkin's house Annette walked through the door as she lazily took off her lab coat, and threw it on a chair. She let out a long yawn as she flopped off her shoes. She thought that Sherry must still be with that Claire girl, and she gave a small smile as she walked up the stairs, and to her room.

She knew William was in there as he also took naps after getting home from work, and she crept up to the door, and gave it a little knock, "Hey William baby since Sherry is gone, so how bout I slip into something more comfortable, and we can have a little 'alone' time."

From the other side of the door erupted a loud shriek from William; and Annette let out an aggravated growl, "Fine whatever, i'll just go watch some TV" she whined as she headed back down the stairs.

Little did she know that the scream from William wasn't because of her, but because of something a lot more menaceful that at the moment had Will cowering under his covers.

A wailing ghost stood at the foot of Birkin's bed as Will tried to muster up the courage to speak up, "Who...who are you!" he asked petrified, and the ghost just pointed an accusing finger at him, "Ooooo William Birkin! I am the ghost of your old partner James Marcus!"

Will raised an eyebrow, "James Marcus? The guy with the leech fetish?" The ghost just growled, "Shut up and listen Birkin. You have been living a life of greed and coldheartiness William. You only care for your viruses and because of it your daughter Sherry doesn't have a daddy to take care of her!"

William let out a sigh, "Oh hehe I thought you were here to extract your revenge for having you killed." Thats when Birkin's eyes widend as the ghost suddenly held a baseball bat, and delivered a blow to Birkin's leg, "YEEOW!!!" "That, was my revenge. Now on to buisness. Over the next few days you will be visited by three spirits. They will show you your past, the present, and your future, and by it you will become a better person."

"Um...is this optional?" The ghost just groaned, "NO ITS NOT! The first ghost will come tommorow so be prepared young scientist...Farweeeeeeeeeel" he whined as fog completly surrounded him, and when it cleared, Marcus was gone.

Suddenly Birkin heard an exhaust sound out his window, and looked out to see Marcus's ghost getting on the city bus. Birkin laid back down, and let out a long sigh, "Damn...this is gonna suck."

Back at the apartment Krauser was now in the apartment's kitchen with his head in the oven, with the gas on, "Everybody would be a lot happier if I was never born" he started to get all teary-eyed until suddenly the oven got really hot, and Krauser pulled his head out with a loud yell.

Looking up he noticed someone had turned the flames on, and he turned around to see an angel sitting on his kitchen table, "Hehe sorry I couldn't resist" it chuckled in a thick Brooklyn tone. Krauser yelped at the angelic figure that glowed a bright yellow, and fell on his butt, "Who...who are you?!"

The figure started to float in the air as the glow around him became brighter, "I, am the angel of Sylvester Stallone!" Krauser's eyes widened, "Oh my Go-...hold on...Sylvester Stallone? But your not dead. I was going to go see your new movie next week." "Relax kid, this counts as community service. God damn cocktail waitress" he muttered and Krauser spoke up, "Uuuuh is this going anywhere?"

Stallone looked back at him, "Wha...oh...yeah yeah. Look Krauser i'm here to show you what it would be like if you were never born." Krauser looked down sad, "Aww why would I want to look at everybody enjoying me not being around?" Stallone just chuckled, "Your wrong Krauser. I'm going to show how much of a better place you make the world...you in?" Krauser looked up, hope shimering in his eyes, "Sure."

An orange Cobalt pulled up to the Birkin's house as little Sherry got out, and looked back in through the window, "Thank you for the ride Mr. Chris Redfield." Chris just gave a fake smile, "Anything to see where you live-I mean see you smile. So Sherry tell me, does your house have any security systems?" Sherry looked taken back, "Um no I don't think so, why?"

Chris just chuckled, "Oh no reason hehe." Claire in the back seat looked up at her brother, "Chris? What are you planning? It better not have anything to do with Sherry." Chris just grinned, "No no I would never dream of it, see you later Sherry" he said smoothly as he pulled away.

Sherry walked into the house in time to see her father charge out of the house, whining of ghosts coming to get him. Walking in she looked over to the couch to see her mother with a pissed off tone, "Mama whats wrong with dad?" "Who the hell knows." Sherry winced at the harsness of her words, and decided to ignore it and headed upstairs.

Annette gritted her teeth as she thought of everything. Truth be told she really hated this time of year. She never got anything good for Christmas. Everytime she saw a couple holding hands in the snow she was reminded of the coldhearted little prick she married. But the worst was on Christmas day when her daughter, and the neighboring children made way to much noise as she tried to sleep late, "The noise, the noise, the noise noise noise noise! And they'll jump on joyjumpers, and bounce on boingbouncers. They'll play their kazookuzers, and drink 20 ouncers. (sorry, it rhymed)

"And after all is said and done the neighbors will come together, and they'll carve a roastbeef. Then they'll all hold hands around the damn city tree, and they'll sing, and they'll sing, and they'll sing sing sing sing!"

Annette stood thinking, "I have to find some way to stop this Christmas from coming!" And with that thought she darted out the front door, and out of sight.

"Mom?" yelled Sherry as she slowly walked downstairs. She wondered where she was until she felt a slight chill, and looked over to see the front door hanging open. She walked over and closed it as she looked all around. She was all alone. She was...'Home Alone'.

And as she stood there in the front yard no one noticed a dark van pull up carrying Chris, and Jill. Jill lit a ciggarette, and looked over to Chris, "So when do we break in?" Chris never took his eyes off the house as he glared in, "We wait till Christmas eve. By then everyone in the neighborhood will be away so that leaves us to break into the house and destroy that bastard William Birkin's work without anyone knowing." Jill let out a laugh as she took a puff of her cig, and the van slowly drove away down the neighborhood street.

Wesker walked out of the now closed mall as he shivered from the cold. Today was hell, and tommorow was going to be even worse. The only thing that kept him going was the knowledge that he was doing it for Ada, and smiled at the thought of her reaction when she opened it on Christmas.

Suddenly he felt something wet touch his cheek, and glanced up as snow started to fall to the earth. He gave a small grin at the beauty of it, and headed to his car.

_Author's Notes: I pray that I can get the next part in before Christmas so that everyone is still in the Christmas spirit as they read it. Hoped you enjoyed it. Give me a review if you did._


	14. Christmas Chaos part 2

_Author's Notes: I hope everybody had a joyful Christmas and a Happy New Year. Sorry that I couldn't get a chapter in for so long. To tell you the truth if it wasn't for the last review I got from someone who asked nicely if I would continue soon I probably would have let it go longer. So now onto the Christmas special part 2_

House of the Idiots Chapter 14

Wesker awoke with a sigh as he got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. He needed to get ready for work at Umbrella and then after he was going to need to dash to the mall so he could be Santa.

He brushed his teeth, slicked back his hair, and put on his sunglasses as he walked back into the bedroom. He made sure no one was looking before he reached under the couch, and pulled out a big red sack that contained his Santa costume.

He started to creep over to the door when suddenly he heard the bedroom door squeak open, and Ada's sad form look through, "Where are you going?" "To work" "Well whats in the bag then?" Wesker sighed, "Work stuff" "Well can I se-" "Looks its none of your beeswax alright!" He could see tears swell up in Ada's eyes as she quickly proceded back into the bedroom as the door slammed shut.

Wesker looked over at the door, and gave a sigh, hoping Ada would forgive him when she learned the truth about everything. With that he headed out the door and to his work.

He arrived at his workstation about 30 minutes later and was suprsied to see that there was no coffee pot in the coffee machine. Then he heard a chattering sound and looked over to see Birkin sitting at a table shaking violently with the entire coffee pot in his hand as he drank out of it.

Wesker walked up behind him, "Birkin what-" "AAAAAAAAH!!!!" screamed Birkin as the coffee pot flew out of his hand and hot coffee splattered onto Wesker's face, "Ah! What the hell Birkin!"

Birkin turned around, "So-sorry We-Wesker its just that I-ive been a little ju-jumpy lately." Wesker ignored the burning and looked at his friend, "Well what the hell is wrong?" "We-Wesker...do you believe in ghosts?" Wesker raised an eyebrow, "Ghosts?"

"Well" Birkin began, "I saw the ghost of James Marcus!" Wesker's eyes lit up, "Oh my God Birkin, I saw him too!" "You have?!" "Yeah he was playing charades with the easter bunny at the dairy queen down the street" Wesker chuckled a bit and Birkin's eyes just shined with hope, "Really?! Then lets go catch that son of a bitch!" he screamed and jumped up for his street, heading towards the dairy queen as Wesker sighed at the buffon.

Krauser's world was totally white as he felt himself floating as if on a cloud. Slowly his vision started to return back to normal, "Whe-where am I?" Thats when he noticed he was floating over the non destroyed Racoon City, "Oh well this seems nice" (Um I said flying), "Oh..." Looking down his eyes widend as he saw a seagul fly by, "AAAAAH!!!" he started to fall until he was quickly caught by a strong arm.

Looking up he noticed it was the angel of Sylvester Stallon, "Mr. Stallon what in the hell are we doing here?!" The man just chuckled in his brooklyn accent, "We're gonna see what it was like if you were never born" he said cheerfully and Krauser just started to flap his arms like a headless chicken, "How do I start flying again!"

Stallon just let out a toothless grin, "Thats easy just wish upon a star, believe you can do it, and with a little pixey dust you too can fly." Krauser just let an uncomfortable groan, "Doesn't that seem kinda...well you know, gay?" Stallon just rolled his eyes, "Phfft! Tell me about it."

Sherry sat on the couch, the contents of three ice cream containers all piled into into a big cooking pot in which she was currently eating with a large spatula. She had been home alone for over a day now and she was actually starting to enjoy doing whatever the hell she wanted. As she continued watching her favorite show "Wall St. Stock Exchange" a big van pulled up in front of the house.

Inside, Chris Redfield stared carefully at the huge two story stucco styled home as Jill lit up a smoke and look at her partner, "Well what are ya waiting for, we came here to scout out the area so go ahead and do it." Chris looked over at her before nodding slowly and getting out of the still running van.

Sherry hummed merrily as Microsoft went up three points, but her eyes quickly widened as she saw the shadow of a large man from the other side of the window shade.

She sharply lunged for the remote and pushed play to put on a mobster movie she rented the other day (The same one from "Home Alone"), "I'm looking for Snakes" one of the men said. The other one just chuckled as he sat in his chair, "Snakes? He's a bit 'tied' up at the moment" "What?" "He's upstairs right now, taking a bath, he'll call you when he gets out."

The man just glared at the older man, "Well what about my money" "What money?" The young mobster explained and the old one just chuckled. Outside Chris listened closely with both confusion and amusement, his ear glued to the window.

"Oh that money" the old guy chuckled and then reached next to his chair to pull out a tommy gun, "I'll tell you what i'm going to do for you wise guy, i'm gonna give you to the count of ten to get your no good kester out of here before I pump your guts full of lead."

The young man's eyes lit up and he started to back towards the door, "Alright Johnny, i'm going." "One...two..." Sherry smiled evily at her ingenius idea before she accidentally hit the remote and not only turned off the tape, but switched the TV to the Playboy channel, "...Ten!_ KKRRK _Oh yeah deeper deeper!!!" Sherry's eyes widened as the image showed a very explicit image of a guy on top of a girl doing the nasty.

Sherry fumbled quickly for the remote as Chris ripped his ear away from the window and dashed frantically back to the van, tripping over a Santa Clause decoration in the process.

Slamming the van shut Chris stared forward, panting heavily. Jill looked at him funny, "What?...what happend?" Chris tryed to speak through the pants, "Guys...there were two of them...and...I think were having...having" "Having what" Jilled asked as her patience was wearing thin, "You know...imtimacy" he muttered as he made the motion with his fingers. Jill's eyes widened, "What?!"

Chris just nodded, "Yeah! There was one named Snake, and another Johnny, and then they were talking about taking baths and being tied up, and then something about pumping someone in the kester and then there was this loud moaning of harder harder!" Chris was in a frantic fit as he waved his arms around wildly as Jill stared on in horror, trying not to picture images in her head.

Chris quickly pulled the crankshaft and stepped on the gas, "I think we better leave those guys alone for a little while." Jill agreed fully heartidly as the van sped violently down the snowy roads.

Wesker trudged with a gloomy tow as he stepped into the mall entrance. He still felt bad about how he snapped at Ada earlier, and now to make matters worse he also had to pretend to listen to kid's wishes all day.

Walking towards the bathroom to get changed the manager of the mall hurried up to him, "Yo Wesker we accidentaly booked two Santas so you and Mr.-" he looked down at the sheet with the other Santa's name, "Mr. Chris Kringle...wow thats weird, anyway both you and him are going to need to take turns with kids until we sort this little matter out."

The manager walked pass him while taking a sip of his coffee, not even noticing the glare in Wesker's eyes. Now on top of it, he was going to have to take turns playing Santa with a man who sounds like he escaped from a mental hospital.

Walking up to his post he was suprised to see a very well groomed Santa Clause with a real beard that didn't have a crumb in it. The man stretched his hand out in a friendly gesture, "Hello there good sir my name is Chris Kring-" Wesker quickly cut him off as he gave him a quick handshake, "Yeah hello weirdo, so anyway you think you could take the first shift, i'm gonna go take a nap." The old man just gave a sad smile, "Oh uh ok then I guess I'll see you later" he muttered as walked towards the big Santa throne.

Down at the local Dairy Queen chaos had erupted as Birkin held gun up to the cashier. The cashier just shook violently, "Look man I already gave you all the money, what else do you want?!" Birkin held the gun sturder, a mixture of anger and lack of sleep in his eyes, "Don't play dumb you bastard, I know your hiding him!" "Hiding who?!" "James Marcus you bastard!"

The young employee looked back at the girl at the drive thru window, "Do any James Marcuses work here?" he muttered and got a headshake of no from the young girl. The cashier then turned back to the Birkin, his arms still raised, "Sir I think your mistaken, there is no one here by that name" "Yes there is! I got a tip that he was playing charades with the Easter Bunny now cough him up!"

The cashier's eyebrow raised slightly, "Easter Bunny?" he asked bluntly and Birkin cocked back the gun and aimed it again, "Thats right asshole now where is he?" The cashier realized there was no reasoning with a man that was obviously crazy so right when Birkin blinked he made a mad dash for the doors.

The cashier screamed wild as Birkin fired rounds that ended up hitting the glass windows from which you could see a police car pull into the parking lot as it responded to the 'robbery' call. The cashier dove through the doors as Birkin emptied his clip on a gumball machine near the exit.

Thats when he spotted the several cop cars outside, "Uh oh" "William Bikrin, what on earth are you doing?!" Birkin looked to his left and screamed loudly as a ghostly woman appeared in front of him, "Who the hell are you?!" "I am the ghost of Christmas Past, one of the ghosts assigned to help change you of your evil ways."

Then she surveyed all of the shattered windows and squad cars, "And by the looks of it we are starting not a moment too soon. Well anyway off we go." The ghost disappeared and Birkin could start to feel himself fade away as an officer kicked open the doors and aimed his gun at Birkin, "Freeze!" he yelled before pulling the trigger. The bullet passed through the transparent Birkin and struck the girl at drive-thru in the chest.

Annette sat in her secret lair, an evil look on her tired face. She had been up all night pondering and pondering for a way to steal Christmas, but so far everything was coming up a blank, "Ok so after I chop Santa's nuts off I...I..." She let out a frustrated groan and crumbled up the paper in which she had written that ridiculous plan.

She got up from her 'throne' and walked over to a small window in the corner of her lair. Looking out it she marveled upon the breath-taking view of the city and let out a sigh as she gazed upon the various Christmas lights throughout the city blocks as she wished she could just go out there and tear apart every one of them.

"Oh but I will, when I make a fullproof plan, this whole city is going to pay HAHAHA!!" She stopped in the middle of her evil laugh when she heard the sound of the door opening and someone flick the light switch.

Turning around she realized it was the licker landlord who gave off a confused aura, "Um...can I help you Annette?" Annette just pointed a stern finger at her, "How dare you violate the sanctity of my evil lair!" The licker cocked a non-existent eyebrow, "Evil lair? This is my bathroom."

Annette slowly dropped her finger, and then her head, "I had nowhere else to go." The licker just gave a sigh and sat down on the edge of his tube, and then patted the spot next to him. Annette sat down on the spot and looked over to the landlord as he spoke, "Ok, now whats going on." Annette still had her head hung in shame, "I'm trying to make a plan to steal Christmas."

The landlord chuckled, "What?" "To steal Christmas. This whole Christmas season just gets on my nerves and I just want to find a way to steal it." "By chopping off Santa's balls?" the landlord asked as he gazed upon the crumbled paper Annette was writing on.

Annette gave a little whimper as she felt like a pitiful child no older then her daughter. The landlord sighed and put his large claw around Annette's shoulder, "Annette its ok. I guess you never really had a Christmas when you were growing up and because of it you don't want anyone else to be happy on Christmas, am I right?" Annette nodded slightly, "Yes sir" she muttered and the landlord just patted her shoulder, "Its ok Annette. Its ashame that you never had a happy Christmas but you can't do something drastic like the Grinch did."

Annette's eyes quickly lit up, "What did you say?" "The Grinch, you know he dressed up as Santa and went around to every house and took away all of their Christmas stuff." And thats when Annette got a wonderful idea. An awful idea. Annette had a wonderfully awful idea (Sorry if that sounded wrong, it was from the Grinch).

The landlord's face became worried as he noticed the evil gleam in her eyes, "Ooooh no. No no no I am not going to allow you to do something so evil, so dispicable, so heartless that- hey what are you doing?" he asked as he noticed Annette filling up the bathroom sink and then walking over to him.

The landlord let out a suprised gasp as Annette grabbed him by the back of his head and dunked his entire face into the cold water, "Ok ok I get it!" the landlord gargled as he flailed about.

Back at the mall there was a bit of commotion brewing in the food court area. A mother and her daughter stood at the Taco Bell counter as the little girl stared at what was on the surface, "Oh no is Santa ok mommy?" the girl asked as she poked Wesker's Santafied form which was currently sleeping on the Taco Bell counter.

The mother just gave a little chuckle, "Don't be silly Mindy, he isn't real its just a statu-" she stopped short as Wesker snorted and slowly sat up, giving a zombie groan. He turned to the two, his nose bleeding from the crack he snorted in the bathroom and belched really loud much to the horror of the little girl who ran off screaming.

The mother looked on as her daughter ran off, "Mindy wait!" She then glared over at Wesker and stuffed the taco she ordered into his mouth, "Jerk!" she screamed and then ran off after her daughter. Wesker just chewed and swallowed the taco, "That hit the spot" he muttered satisfied before being blindsided by a tray.

Looking over he noticed it was the Taco Bell manager, his asian face giving off anger, "You get outta here!" Wesker just growled and walked off, " Why is it in every fastfood joint theres nothing but Mexicans working in them, and when they finally open a fastfood place that serves nothing but mexican food only Asians work in it" he muttered to himself as he walked back to his post.

Walking up he noticed that everyone seemed to like this Chris Kringle guy, the elfs and the kids having huge smiles on their faces as Wesker gave a wave that it was time to switch.

Chris nodded and then looked back down at the little boy on his lap, "Excuse me little Billy, but Santa needs to go into his workshop for a second, i'll be right back." The boy nodded and got off, and Chris walked to the back and smiled at Wesker, "They're all yours friend" he stated and then walked off to get a bite to eat.

Wesker walked out of the workshop and sat on the throne, the kid jumping back on his lap, "Why did you need to go to your workshop Santa?" Wesker looked down slightly confused, "What? Oh um...Rudolph died of lukemia." The kid's eyes widened in horror and Wesker just pulled the clothing away from his shoulder, and pointed to a red boil, "This look infected to you?"

Krauser and Stallon were still gliding over Raccoon City before Krauser thought of something, "Hey Mr. Stallon why is it that Raccoon City isn't destroyed?" Stallon just scratched the back of his head nervously, "Well as I said before this is a world in which you were never born." Krauser's eyes widened, "What?! I never blew up Raccoon City!" "Right, but you were the one who caused the virus to leak." "When was this?!" Stallon just sighed, "You really don't remember?"

_Flashback: The year is 1998 and in the Spencer Mansion's labs sits a younger scarefree version of Jack Krauser, three viles in his hands, "Hey Steve look at this." Steve, a researcher turned around and yelped loudly as he witnessed Krauser juggling three samples of the T-virus._

_Steve ran over and swiped two of the samples in mid-air, the other in Krauser's hand, "Are you insane you dunderhead, if any of these viles break, the consiquences would be catastrophic!" Krauser just chuckled and tossed the last vile up and down as Steve went back to his work, "Relax nerdo, I've been practicing knife techniques all my life, I think I can handle a simple vi-" SMASH._

_Steve turned around quickly, "What was that?" but was stumped when he realized Krauser was gone. He then heard the automatic doors open, and Krauser speed through. Steve then noticed the liquid pouring out from the broken vile on the floor, "Oh...shit."_

Krauser's eyes widened as the memory hit him like a ton of bricks and he looked back at Stallon, "Nope, can't remember a thing. So where are we going first?" Stallon just looked off into the distance, "How about we visit the Birkins?" Krauser smiled, "Ok!" and they flew off towards a fairly large looking house.

_Authors Notes: I'm gonna end it here just because I haven't posted a chapter of this story for a month and it is a Christmas story! Hoped you liked it and that everyone is still in the holiday spirit somewhat. I'll dedicate the next chapter to whoever can guess what Christmas movie I got the mall santa "Chris Kringle" from._


	15. Christmas Chaos part 3

_Author's Notes: Jesus Christ it took me forever to update!!! I'm sorry to say but theres still going to be one more Christmas chapter cause I couldn't seem to fit everything into this one. So anyway I bet you think i've forgotten but I didn't so I want to give props to Chocobo Rider Vaan and leonmustdie for getting "The miracle on 34th st." part...hope you guys are still part of )._

_Ok so i'm doing something new for this chapter and probably the next. Since there are so many diffrent stories and two diffrent alternate realities going on here it will be almost impossible to follow so __**PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE READING THE CHAPTER**__. K first off I would highly recommend reading the first Christmas chapters first. Second every time I shift to another character's story I am going to place a bold letter in front of that paragraph so Weskers is __**W, **__Krausers is __**K, **__Annette __**A, **__Birkin __**B, **__Sherry __**S**__. Sorry but Ada will not have a big part in this chapter. So thanks for reviewing and enjoy the new chapter._

House of the Idiots Chapter 15

**K **The scene sets on the inside of a mansion's living room. Inside a maid is humming away as she dusts a bookcase. The humming is soon stopped when seconds later a huge bang shook the ground and the maid looks over to see the imprint of Jack Krauser on the wall.

The maid looks left and then looks right and with the coast clear pushes the bookcase in front of the imprint to block it from view. Then she happily goes about dusting the rest of the living room.

On the outside of the house Krauser remained motionless as his large form fitted perfectily into an indent he just made. A moment later the angel of Sylvester Stallon flew down and looked at him awkwardly, "Oooo...sorry about that Krauser. I guess I should have shown you how to stop huh" "Uh huh" came Krauser's muffled reply as a moment later he jerked his head out of the hole, and took in a huge breath of air.

Then he noticed the large house he slammed into, "I don't understand, this used to be where the Birkin's house was. Where do they live now?" Stallon just grinned, "Thats the thing Krauser. This is their house. They are filthy stinking rich" he said delighted but his happy attitude went sour as Krauser asked his next question, "How?"

**B **The scene sets on a small little elementary school in the dead of winter in the 1960s. Christmas lights were hung all over halls as this was the time before all of the other religions bitched about forcing religion on their kids and ruined it for everyone.

It was recess time and most of the little kids were playing with their toys cause it was too cold to play outside. But one kid was seen sitting in the corner reading a book on biochemical nuclear physics. At this time William Birkin and the ghost of Christmas past appeared in the middle of the crowd of kids and proceded to the lonely little boy, "Wow whos this loser!" laughed Birkin as he looked at the dorky kid reading alone.

Thats when the teacher in the room spoke up, "Mr. Birkin, why don't you put down that book and go play with the other kids?" At that the realization hit the adult Birkin, "Oooooh..." he said embarassed.

The little Birkin without even looking up from his book flipped off the teacher and then ignored her completly. The adult Birkin just chuckled, "I always was a spunky little scamp." "Asshole is more like it" the ghost pointed out as she motioned for Birkin to watch as a little boy walked up holding an action figure, "Hey Will do you want to play with my Captain America doll?"

Little Birkin just took the doll, snapped off the head, and handed it back to the shocked child, "There you go, now its easier to shove up your ass." The kid's eyes started to water and he ran off crying as little Birkin just hummed a simple tune and went back to reading.

Birkin just looked at the ghost, "Oh come on one kid and all of a sudden and some sadistic heartless jerk?" "Just keep watching." About a minute later a littler girl came up holding a little clay statue. She blushed slightly as she placed the statue on the table in front of Birkin.

Little Birkin looked over his book wondering what the girl wanted, "H-hi William. We did a project where we made a clay model of someone we like...and I made one of you." Birkin looked down at the statue and grimaced at the little abomination of clay that was supposed to be him. He stared at it for a few seconds longer before slamming his heavy book down on it, smashing it into little pieces.

The little girl gasped and looked at Birkin shocked, "Why did you do that?!" "I had to end it's suffering" Birkin said bitterly and the little girl also ran off crying. Adult Birkin was pretty shocked at what his younger self had done but he wasn't about to admit it, "Oh come on, just two people and-" "Just shut the hell up and keep watching!"

The little girl must of gotten the teacher because seconds later the pitter patter of her heels came up to Birkin and little Birkin looked up to see his teacher, obviously furious of what he had done, "Mr Birkin! How dare you disrespect your fellow classmates in such a horrific wa-...what have you got there?" the teacher asked as Birkin pulled a tazer from his pocket and rammed it against the teacher's thigh.

Birkin and the ghost of Christmas past both watched in horror as the teacher repeatidly convulsed before falling to the floor with a thud. "Holy shit..." Birkin commented on his past self and the ghost just groaned, "You really were a dispicable child Birkin" "Oh come on! I got a timeout for that you know."

**W **Back at the apartments a lone man walked up the many flights of stairs to get to his apartment on one of the higher floors. With a bag of groceries in hand he hummed a simple tune as he continued to climb the stairs.

That is until a man with blonde hair and dark sunglasses came jetting down the stairs and bumped into the man. Both men gave suprised yelps as they both stumbled down a few steps before coming to a halt. The man was about to ask what the blonde's problem was until he noticed an asian woman in red run down the stairs wielding a double barrel shotgun.

"Oh shit she caught up!" remarked Wesker as he stood up, the lone man right behind him. Ada with a look of anger in her eyes took a few slow steps down and glared at Wesker, "Albert Friggin Wesker you are going to tell me where you have been going these past few days, what is in the bag you bring with you every morning, and where the hell Krauser is!!!" "I swear I don't know where Krauser is!" "Then answer the first two"

Wesker put on a cheeky smile, "Come on Ada you are one of my closest friends. You know that this secret that I am keeping from you is important and if I want to tell you it is my choice. Now I know you respect my desicion to keep it to myself as of this moment right?" Ada stood there motionless for a few seconds and Wesker thought that his little speech had gotten to her.

_Cha-Chink._ Wesker's eyes widened and he turned around to face the lone man, "RUN DUDE!!!" he screamed and dove out of the way as Ada fired a shell that missed Wesker but hit the man full force in the chest who cascaded down the stairs leaving a trail of blood down each step.

Ada pumped the gun a second time as Wesker started down the stairs again but as she fired the shot she slipped from the blood on the stairs and fell on her ass, the shell going through the ceiling and causing debrey to fall on her head.

She gave a frustrated sigh as she noticed Wesker had gotten away which quickly turned into a whimper as she slowly climbed back up the stairs and towards their apartment.

Back on the top floor the licker landlord jumped up and down repeatidly cluching his bloody foot and staring at a hole in his floor, "Who the fuck shot through my floor?!" "Quiet in there i'm trying to work damnit!" yelled Annette from the bathroom and the landlord hopped over and looked in to see what she had been working on for several hours.

"Oh my God" remarked the landlord as he looked in to see Annette welding together what looked to be a giant sleigh. Annette, hearing the landlord behind her lifted up her welding mask and looked over to the landlord, "Pretty amazing piece of machinery isn't it?" "Do you really plan on going through with this?" "Damn straight I do, now shut up and hand me some of those girders." The landlord sighed and began to help Annette make what would eventually ruin Christmas.

**S **Shoveling coming from outside caught little Sherry Birkin's attention as she put down the TV remote and looked out the window her green eyes setting sights on her creepy neighbor next door who was slowly shoveling the snow out of his driveway. Barry Burton was his name, and Sherry heard stories that made her wish she wasn't home alone right now.

They say he was once a real family man and would do anything to help protect his wife and two daughters. Wesker even told her that he betrayed his best friends at the Spencer mansion just so he wouldn't hurt them. Then after the incident they say he went crazy and murdered all three of them and buried them in his backyard.

Sherry stared at him uneasy for a few seconds until Barry looked up at her causing her to squeak in suprise and duck down as to not be seen again. Barry just stared at the vacant window for a few moments before grunting and resuming his shoveling.

**K **Krauser and Stallone walked along the metal fence surrounding the gigantic mansion that the angel said belonged to William and Annette Birkin. It seemed like it was taking forever just to find the front gate and just when Krauser was contemplating hopping the fence they finally succeded in finding the front entrance.

As they headed towards the double gates Krauser noticed a man dressed in millitary attire standing just along the side of the right gate. Krauser walked up to him and stared at him right in the eye and the man vacantly stared off into space, not acknowleding Krauser's presence.

Krauser looked at him funny, and then started to make faces at the man that seemed to be frozen in time. Krauser waved his hand in front of his face and then started to poke the man. When everything failed Krauser stepped back and gave a wide grin, "Cool he can't see, hear, or feel me" he said in amusement and brought his fist back and connected it with the man's face.

Krauser seemed to get the opposite affect as the soldier yelled sharply and sprawled out on the ground, out cold. Krauser just looked at his fist in shock, "Uh, I think you are thinking of 'Christmas Carol' rules. He might of just been standing in attention" remarked Stallone.

Just then a loud roaring siren caught there attention and both men looked up to see the red dots coming from the lasers of countless guns aimed at there heads, "Smooth move dipshit" whispered Stallone, obviously pissed.

Two large doors kick open as both Krauser and Sylvester Stallone are being dragged through an expensive looking hallway. They are taken into what looks like someone's main study where a crackling fire seeks refuge in a marble fireplace, and above it a large portrait of what looks to be William Birkin in a purple silk robe loams overhead.

Krauser opens his blackend eyes he recieved from the soldiers just enough to see the back of a chair and what looks to be a lone hand holding a cup of tea. Without warning he is kneed in the stomach and pushed onto a couch opposite the chair, and next to him Stallone is also thrown onto the rather comfy couch.

Krauser looked up through heavy pants and sees William Birkin sitting across from him in the same purple robe that he was wearing in the oil painting. William took another sip of his tea as two soldiers walked up to him, "We caught these two trying to break into the compound" "We wern't breaking in! I just got my Christmas movies confused is all!" Stallone just growled, "Krauser will you just shut up!"

William looked at both men through the monicle on his eye, "Who are you working for boy?" he questioned to Krauser. "Birkin! Don't you remember me?! Its Krauser your best pal! We work for Umbrella together!" William just laughed, "I work for no one. It is me who is running the show for Umbrella. I am the owner."

"What?!" Krauser exclaimed and Stallone leaned over and started to whisper in his ear, "Without you screwing up the Tyrant Virus at the Spencer mansion Umbrella had no need for Birkin's G-Virus so HUNK and his men were never dispatched to retrieve it. It made him billions and with it he bought the controlling stock of Umbrella." "...Oh" was Krauser's only reply.

"You say you work for my company. What section are you in?" "I am one of Umbrella's mercenaries." "Mercenaries?" scoffed Birkin, "I have no need for hired guns. I have half of the fucking U.S. army guarding my house! I'm more protected then President HUNK." Stallone leaned over to Krauser, "After HUNK got-" "I'd rather not know how the hell that happend."

"If you have nothing else to say in your defence then I guess it is off to the dungeon with you" "Oh father you and your dungeon." Everyone in the room looked over to see both Annette and Sherry both wearing designer sunglasses, pearl necklaces, and fur coats. William grinned, "Where are my two lovely girls going today?" "Don't you remember daddy? We are going to go get massages with the Queen of England" "Ok you girls have fun" he waved to the retreating duo and Krauser growled as he heard enough.

"How dare you turn sweet little Sherry into a spoiled rotten little drama queen!" he yelled and ran towards William who slowly rose out of his chair and looked on unamused at the approaching dimwit. What happend next shocked both Krauser and Stallone as Krauser suddenly felt himself being lifted into the air and slammed to the ground by Birkin. Krauser stumbled to his feet groggy and looked onto Birkin who was giving a ninja-like pose, "Nice try, but I happen to be a world champion in Ti-qo-ho-man-fu."

"What?" but Krauser didn't have time to ask anything else as an open palm smashed into his forhead sending him back to the floor moaning in pain. Stallone looked at his fallen client in shock, "Oh shit" he muttered bluntly, and Krauser just looked up at him from his position on the floor, "Don't just stand there, help me!"

"Woh there Krauser those were just movies. Do you really think a boxer in his sixties can take on a black boxer in his mid twenties?" "Well do something damnit!" "Um...back off the kid before I go rambo on your ass!" Birkin looked over at Stallone confused before his eyes lit up, "Oh my God its you!!! Yo-your Sylvester Stallone!!!" Stallone shot him a cocky smile, "So...it seems you've heard of me huh?" "Oh yes I have Mr. Stallone. Your role in that movie was great!"

"Which one, Rambo?" "Ram-what?" "Rocky?" "Rocko?" "Nighthawks?" "Never heard of it." Stallone slapped a hand to his head, "Well what the hell role are you talking about?" "Why in Woody Allen's movie 'Bananas' of course"

"...What?" "Yeah you were one of the subway thugs" "My role was like twenty seconds long" "Yeah but the emotion you put into those twenty seconds made them the best in the entire movie!" "What was that, back in 1972?" "71 actually" "Oh...you sure you never heard of Rambo?" Birkin didn't answer and instead reached into a compartment on the side of his chair. Pulling out a tape recorder with a little microphone he flipped the switch to on and held the microphone towards Stallone, "Mr. Stallone if you would be so kind, do you think you could say your line from the movie?"

"Um...'give me your money?'" "EEEH" squealed Birkin like a little school girl, "Thankyou so much Mr. Stallone I've gotta let my friends listen to this!" "So...your not putting us into your dungeon?" "Are you kidding?! You and your odd friend will not only stay out of the dungeon but I'll let you stay in my mansion as honorery guests for as long as you like!"

"Really?" both Stallone and Krauser said in unison. Krauser got up from the floor and rushed over to Stallone, "Do you think we can stay in this alternate reality?" "I don't see why not. This place is ten times bigger then my house." "Sweet!" shouted Krauser and they both turned to Birkin, "We have both decided to accept your generous offer." "Fantastic! Now if you would so kindly come this way my maid will show you both to your respected rooms, Miss Ashcroft?"

Krauser's eyes widened in blind horror as Alyssa walzted into the room dressed as a maid and eyeing Krauser up and down seductivly, "Yes Mr. Birkin?" she asked happily. "Would you so kindly escort Mr. Stallone and his friend to they're rooms?" "I would be delighted" she said with a smirk and gave Krauser a sexy grin.

Stallone was about to step forward to start following when he was suddenly tugged forcibly off his feet and dragged down the hall by Krauser, "Krauser what are you do-" "We are getting the hell outta here, and fast!" he screamed as he threw Stallone through a second story window and then jumped out himself.

**W **The glass doors to the city mall slid open as Santa Wesker trudged dullfully down the long line of shops, his heavy Santa boots making his presence obvious. Everyone that gazed at him had looks of joy and glee...the opposite of what Wesker was feeling right now. He heard Ada starting to sob as he ran away and it broke his heart a little so right now he wasn't in the mood for kids.

But as if on cue a little boy came running up, tugging his mom's hand and pointing to Wesker, "Mommy mommy Santa Clause is he-" "_HISS!!!"_ Wesker screeched showing off his cat like eyes and the little boy ran screaming his mother close behind.

Wesker looked back at everyone that once had looks of glee and smirked slightly as they were replaced by either shock, horror, or anger. Marching into the workshop Mr. Chris Cringle came up with his hand outstretched, "Well good morning there Mr. Wesker did you sleep well?" "Suck my balls Chris" was all Wesker said as he walked by the stunned man and out onto the throne to begin accepting kids to sit on his lap, "Alright you little snot nose brats come sit on my lap." Wesker looked out to see all the children and parents looking uneasy at the deranged looking Santa Clause and all were pondering if sitting on his lap was safe, "NOW!!!" was all Wesker yelled and the kids lined up one by one.

First a little girl with ragged clothing walked up and sat on his lap, "Barbie doll?" "To poor, next!" Next a little fat kid came up, his voice nasily and breathing heavily, "I wish for a power ranger" "What you should wish for is some lipo suction, next!" The next kid made Wesker's eyes widen as the fat little kid that peed on him last time started to wobble over to him, "Ooooh no! No no no! You march your tubby little ass over to the salad bar and while your there you can piss on the cashier!!!"

"Wesker...can I speak with you for a moment?" Chris asked from the workshop as he overheard everything that was going on. "No Chris you can't!" "Whos that?" asked one of the kids as he noticed what looked like to be another Santa Clause, "My clone. Now shut up and tell me what you want your parents to buy you for Christmas" "Um...don't you mean what 'you'll make' me for Christmas" "Why...do I know you?"

**B **The date is now July 31, 1978 as both Birkin and the ghost of Christmas past are abruptly transported to what looked like the lab in the Arklay mansion. Looking around Birkin noticed his past self at his counting table, counting the many T-virus samples that him and his lab partner were studying.

"Why did you bring us here? I hated working in this stinking lab" "We are here Birkin, to show you how your greediness broke your first love's heart." Birkin's eyes lit up as he thought of his secret love, "Oh no, you don't mean-" He was cut off when a teary eyed none sunglassed Albert Wesker strolled in and walked up to past Birkin, "Birkin please, you've been counting those viruses all night! I get into my work too, but please lets go get a bite to eat" "Leave me alone damnit!!!"

Regular Birkin turned to the ghost, "You guys saw this whole thing?!" "Shhh!" The ghost motioned for Birkin to look back at the conversation, "Please Birkin...do-don't you love me anymore" "The only love I have time for is the love of my viruses! Now be gone with you!!!" Regular Birkin looked at the ghost, "I swear nothing happend between us! I don't even remember this conversation!"

Wesker burst into tears and ran off sobbing the whole way out of the lab. Past Birkin just sneered as Wesker retreated, "God you have sex with a guy once, and suddenly your supposed to be theirs forever" and with that he went back to his viruses.

Regular Birkin looked over to the ghost of Christmas past who had a look of disgust on her face, "Oh come on! Do you know how lonely it gets down here?!" "Thats not why i'm disgusted you twit. Lets go see what Wesker did since you broke his heart.

They poofed to the outside of the lab and watched as a disheveld Wesker curled up into a ball, and sobbed. Then out of nowhere the tears stopped and he looked up, his eyes suddenly becoming cold and evil. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of shades. He slowly slid them over his eyes and then calmly got up and walked off. Birkin just stared as his best friend walked off, "That was the day he started being cold...and started wearing those sunglasses to cover up the pain."

Birkin turned to the ghost with pleading eyes, "Spirit please! I can't take the past anymore. Please take me back to the present please!" "It shall be done" and with that both the spirit and Birkin glowed a soft blue color and then vanished from sight.

**K **Back with Stallone and Krauser they had both arrived at yet another large mansion, nothing like the one Birkin lived in but still pretty friggin big. Walking up to the door they past a driveway filled to the tee with mustangs convertables corvettes and hummers. They both walked up to the door, and Krauser gently knocked on it.

"Who lives here?" but before the angel could answer a butler opened the door and remained silent as he waited for Krauser and Stallone to address why they were here. But Krauser being a dumbass with a short term memory assumed something else, "Cool he can't see, hear, or fell me!!!" he yelled before connecting his fist with the butler's face, shattering his nose and throwing him back into a grandfather clock.

"Krauser!!" Stallone snapped in disbelief, "You dumbass I told you this isn't the fucking Christmas Carol!!!" The sound of an approaching person caught their ears and they looked up to see Albert Wesker in a tennis outfit walk up, "Who the fuck are you!" he yelled and he looked over to see his beloved butler laying in a pool of his own blood next to the Grandfather clock, "Oh my God! How could you do this!!!...Do you even know how much that clock cost?!" He then walked over and kicked his butler, "Jankens get up you idiot. You were keeping score for are tennis match."

"Honey are you coming?" and with that Ada Wong also wearing a tennis outfit including a skirt and a sweater draped around her neck made her appearence. Looking over to Stallone, and Krauser she smiled, "Oh I see we have guests. Wesker don't be so rude. Invite them in so we can have a two on two match" "But dear look what they did" he said pointing towards Jankens who started coughing up blood and leanded against the damaged clock, "Oh my...well that clock was expensive but hey we can always order another one. Now come on in guys" she motioned for them to come inside and so they did closing the door behind them.

**S **A lab door slid open and little Sherry Birkin descended down the steps of that led to her father's basement lab. All her life Sherry wanted to see what kind of things her father had been working on but the lab was off limits and was almost impossible to enter, "Unless you have your dad's security card" Sherry smiled evily as she flashed the security card in front of her before returning it to her pocket and flicking on a light switch at the base of the stairs.

"Ooooooo" Sherry awed at the sight of dozens of test tubes and jars, most with things she couldn't even recognize. She past through isles and isles of the jars looking into each one and marveling at the sight of unhuman eyeballs, fetuses, and most of all huge unformed blobs with veins everywhere.

She walked until she got to the end and looked up the top of a large shelf and was again struck by awe at a single jar at the very top with a lifeform that was actually moving around frantically as if trying to get free from it's glass prison.

Sherry smiled gleefully as she inch by inch climbed up the wooden shelf built into the wall. She finally reached the top and without haste snatched the jar and stared at the pinkish orange blob with amazement that her dad could create a lifeform like this. That is until the shelf gave out under Sherry's weight and she came crashing down with a scream onto the cold hard floor.

The jar smashed a few feet away and out came the blob also known by Resident Evil 2 fans as a G-Type mutant that went squigling off to an unknown location. Watching it go off she sighed and trotted up the stairs and walked over to her mom's purse, "Well might as well I got nothing better to do so might as well blow all my mom's money at Wall-Mart" she said happily and walked out the door and started heading down the street.

**K **The scene sets on the entrance of Ada and Wesker's house where everything is calm and peaceful on this sunny day, _SMASH!!! _"Get the fuck outta my house!!!" This silence was broken by none other then Wesker who at this point in time was chasing both Krauser and Stallone out of his house.

Krauser was now sporting a broken tennis racket around his neck that Wesker smashed over his head in anger, and a black eye to match. Trampling on the butler who hadn't moved since they came in the duo busted through the front door and down the street.

Looking back Krauser screamed as Wesker started to close the gap, a piece of a broken chair in his hands, "Screw this! Were getting the hell out of this world!" Stallone screamed before grabbing Krauser and ascended into the sky and soon they both faded from sight.

Wesker stared confused at what he had just witnessed, looking at the spot they faded away with his natural hazel eyes. About a minute later he grunted before turning around and started to limp towards his mansion the whole time clutching his back in pain.

Back in the current world the scene sets on the apartment building as Stallone gracefully flies through an open window and lands on the floor. That is till a few seconds later Krauser came smashing through a closed window a few feet away and into kitchen table tipping it over.

He groaned in pain but it got worse when Stallone kicked him in the side, "You son of a bitch what were you thinking hitting Wesker with a chair back there?!" "Well hell I always do it when we're playing around, I don't know why he got so pissed!" "Its because Wesker wasn't inhuman in that world dipshit!!! Remember, the mansion incident never accord so he never died and came back to life! You smashed a chair over a normal human back there."

"Hehe it was funny when he got all teary-eyed though" Krauser said happily and Stallone absently chuckled too, "Yeah it was...wait...THATS NOT THE POINT!" Krauser started to get teary-eyed himself and Stallone just sighed and started to walk towards the window, "Look...just get some sleep because we had to cut are trip short so tommorow we are going to have to go back to that world and see how everybody else is coping with your absence. So until then goodnight jackass" he said with venom and flew out the window and to an unknown location (His fucking mansion) while Krauser just sat on the floor with a sigh.

**S **Sherry smiled at the sight of her mom's visa as she made her way to the electronic's department and since it was friday night the store was riddled with Mexicans. After about thirty seconds she walked into the department and went right for the display case that held all of the games. After drooling over Gears of War' for awhile she finally grabbed a copy and walked up to the cashier.

The cashier stared at her, then the game, and back at her again while she gave him the biggest and most innocent grin she could muster, "Um...do you have a parent or guardian with you?" "Uh no is that going to be a problem" "Well yeah if you want the game" "Damn" she muttered under her breath and looked around at the Mexicans to see if she could pay any of them to buy the game for her.

Thats when she heard a loud and reaccuring thud and looked up next to her to see that none other then Barry Burton had walked up to the counter and was now staring at her with cold emotionless eyes. Sherry backed away in fear, the game still in her hands as she continued to lock eyes with the beast, "Hey kid you pay for that here" said the cashier but Sherry seemed to block out his voice as she continued to ever so quickly back away, "Kid you gonna pay for that or what?" and with that Sherry turned around and took off for the exit, completly forgetting that she had the game still in her poessesion.

The cashier glared at her retreating form and then grabbed a red phone next to him, "Security to electronics, security to electronics."

Sherry continued on her way to the door and away from the monster Barry Burton but as she entered the clothing section all the customers seemed to disapeer and everything got a lot quieter. Sherry looked around cautiously with a stern glare on her face. Then as the rooms atmosphere seemed to shift a bunch of ninjas with security guard badges jumped from the many racks of clothing and procedded to surround her.

After less then three seconds Sherry found herself completly surround by the security guard ninjas who each got into their own unique fighting stance and Sherry stood motionless her head hung low and her eyes closed as the ninjas started to come closer towards her. And then all at once Sherry looked up, her eyes becoming fierce and determined.

As the first ninja made his move Sherry tossed the game up in the air and blocked the man's chop before giving her own chop to his neck, and as the next one came up behind her she elbowed him in the gut causing him to topple to his knees. And as he was on all fours Sherry jumped on his back before jumping off, catching the game in mid-air and delievering a powerful kick to another man's chest.

As the main doors came into view she passed the Walmart's subway sandwich restraunt and as she made her made her way parllel of it more ninjas came from the bathroom doors, from under tables, and a few even came out of the buckets of condiments meant to be placed on the sandwichs.

Sherry growled in anger as they advanced to her but thinking quickly she ran over to a cart that an lady was pushing and reached inside to find a long lead pipe the lady was buying to fix her plumbing. Looking over at the ninjas she held the piple like a staff and as they came at her one by one she not only deflected each of their attacks but also returned them with an attack of her own.

After every security guard in the building was either dead or dying Sherry smiled, the game still in her clutches and she actually forgot what she was running from till she saw Barry Burton again in the checkout line and finally procedded out of the store and towards home.

After walking for awhile Sherry sighed, and looked down at the game, "I'm...a criminal" she said depressed and continued down the darkening street.

Chris and Jill were both in their van driving down the road as they continued to talk, "Alright so tommorow night everyone in the Birkin's neighborhood should be out enjoying their evening which gives us the opprotune time to go into the house and get enough of the doctor's research put Umbrella down for good, "Right so how are we going to break in?" "Its easy just-" as they continued to talk they didn't notice Sherry who had her head hung low in shame and so didn't notice them that is until they were about to hit her and Chris looked up, "Hey watch out!!!" he screamed and Jill jammed on the breaks.

Sherry turned her head to the left at the noise of the screeching tires and screamed as the van stopped just inches from her face. Jill put the van in park and stormed out stomping over to Sherry with a fit of rage, "What the hells the matter with you kid you wanna die or something?!" "N-n-n-n-no." Jill sighed and started to feel bad for snapping at the girl, "Alright alright...Merry Christmas" she smiled and Sherry just stared back and looked in the van to see Chris also smiling friendly, which caused Sherry to gasp slightly at the sight of Claire's older brother and Chris put on a confused look.

Jill trotted back to the van and got in, "I don't like how that kid looked at me" Chris started, "And I could have sworn I just saw her somewhere recently" "Really? You think it was one of the kids from the Birkin neighborhood?" "Maybe...I think we should follow her home." Jill nodded in agreement and put the van in drive.

Sherry started walking home, her head full of thoughts, why was Chris near her neighborhood, who was that scary lady,...was Gears of War's online play really that good. She also could have sworn she saw that van parked out in front of her house the other day. Her thoughts were put a sight when she heard the soft rumbling of an engine, and looked behind her to see the same van with Jill, and Chris behind the wheel whistling innocently.

Sherry took a few more second to glance before continuing on her walk, but still heard the same rumbling and glanced back to see that the van was ever so slightly moving which indicated they were indeed following her. Sherry's heart started to pound as she started to walk faster, and faster before breaking out into an all out sprint!

"Go go go!" yelled Chris as Jill put more pressure onto the gas pedal and was soon only a few feet behind the frantic girl. As they passed into the center of the city and through an intersection a speeding black sedan jammed on it's breaks as it slammed into the side of the van, jolting Chris, and Jill violently.

The owner of the black sedan kicked open his door so violently that it went flying off the hinges and skidding down the street. He then procedded to the van he smashed into, his black sunglasses slighly scuffed from the airbag, "I am not in the mood for this shit!" he yelled before throwing open the passenger door to the van.

Chris looked over to see a seriously pissed off Wesker, "So Wesker we meet aga-AAH!" he yelled as he was forcebly snatched out of the van and dragged to the front where he started to recieve a painful beating from the blonde, "You son of a bitch! You don't know what kind of shit I had to go through to get money and now I have to pay for this crap!"

"You! _KICK_ Better! _SMACK _Have! _POW _Good! _STOMP _Insurance!" Sherry silently thanked Wesker as she continued on her way home, the full moon at it's brightest.

Its was now about 10:30 and Sherry really didn't feel liking pwning anymore noobs on Gears so after dressing in her unicorn pajamas she slipped into bed. Today was one disaster after another, the lab accident, stealing from Wal-mart, and getting chased by Claire's older brother. She sighed and looked over to her nightstand and tears started to form in her eyes as she layed eyes on a picture of herself her mom and her dad.

Sniffling a bit she stared at the picture of the three of them smiling for the camera while at the park, "Mom...dad...I miss you guys...wherever you are...I hope your safe." With that she sobbed silently as she drifted off to sleep.

**K **Krauser sighed as he layed down on the couch, to tired from today's events to go sleep in his bunk bed or to even remove his clothes so he layed down combat boots and all and gave a frustrated sigh as he too went into a troubled sleep.

**B **Birkin fell onto a cold hard floor with an ow, but soon look as the ghost of Christmas past started to turn a faded blue color, and pointed a stern finger at the scientist, "Be warned William Birkin. This was just a taste of what is in store for you. It is easy to handle the past but how will you do when you must handle your present and your future. Well William Birkin this is where I bid you farwell, the next ghost will come for you tommorow!" she said as she faded into nothingness.

Birkin groaned at this predicement but suddenly realized he wasn't at his house even though the room was pitch black . He thought back to the movie 'A Christmas Carol' and remembered the ghosts always transported you back to the place where they first transported you, "So that would mean." He stopped his sentence short as he flicked on a lightswitch and was greeted by the sight of the Dairy Queen he tryed to rob earlier, this time with police tape, and a chalk outline of the person he shot.

He walked over to the door to leave _RUMBLE RUMBLE_, "...Shit" he muttered as the door was locked. Yep he was stuck inside a Dairy Queen for the night.

**W **Wesker arrived at his apartment at about 11:30 and thanked the tow truck driver for giving him a ride home before heading in and up to his apartment. Opening the door he walked over the closet and placed the bag containing his Santa outfit inside and out of view so Ada wouldn't find it.

Giving a sigh that tommorow he was going to be doing the same old same old he walked over to the couch ready to fall asleep until he realized that another person was already occupying it. Wesker smiled at a sleeping Krauser who had a little bit of drool coming out of the side of his mouth as he snored away.

He was happy the big bafoon was alright after what Ada said about him not being here for awhile and decided he would just go sleep in his bunk bed.

Slowly opening the bedroom door Wesker silently took of his glasses and boots before undressing to his T-shirt and underwear and crept over to the bunks, but before he could climb the ladder he noticed how cute Ada looked as she innocently slept on the bottom bunk. He wordlessly apologized for abandoning her like he did and gently stroked her hair before sighing and climbed up to the top bed and soon drifted off to sleep.

Ada's eyes soon after drifted open, staring aimlessly at the wall with a look of deep hurt and sadness. After a few minutes of listening to Wesker's soft breathing she finally closed her eyes and this time really fell asleep.

The scene sets on various locations, Sherry hugging the pillows tight as tears still nip at her eyes, William sleeping roughly on the front counter of the Dairy Queen, using his own lab coat as a pillow, Annette and the landlord both asleep from their hard work in opposite sides of the sleigh snoring loudly, Krauser laying on the couch the little slip of drool making its way to the floor, and finally of Wesker and Ada both sleeping sadly on both of the bunks.

The scene starts to fade out until the sound of a grandfather clock making noise in the distance reaches 12 and a single golden cat eye slips open to stare at the ceiling.

Christmas Eve.

_Author's Notes: Well there you have it another Christmas Chapter...in August. Hope you guys noticed that all of the parts with Sherry in it were actual parts from Home Alone...except the ninjas at Wal-mart...and the car accident...and the crying. Well anyway I hope you can still get into the story even though it is actually closer to the next Christmas then of the one i'm writing about. More irony is after the next chapter comes the Valentines Day chapter...I know I'm a slow author. So hey thanks for reading it was a long chapter and I hope you could understand it all._ _Please leave a review._


	16. Christmas Chaos part 4

House of the Idiots Chapter 16

_Author's Notes: Holy Crap its been months since I completed a chapter of this story and now I end up uploading a chapter that is probably the size of three of them. This should probably be read in more then one sitting, but I assure you its great even though its about...Christmas...on June 1st. Its ironic because I uploaded the last chapter a week before I started school, and now I'm uploading the next chapter a week before I end school. Oh well I was just gonna scrap the Christmas chapter till next year but then I said the hell with it. Also if your new I suggest reading House of the Idiots from the beginning or at least I highly recommend starting with the first Chrismas chapter or I guarantee that you will have NO idea what the hell is going on here. So anyway thanks for all the favs and reviews and I promise to make another chapter ASAP. Now tap into that small amount of Christmas spirit you have left because here is the final Christmas chapter of House of the Idiots._

Two groggy cat eyes started to flutter open. The occupant's vision was blurry as he tried to focus his eyes. As they came into focus he started to notice a metal circle inches from his face. When they fully focused he realized it was the barrel of a revolver aimed point blank at his head by a very angry Asian lady, "...Aaaada?...What are you doing?" he asked trying to keep his voice as calm as possible. Ada cocked the gun back and held it firmly in place, "Oh nothing. Just making sure there are no more secrets to come between us." Wesker realized from the sound of her voice that she must of gone completly insane, "Um...Ada could you put the gun down please?" "No I don't think so Wesker."

Ada was just about to pull the trigger when none other then the ghost of Sylvester Stallone came through the window, "Ah yo is Krauser up yet?" Ada turned towards the angel who just flew through her window and smiled, "Oh no i'm sorry he isn't" "But you can go grab a beer in the fridge while you wait" Wesker chimed in with a friendly tone. "Well thanks guys don't mind if I do" he replied as he walked out of the room and towards the kitchen. Ada turned back to Wesker, gun still pointed, "Such a nice man" "Yeah he is...Wait?" they both said in unison as their eye's both widened.

A minute later they put everything aside and were now hiding behind a chair as they stared into the kitchen. "Where the hell do you think he came from?" Wesker asked, "The hell if I know. All I know is he flew through are fucking window and is looking for Krauser" "Hmn...maybe we should just wait and see if he is here to kill him." Ada smacked him on the back of the head and they continued their surveillance until Stallone emerged, a beer in his hands.

William Birkin's eyes slowly opened from slumber and he could immediatly feel the pain in his back from sleeping on the hard surface that was the local Dairy Queen's front counter. He noticed how unusually bright it was for it being closed but it didn't matter as his half-opened eyes slowly closed again, but it looked like sleep would evade him again, "Order up!" he heard someone scream and his eyes opened, fully widened as he sat up on the counter and realized that the store wasn't closed at all.

It was actually full of customers all who really didn't give him any attention, except for the young zitfaced teen standing behind the counter, "Mr. Anderson you were wrong. He is still alive" he yelled back to his manager with a squeaky tone. Birkin didn't waste any time getting the hell outta there. But he wasn't really sure of where to go. He didn't want to go home in fear of those damn ghosts being there. That's when he thought of Wesker's place and took off running.

BAM BAM screamed the barrel of the revolver as Ada squeezed it relentlessly. Stallone was running around the apartment screaming, Wesker was throwing things at him, and Krauser was still sleeping on the couch, "Get the hell out of here demon spawn!" Ada screamed as he chased Stallone around the couch, "What the hell?! You offer me a drink and then try to waste my ass!"

As the screaming and gunshots continued a light knock was heard at the door and Krauser's eyes opened slightly, "Damn door" he muttered as he got up not taking any notice to what was going on and headed over to it.

Opening it he found a disheveled Birkin behind the door, "Nerdo what the hell happened to you? You looked like you slept on the front counter of a Dairy Queen" "How di-...you know what forget it, is Wesker her-" he was cut off when a bullet whizzed by his head, "Ahh what the hell?!" he screamed and Krauser turned around and finally realized what was going on, "Oh shit!" he screamed and ran over to the trio.

After about twenty minutes of explaining all five were now sitting in the living room, "So...your telling me this guy is an angel here to show you a world where you never existed?" Wesker said not really buying it. Krauser shook his head in agreement, "Uh huh he already showed me how you guys turn out" "How was it?" "Well you guys were all filthy stinking rich with no worries in the world" "Reeeealy" Ada mused silently reloading her revolver.

Krauser saw this, "Uuuuh I mean you guys all lived in the slums and were miserable. Anyway I think its time for us to be going" he said as him and Stallone walked out the door. "Actually Ada I think its time for me to go too" Wesker muttered and Ada turned towards him, noticing that he was holding the same red bag as before. "You...gonna be ok with that?" Ada's eyebrow started to twitch and she released a big sigh, "Suuure Wesker. Let me help you get to work."

Annette and the licker landlord were snoring loudly on opposite sides of a big red sleigh. Annette a little bit more comfortable because she seemed to of found a pillow in her sleep and was now laying face down on it. The landlord was having a dream about eating ice cream and was licking Annette's foot with his long tongue.

Annette giggled slightly as her foot continued to be licked and eventually it became to much and she slowly opened her eyes to come face to face with her 'pillow', "Aaaaah!" she screamed and pulled away from the licker's exposed brain, "Gross you asshole!" she screamed and smacked the thing across the face.

"Ow!" the landlord yelled and fell out of the sleigh. Standing up he looked noticed Annette vomiting over the other side of the sleigh, "Well good morning to you too sunshine."

Sherry sighed as she walked down the street about a block away from the apartment building. She still had no idea where her parents were, was being stalked by Claire's brother and his girlfriend, and was now a criminal. "Then again Gears of War was pretty good online so I guess thats something to be happy about" she muttered.

Not watching where she was going as she passed the apartment she didn't notice a large form laying on the sidewalk before she tripped over it. She yelped and turned around finding a man with blond hair, and a black suit laying face down in an indent of pavement, "Wesker? How did you get down there on the sidewalk?"

"I was thrown out a 32 story window by a crazy Asian bitch in a red dress. Hey wheres my ba-" _SMACK _Wesker's question was cut short when a large red bag made contact with the back of his head. "Oooh that has to hurt. By the way do you know where my parents are?"

Wesker pulled himself from the indent and got back on his feet, but was stumbling around in a dazed confusion, "Why no Mr. Potato head. But if I do see them i'll give you a ring on my banana phone" he muttered as he stumbled away with the bag in tow. Sherry just sighed and walked the opposite way towards a location out in the suburbs.

Krauser and Stallone were now located on the roof of the apartment building where it began to lightly snow. "Ok Krauser lets get to flyin" but as they were about to fly off Birkin's voice echoed in the background, "Hey Krauser wait up!" Krauser sighed as he turned around, "The hell you want nerdo? I'm kinda busy."

"Well you see i'm looking for a place to go that's not my house, and since Wesker was just thrown from a window I was wondering if maybe I can...go with you guys?" Krauser turned towards Stallone who gave a slight nod, and quickly turned back to William, "Fine nerdo you can go" he sighed and Stallone walked over to Birkin and threw some flying dust on him, "_Cough Cough!_What the hell is this for?" "Oh you'll see nerdo, you'll see."

Annette got over her nausea and was now making the final touches on her sled when he she heard screaming coming from outside. Looking out the window she noticed three flying forms one of which seemed to be her husband, "William?!" At the same time Sherry who was walking down the street and heard the same yelling. Turning around she was met with the same sight, "Daddy?!"

"AAAAAAAAAH Oh my God i'm gonna die i'm gonna die!" William continued screaming as he flapped his arms like an idiot, much to Krauser's enjoyment, "Hehehe how do you like it nerdo?" "Fuck you! Get me down now!" But the screaming faded off as the trio disappeared into the clouds and into the parallel universe.

Wesker crawled through the front entrance of the mall, a bottle of whiskey in his hands and wearing his Santa suit. Mumbling incoherently he stumbled to his feet and waltzed towards his throne. Halfway there an angry midget in an elf costume came running up to him, "What the hell buddy?! Your an hour late." "Oh fuck off lawn gnome!" Wesker yelled and smashed the bottle over his head.

Everyone in the store looked at him in utter shock but Wesker ignored him and stumbled up to the throne and sat down. A shy little boy was brought over and made to sit on Wesker's lap. Wesker looked down at the scared kid and forced a smile, "Ho-Ho-BLAAAA!" Wesker screamed as he vomited all over the kid's head. The kid got up and ran away screaming. Wesker just leaned back in his chair and passed out.

William Birkin opened his eyes to the sight of a clear blue sky as Stallone, Krauser, and himself finally passed through the clouds. Looking down he noticed they were over the White House, "Why in the hell are we here?" Krauser looked over to Stallone also wondering this, "We are here to see what one of Krauser's closest ex-friends is holding up without him."

"No I mean why are we over the White House when they clearly have a no flight zone." Stallone's eyes widened when suddenly a barrage of bullets and anti-air shells whizzed past them. They all started screaming before a shell burst right between the three and down they went free falling from shell-shock and landed right through the roof of the White House and into the Lincoln bedroom.

As the dust cleared and Krauser's senses came back he got to his feet and moaned, "God that hurt" Krauser muttered holding his head, "You alright nerdo?" William just groaned from his place on the floor. Krauser looked around, "Hey wheres Stallone?" he asked but didn't have time to search as loud footsteps were heard outside the door and three special agents dressed in black suits, sunglasses, earpieces, and slicked back hair, "Freeze!" Krauser held his hands up high, "Wow looks like I found the perfect job for Wesker" he muttered as he noticed their appearances.

The three agents were standing right below the hole in the roof when suddenly Stallone who was on the roof the whole time jumped down and snapped all three of their necks from the back, "Rambo bitches!" Krauser's eyes widened, "Damn Stallone nice job" "Both of you hurry up and put on their suits."

About two minutes later all three were dressed in the snazzy suits except Krauser seemed to have a hunchback, "Krauser...your supposed to take the guy out of the suit before you put it on" Birkin muttered, "Eww i'm not undressing a guy, thats weird" "Yeah and I'm sure no one will think that the Hunchback of Notre Dame working as a secret service agent is weird at all" "Fine" he whined and Krauser shook the guy loose before all three exited the bedroom and walked down the White House hallway.

"So who are we looking for anyway?" Krauser asked, "Don't you remember? This is where you and Leon were stationed" "Leon?! That stupid little pretty boy? Why the hell would I want to see how good his life is doing without me?" "Quite the contrary Krauser, seems without you his life is a living hell."

They soon came to one of the many bedrooms used to house the many employees of the mansion. Peeking inside they saw Leon Kennedy sitting in a chair at the corner of room, a blank look on his face. His eyes were widened yet glazed over, his hair was a wreck, and drool was coming from the side of his widened mouth as he sat their motionless.

On the bed bouncing up and down and shouting like a maniac was none other then Ashley Graham,"SoLeonWhatAreWeGoingToDoTodayWhatsYourFavoriteColorYouWannaPlayTeaPartyIsItCoolGettingToHoldAGun?!" she ranted on endlessly as the trio stared wide-eyed from the doorway.

"How the hell did I cause this?" Krauser asked. "Simple, you never kidnapped Ashley for Saddler so Leon never got a break from her. So he sits there everyday as Ashley's bodyguard as he goes deeper and deeper into insanity.

The trio looked back as they noticed Leon move slightly as he reached into his pocket and pulled something out. "LetsGoSeeAMovieDoYouLikeRomanceMoviesILoveRomanceMovi-"_BAM BAM BAM! _Ashley's rant was cut short when three bullets from a Blacktail went through her head and knocked her off the bed onto the floor.

The trio stared shocked at Ashley's dead body then to Leon's face as he gave a slight smile before breaking out into a maniacle laughter. But just as suddenly as it began it ended when Leon aimed the Blacktail at his own head and pulled the trigger.

"Leon no!" Krauser screamed and ran over to Leon's side, "Wake up Leon please wake up...I was supposed to do that to you!" He got up and turned to Stallone, "Damn't Stallone everything you show me seems to be better off with me gone then here. I mean Wesker and Ada are happily married, the Birkins own Umbrella, Raccoon City was never destroyed, and best yet my nemesis is dead! What the hell is the point of me living?!"

Stallone must of popped a bloodvessel cause he suddenly went into a violent rage, "You want the truth Krauser?! I have no friggin idea why you should be alive! It seems all the pain and sufferage over the years has all been caused by you. I just have to do this for community service cause I can't control my fucking temper!" "Can anybody fill me in on the part where my family owns Umbrella?" Birkin chimed in and recieved a knockout punch from Stallone, "Shut up Birkin!...Oh my God its happining again! Its the cocktail waitress incident all over again!"

The screaming and gunshots must of caught some attention cause at the other end of the hall were a bunch of guards running towards them, "Stop those guys!" one screamed as they continued their pursuit.

"Damn Krauser hurry up and carry Birkin we have to get out of here...Krauser?" "Whats this 'we' stuff" Krauser asked with venom in his voice. "The way I see it I have no reason to be alive so I guess i'll just get in your way" "Krauser I-" "No theres no need to say anything else. You can get out by yourself" and with that Krauser ran down an adjacent hall leaving a guilty Stallone and unconscious Birkin.

Stallone didn't have much time though and quickly scooped up Birkin and ran the other way.

Wesker's eyes slowly opened and he realized he was in the mall manager's office. Looking down he noticed the dryed vomit on his suit and glass shards in his hand from smashing the bottle. He was about to get up and go when he heard a voice behind him, "Well I hope your proud of yourself!" Into view came the mall manager, a well built African American man in a dress shirt and tie.

"Look Mr. Norman I know I messed up, but I've just been having personal problems at home and-" "Personal problems don't make up for vomiting on a little boy which happend to be the mayor's grandson!" "Oh...shit. Well I guess I'm fired huh?" "Oh quite the contrary Albert. Thanks to your little stunt we are getting sued out are asses. And since you don't have enough money to pay for the suet your going to be working here for a long time."

Wesker looked at him confused, "A long time? Christmas is tomorrow, how can I be Santa after Christmas" "Oh we happen to have an opening for an Easter Bunny in the Spring" "Shit" Wesker muttered under his breath. "Now get your ass back down there. And thank Chris Kringle for dragging your unconscious ass to the detox center and then taking over the Santa position while you were out." Wesker rose from his seat, muttering things along the lines of hating that Kringle guy as he walked out the door.

Wesker stomped towards Kringle who was at this point listening to a loud boy's Christmas list. Kringle looked up to see Wesker and smiled, "Well my friend how are we feeling?" "Sigh Look Kringle...it was really nice what you did for me earlier, and I...I guess I'm trying to say" Suddenly the little boy sitting on Chris's lap chimed in, "Gasp Two Santas?!" the boy screamed in confusion, "Fuck off kid!" Wesker screamed causing the boy to run away. Afterwards Wesker turned back to Kringle, "I guess i'm trying to say...thanks."

Kringle managed a smile even after Wesker yelled at the boy, "Your welcome Wesker. It was a pleasure and I-" "Yeah sure no problem Kringle, now look I need you to do me one more favor. Since all my paychecks from now on are going to a lawsuit I need you to watch my post for a few minutes while a make a quick stop to two of the stores." Kringle just nodded his head in approval and Wesker sadly walked off towards the SunglassHut.

Sherry Birkin finally arrived at the place she was searching for all day. The snow at this time was about four inches high and was still rising as Sherry walked through a pair of large wooden doors. As she stepped in candle light set a soft glow to the wooden interior and a choir sung songs at the front. Dipping her hand into a bowl of holy water she made the sign of the cross before fully stepping into the church.

She chose a seat in the middle and instantly got down on her knees, "God? If your listening can you please make my parents come back home, I really miss them and-Hey! Can you guys shut the hell up for a second?!" she screamed at the choir who instantly stopped but then started to sing very lowly. "Anyway please make them come back home, Amen." She turned right as she was about ready to get up and leave when her eyes widened and her breath got caught in her chest. There sitting one row over and two rows back was none other then Barry Burton who just stared at her before making a motion to get up.

Sherry was too frozen to move as Barry walked into her row and sat down next to her. She wished she brought her mom's mace until Barry spoke, "Merry Christmas." Sherry put on a confused look as Barry smiled warmly, "Look I know there are a lot of rumors going around about me, but none of its true." Sherry seemed to relax a little bit but still kept up her guard.

"You want to know the real reason i'm here? Them." he pointed to the choir at two young girls who were obviously sisters and were both singing happily. "There my daughters Moira and Polly. Everyone thinks I killed them and my wife cause they don't live with me anymore and seemed to have disappered. The real reason is because I moved them to Canada in order to keep them safe from Umbrella" "Umbrella?" Sherry asked wondering what this had to do with the company her parents worked for, "Yeah Umbrella, and I know your parents work for it but I'm not angry with them or you so you don't have to worry about that."

Sherry now seemed completely relaxed now that she seemed to see the real side of Barry. But suddenly Barry's eyes shone with fear, "Oh no I almost forgot. I tried to warn you at Wal-Mart yesterday but you took off. Tonight at nine my friends Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine are going to try and break into your home and destroy your father's lab and the rest of your house. I tried to tell them it was a bad idea but they wouldn't listen. Go, go and stop them anyway you can." His voice was in panic and Sherry instantly rose from her seat and headed to the door, but as she opened it she looked back and gave a slight nod to Barry who then returned it, and with that she was gone.

Annette looked out the window of the landlord's apartment located on the top floor. It was about 6:00 and the sun was just about to set over the distant buildings, which made Annette smile evily. Turning around she was happy gaze upon her ultimate creation which was her giant sleigh with which she is planning to steal Christmas with.

She turned to the landlord who was looking over her blueprints, "Isn't it brilliant? I used the toughest metal in order to make it the sturdiest sleigh and with enough cargo space to hold almost all of the city's presents." She began to laugh but the landlord just stared confused at the blueprints, "Um Annette I don't see any engines or anything on this blueprint. How do you make it go?" Annette's laugh automatically came to a stop and her eyes widened.

The landlord caught on to this, "Are you telling me we just spent the last 24 hours building a metal sleigh with no way of moving itself? How the hell did you think you were going to move it?" Annette blushed madly at her stupidity, "Alright alright I can fix this ok. Ok since we don't have any material for engines I guess we are going to need to think of some way of riding up the side of the building Maybe we can get something sticky to pull it."

The landlord just laughed amused, "Well I don't see spiderman around so what else are we going to use?" Annette started thinking to herself, 'I just need a B.O.W. of some kind, like an enforcer, or a hunter, or a...licker" she smiled evily as she locked eyes with the landlord who was in fact at this time a licker.

The landlord's eyes widened and he started to back up, "Um Annette? Why are you staring at me like that, Annette?" She back him into a corner and came an inch within his face as she whispered, "I need a reindeer...and I think I know just where to get one."

Stallone was flying through the air of Washington D.C. trying to search for Krauser. He still had Birkin thrown over his shoulder as he flew past the Lincoln memorial and was heading past the Washington memorial when he noticed something sitting on the very top of the tall and skinny structure.

Landing on the top of it he placed Birkin on the corner of it and put a hand on Krauser's shoulder, "Krauser?" Krauser just shrugged off his shoulder and continued to sit on the ledge of the monument and look out over D.C. as the sun began to set. Stallone just gave a big sigh, "Look...Krauser I'm sorry buddy. I let my temper get the best of me, and I never meant what I said about you not deserving to live."

Stallone didn't receive a response and gave a sigh before turning around but was stopped when Krauser decided to speak, "My whole life I always wanted to make a difference in the world, and a while back I would have been proud for it to have been a negative one. But after the incident in Spain my whole prospective changed. And in the past two days I've realized thats all I've ever been was a negative difference, and that's without even trying. Your right Stallone, I don't deserve to live after all the lives I've wrecked for just being there."

"Oh come on Krauser, man up!" Krauser was suprised at the voice Stallone used. It wasn't hateful like before but more of an autoritative voice like the voice of his former drill instructor, "You have to quit feeling sorry for yourself and just say fuck the past! Stop worrying about past mistakes and start worrying about mistakes you see coming in the future! Now stand up soldier, we are going home!" "Yes Sir!" Krauser screamed as he stood up straight and saluted.

Stallone saluted back and a moment was held between the two before they both heard a quick sliding noise and looked over to see nothing where Birkin was just laying a second ago. Krauser's eyes widened as he heard a thud a few seconds later and he turned to Stallone in a panic, "Eh i'm sure hes fine."

Sherry Birkin dashed through the thickening blanket of snow as the snow as a blizzard seemed to insue. Finally reaching her house she dashed through the front door, closing behind her and looked at the clock. The numbers 6:30 shone brightly in a digital green and Sherry brought herself together to think of what to do. As she was running to the house her first thought was the police. However remembering the shady things in her dad's lab and the fact that Chris and Jill were trying to do good in a bad way would probably hurt her more then them.

She didn't have any guns or anything and she really didn't want to mortally wound Claire's brother and risk losing her friendship. Maybe she could lead them into a trap of some kind, or maybe a series of them. It was worth a shot and she quickly ran into the kitchen, grabbed a piece of paper, and began to draw up a map of the house.

After that was done she started to think of possible traps to place around the house. The front and back doors were a must, and she would have to do something about the windows. She thought of a safe zone she could go to if things got rough and remembered the treehouse in the back of Barry Burton's yard. Soon she was drawing all sorts of traps including ones for the stairs, the dining room, and the kitchen. She also drew up a trap for the lab in case they somehow got by the security system.

She put down her crayons and smiled at her blueprints. Sure they were a little childess and reminded her of the game Mouse Trap but they could virtually work. She had only two and a half hours to set everything up and she quickly got up from her seat and ran to the garage to gather the materials she needed.

Out in the middle of the city if you could see up to the top of a skyscraper through the snowy night sky, you would see a huge sleigh going being pulled up the side of the building by a licker with a red ball for a nose and two antlers jammed into his head.

The landlord licker whined and cried as he relentlesly pulled the sleigh as Annette laughed from the sleigh's seat, dressed in Santa attire, "Ahahaha! Come on Rudolph we got the whole city to go through! Ahahaha!" The licker landlord just continued to use his sticky appendages to rapple up the wall, "Fuck my life."

William Birkin, Jack Krauser, and Sylvestor Stallone landed silently on the roof of the apartment complex back in the normal world. Krauser smiled to Stallone, "Thank you Stallone, you taught me life is worth living, even if it is just for myself" "Eh no problem Krauser it was my pleasure, and only 89 more hours of community service."

Krauser laughed until the moment was ruined by Birkin, "You guys know why my head hurts so much?" "Shut up nerdo. Hey Stallone you wanna stay for some hot chocolate?" Stallone just nodded, "Sure i'd love some" that is until Stallone's beeper started going off, "Ah damnit they need me for my next community service assignment. Some chump needs to be taught to be generous, i'll see you guys later."

With that Stallone dissapered but suddenly reappeared three feet away next to Birkin, "Oooo I am the ghost of Christmas present and I-" When he finally realized he was in the same place he just looked at Birkin, "Ah hell what do you say we just drink some coco and say I showed you how to be generous?" Birkin nodded and all three walked into the building.

A beat up van pulled out in front of the Birkin's house, inside Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine stared at the clock which read 9:00 PM. Jill lit a cigarette and smiled at Chris, "Looks like its time to pay Birkin a visit." Chris nodded and they both got out of the van and approached the house from the back.

Inside Sherry panted heavily as she just finished the last trap until she heard footsteps crunching in the snow and ran over to the back door. Reaching into her pocket she pulled out the first of two defense weapons her mother used, which was a tazer gun. Hearing a gentle knocking Sherry got on her knees and slowly opened the doggy door her dad installed awhile back when attempting to raise a Hunter as a pet.

Jill knocked on the door again, "Open up kid. We know your in there and all alone" "Yeah kid open up, its Santa Clause and his elf." They both laughed evily until Sherry pulled the trigger firing the tazer coils full force into Chris's balls, "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Chris screamed in agony as his genitaliy recieved an unbelievibly painful jolt and fell onto the ground.

Jill looked at the little wire coming from the doggy door and just stared in confusion, "What the hell?" Getting on her knees she stuck her head through the little door to come face to face with the second defense weapon, a can of mace, "Hello" Sherry smiled as she aimed the can at Jill's face.

Staring at Sherry Jill tried to give the most innocent smile she could muster but not good enough to stop Sherry from realeasing a long spray right into her eyes, "AAAAAAAHHHH damnit!" she screamed as she retracted her head and fell down into the snow next to Chris as the pair both squirmed in pain.

"Yes!" Sherry shouted in satisfaction as she took off running to her next trap.

Ada sniffled slightly as she walked towards the kitchen to maker herself some tea. Some Christmas this turned out to be. She was by herself, which was actually how she spent every other Christmas so she guessed it wasn't that much of a change. But this year she was really looking forward to it. Stepping into the kitchen she was suprised to see Birkin, Stallone, and Krauser all sitting at the small table sipping cocoa, "Hey Ada whats up?" Krauser asked happily. Ada wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled back, "Hey guys, hows it going...is Wesker here?" "Uh no he isn't Ada, sorry" Krauser said sadly as he knew how sad she had been over the past few days. Then Krauser thought of something that might cheer her up, "But I am sure that he is probably getting you a present right now." Ada didn't believe that but she just sat down at the table her head on her hand and smiled to Krauser, "You think so?" "Sure!"

Thats when Ada thought to herself. The whole time she was being selfess from not getting any attention that she forgot to care about other people. Wesker deserved something nice, even if he was acting like a jerk. Plus she needed something to do and the mall was still open for another hour or two.

Getting up she grabbed her coat and headed to the door, "Where ya goin Ada?" Stallone asked, as Krauser seemed to pay more attention to something that was happening out the window, "To go spread some holiday cheer and with that she shut the door as Krauser tapped Birkin's shoulder, "What?" "...Is that your wife climbing the building across the street?"

Annette and the landlord finally made it to the top of the large building right across the street from the apartments that the landlord owned. Annette grabbed the large sack from the back of the sleigh and walked over to her accomplice, "Ok I'm gonna go into this building and stop Christmas from ever coming for them, you stay here and watch the sleigh ok?" The landlord nodded and Annette walked through the door of the roof and into the apartments below.

It was only ten minutes later that Annette ran through the door not carrying a sack. The landlord looked at her confused, "Wheres the presents?" "...Presents? What presents" "The ones you went in their to steal. The reason you brought that sack in with you" Annette just gave a confused glare, "That sack wasn't for stealing their stuff, it was full of C4. I planted it throughout the entire building" "WHAT?!" "The hell did you think I was gonna do? Go through every home in the entire city and steal their Christmas stuff? That would take forever and we don't even have enough space in the sleigh for one Christmas tree. Its alot easier to just blow up whole buildings at once."

The landlord couldn't believe what he was hearing. He thought he was an accomplace to robbery but now it turned out he was an accomplace to the genocide of the entire city. Annette just groaned as she hopped into the sleigh, "Look we don't have time for this, we have to leave. Now fly!" "Fly? I can't fly, we climbed up here" "Well we better think of something fast because those explosives only have a three minute timer.

Back outside the Birkin's resident Jill was icing off her eyes as Chris iced off his genitals from the painful attacks they just recieved by a little kid. "I'm gonna skin that kid alive!" screamed Jill as she stood up and kicked Chris in the side, "Get up Chris! You take the side and i'll take the front!" With that the duo took off in diffrent directions to see if they could find a way into the house.

Walking to the front Jill stepped up the stairs to the door and immediatly when flying back on her ass. Sitting up she growled, "Little runt put marbles under the doormat." Getting up and avoiding the marbles Jill reached for the doorknob which had a big B for Birkin.

On the inside of the house Sherry splashed some chemicals onto the other side of the handle causing it to super heat. On the outside Jill slipped again on one of the marbles and falling forward caused her forehead to make contact with the B. Jill screamed in pain as her forhead sizzled and when she pulled back she had the B etched right on her head.

"Ah you little bitch i'm coming in!" she screamed and kicked open the door in turn setting off a trap that had the rest of the chemical fall onto her head. Once again she screamed and jumped outside, dunking her head into the snow. When she raised her head again she had big clumps of hair missing.

On the side of the house Chris was surprised to see that one of the windows was cracked open, "Hehehe too easy" he muttered and crept over to it. Sherry just got done placing a trap in front of the window and saw Chris's shadow approaching.

Quickly she got up and ran away as Chris lifted his leg over the ledge and placed it on the floor inside, **CLAMP! **Chris's eyes widened as he stepped directly into a bear trap, "AAAAAAH!"

Jill saw this from the front door and stared a Chris, "Chris?" "Jill?" "Why the hell do you have a bear trap on your foot?" "Why the hell do you have a B implanted on your forehead?" Suddenly they saw Sherry running up the stairs, "There she is get her!"

Sherry dashed up the stairs as Jill dragged Chris who was whimpering from the pain in his foot, to the base of the stairs, "We're coming up!" she screamed and first ran up herself only to have a cinder-block attached to a piece of rope come down and smack her in the head.

"Damnit!" she screamed as she flew down next to Chris. Chris finally had the strength to get up and started up the stairs until yet another cinderblock came down and knocked out a few teeth.

Wesker sat on his throne at the mall. With no kids in sight to take wishes from Wesker gave a sigh as he surprisingly didn't have his glasses on. Suddenly from a store at the corner of the mall walked in a girl wearing a long red coat, with red boots and earmuffs.

Wesker's eyes widened as he watched as Ada came up and he was sure for certain that she had found out and was here to expose him, but what she said next shot down that idea all together, "Hey Santa" she almost whispered, her head hung low, "Mind if I make a Christmas wish?"

Wesker just stammered and finally let out a deep jolly "Sure!" and then allowed her to sit on his lap. "So...what can I get you for Christmas little girl?" Ada took a big sigh and still looked down at the ground, "I just...wanted to wish that I could tell a special someone that I'm sorry for acting so selfish, and that I care about him."

Wesker pretty much knew who she was talking about but didn't want to break character just yet, "And why would you like to apologize to him?" "Well I was being selfish trying to uncover a secret he wanted to cover up, and I almost killed him to do that, and for that I wanted to say I'm sorry, but...I don't think he is gonna ever come back after the way I treated him, firing a gun at him, throwing him from a building, poisoning his food." Wesker's eyes widened when she said the last one but he decided to let it go for now.

Ada was close to tears but Wesker patted her on the back, "I'm sure he is just as sorry for all sorts of things he does. I'm sure he gets into trouble at times and needs you to help bail him out" "Yeah...your right. Funny its like you know him so well" "Yeah hehehe how about that."

Ada still looked sad as she continued to stare at the floor, "Look sir...I know this is childish and that you would rather be at home your own family-" "Actually. There is nowhere else I would rather be right now" he said warmly in his actual voice which caused Ada to look up for the first time and notice Wesker's cat-like eyes, "Wesker" she whispered in disbelief as Wesker held up a small black box, "Merry Christmas Ada."

Ada stared at the box and then at Wesker before giving him a big hug, "Oh Wesker i'm sorry for-" "Nothing to be sorry for, just open your present." Ada took the box and slowly opened it revealing the ruby choker that Wesker had worked so hard to get, "Oh...Wesker...Its...beautiful" he studdered as she couldn't express in words how amazed she was that someone would get her such an extravagent gift.

After putting it on she looked back up into Wesker's eyes as their lips started getting closer, and closer, and clo-" they were cut off when an enormous rumbling followed by a loud explosion was heard from outside the mall, "What in the hell?!" Wesker yelled both in confusion from what made the noise and that it interupted them.

Krauser, Stallone, and Birkin all screamed as they watched in horror while the large skyscraper located across the street from them was engulfed in a huge fireball, causing debris and embers to come cascading at the room they were in.

Krauser, thinking fast flipped the table on it's side and pulled both Stallone and Birkin down as the debris of gurders, concrete, and burning plaster came crashing through the apartment busting the TV, tables, and setting Wesker's couch on fire.

They thought it was all over until the screams of two people could be heard getting closer, and closer until Annette and the landlord came flying into the room and landing on one of the already broken coffee tables.

Sherry could have sworn she felt the ground shake as she continued her way through her house the two idiots close behind her. The attic stairs were in sight as Chris closed in on her and as she started to make her climb Chris dove forward and grabbed her ankle, "I got her Jill! I got her!" Sherry struggled with all her might but couldn't get his hand off of her. Looking forward she laid eyes on something that she hadn't seen for a few days.

There was the albinoid that had escaped from the jar in her father's basement. It was still in it's larval form but with the rapid growth rate these things had it looked like it was about to grow any minute. Reaching with all her might she grasped the slimey salamander-like creature and turned around.

Chris grinned as he heard Jill get closer but looked up to see Sherry place a disgusting creature on his face. He stared at it for a few seconds before giving a blood curdling scream allowing Sherry to escape up the steps.

Squirming around for a few seconds he gave out another scream as Jill finally made her way to him only to have Chris throw the thing off and onto her, causing her to fall down with the thing on her stomach without her even realizing it.

She slowly opened her eyes to see Chris hovering over her holding a crowbar, "Don't move Jill" "Chris...What are you doing?" "Just...don't...move." He muttered and was about to smash the albinoid with the crowbar when suddenly it convulsed and grew into it's giant adult form and shocked Jill, "Yaaaa! Get this fucking thing off me!" she screamed and so did Chris as he repeatidly bashed it with the crowbar till it was dead.

Sherry made her way up to the attic and over to a rope she had connected to the tree-house located in the back of Barry Burton's yard which belonged to his girls. Pulling out a little wheelie device she latched it onto the rope and slid across the yard, "Weeeee!" she exclaimed until she finally reached the tree-house and smashed right through it and landed face down in the snow , "...Oww."

Back at the mall Wesker and Ada started to walk to the exit when Ada suddenly stopped, "Oh wait Wesker" she stated before pulling out a small box, "I forgot to give you your present" she said happily and handed it to him. Opening it up his eyes widened with glee as he looked at the professional and expensive sunglass kit that Ada had gotten him.

But then just as suddenly as he smiled he frowned and looked sad which caused Ada to frown too, "You...don't like it do you?" "Oh no Ada its not that, its wonderful, its just that...I kinda traded in my sunglasses to buy you that choker." "But Wesker, those were your grandfather's sunglasses that he stole from Joesph Stalin! There irreplaceable." "Nothing is worth more to me then having you here at my side."

Suddenly Chris Kringle came out of nowhere and smiled, "Well Wesker i'm proud of you for giving up what matters most for the one you loved. And for that I present you with these" and with that he pulled out the very same pair of sunglasses that Wesker sold off just an hour ago.

"No way! Wow Kringle you really are magic!" "Hehe, yeah" Chris said awkwardly as the scene sets on the sunglass hut where a hole the size of a fist was in an empty display case that had once contained a pair of mint-condition Stalin glasses.

"Wow Chris, you know I misjudged you man. How would you like to come spend Christmas with us?" "Oh I would love to, but I need to go deliever the rest of the toys first." They were about to go their separate ways until they heard a little midget scream, "There he is! Thats the Santa who smashed a bottle over my head!" Wesker looked over to see the little midget elf that he smashed his alchohol bottle over earlier with a group of about 20 other midgets, "Aww crap!"

The migets closed in and looked at both santas, "Which one was it?" "Who cares, just get both of them!" and with that they surrounded the trio. Ada, Wesker, and Kringle all stood back to back as they stared at the 'tiny' mob, "Well guys shall we get started" Kringle said which suprised the hell outta Wesker that he would want to fight and without warning Kringle ran up and delivered a flying kick right into one of the midgets.

Soon the little guys were flying everywhere as Kringle gave a bunch of roundhouses, Ada a bunch of spin kicks, and Wesker a punch of thrust punchs, and Wesker looked to the other two, "This is the best Christmas ever!" he exclaimed as the other two nodded in agreement.

Sherry made her way into the basement of Barry Burton's house, sure that she had outrun those two idiots. Making her way into the basement and up the stairs that led into the kitchen, she opened the door and was greeted with the devious faces of Chris and Jill.

"Hiya pal" Jill said evily and grabbed Sherry by her coat and hung her up from a coat rack. "What are we gonna do to her Jill?" "Maybe we should spray her face with mace" "Or shock her with a tazer" "But first I'm gonna bite off her little fingers one by one."

Jill opened her both and started to bring it to Sherry's index finger when suddenly Jill started to convulse, foamed at the mouth, and fell down. Chris looked behind him to see Barry Burton holding the tazer Sherry had dropped on her way to the house, "Barry? What the hell?" Chris yelled in disbelief as Barry pointed the tazer at his face, and then chose another more familiar target for the tazer, shocking him right in his balls.

With both goons down on the ground and wriving in pain, Barry helped Sherry off the coat rack and smiled, "Lets get you home."

After the massive midget beating Ada and Wesker said their final goodbyes to Chris Kringle before heading back to their apartment. Everything seemed fine as the couple laughed and joked but that was until they opened the door to the apartment and walked inside.

Ada and Wesker stared in disbelief at the chared and destroyed room that was once a cozy apartment. Everything was destroyed, the windows smashed, and the walls burnt to a chrisp. And their in the center of it, on the remains of the furniture sat Krauser, William, Annette, the landlord, and Stallone all staring at them awkwardly before Stallone broke the silence, "Uh...Merry Christmas?"

Back at the Birkin residence a small fire was burning in the fireplace, as Sherry and Barry sipped hot coco, "So what is going to happen to Claire's brother and his friend?" Barry took another sip and gave a small chuckle, "Well I'm gonna keep them in the basement till they agree not to bother you guys anymore." Sherry smiled warmly as she finally felt one hundred percent secure and stared out at the snow outside, this really was a great Christmas.

Wesker and Ada sat in the lobby of the apartment complex, a large Christmas tree in the center. Wesker seemed pretty annoyed, "I just wanted you to have a nice Christmas." Ada seemed confused, "What are you talking about? This is the best Christmas I ever had. The things in the apartment can be replaced, but are loved ones are something that should be cherished and thats what we have right here" she motioned to the Christmas tree where Krauser, Annette, William, the landlord, and Stallone were busy putting back the ornaments that fell off when the building was shook from the explosion.

Wesker reluctantly smiled, "Yeah...I guess your right." Suddenly from the Christmas tree came soft singing from Annette, "Fah who for-aze. Dah who dor-aze Welcome Christmas, Christmas day." Suddenly all of them joined hands around the tree and started to sing while Ada and Wesker looked on from their seat.

They rocked back and forth happily, all expressing their Christmas cheer, "Welcome, Welcome Fah who ra-moose. Welcome, Welcome Dah ho dah-moose. Christmas day is in our grasp. So long as we have hands to clasp!" Wesker thought it was kinda corny, but Ada that it was amazing. Wesker rolled his eyes but then noticed that Krauser wasn't in the circle of people singing.

Suddenly Wesker and Ada turned their attention to a little group of leaves that was suddenly held over their heads and they looked up to see Krauser holding a small mistletoe between them, smiling.

Wesker rolled his eyes until suddenly Ada smashed her lips into his, and after his eyes widened in shock they soon closed as he returned the best Christmas present anybody had ever given him.

And as the scene fades out to the outside of the apartment complex as the snow gently fell from the sky, one bright star could be seen through the thickening clouds that had shone just as bright over 2,000 years ago and as the scene starts to fade to black the words of the singers echoed through the city,

"Welcome Christmas, ChriiiiistMaaaasDaaaaaay!"

Merry Christmas

_Author's Notes: Well there you have it. All the world's greatest Christmas stories all packed into four chapters with Resident Evil characters. Throughout the chapters i've did parodies of The Grinch, Home Alone, Bad Santa, Miracale on 34th St, Gift of the Magi, Its a Wonderful Life, and A Christmas Carol. Well please leave me a review to show that I haven't been forgotten and thank you for reading my story up to this point. I promise it will continue for chapters to come. _


	17. My Cruddy Valentine part 1

_Author's Notes: Well its been a very long time since I updated a chapter but as promised this is my long waited valentine's day chapter...in May. Thanks for all the reviews, and I hope to get some more with my future chapters._

_**Read this first!**_**: **_I recommend at least reading the first few chapters of this story before reading this chapter in order to understand the current situation. Also be warned of a few major Resident Evil 5 spoilers. Although these spoilers about Wesker are so insane that you probably won't believe them anyway._

House of the Idiots Chapter 17

The city view was cold and dreary in the fridged month of Febuary, as the scene sets on the familiar sight of the apartment owned by three of Umbrella's top men the day before Valentine's day. Currently the only one inside was Albert Wesker who was at this time digging through the medicine cabinet within the confines of the small bathroom.

Several burns marks covered Wesker's body as he threw aside a bottle of asprin, "Come on where is it where is it" he muttered frustrated before a small grin was plastered on his red face, "Bingo" he laughed as he pulled out a bottle of sunburn cream. Of course these burns that Wesker were currently suffering weren't caused by sunburn but instead by a volcano, however Albert was willing to make compromises in order to relieve any of this agonizing pain.

He had recently arrived back from his trip to Africa, and things could have gone better for the blonde. Getting stuck with poisoness needles, being thrown from a plane, and being shot by RPGs while standing in lava were a few things Wesker didn't really forsee when he traveled to the distant continent in hopes of achieving world domination.

Making his way over to his favorite couch and grumbling about Chris and Sheva, Wesker fell face down on the soft cushions and quickly applied the cream all over his back. Wesker could count himself lucky that he was left with only a couple of second degree burns. Luckily the RPGs weren't direct hits but Wesker was forced to give up the Oroboros in order to crawl his ass out of that molten rock.

Giving a massivly content sigh Wesker let the cream do it's work. He was about to nod off as he waited for Krauser and Ada to come home from work when he suddenly heard distant yelling coming from outside of his apartment. Trying to ignore it Wesker closed his eyes to get some well deserved rest until the voice became increasingly louder as it neared the door. The voice had a thick Russian accent and Wesker could tell it wasn't English this mystery person was yelling. It sounded weird that it was only one voice and Wesker thought maybe another crazy homeless person had broken into their apartment complex again.

Giving a growl Wesker slowly got up and stumbled over to the door to tell whoever was out their to shut the hell up when suddenly the door flung open crushing Wesker against the wall on the other side. In walked none other then Nicolai Ginovaeff one of the only surviving mercenaries of Raccoon City...mostly due to the fact that he had betrayed and murdered many of them.

He was currently yelling into a cellphone in Russian to what sounded like an equally angry female voice. After a few more sentences of screaming the female on the end screamed, "Mudak!" and Nicholai screamed, "Bliad!" before he crushed the cellphone with one hand. Looking around the apartment Nicholai seemed confused, "...Hello?"

Nicholai heard muffeled groans coming from behind the door and cocked an eyebrow. Walking over he gently pulled back the door and was greeted with Wesker falling to the ground. The burned and bruised blonde screamed bloody murder as his fragile skin made contact with the hard linolium floor but Nicholai took no notice as he smiled widely, "Wesker! My old friend and comrade! How how have you been you old 'Huesos' you!" Wesker growled and stared up at the white haired man from his position on the ground, "Just great" he muttered before he realized that Nicholai was also in the company of a couple of suitcases, "Um...Nicholai? Are you moving somewhere"

Nicholai looked at the suitcases full of clothing and items and gave a nervous chuckle, "Well yes about that...I kinda needed a place to stay for a couple of days and I could think of no place better to stay then with my bestest friends Allen, Ado, and Chowder." Wesker was dumbstruck, "...You mean Albert, Ada, and Krauser?" Nicholai rubbed the back of his head awkwardly, "Uh yeah sure whatever" he muttered before taking it upon himself to waltz over to Wesker's couch and pop down.

Wesker glared at the Russian Merc with venom as he propped his feet up on the couch and began to watch cartoons on the TV, "Hehehe, the mouse hit the stupid cat with a frying pan" he laughed in his thick Russian accent before the TV was abruptly turned off by Wesker, "Hey what is the big idea comrade?!" Nicholai exclaimed looking at the blonde. Wesker groaned inwardly, their was no way he was going to let ANOTHER mercenary who had a problem saying 'comrade' live here. Then again this one was authentic Russian while Krauser picked up saying 'comrade' from a TV show he saw once.

"Look Nicholai...I'm sorry but their is a strict three tenant rule here at our apartment. I already have two other roomates so we can't let you stay here...i'm sorry." In truth Wesker wasn't the least bit sorry but he wanted to get his couch back as soon as possible. Wesker raised an eyebrow as he saw tears shimmer in the hardened Russian's eyes, "Fine...I understand...don't worry about o'l Nicholai...i'll fine a nice bridge to sleep under" he whined as he slowly got up, took his belongings, and walked out the door. Wesker stared at the closing door and as it finally shut all the way he let out a sigh and headed back for the couch, "Moron thought I would actually feel sorry for him" he muttered.

Down in the lobby the form of none other then Jack Krauser casually walked through the front doors humming a simple tune. He was in a good mood although a little tired from his long day at work but was more then eager to welcome back his roommate from his long trip to Africa. As he neared the elevator he passed the regular large fern that was added to the room to give it a nicer look.

However what made the fern different today was the fact that a pair of cold evil eyes glared menacingly at Krauser's passing form from behind it. As soon as the commando fully passed the plant Nicholai Ginovaeef jumped out from behind it and grabbed the shocked man by his shirt placing a knife underneath his neck.

Krauser's breathing increased rapidly as he felt the cold metal of the blade tickeling his skin, "You are the one they call Krauser aren't you?" Krauser shivered as the thick Russian tone was whispered into his ear. "Um...ye-yes?" he asked confused but didn't want to turn around in fear of being killed, "I am Nicholai Ginovaeef, old friend of Wesker. I am in needing of a place to stay for a little while and because of the strict three tenant rule I was just wondering if maybe I could take your spot for a little while?"

Back up in the apartment Wesker was still laying on his couch face down but this time he had the apartment's phone placed against his ear, "No way that freeloading bastard tried to stay here too!" the voice of William Birkin yelled on the other line, "Luckily Annette threw him through a window when he tried to grab her ass." Both Wesker and Birkin commenced their laughter but it was cut short when Wesker heard the apartment's door open and Nicholai walk back in.

Wesker sat up on the couch and growled, "Birkin i'll call you back" he muttered into the phone before turning it off and painfully rising from the couch yet again, "Hey what the hell did I just tell you?" he yelled at the grinning Russian man, "Do not worry comrade about your stupid rule. Your old pal Krauser was more then happy to give up his spot during my stay."

Back down in the lobby Alyssa Ashcroft, one of the group of survivors who banded together during the Raccoon outbreak walked through the door bent on getting some rest up in her apartment. However as she also neared the elevator she noticed her crush Jack Krauser slumped against the ground. He was sporting a full beard, in worn tattered clothing, and was sipping from a paper bag that concealed a bottle of vodka.

Alyssa raised an eyebrow as she walked up to the anguished man, "Krauser? What happened?" Krauser looked up at the blonde, momentarily forgetting that he was scared to death of her because of her previous sexual advances. Tears shown in his eyes, "Well...I was forced out of my apartment today. Now i'm a homeless drunk!" he whined and Alyssa's eyes widened, "Oh my God thats horrible! Don't you worry your going to come stay with me" she said and grabbed his hand, helping him up.

Krauser retracted his hand slightly, "Um Alyssa...no offense but I think I would rather take my chances out here then in your apartment" he muttered still scared of the girl from beforehand. Alyssa could understand, "Don't you worry Krauser, I won't try to make you my man meat. Not in your time of need" she laughed and pulled him along to the elevator. As the doors began to close Alyssa realized something, "Hey Krauser? If you were only homeless for an hour...how did you grow that beard, and where did you get those clothes and vodka?" Krauser looked down at his clothes and bottle, "Oh...I don't know" he said as the doors fully closed.

Over at the Birkin household, Annette Birkin was getting into the Valentine's day spirit. She currently had on baby blue lingerie, cat ears, and a cat tail. Moving her hips back and forth in the mirror she couldn't help but smile, "I still got it" she laughed as she made her way down the hallway looking for her husband. As she passed the computer room she heard excessive typing coming from inside. Glancing into the room the only light came from the bright screen of the computer on the other side. She grinned slightly as she made small steps over to the form in the turned away chair, making sure to make a clicking sound with her high heels to announce her presence, "William honey? Why don't you stop doing work for a second and play with your kitty" she purred over to the chair.

The form on the computer reached a hand over to a light switch locatd next to the computer and flicked it on. The room was immediatly illuminated and Annette noticed that it wasn't work on the computer screen but MySpace. Suddenly the chair turned around and Annette was face to face with her daughter, Sherry.

"Mom?" Sherry asked, slightly taken back by her mother's current lack of attire. "Sherry!" Annette exclaimed, her face immediatly heating up from embarassment at being caught in her current outfit, and accidently trying to seduce her own daughter, "Why are you wearing my halloween costume?" she asked as she looked at the cat ears and tail. Annette took a few paniced steps to the door, "I-well you know...I" she was a loss for words and settled for slamming the door.

Giving a sigh she then heard noise coming from the bedroom, "Puuuurrfect" she cooed as she pushed the awkwardness she experienced a minute ago to the back of her mind and pushed open the bedroom door. Sitting on the bed was William Birkin who was typing away on a laptop, filling out some reports from work.

Annette smiled as she ran into the room and jumped onto the bed on all fours, making purring sounds. William jumped causing his laptop to fall to the side, "Ah Annette what the hell!" he yelled in suprise at Annette, "Kitty wants to play" she purred and William slowly got up from the bed, "Annette please" he sighed as he reached down and picked up his unhurt laptop, "We are both mature working adults who have no time to engage in such meaningless acts when their is work to be done" he yelled almost robotically.

Annette growled and got up from the bed, "Fine!" she whined and trudged towards the door, her fake tail swaying behind her. "Oh Annette one more thing" William muttered behind her. Annette turned around and was met with a flash of light. When the light subsided Annette noticed William holding a camera and grinning, "Perfect Christmas card" he laughed. Annette blushed madly before stomping out the door and slamming it in an embarrased rage.

William sighed as he walked over to his bed and sat down. Picking up his laptop he made sure that the door was completly closed before he minimized his working documents and clicked a link that sent him to AIM instant messaging. William was ashamed of himself that he had long since lost intrest in his wife, and even more ashamed of himself that he had recently begun an online affair. Checking his friend's list he was slightly crestfallen that a certain name was currently offline, but decided that he would wait a couple of minutes.

Annette growled at the events that transpired in the last few minutes but as she past the computer room she noticed that Sherry was currently not using it. Glancing left and right to make sure the coast was clear she crept into the room and locked the door. Smiling she trotted over to the computer and clicked on the little AIM icon on the bottom of the screen. Ever since William stopped taking intrest in her she decided to engage in a cyber affair. Signing onto her account she grinned seductivly as she saw that NerdyHunk123 was currently online.

Over in the bedroom William smiled as KinkyScientist69 came online. Typing a quick message he sent it to her.

NerdyHunk123: Hey Kinky, whats up sexy?

KinkyScientist69: Hey baby, nothing much. Just sitting here in my lingerie wishing my good for nothing husband would pleasure me.

NerdyHunk123: Loser doesn't know what he's got. So what are you wearing?"

KinkyScientist69: Blue bra and panties with matching blue cat ears and tail

William who had completly forgotten about Annette's earlier attire grinned wildly, "Meeeeeow" he laughed as he stared at the computer screen while Annette stared at hers.

The sun had fully set as a lone Asian woman ran through the front doors of the downton apartment complex, a wide smile on her face. She was as giddy as a school girl because today was the day that her boyfriend returned from Africa. Work had been hell for Ada today knowing that Wesker had returned and she was stuck doing spy work. Ever since Christmas, Ada and Wesker had been a couple and she was excited that he returned with Valentine's day coming up tommorow.

Exiting the elevator she ran down the hall not even wondering why Krauser was currently entering Alyssa's apartment. Pushing open the apartment door she ran up to the form watching TV on the couch and threw her arms around the back of his neck, "Welcome home baby!" she yelled.

"Ada?" Ada looked over to the bathroom to see Wesker walking out and giving her a confused look. Ada's eyes widened as she glanced down at the form to come face to face with a grinning Nicholai, "Well well!" he laughed with his thick Russian accent, "It is great to see you too cutey!" Ada screamed as she ripped her arms from the perverted Russian and stepped back. Panting rapidly she pointed at Nicholai while making eye contact with Wesker, "What the hell is he doing here?!" she yelled.

Wesker sighed, his several burns still aching, "Look Ada, its a long story. Short version is I fell into a volcano, came back to the US, Nicolai got kicked out by his crazy Russian wife, Krauser is staying over at Alyssas, and I'm tired...end of story" he muttered.

Ada was at a lose for words, "You...fell INTO A VOLCANO?!" Wesker sighed and walked up to Ada, taking her into his arms and giving her a quick peck on the lips, "I'm just glad to be back with my favorite girl. How about you and me go back into the bedroom. Since Krauser is with that harpey Annette and Nicholai is taking the couch that means we can get a little...intimate before Valentine's day" he purred into her blushing face. Giving a giggle she nodded and the two walked over to the bedroom door and shut it behind them.

A couple apartments over Krauser had just stepped out of Alyssa's steaming hot shower and gave a content sigh. He had to admit he might have misjudged Alyssa when he thought that she was just a mindless rapeing whore. Walking out he couldn't help but smile as she had washed and laid his clothes on the bed while she was in the kitchen making him dinner.

Quickly dressing he walked over to the kitchen doorway but stopped dead in his tracks as he made eye contact with Alyssa's hands. The woman was currently chopping tomatos for a salad and Krauser couldn't help but be entraced at the amazingly quick and effective cuts that she used, making perfect slices. One of Krauser's biggest hobbies was knife handeling and seeing Alyssa in her nightgown handeling a knife like the pros just to make him a nice dinner made the commando see this former horror figure in a whole new light. Krauser's eyes widened as he thought of the impossible...was he really becoming attracted to Alyssa?

Ada and Wesker's tounges danced together as the duo held each other in their arms under the covers of the top bunk bed. Ada moaned as Wesker nibbeled on the bottom of her neck, while he slowly unzippered her long red dress.

As the pair began to undress each other from the sanctity of their bunk a silver haired figure slowly rose from the side of the top bunk. As the figure fully poked it's head out from the side of the bunk, it's dark eyes stared intently at the moaning pair as a wicked perveted smile was plastered on his face.

The pair took no notice as Wesker unhooked the back of Ada's bra as she unhooked his belt. Suddenly their bodies were both in shock with terror as a deep Russian voice quietly echoed through the room, "Thats right...now play with her titties."

Ada and Wesker screamed bloody murder, Ada quickly pulling the sheets over her exposed breasts as they both stared in horror at the pervy Nicholai, "What the hell are you doing in here you Russian nutjob!" Wesker yelled and Nicholai seemed dissapointed as he stared at Ada, "How sad, so flatchested" he sighed.

Ada blushed furiously as she wrapped the sheets around herself, jumped off the bed, and trudged out of the room, Wesker close behind. "Where are you going?" he yelled as Ada threw on her dress and headed for the door, "As long as that son of a bitch Russian is here I won't be!" she yelled and slammed the door.

A few loud bangs awoke Alyssa from her slumber as she stumbled out of her bed, and slowly walked out of her main bedroom, passed the guest bedroom that Krauser was occupying, and opened the door. She came face to face with an enraged Ada, "Um...can i help you Ada?" Alyssa asked. "Since I have a perverted Russian in my apartment I was wondering if I could share the guest bedroom with Krauser." Alyssa raised an eyebrow about the Russian comment but her eyes suddenly widened as she noticed that Ada had no bra on at the moment, apparent because her nipples were sticking through the dress she was wearing.

"U-uh....sure Ada go right ahead" Alyssa muttered thanking God that she didn't turn the apartment's lights on because it covered up the red tint in her cheeks as she stared at Ada's chest. Ada seemed to not notice as she gave Alyssa a small hug before bypassing her and heading to the guest bedroom, "Thanks."

Inside the guest bedroom Krauser had just got done lighting the last of the candles he had found in the closet. He was currently only wearing a small camaflogue speedo showing off his very well toned and bulging pecs and abs. After making sure the candles lit the room just right he jumped on the bed and hit play on a boombox. Soft jazz music started to play as Krauser put his hands behind his back and waited, "Any minute now Alyssa is gonna come through this door to rape me like she always tries to do. But this time I'm gonna turn the tables."

He put on a mischievious smile as he heard the handle of the door turn and open revealing a very confused Asian woman, "Krauser?" "ADA!" Krauser yelled and stared at the bewildered woman like a deer in the headlights.

Ada couldn't take her eyes off of Krauser's God-like body who she had seen fully for the first time. She had always seen Krauser as a little kid, or maybe a 'special' person, but now as she looked at every muscle glistening in the candlelight it was like looking at a human God. Krauser finally recovered from his shock and quickly jumped off the bed and threw on the clothes Alyssa left for him earlier, "I...I can explain!" he threw his hands up defensivly as Ada fell backwards, fainting.

Back at the Birkin household Annette Birkin gave a satisfied sigh as she logged off of her AIM account. Her and HunkyNerd123 had talked and flirted for hours about everything. They had a lot of common intrests, they both had a spouse and daughter of the same age, both worked with viruses, and both lived in the same town. That was the most exciting thing because tommorow she had made plans to meet him at J's Bar downtown. Little did she know that HunkyNerd123 was right in the other room grinning himself because of the plans tommorow.

Alyssa laid in her bed staring up at the ceiling and wondering what had just taken place. She had never really been turned on by women before. Of course their was that little incident at Wesker's suprise party between her and Annette but that was strictly alcohol realated. But the way Ada seemed so vulnerable in her revealing dress as she asked for a place to stay made Alyssa feel more attracted to her then she ever did for her supposed crush, Krauser. Alyssa finally realized it as she watched her ceiling fan make it's hypnotic turns. She wasn't attracted to Krauser...she was attracted to his roomate, the great Asian spy Ada Wong.

Wesker grumbled to himself from his place on the bottom bunk in the bedroom. Currently above him in the top bunk was the cause of all the man's problems today and he was starting to wish he stayed in that freaking volcano. The Russian was humming away content with himself that he got his own bunk since both Krauser and Ada were gone, thanks to himself.

Suddenly the humming stopped and Wesker thought maybe he fell asleep before the mercenary popped his head out and looked down at Wesker, "Hey Wesker look" he whispered as he held out Ada's bra, "Souvenier!" he yelled and laughed as his head retreated. Wesker growled as he stuffed his head in his pillow, tommorow that son of a bitch was out of here.

_Author's Notes: And their you have it. A misunderstanding between the Birkins, a three way love triangle between Alyssa, Ada, and Krauser, along with Wesker harboring the perverted Nicholai Ginovaeef because of a fight with his wife. I hope my long updating period was worth this chapter. All reviews will be appreciated and will help boost my morale to write future chapters._

_P.S. On a little side note here back in my first Christmas chapter I made a joke at the beginning when the Black Friday shoppers caused a riot on the outside of the mall and brought the doors down on the employees, killing them. Tragically when Black Friday rolled around again this year shoppers at a local Wal-Mart did just that and brought the door down on a worker, then trampled over her to get to their precious items...greedy bastards. I don't wanna say I can predict the future but it is pretty ominous that exactlly one year after the events of my story that it actually happened. Its ashame it had to be such a horrible prediction to be right about._


	18. My Cruddy Valentine part 2

House of the Idiots Chapter 18

_Author's Notes: To all those who are annoyed by the constant holiday chapters, this will be the last holiday chapter before I go onto other chapters._

The sun rose extra bright on the mid Febuary day as happy people skipped merrily through the busy morning city. All the normally miserable assholes were full of cheer as they headed towards their lover's houses to spend Valentine's day with them.

The scene sets on the familiar apartment complex primarily on the window sill of one of the top apartments. Two birds sat close to each other enjoying the other's love and presense. It was a very lovely scene as the love birds whistled happily until the window they were next to flew open and a pissed off white haired man stuck his head out, "Shut up!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs, his thick Russian accent apparent in his pissed off tone. As the birds flew off in a panic Nicholai pulled his head back in the window and slammed it shut.

A few apartments down the loud scream stirred a small Asian woman from her slumber. Tossing and turning she finally clung on to a source of heat and snuggled close to it, sighing. Suddenly the events of last night hit her and her eyes shot open, looking at the source of heat she had subconsciously clung too.

Their sleeping next to her was Krauser, currently shirtless but at least had some pajama pants on. Ada blushed as she pulled away, and sat up trying to assest her current situation. She remembered being awestruck by Krauser's impressive build and fainting like a young schoolgirl. She never thought in her entire life that she would feel any sort of affection above friendship for the retarded veteran, but as she looked over at his peaceful, studly form she couldn't help but feel totally in love with the man.

But the peace was quickly placed with self-disgust when she realized these thoughts were like betraying her boyfriend, Wesker. She couldn't help herself though and after making sure Krauser was fully asleep she layed back down and snuggled herself into his muscular arms. Giving a content sigh she closed her eyes and faded into unconciousness...voluntarily this time.

Krauser clung onto the form in his arms as he slowly began to wake up, "mmm...Alyssa" he muttered before opening his eyes and realizing it was Ada he currently had his arm around, "Oh" he said not really giving a second thought thinking Ada just clung to him without realizing. He still felt really embarassed about making her faint last night while trying to get Alyssa in bed with him. Slowly pulling his arm away he quietly got up from the bed, and left the bedroom to get some breakfast.

Walking into the kitchen he smirked as he saw Alyssa sitting down at the small table, partaking in a small bowl of cheerios while still sporting her silk pink nightgown. Krauser crept up behind the small woman and put his big arms around her neck, "Guess who" he said cheerfully and was suprised when in response he recieved an annoyed sigh, "Oh...hey Krauser, grab a bowl of cereal or something." Krauser raised an eyebrow and let go. Any other time Alyssa would jump at the chance to get it on with the commando and he was wondering why today of all days she would seem unintrested, "Um...ok thanks" he said as he walked over to the box of cereal and milk on the counter.

Hearing a knock at the door Alyssa sighed at all the interuptions of her breakfast and slowly walked over to the door. Upon answering it she was greeted with the familiar sight of black sunglasses, "Oh...its you" she said bitterly, jealous that this was the man who had taken Ada's love. Wesker raised an eyebrow behind his glasses, and Alyssa noticed he was holding a dozen roses, and a box of chocolates. Alyssa knew who they were for, "Is Ada up yet?" Wesker asked hopefully.

Alyssa stared at the presents and was about to slam the door in the blonde's face before an evil idea formed in her head, "...Why no she isn't Wesker. But i'd be more then happy to give these gifts to Ada and make sure I tell her they are from her sweet caring boyfriend." Wesker smiled slightly, "Well thanks Alyssa, oh and here give this little box of chocolates to Krauser" he said handing all the gifts over to the smirking woman.

Turning away slowly Wesker heard the door close behind him as he made his way to his apartment. Upon opening the door his jaw immediatly dropped at the current state of one of the few rooms in the apartment.

Nicholai was throwing various items around the room he was currently in, looking through the few cabinets attached to the ceiling, and the cabinet under the sink, "Why is their no food in this place?!" Wesker stared in disbelief, "Thats because your in the bathroom you friggin moron!" he screamed at the mercenary. Nicholai raised an eyebrow and then noticed a toliet in the corner of the room, "Oh" he muttered walking out of the room and into he kitchen.

Wesker stared at the mess of towels and asprin bottles from the medicine cabinet, "You gonna clean this up Nicholai?" Nicholai stuck his head out of the kitchen, a piece of toast in his mouth, "Nope" his muffeled reply was as he receaded back in the kitchen. Wesker gritted his teeth and stomped in the kitchen, "Look Nicholai I know we had are fun in the past but I think you staying here is not such a good idea. Why don't you just go back home and make good with your wife."

Nicholai who was sitting at the small table swallowed his toast and looked away, hurt seemingly coming from the normally cold man, "I...can't." Wesker who didn't see that Nicholai was hurting just growled, "Well why the hell not? Did you set fire to the dog, sell her parents into slavery, blow up the house-" Nicholai cut him off by standing up, "I caught her sleeping with another man!" he screamed startling Wesker. Guilt automatically overwhelmed the blonde as he stared at the once ruthless mercenary, now on the verge of tears. The whole time Nicholai was staying here, he never once thought that him being thrown out wasn't his fault.

Sighing he made eye contact with the Russian, "Nicholai...i'm sorry I...didn't know." He gave a tired sigh, "I know you, like all the others thought it was my fault for being thrown out...I'm just so tired Wesker. So tired of all the missions, and betrayel, I now know what those mercenaries felt back in Raccoon City...seeing one of their comrades stab them in the back." Wesker sighed and walked over to the small table, and sat down with Nicholai also sitting down.

"Well who was this man?" Wesker asked curious to see could get the upper hand of Nicholai Ginovaeef. Nicholai bawled his fist and gritted his teeth at the thought of the man, "The Son of a bitch has been out to get me for years! I met him in Raccoon City the night of the infection since we were both employed by Umbrella and ended up getting into a fight. I thought he died in that disgusting city, but he survived! I know for a fact that he wooed my lovely Natashia only to get back at me." Wesker was amazed by this seemingly storybook drama.

Nicholai put his hands in his face trying to hold back cries, "The worst part is he's taking her to J's bar tonight for Valentine's day. I just don't know what i'll do if I lose my precious Natashia!" Wesker knew what they could do as he got up and walked over to the phone, "What are you doing Wesker?" Nicholai asked as the blonde started dialing numbers, "Just reserving us a table at a certain bar" he chuckled evily.

Back over in Alyssa's apartment, she was currently scribbling off anything that said 'from Wesker' on all of the presents. Smirking as the blonde's name was totally erased from all of the presents she picked them up and headed to the guest room. She realized then that she also accidently scribbled out Wesker's name on the gift to Krauser. Looking at the small box of chocolates Wesker bought for Krauser she then noticed a small pink stuffed bear tapped to the top of it.

Alyssa rolled her eyes, Wesker probably just took one of Ada's gifts and gave it to Krauser so the big guy wouldn't feel left out. Making a quick stop in the kitchen she saw the big goof still eating his cereal, "Hey Krauser catch" she said lazily and tossed the box of chocolates and walked out.

Krauser looked up confused at Alyssa's yell before milk splashed all over his face. Looking down he realized that Alyssa had tossed a box of chocolates at him that was currently floating in his milk. Krauser smiled brightly as he picked up the heart shaped box of treats, so Alyssa did like him after all!

Ada felt someone nudge her arm as her eyes fluttered open. Quickly turning over hoping to see Krauser she was slightly dissapointed when her eyes met Alyssa. Her eyebrow raised when she noticed all the small trinkets of affection that the blonde had in her hands, "Um, hello Alyssa...if your looking for Krauser he should be around here somewhere" she said instantly thinking the gifts were for the woman's obsessive crush. Ada was slightly jealous that this woman was going after 'her' Krauser but she became confused when the gifts were held out to her, "Oh well these are actually just little tokens of 'appreciation' from me to you. Have I ever told you how much I admired you?" Alyssa asked, her voice going down a tone to try to come out more seductive.

Ada was slightly taken back since they didn't really talk much and once before she even vomited on the blonde woman, "Um...thanks Alyssa" she muttered reluctently taking the gifts from the increasingly creepy girl.

Krauser hummed happily as he stuffed one of the little chocolate suprises into his mouth. He then noticed the little stuffed bear that was taped to the other side of the box. After drying most of the milk off the pink smiling animal he grinned back at it until he thought of Ada. He frowned slightly at forgetting his friend on this day and decided maybe he should give this little gift to her.

Ada was currently eating her giant box of chocolates she for some reason recieved from Alyssa. She started wondering why Wesker didn't give her anything yet but thought maybe it was for the best since she didn't get him anything yet either. Suddenly the door creaked open and Ada immediatly lit up as the man of her dreams walked in. Krauser smiled at his asian friend and pulled out the bear, "Here you go Ada, happy Valentine's day."

Ada squealed in delight as she jumped from bed, the chocolates forgotten as they fell to the floor. Clutching the cheap pink bear she gave it a crushing hug, "Oh thank you Krauser, its adorable!" she cheered. Krauser was bewhildered at Ada's reaction of the worthless trinket, but was happy that it made his friend smile. But that didn't explain when he felt a pair of lips on his and he looked down in suprise.

Ada didn't realize what she was doing till it was too late and her arms were around the marine's neck. She was then roughly pushed away as Krauser looked at her while wipping his lips, "What are you doing?!" he yelled before the door was kicked open and the pair looked over to see Alyssa holding a kitchen knife, "Get off the lady you big retarded fuck!" Alyssa screamed before lunging at the scarred man.

Annette Birkin adjusted her dangling blue earrings in the mirror and made sure her makeup wasn't smudged before rising from the chair located in her room. Stepping back to get a full view she straightened out her blue spaghetti strap dress before grabbing her purse and leaving the room, her heels giving a click.

Walking down the hallway she came face to face with William who was wearing a snazzy black tuxedo. The two stared at each other and an awkard silence ensued before Annette cleared her throat, "So...still heading over to your cousin's wedding?" she asked William who gave a slight nod, "Yep. You uh...still heading over to your mother's house for the formal dinner?" Annette gave a nod of her own and the silence ensued again.

"Well then...I guess i'll see you tommorow" William said and they walked by each other without even so much as a hug from the husband and wife. Annette got into her luxury sedan while William got into his cadillac both giving sighs as they headed out to commit their adultery.

Nicholai adjusted his tie as he looked into the mirror, his face giving off evident disatisfaction, "I don't know comrade Wesker...I don't think I can compete with her new big strong man with his perfect smile" he spat with venom at thinking of the scene he saw the other day when finding them both in bed. Wesker adjusted his own tie before putting a reassuring arm around his friend, "Don't worry Nicolai you look fine. Now I'm gonna go over to Alyssa's apartment to get Ada and Alyssa to be are dates for the evening."

Humming to himself Wesker knocked on the neighboring apartment's fine oak door and stepped back awaiting an answer from the other side. After about a minute of waiting he started to hear crashes of glass, and screams coming from behind the door. Raising an eyebrow he twisted the doorknob and found it unlocked. Pushing it in slowly he yelled in, "Helloooo?" Hearing more crashes he pushed the door in fully and was met with the massive battle taking place within the living room of the small apartment.

Krauser threw his hands out wildly trying to rip the pissed off blonde from his back who was repeatidly stabbing his shoulder. While this was going on Ada was chasing them around until she had a better idea and pulled out her trademark grappling gun. Aiming it steady she pulled the trigger and smirked as the wire wrapped around Alyssa's dangling leg multiple times. Giving it a yank she found it difficult as Alyssa grabbed onto Krauser's neck.

Krauser tried to pull forward to get away and as Alyssa's grip faultered and she was pulled off the petrified man he lost his balance and body slammed the coffee table. The frail table was no match for the man's crushing weight as it exploded in a barrage of wooden pieces. Ada retracted the line enough that Alyssa was in reach but she had enough slack to hogtie the crazed woman, and after she was done Alyssa smiled up from her position, "Oh my girl loves the kinky games" Ada's eyes lit up, "What?!"

Wesker gently closed the door and backed away slowly, his eyes staring off into nothing from what he had just saw. Since the girls seemed to be 'busy' at the moment he decided to take the easy way out and took the elevator down to the lobby. Walking towards the door he noticed the landlord licker sitting at his desk giving a sad sigh. Wesker supposed he had a few minutes to spare and walked up to the depressed licker, "Hey whats wrong Mr. Landlord?" The gross abomination looked up sadly to the blonde, "Oh...hey Wesker. Its nothing its just that...I just feel lonlier then usual. Every Valentine's day I at least get a card from one of the woman staying at my apartment, but this year I have nothing" he sighed into his claw, drool sliding down his skinless face.

Wesker grimaced a bit, "I can't imagine why." He did feel bad for the man, since his current appearence was partially his fault. He thought for a second and then remembered the location he was going to before he met the landlord, "Don't worry buddy, I have the perfect date for you. You just go up to your apartment and dress into something formal. Your going to J's bar tonight." The landlord seemed confused for a second before grinning and walking to the elevator.

A few minutes later on the corner of a dirty street located in the slums of the city, three sleezy looking women stood underneath the streetlight as the sun began to set. All were wearing less then decent attire with short skirts, too much makeup, and high heels with fishnet stockings.

The African American one took a drag of her ciggarette and stared intently as a black sedan pulled up to the corner. The window rolled down slowly and a blonde man with black sunglasses grinned slightly at the three girls, "How much?"

Krauser's eyes fluttered open as conciousness slowly returned to him. He groaned slightly through his blurred vision but he felt that he was no longer lying on the cold hard table but was placed back in the soft bed of the guest bedroom. When his vision became clear he yelped slightly as he saw Ada watching him sleeping while smiling, "Hi Krauser honey" she said sweetly and Krauser began to inch away to the other side of the bed, "Um...hi Ada...are you ok?"

Ada layed on the bed and curled up to Krauser, "I'm just fine when I'm with you Krauser." The marine had enough as he jumped off the bed and glared at the young asian woman, "Ada have you gone mad?! What about Wesker have you forgotten about him? You've never been attracted to me before so why now?!" Ada immediatly looked down in shame as she thought of Wesker.

Suddenly Krauser heard muffeling coming from the closet and with curioustiy he opened it up to find Alyssa still hogtied, but also with sock stuffed into his mouth. "Oh my God!" Krauser yelled as he knelt down and began to untie the pissed of reporter. Once she was free he hugged her kneeling form, "My love are you ok?!" he asked with love in his voice. Alyssa growled almost inhumanly and Krauser immediatly felt a sharp pain in his balls as Alyssa delivered a swift punch to them.

Throwing his form to the ground she stood up and pointed a stern finger at the man, "YOU-" she then pointed at Ada, "AND YOU!...GET THE HELL OUT OF MY APARTMENT!" She screamed as both mercenaries jumped up from their positions and bolted out the door, still hearing the distant screams of blind rage coming from the bedroom.

It was currently 7:00 PM and J's bar was already jumping as all the couples partied away. Some sat on the barstools drinking, others played couple's pool, and many sat in the restaraunt's section eating their cheap food with thier cheap dates. Suddenly the bar's doors slammed open and in stepped six pairs of feet...well five pairs of feet and one pair of claws. All eyes were on the newcomers as the main one wearing a snazzy Italian suit grinned from behind his trademark sunglasses. As the bargoers stared in awe the man dug into his pocket and produced a quarter. With a quick flick the quarter flew through the air and found home within the confines of the bar's jukebox.

A smooth jazz song began to play as Wesker snapped his fingers while him and his party consisting of himself, Nicholai, the landlord, and the three hookers make their way to their reserved table. Nicholai and the landlord seemed a lot less confident then their blonde friend while the three skanks seemed to be bored.

Taking their seats Wesker sat across from a redhead wearing a short lime green tanktop and matching skirt, Nicholai sat across the African American woman with the same outfit as the redhead but in a bright yellow color clashing with her dark skin. The landlord sat across from a black haired petite girl wearing a dark purple dress with her fishnet stockings, and was feeling less then easy around the drooling licker.

Wesker smirked at the girls across him and then leaned over to Nicholai, "You see her yet Nicholai?" Nicholai immediatly glanced around the room in search for Natashia before seeing his beloved sitting towards the corner of the bar, seemingly alone. Nicholai pointed over to her, "There she is Wesker, the blonde one."

Wesker gazed over and was impressed at Nicholai for being able to bag such an attractive woman. Even though her face had a few light wrinkles from age her platinum blonde hair, and thin frame fit well with the silver dress she was wearing. She was currently sipping on a martini as she waited for her date to come back from the restroom.

Nicholai began to look for the man, "Lets see where the hotshot asshole is" he growled before sneering at the sight of his wife's date. Wesker's eyes widened at the sight of an unbelievably large form that stomped it's way to Natashia's table wearing a heavy trenchcoat, and steel toe boots, "There he is, Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome" Nicholai scoffed while Wesker was at a loss for words.

"Th-thats" "S.T.A.R.S!" the form screamed as it sat down next to Natashia who stared seductfully into it's eye, "Where'd you run off to handsome?" Nicholai was snarling while Wesker continued to stare at the Tyrant, "Your wife is cheating on you...with the Nemesis?!" Wesker yelled at the Russian who looked as though Wesker should have known all along, "Well who did you think it was. I told you we were both employed by Umbrella, and fought in Racoon City." "Well anyone but THAT!" Wesker yelled pointing at the Nemesis who was stuffing food into it's lipless face with it's hands.

Ada and Krauser walked silently down the quiet city streets, soft rain trickling down their somber forms. They had no destination, each feeling their own individual heartbreak from moments before. Although Krauser felt expecially guilty out of the two because even though Krauser's heartbreaker was fuming in her apartment a half a mile away Ada's heartbreaker was walking right next to her.

As the pair stepped under streetlight on the corner of a desolate city street Krauser gave a sigh and placed his hand on the smaller Asian's shoulder causing her to look up. Krauser's eyes widened as he realize how hard she must have been crying while they walked,her tears shining from the dim artifical light. "Ada...I" Ada put a finger up to his lips, "No Krauser...it was my fault. I've been a fool, falling for you, betraying Wesker, breaking Alyssa's heart and ruining your chance of finding happiness with her."

Krauser was a little taken back by her lengthy apology but couldn't help himself as he pulled her into a reassuring hug, "Its ok Ada. I'm sorry I was so brash with your feelings but you need to realize that your not in love with me, and i'm not in love with Alyssa. These are all just crushes we are feeling in the heat of the moment."

Ada was speechless as the usually bumbling idiot spoke words of wisdom. Krauser must have been right, she wasn't really in love with him...but why did this pain hurt so bad? As if reading her mind Krauser used one finger to tilt her chin up to look at him, "And i'm gonna so you that you have no feelings for me" he whispered before pressing his lips to her own, giving her a passionate kiss as the rain danced softly on the city street.

Annette Birkin walked calmly into J's Bar looking around at the variety of people who littered the floors. Walking softly towards an empty barstool she couldn't help but grin slightly as various men drooled at the sight of her in her dress while their dates glared daggers at them. Sitting crosslegged on a stool she adjusted her red carnation on her dress, a sign that she was KinkyScientist69. Sighing she sat their awaiting the arrival of HunkyNerd123.

Downing his fourth shot of straight vodka Nicholai began swaying in the booth that held the six people, "Aaaaah this is the good o'l Russian stuff!" he laughed in a drunken fit as the landlord stared confused at the man while the hookers looked at him disgusted. Wesker groaned embarrased by the mercenary before hearing the familiar call of "S.T.A.R.S!" coming from across the bar followed by Natashia's laughing.

The landlord seemed confused, "How the hell can that thing make a joke?" Nicholai began to grind his teeth before clumsily standing up, "I'm gonna go kick the bastard's ass" he muttered before he began his stumble over to the unaware couple. Wesker's eyes widened, "Oh shit he's gonna get himself tenticale raped" he yelled before also leaving the table. As the hookers watched the two walk off they turned to the only remaining member, the landlord licker. He smiled as drool dripped down his skinless face, "So...want me to show you what I can do with this tounge?"

Natashia Ginovaeef smiled happily at her date, the Nemesis before her eyes widened as the familiar form of her husband stumbling over to their table, Nemesis unaware as the Russian walked up behind it. "Nicolai what on earth are you doing here?" She was answered as Nicolai smacked the back of the Tyrant's head, "Hey asshole get up i'm gonna kick your ass for sleeping with my wife!" he yelled while the Nemesis growled deeply as it began to rise from it's seat. Wesker ran up and grabbed Nicolai's shoulder until he noticed a large dark shadow engulfing them. Looking up he made eye contact with the gigantic form of the Nemesis.

William Birkin sighed as he walked into J's Bar. Fighting off the butterflies in his stomach he adjusted his cheeky boetie as he walked towards another empty barstool. He grinned as he saw the girl's drooling at the sight of him who just moments before were pissed at their men for drooling at Annette. Sitting next to a girl in a blue dress he motioned for the bartender to come over, "Hey buddy get me an apple martini please" "Coming right up lady" the man joked before turning away from a glaring William.

Annette's eyes widened at the familiar voice before looking to her right and making eye contact with her husband, "William? I thought you were going to your cousins'" Williams eyes widened at the sight of his wife, "Annette? What happened to your mothers?" They then realized the red carnations they each wore, "William...are you HunkyNerd123?" "Th-thats means your KinkyScientist69." The pair stared at each other for about a minute before they both burst into uncontrollable laughter, "Oh-my-God" They said between laughs, "Can you imagine the odds that we were talking to each other the whole time?"

They continued their laughter for another minute before Annette suddenly stopped as her eyes widened in a sudden realization, "Wait a minute...YOU WERE GONNA CHEAT ON ME YOU SON OF A BITCH!" She yelled at the man before he pointed at her, "HEY YEAH! YOU WERE GONNA CHEAT ON ME TOO YOU WHORE!" They glared at each other before they were cut off as a screaming Nicholai flew over the two and landed behind the bar.

William and Annette looked behind the bar before turning their heads to the source of the throw. There in the middle of the bar was the Nemesis who currently held Wesker off of the ground by his throat. Wesker violently kicked at the Nemesis's unbudging body as several bar patrons tried in vein to aide the blonde. Nemesis lashed it's free arm out wildly knocking away all approaching simaritons as it roared uncontroablly. William and Annette were astonished, "Didn't that thing die in Raccoon City?" asked Annette. Wiliam thought about it, "Yeah...but then again didn't we?" They were cut off from their paradox as Nicolai climbed over bar counter, murder in his eyes as he carried a lighter and a bottle of gin in his hands.

Nemesis laughed darkly as it repeatidly slammed Wesker's face onto the hard oak table as Natashia stared horrified. "Hey asshole!" Nemesis grunted in confusion as it turned around, dropping Wesker upon eyeing Nicolai. The Russian took a quick chug of the gin as he sparked up the lighter before spitting out the liquor creating a thin trail of fire that engulfed the roaring monster.

The flaming Nemesis began to charge the Russian who screamed as he darted away from the stampeding inferno. After running a few circles around the bar the Nemesis gave up and decided to just grab the injured Wesker by his arm, and hold him up in the air. It was clear that Wesker was in serious pain from both the Nemesis's crushing grip and the flames coming from it.

William sighed before downing his martini and looking over to his wife, "I gotta go save Wesker" he muttered annoyed as he rose from his feet, taking the barstool with him. Annette gritted her teeth, one thing her husband was not was a warrior so with that in mind she arose from her feet as well, taking her barstool towards the fight.

The Nemesis was having a hell of a time swinging the blonde around like a ragdoll until a pair of stools made contact with the back of his head. Growling he dropped the blonde and turned to the couple, the flames clouding his vision slightly. As the monster began to charge something wrapped around it's leg and caused the giant to topple to the ground, crushing an entire bar table in the process.

Looking behind it, Nemesis realized that it was the long drooling tounge of the landlord licker who decided to help. While on the ground Nicholai came running over from the the nearby pool tables carrying a poolstick. The Russian was in a blind rage as he repeatidly slammed the wooden stick over and over on the beast while screaming, "Ebanatyi pidaraz!"

Nemesis quickly knocked him away and stood up. Looking around it soon realized it was surrounded. William, and Annette stood on one side of the monster holding another pair of barstools, the landlord licker, and a slightly dazed Wesker were on another side each unarmed because of their already enhanced strength, and Nicholai stood in front holding his poolstick which was currently flaming because of coming in contact with the Nemesis.

Nicholai swung at the Tyrant which was quickly blocked before recieveing a painful blow that knocked him across the bar. William and Annette each tossed their barstools but this time they were caught and thrown right back in their faces, knocking them out cold. Wesker and the landlord tried to do a double attack Wesker distracting the beast while the licker crawled on top of the ceiling. He quickly shot his tounge down wrapping it around the Nemsis's neck and pulling it off the ground. While the Nemesis grabbed around wildly at the tounge Wesker began to make the Nemesis his own personal punching bag delivering powerful thrust punchs at lightning fast speed.

As the punchs began to do significant damage the Nemesis growled deeply before thrusting his boot out with such force that Wesker went flying behind the bar and smashing into the vintage wine rack. Looking up at the licker it quickly shot a tenticle that wrapped around the poor landlord and pulled him off the ceiling before being stomped into unconciousness.

Nicolai crawled weakly on his hands and knees to his distant poolstick weapon, hell bent on continuing this futile fight. As he reached forward to snatch the stick he felt crushing pain on his wrist as the Nemesis clamped down on it and lifted him off his feet. Holding out it's other hand a tenticle emerged from it as the beast grinned at the injured Russian. Just as it was about to make Nicolai into another Brad Vickers it heard a voice, "Ok, thats enough Nemmy."

Grunting in confusion it turned around to face Natashia Ginovaeef, "Look Nemesis...your a nice...'guy' and all. But Nicholai is my husband, and he really proved that he loved me today by standing up to you." "S.T.A.R.S?" the Nemesis asked in a question only she could understand, "Yes thats right...it's over."

Nemesis immediatly realeased it's grip on the Russian merc who fell to the ground with a yelp. Nemesis stood there motionless for several seconds just staring at the ground before it did something nothing thought it would ever do...it cried. With several heavy sobs it dashed towards the door not even bothering to open it as the door busted into several pieces, the Nemesis's sobbing echoing in the distance. Wesker who was currently sprawled out on the bar counter and the only one of the group not currently unconcious just stared at the broken door, "...What the hell just happened?"

A half an hour later the group was outside the bar with an awaiting ambulance who was currently stitching up Wesker. Wesker sighed as the needle made it's way through all the laserations on his arms and torso. Glancing over to the side of the bar he grinned slightly at the sight of Nicholai making out with his wife Natashia, and grinned even more when he realized that the restraining order kicked in tommorow. Next to the two Russians he was suprised to see William and Annette making out and was happy to see that their marriage was back on track.

However the biggest suprise and confusion was when the landlord licker walked up with the three hookers under his arms, "Hey thanks for taking me out tonight Wesker, this was just what I needed. Candy, Crystal, and Skye here invited me back to their place. They say they were so impressed by my bravery in that barfight they are offering to give me a 'freebie'...whatever that means. Later." he yelled as the four walked away. Wesker guessed he was happy that he was able to help so many couples tonight but he then started to feel a little lonely and remembered Ada. Thanking the paramedic and hopping into his car he made it back to the apartment complex in record time and ran up to his floor.

Ignoring the frustrated yells coming from Alyssa's apartment he opened his door and was immediatly embraced by Ada who knocked the pair to the floor, "Oh Wesker your home!" she yelled happily as Wesker smiled back, "Yeah, Happy Valentine's day Ada" he said with warmth as the two passionatly kissed while Krauser smirked from his place on the distant couch.

Picking up Ada bridal style he began to march to the bedroom, "Lets celebrate a little more properly" he purred as Ada grinned until she made eye contact with Krauser. Frowning slightly she got out of Wesker's grip and stood up, "You know what Wesker, you go on into the bedroom and i'll be in in just a sec." Wesker nodded and headed into the connecting room while Ada sat down next to Krauser, "Hey Krauser...thanks for showing me I wasn't in love with you." Krauser smiled, "Hey no problem Ada" "You know Krauser its funny. The second you kissed me all my feelings for you just disapered. Ain't that funny?" "Hehe...yeah" Krauser chuckled somewhat sad. Ada leaned over and gave him a friendly kiss on the cheek, "Well goodnight Krauser" she said and walked into the bedroom.

Krauser sighed as he heard the giggling coming from the bedroom as his smiling face instantly fell into a depressed frown. Truth be told when they kissed his plan sort of back-fired. His intial plan was for her to just fall out of love with him, he hadn't expected for him to fall in love with her. That passionate kiss made Krauser fall madly in love with the Asian lady but there was no way he would ever say anything. He wouldn't come between the happiness of his two best friends even if it ate him up inside. Turning off the light he relaxed back in the couch and just stared up at the ceiling, "Farwell...bitch in the red dress" he muttered before closing his eyes and pretending today's events never happened.

It was 3:00 AM when a hard knocking came from the apartment door. As the knocking continued the bedroom door opened up and a pissed off sleepy Wesker stumbled towards the door muttering curse words under his breath from being woken up from the arms of his love.

Reaching the door he opened it up and was about to punch whoever it was who woke him up at this hour until his eyes widened in complete terror. "S.T.A.R.S" the Nemesis muttered sadly holding a suitcase and dufflebag full of his belongings, tears brimming in his eyes. Yesterday's events with the Russian came into his mind at that moment as Wesker screamed bloody murder which echoed through the apartments awaking all the residents up and probably half the city.

_Author's Notes: That ending gag with the Nemesis was just a quick joke and I'm not sure if I should actually put it in the chapter or not. If anybody thinks I should write a chapter about life with Nemesis then plz let me hear your opinions. Sorry I gave Krauser such a depressing ending in this chapter but he gets over it as it won't be mentioned in any other chapter. My next chapter will be a horror-classic chapter. I'm conflicted with doing a parody chapter of either the suspenseful thriller of "Saw" or Jack Nickelson's carrer masterpiece "The Shining". Of course there is gonna be a lot of humor in it since this IS a humor fiction. Your thoughts and reviews are greatly appreciated._


	19. Tricell Terror

House of the Idiots Chapter 19

_Author's Notes: Thank you for all the reviews i've recieved. In this chapter i'm gonna combine living with Nemesis which some thought was a good idea with an entirely original storyline not related to any movies or holidays._

_**READ THIS FIRST!!!:**_ _Their will be several spoilers in this chapter from Resident Evil 5. Although these spoilers aren't so big it is almost mandatory that you at least know characters and the basic storyline from RE5 in order to fully enjoy this chapter. With that said, enjoy._

Krauser's eyes opened slowly as he became aware of his surroundings on the soft yellow couch in the apartment's living room. Sitting up and stretching his arms high in the air he let out a content yawn from the good amount of sleep he got and stood up.

Heading towards the kitchen he scratched his butt and muttered a sleepy "Morning" to a form watching TV on the chair he passed by. "S.T.A.R.S" the form greeted back as it continued to watch TV while Krauser walked into the kitchen to get cereal.

The entrance to the kitchen remained motionless for several seconds before Krauser popped his head out, his eyes widened in terror from the realization of who he just passed. Slowly he tiptoed around the back of the chair holding the Nemesis who continued to watch it's morning talkshows before he quietly opening the door to the bedroom and creeping in.

Noticing both Wesker and Ada laying on the top bunk he walked over to them and started to nudge Wesker, "Wesker...Wesker theres a monster in the living room make it go away." Wesker rolled over in his sleep and gave a frustrated moan, "It was probably the landlord, go away" Wesker muttered without opening his eyes and Krauser sighed.

Moments later as the Nemesis was watching TV it failed to notice Krauser sneak up behind it with a shovel in hand. Holding the shovel over his head he whispered a quick, "Die you son of a bitch" before bringing down the shovel that did...absolutley nothing. Even though the impact was so great and loud the Nemesis didn't even budge or notice it as it channel surfed. Krauser stared wide-eyed at his shovel that now had a perfect indent of Nemesis's head before sighing and walking away.

Another moment later Krauser once again crept up behind the Tyrant but this time he had something a little bit more 'expolosive' then a shovel, "Hehehe I was saving this gernade for that pretty boy Leon but I guess a monster works too" he chuckled to himself as he pulled the pin and rolled the hand gernade underneath of the Nemesis's chair. A violent explosion rocked the apartment as Krauser hid in the kitchen. Looking out his jaw dropped at the sight in the living room. Not only had the gernade not destroyed the Nemesis, but the chair seemed perfectly fine too. "Stupid Korean manufacturing" he muttered about the gernade as he walked away.

Nemesis hummed quietly to itself as it watched Opera before a screaming sound was heard and Krauser came out of the kitchen with a rolling pin and started to wail on the Nemesis, obviously not bothering with stealth this time. "I can't take it anymore!" Krauser screamed as the Nemesis continued to ignore him, "Die die die die di-" his screaming was cut short when the rolling pin flew out of his hands and through the TV.

Krauser's eyes widened at the sight of the broken TV before he heard a deep sinister growl and turned to see the Nemesis slowly rising from it's chair, "Uh...eheh...woops" Krauser could only mutter as Nemesis closed the gap.

Inside the bedroom Wesker held Ada in his arms as the pair slept peacefully on the bottom bunk, not woken by the gernade or any other attempts by Krauser to kill the Nemesis. All was calm, that is until the door flew off the hinges as Krauser plowed through it, screaming as he smacked into a wall and fell to the floor. Ada and Wesker screamed in suprise as they looked at Krauser, "Krauser what in God's name happened?" Ada screamed with both concern for the man and frustration from being woken up.

"S.T.A.R.S" they heard a voice say from the living room before sitting back down in a chair. Ada looked at Wesker, "First Nicolai...and now you bring THAT into are apartment?" Wesker put his hands up defensively, "Hey you brought Billy Cohen here remember." The two glared at each other before Wesker's eyes lit up, "Wait...what time is it?" Ada glanced at the alarm clock, "10:30" she muttered, then her eyes widened too along with Krauser, "10:30?!" they all screamed as they got up from their various positions and began to frantically get dressed.

"How the hell could we oversleep with the big Umbrella meeting today? It's mandatory!" Wesker yelled as he threw on his standard black shirt and sunglasses while Ada messed with her red dress, and Krauser adjusted his beret.

Ten minutes later they were all outside as Wesker got into his black sedan, with Ada riding shotgun, and Krauser in the back. "Alright everybody lets g-" he was cut short when the car leaned violently to the left with a loud creek. Looking behind his seat Wesker realized the Nemesis was trying to get into the sedan, "Oh no...no bad Nemesis, this is a people car!" Ada looked at him, "Come on Wesker, Nemesis works for Umbrella too. We can at least give it a ride after what happened last night." Wesker sighed, "Fine...but the rocket launchers not coming!" he screamed as he noticed the Nemesis trying to sneak it's favorite toy into the back.

Another ten minutes later the Umbrella employees hadn't gotten very far as they were now all stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. _HOOOOOONK_ "Come on move it asshole" Wesker screamed at a fellow motorist while Ada just sighed and Krauser suddenly thought of something, "Hey Wesker? The Nemesis is programmed to hunt down S.T.A.R.S members right?" "Yes why?" Wesker asked wondering where this was going.

"Well...you were assigned as captain of the S.T.A.R.S team in order to get B.O.W info at the mansion right?" "Yes Krauser whats your point?" Wesker growled, impatient as he failed to notice the Nemesis's eye light up in a sudden realization before it came down into a glare, "Well...doesn't that mean the Nemesis should be chasing you?" Wesker and Ada's eyes widened as they heard "S.T.A.R.S!" screamed in the back seat as Wesker muttered, "Aww Krasuer you stupid fu-" at that point all the occupents screamed as the car started to shake violently from the Nemesis trying to complete it's mission.

A good thirty minutes later a beat up sedan wobbled into an Umbrella corp parking spot, the front bumper falling off as the car came to a stop. The dented doors slowly opened as the battered and bruised forms of Wesker, Ada, and Krauser shuffeled along with the Nemesis humming calmly behind them. It took awhile to convince the Nemesis that Wesker wasn't part of S.T.A.R.S anymore and never really was. As the four walked to the front door of the gigantic building they all dusted themselves off and walked inside.

As they passed through the doors not only were they greeted with the warm feeling of the heater but also with the sight of some of the most fucked up beings in the entire world. Everyone that was currently part of the Umbrella Corporation, excluding the Ashford twins and the deceased James Marcus was standing inside the main briefing room, however they were all split up into sections.

Umbrella's top scientists all stood huddled in one corner, two of them William and Annette as they all chatted away about the latest virus research. In the center of the room stood members of the U.B.C.S as they all attended to their M4 carbine rifles.

Three of the most recognizable figures were of Mikahal, Carlos, and none other then Nicolai, who upon noticing Wesker walk in ran up to the blonde with arms outstretched, "Wesker my friend!" the Russian yelled but was immediatly met with a piece of paper being held to his face, "Ten feet at all times Ginovaeef!" Wesker yelled as he held the restraining order up to the U.B.C.S member who just grumbled and walked away.

Nemesis noticed it's group and walked towards the water cooler who had many different Tyrants including Lisa Trevor huddled around it. A few of the Mr. Xs, Tyrants, and Prototyrants held cups of water in their hands as they chatted away about who killed the most zombies and survivors during the breakouts. Upon noticing the Nemesis they all raised their hands and shouted numerous friendly welcomes that consisted of groans and howls.

Ada noticed their corner for special class mercenaries, officers, and spies and after giving Wesker a quick kiss on the cheek took Krauser and walked over to the corner then gave a quick hello to HUNK and Sergei Vladimir (jackass from Umbrella Chronicles). Wesker after making sure all his friends were alright quickly ran over to William and Annette who greeted him with a friendly hello.

Several minutes later everyone fell silent as the familiar humming of an electric battery and squeaky wheels hit everyone's ears. Looking up at a large podium in the front in came into view the wheelchair of none other then Ozwell E. Spencer He stopped in front of the podium and weakly reached over to a control on his chair and switched on a mic.

A loud ringing sound erupted from the mic and everyone covered there ears. A few seconds later Spencer got the mic controls right and spoke into them, "Ahem, sorry. My gosh it is so great to see such a great turnout at this 'mandatory' staff meeting." Many staff members rolled their eyes at the comment and Nicolai gave a small "humf" before the old man continued, "Well anyway the reason I have gathered you all here is for two reasons. Number one, we are currently in production of reconstructing the Spencer Mansion out in the Arklay mansion next to what is left of Raccoon City."

Wesker was a little shocked, "Aww! I thought I finally got rid of that fucking hellhole" he screamed remembering when he needed to fight off Lisa Trevor to make it out in time. Speaking of which the abomination was glaring at Wesker with her several faces from her place over at the watercooler. Spencer cleared his throat and continued, "Ok and second of all...in my absense to oversee construction I have temporarily merged Umbrella with another pharmacutical company."

Gasps and cries of outrage commenced immediately as panic and confusion erupted on the floor, aside from HUNK who just stood against the wall motionless. "What! who?!" screamed Birkin and suddenly a TV screen behind Spencer flared to life and the dreaded symbol of the Tricell corporation was displayed for all to see.

Most of the staff were somewhat familiar with the rival company but Wesker's face could only be described as pure dread and terror as he heard the familiar clicking of heels heading towards the podium. Spencer smiled and raised his hand weakly to motion towards the form walking up to the podium in a pretty revealing cream colored dress, "I present to you the new temporary CEO of Umbrella Corporation, Excella Gionne." Excella took the podium and immediatly let out an evil laughter that had everyone cowering, even the Tyrants.

An hour later all of the Umbrella staff were all sitting in their usual seats in the cafeteria contemplating their fates. Although all the groups were allowed to mix together at this point most decided to stay within their own groups. That is however besides the center table that held the depressed forms of Wesker, Krauser, Ada, William, Annette, Nemesis, and a silent HUNK.

They all ate their cafeteria food in silence except for HUNK who had to liquifiy it and suck it through a straw because his mask wouldn't come off. Everyone let out a uniformed sigh and Ada decided to ask the only person who had any previous experience with the crazed Tricell CEO, "So Wesker, Excella accompanied you on your trip to Africa right? How was she?" "Bitch...that about sums it up" Wesker murmered before taking a bite out of his turkey sandwich. William growled, "That bitch is gonna run this company straight into the ground. She's worse then that skank Alexia."

Everyone nodded in agreement but Krauser had a bright idea, "I got it, all we need to do is get on her good side and i'm sure she'll go easy on us. And since Wesker and her worked together back in Africa i'm sure Wesker can do it." Everyone had a slight glimmer of hope except for Wesker who let out an awkard groan, "Yeah...about that. I really don't think i'm the person to make friends with Excella." Ada glared at him slightly, "Albert...what DID happen in Africa?" she asked thinking either he tried to kill her or even worse, slept with her. Wesker looked up in thought, "Well..."

Flashback:

"This is un...freakin...believable" Wesker muttered as he stared at the monitors that showed both Chris Redfiled and Sheeva Almoar killing numerous infected African soldiers. He really thought he got rid of those two after sending Jill after them but now here they were on board this cargo ship, and he was so close to infecting the world with the Uroboros he couldn't give up now.

Hearing a soft humming he glanced behind him to see Excella preparing a needle for Wesker so that he could continue having his superhuman powers. Walking over to him, Excella sat down and rolled up the blonde man's sleeve and injected the needle, "Soon Wesker...soon we will have are new world and we will be together forever." Wesker's eyes lit up at the last remark. Together forever? He had a girlfriend back in the states their was no way he was gonna rule the world with this crazed Tricell CEO, "Yeaaaaah...about that-" he could see Excella tense slightly as he began, "-Theres this girl back home, and things are kinda getting serious...but um...thanks for the offer though."

Wesker couldn't see Excella's reaction as she stared at the floor but it must have been on of extreme anger because seconds later the small glass needle was crushed in her bare hand and Wesker's eyes widened, "Bu-but of course you'll still have a high position in my new world!" Wesker yelled at the angry trembling form and the blonde gulped as Excella made eye contact with him before she lunged forward knocking him to the ground while straddling him. She repeatidly slammed his head onto the hard surface of the ship cracking his glasses, "You no good son of a bitch!" she screamed and Wesker now realized that this bitch was REALLY crazy.

He couldn't comprehend what happened next as Excella somehow gained enough brute strength to pick the man up off the ground by the neck and throw him through a door that led to the little mini lab where he kept his Uroboro's specimens. Getting up he stared at the apporaching form of the stomping girl, "Oh my God oh my God oh my God what do I do" Wesker paniced as he stared franticly around the small room before spotting a little needle that held Uroboros. Grabbing the needle he felt Excella latch on to his shirt and then pick him up again, this time with just one hand.

Excella brought her fist back and was about to punch Wesker's lights out before she felt a sharp pain in her neck. Glancing her eyes over they widened as the small Uroboros creature could be seen leaving the clear needle and going into her neck. Dropping Wesker she stumbled back a couple of steps while holding her neck with one of her hands.

Staggering over to the door she moaned in pain slightly as she pushed it open and left Wesker by himself in the control room. Wesker sighed as he walked over to the monitors and saw Excella make her way over to a group of bodies that were laying on the main deck of the ship. He watched Chris and Sheva approach her and he smiled slightly as he knew once Uroboros regected her she would mutate and would most likely finish off those two thorns in his side. As he watched her scream in pain one lone thought made him shiver, "Please God do not let that virus accept her" he prayed as he thought of a superhuman Excella coming after him.

End Flashback:

"Whats weird is that the virus did reject Excella and she was taken down by Chris and Sheva. How the hell could she have survived?" asked Wesker as the group stared wide-eyed at the story he just told. Ada was at least happy that Wesker didn't cheat on her but she knew Excella would want to get revenge on Wesker and the company he worked for. As if on cue the intercoms stationed on the ceiling came to life and the elegant voice of Excella screamed into them, "Lunch time is over peasents, back to work!" Everyone began to rise until Excella began again, "Oh...and would Albert Wesker please come to my office?" Everyone in the room stared sympathetically at the blonde who could only gulp, and after recieving some reassuring pats on the back he left the room and headed towards the main office.

Panic overcame Wesker as he slowly shuffeled towards the large oak door at the end of the hallway. At that moment he despised Spencer more then usual, "One of these days i'm gonna shove my hand right through that son of a bitch" he muttered as he slowly opened the door to the large office. The room seemed to be pitch black, the only light coming from the hallway as Wesker stepped inside.

He could make out the back of a large leather chair in the distance and knew Excella must have been sitting in it, "Um...you wanted to see me?" With his super hearing he could slightly hear a small chuckle come from the chair before it spun around and Excella smirked at the cowering blonde, "Albert Wesker...long time no see."

Wesker was in disbelief at the current sight of Excella Gionne as several small tenticales from the Uroboros slivered around her arms. Her eyes were glowing yellow like all those infected with the virus and through her revealing dress you could see hundreds of veins while she smiled wikedly at the man before her. 'So Uroboros did accept her' he thought as Excella let out a menacing laugh that echoed not only within the office but throughout the entire building as all of the staff members shivered from their positions.

_Author's Notes: Sorry I cut this chapter short but I wanted to make a whole chapter of all the Umbrella employees banning together to get rid of Excella. Also the rebuilding of the Spencer Mansion is the prelude to the storyline coming after the Excella one. Plz review if you enjoyed._

_For those who read this without playing the game, Excella is the CEO of the Tricell corporation. She banned together with Wesker to try and release a new creature called Uroboros on the world that would turn everyone into mindless slaves. However she was betrayed by Wesker and was killed after being injected by the Uroboros which rejected her. In the next chapter it will explain how she is still alive._


	20. Can You Spare an Umbrella?

_Author's Notes: Hello everyone. In this chapter there will be comedy but also a serious part or two. Also I believe this chapter has the best fight scene i've had in any of my stories so far._

_**Please Read First:**__ This chapter has RE5 spoilers and pretty much spoilers for most of the RE games even if they are just names of characters. It is suggested but not mandatory that you at least know names of the people from RE5 in order to enjoy this more. With that said, enjoy._

House of the Idiots Chapter 20

Wesker stood motionless in the pitch black room, the only sign of life from his frozen horrorstricken face was his illabored breathing as he trembled from the form slowly rising from it's seat a few feet away. The form's arms seemed to be alive as a seemingly endless supply of tenticles twisted and rotated around the two slim arms they sprouted from. The form's two illuminated golden orbs glared intently at the blonde as it made a small pace forward, the clicking of heels echoing throughout the small enclosure of the room.

The form slowly circled the blonde who remained firmly planted, with eyes that stared straight ahead in fear of making eye contact with the small but deadly creature. Wesker shuddered as Excella's hand was gently placed on his shoulder, the tenticles slowly wrapping around the man's toned chest and pulling him closer as Excella's chin rested on Wesker's other shoulder. Tricell's CEO grinned wickedly as she whispered in Wesker's ear, "Welcome to hell...bitch."

And Wesker screamed like a pansy.

Annette strudded down the main hallway of the Umbrella Corporation's building her eyes fixated upon a form she needed to have reviewed by her husband over some changes to the chemical makeup of a new virus experiment the research team was working on. Walking right into a small room she began to take her eyes off the page, "William I need you to to go over this form for m-WILLIAM!!!" Annette screamed as she came upon the sight of William Birkin sticking the barrel of a 9mm handgun in his mouth.

Running over she fought for control of the gun before finally gaining the upper hand on her rather effeminate husband and pulled the gun away, "William what on earth were you thinking?!" she screamed and William burst into tears, "I just don't know what to do! Now that Excella is ahead of everything all hope his lost! We are all doomed don't you get it!" Annette was in shocked that that was the reason her husband almost committed suicide, "Oh William you are completly overreacting. Just because Excella is the new president of the company doesn't mean that she is going to doom us all."

William sighed, "Your right Annette i'm sure it won't be all ba-" "AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Both Birkins stared at the doorway into the hallway as Wesker ran by, seconds later followed by a couple of slimey tenticles that wrapped around the blonde and pulled him back past the doorway and to wherever he came from, "No! NO! SHES GOING TO EAT MY SOUL!!!!" the blonde's voice echoed down the hall.

William and Annette stared in quiet shock at the vacant doorway until Annette quickly lifted the gun up to her chin and pulled the trigger, only recieving a click instead of the freedom she wanted, "William honey...you forgot to load the gun" she sighed as the two thought of what was going to happen now that Excella was in control.

The silent mercenary HUNK made his way towards the company's gym in order to help maintain his rather impressive physique. However his awesome body was overlooked even though he only wore a pair of training shorts because of the grey gasmask/helmet combination he wore over his head and refused to take off.

As he walked by two female receptionists they both gave off looks of digust by the man they dubbed a 'weirdo' but he payed them no intrest until he stopped as Excella who had reverted back to her regular form stood in front of him, and glared at the confused merc, "I don't know who allowed you to wear that silly mask but while you are in MY building you will take off that ridiculous thing." HUNK was horrified and lifted up a finger in order to protest even though he couldn't speak, but that didn't seem to be a problem as Excella cut him off, "That's final!"

HUNK hung his head in defeat as the two receptionists snickered however it was shortlived as the helmet came off revealing chizeled features, short blonde hair, and rugged stubble forming under his chin. Although Excella was unaffected as she walked away the two receptionist's jaws dropped at the sight of the man before them. They now realized why his name was HUNK because the man couldn't be described as anything but hunky.

Diving over the receptionist desk they glomped the poor man who fell to the ground and groaned as they fondeled his body. This was the reason he wore a mask. Only one thought went through his mind while he lay there being molested, that bitch Excella was going to pay.

Ada's head felt like she went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson as she slowly regained conciousness although she wasn't sure how or when she lost it to begin with. As her eyes fluttered open she first realized that she was laying on a cold cement floor in a dark room. Sitting up she was able to make out a bunch of long forms in front of her and reached her hand out to feel it. Upon feeling metal bars she was able to guess where she was, "I'm...in the prison" she muttered in disbelief at being in one of the holding cells Umbrella used on people who knew too much.

"Very good Ms. Wong" came the sultry reply as a small dangling light outside the cell was turned on and Excella grinned evily through the bars, "It is soooo nice to finally meet the aquantince of the woman who was able to steal Albert's love." Ada's eyes lit up, she knew the bitch would be jealous of her but this was going too far.

"I don't know what you thought you had with Wesker but he isn't in love with you and never will be!" Excella could only chuckle, "Oh never say never darling. I can get the blonde to love me, even if I have to go into his head and do it manuelly. If the Nemesis could be programmed to hunt down and murder people then i'm sure a man can be programmed to love" she smirked at Ada's horrified expression before pulling the metal cord attached to the dangling lightbulb and leaving the young Asian woman in a dark solitude.

Nicholai Ginovaeef was a man of unbelievable cunning and charisma that had made him all but invinsible during the bloody seige of Raccoon City by the ruthless undead. He was experienced in many forms of combat both physical, and phycological. He could face any enemy, decieve even the most intellegent of scholars, and survive armagedon itself...however as he sat in Excella's private chambers scrubbing the bitch's high heeled shoes with a toothbrush, he was ready to go insane.

Grumbling as he moved the toothbrush back and forth over the heel of a rather elegant pair of golden heels he heard a frustrated growl come from next to him, "This is bullshit!" came a thick Spanish accent and he turned to make eye contact with Carlos Oliviera, "I fullheartidly agree with you comrade."

Carlos finished his own pair of heels and threw them into the clean pile with anger, "Why the hell are Umbrella's top biohazard countermeasure officers being forced to clean shoes? If I wanted to clean for a living I would have just jumped the border with my family instead of joining this mercenary group." The third and final mercenary, Mikahel groaned slightly, "The boss said that since there hasn't been a biohazard outbreak in over six years that we need to start pulling are weight around here. Now stop your whining before she comes back" he muttered to his Spanish comrade as all three thought of ways to get revenge on Excella for this humiliation.

Giant steeltoed boots made their way, stomping down the numerous halls of the Umbrella Corporation. Their owner, the gigantic, trenchcoated form of the Nemesis continued it's sprinting in an eager attempt to find it's most valuable poessesion. Down the hall it was currently running through, William Birkin was slowly walking in the opposite direction going over the form Annette had given him.

Upon feeling the earth shake William glanced up in shock as the Nemesis blindly charged screaming it's trademark word of "S.T.A.R.S!!!" Birkin screamed and turned on his heel sprinting back the way he came in a futile attempt to outrun the tyrant.

A few seconds later Birkin was knocked out of the way and through a window shouting as he fell two stories and into one of the bushes in the company's courtyard. With a groan the scientist exited the bush on his hands and knees. Upon standing up he brushed himself off before hearing a Russian voice next to him, "Hehehe, nice of you to drop in comrade."

Looking over Birkin's eyes narrowed into a slight glare when they made contact with Sergei Vladimir who was currently lounging on one of the many park benchs the courtyard had to offer. The sergeant took a sip of his cola and grinned at the scientist, "So who threw you through the window? Or were you just trying to end your mediocure life?"

Birkin never liked the Russian man, because of the guy's asshole personality along with the fact that he had tried to kill his best friend in the past but he raised an eyebrow in confusion when Sergei patted the spot next to him in an offer for the young scientist to sit down.

"I'll stand thanks" Birkin muttered before answering, "...It was the Nemesis. He is freaking out for some reason." Sergei laughed but it wasn't at Birkin, "The beast is looking for it's rocket launcher." William was suprised that Sergei would know why the Nemesis was running around, "How do you know that?" "Because Excella has taken it" Birkin was slightly taken back, "What?! Why would the new boss do that?" Sergei pointed out into the courtyard and Birkin was horrified at the scene unfolding in the large grass clearing.

A large Hummer sped dangerously around in circles kicking up the grass and dirt of the field, and every once in a while a flower patch. In the driver's seat was a typcial limo driver but with their body sticking out of the sunroof was Excella who held in her hand the missing rocket launcher that the Nemesis was going crazy over.

What really got Birkin's attention was that poor Jack Krauser was in front of the Hummer, running for dear life as Excella fired rockets at the marine while laughing maniaclly. "Poor bastard has been running from that Hummer for almost thirty minutes now" Sergei muttered before facing Birkin, "I suggest you really take up my offer to sit. I have a propostion for you." Birkin glared for a few seconds before sitting down, "How about we join forces Mr. Birkin in order to eliminate our company of this...unwelcome guest" Sergei chuckled.

Birkin thought the idea was good but needed to ask, "If we are getting rid of Excella why don't we just let everyone else in on it. Then we can be done with her and give the company back to Spencer." Sergei grinned a sly grin, "Oh Mr. Birkin you entertain me...I have no intention of giving the company back to that man who has no vision, not like me...and you." William's face lit up in suprise as he stared at Sergei's grinning face inchs away from his own.

Then just as quick his face came down into smirk just as diabolical at the thought of him being a company CEO.

HUNK muttered to himself as he walked down the halls, his shirtless body and helmetless head all covered in sweat. However this sweat wasn't from a recent workout from the gym that he was hoping on getting, but instead from running away trying to flee those damn fangirls. While running away from the receptionists he passed by some of the lonelier female scientists who aslo joined in the chase. But luckily with his stealth and evasive skills he was able to sneak away.

He walked up to the office, whos owner was the cause of all his woes. Kicking in Excella's door he stormed in and was about to give the girl a piece of his mind. However he didn't walk in on Excella but instead Albert Wesker who was hogtied on the desk, wearing a pink frilly dress and had a ball gag in his mouth.

HUNK stood agasp at the pitiful sight of his coworker and quickly ran to his aide, first pulling off the gag and started to work on the ties. Wesker was grateful at being able to talk but he needed to ask, "Who the hell are you?" HUNK stared at him in a few second of silence before Wesker realized who it was, "HUNK?...wow I always thought you looked like Frakenstein under that mask."

HUNK finished with the ties and Wesker rubbed his reddened wrists as he sat on the desk before he remembered his current attire of a pink dress. HUNK couldn't help but smirk as Wesker's face lit up like a tomato before it came down to a sneer as he looked over to his silent friend, "HUNK...how would you like to help me get rid of a certain Tricell CEO? There might be a spot as vice president open afterwards" HUNK thought for a few seconds about overthrowing the corporation with Wesker and gave a nod before shaking hands with the blonde.

Annette sighed as she walked through the courtyard, trying to take her mind off the merger among other things. However she soon saw the current state of the flowers and fields that were once so full of color, reduced to nothing but dirt and it was enough to make her migraine worse. Hearing growns coming from the dirt she ran over to a distant spot and found Krauser sprawled out face down in the mud, motionless.

After about a minute of digging with her hands Annette was able to help the mentally handicap marine out of the dirt who breathed a sigh of relief, "Krauser what on earth happened?" Krauser burst into tears as he told her the whole ordeal with the hummer and rocket launcher while Annette listened sympathetically. When he was done Annette growled, "How could Excella do that. Well Krauser listen, even though we haven't been so close in the past I say we join together to get rid of that bitch. Then we can be the bosses!" Krauser thought for a minute, "But...what about Spencer...and my friends...and your nerdo husband?"

Annette sneered, "Screw them Krauser! Me and you have been taking crap from all of them for years. Just think of what we could accomplish if me and you become partners of the corporation!" Krauser thought of what it would be like if he was the president, "Hmn..."

_Krauser's Vision_

_The scene set on giant chocolate throne within a humungous throne room. On that throne made of choclatey goodness sat Krauser. Laying on piles of lavish pillows next to the throne were Ada, Alyssa, and the Alexia all clad in bikinis as they lay there staring up lustfully at there king. On the other side of the throne Wesker fanned King Krauser with a gigantic peacock feather while smiling like an idiot._

_King Krauser smirked as he sipped a glass of wine and watched the entertainment which consisted of Alfred Ashford in a gester's costume dancing like a moron. Krauser stuck his fist out and with one motion gave a thumbs down which in turn released a group of hunters that attacked the screaming Albert._

_Suddenly he heard a form approach and turned to see his queen, Annette Birkin dressed in a extravagent and long flowing gown. In her hand was a leash which was attached to William Birkin who was reduced to a dog as he barked and panted mindlessly. _

_Krauser grinned, "My queen! How are you on this most glorious day!" He got up with hands outstretched walking towards Annette who's face remained emotionless. As he got closer he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his stomach and looked down to see Annette holding a dagger with the blade deep in Krauser's abdomen._

_Stumbling back he fell to the ground and looked up as Annette laughed evilly, "It seems my king...that your time of rule has run out!" she screamed before she suddenly started to convulse and then began to come apart in a bunch of metal pieces._

_Her form grew bigger as the metal pieces rearranged themselves until it was no longer the form of Queen Annette Birkin but instead the horrific metal form of Megatron. It aimed it's laser cannon and fired at the screaming Krauser. When the dust cleared Krauser was nothing but a pile of bones and ashes._

_End Vision_

Annette raised an eyebrow as Krauser stared off into space, drool slowly making it's way down his mouth. Suddenly he became aware once more and looked at Annette with paniced eyes, "But I hate Decepticons!" screamed Krasuer and Annette stared in disbelief at the retarded man before her. She then gave a sigh, "I'll take that as a yes."

Excella Perone growled to herself as she walked out of her office, and down the hall. It seemed that Wesker had managed to escape, but she didn't have time for that now. Even though she was the CEO she still had to do work around here but while she walked out the front door and towards her car for a meeting she didn't realize she was currently being looked at through the scope of a sniper rifle.

Perched on a building perpendicular to the Umbrella Corporation was Carlos, Nicholai, and Mikahel. Carlos leaned against the roof door as he smoked a cigarette, Nicholai was drinking from the bottle of his favorite Russian vodka, and Mikahel was currently in charge of staking out the building with his dragunov sniper rifle. He moved the sniper slightly to keep his shot aligned with Excella's head, "I got the bitch in my sights" he muttered which obtained the attention of his two coworkers, "Well what are you waiting for...shoot the bitch" Carlos muttered in a stereotypical Mexican accent (think Cheech from Cheech and Chong).

At the same time at the very bottom of the building, both Wesker and HUNK were hiding behind a nice white covertable while they watched Excella get into her black Escalade. Wesker grinned, "Ok HUNK shes getting into her car. Just use your uber ninja stealth skills to sneak up there and kill her." HUNK glared at him in silence and Wesker sighed, "Yes HUNK I know i'm more suited to do this with my superhuman speed but...you know what just shut the hell up and go" he yelled and pushed HUNK from behind the car.

HUNK fell to the ground and looked up in a panic to see if Excella had spotted him. Luckily she didn't and he got up and began to creep across the street to the Escalade. Since he wasn't in the building he was allowed to wear the helmet, but hell he was about to kill the person who made that rule so he guessed it didn't matter.

Inside a black cadillac a block away sat William Birkin in the driver's seat with Sergei Vladimir in the passengers'. Sergei checked to make sure his uzi was fully loaded while Birkin gripped the wheel in a slight panic, "I can't believe we are about to do a drive-by" he muttered while Sergei laughed.

HUNK was able to creep all the way up to the stationary Escalade and hid in the front, pulling out a pistol and began to twist the silencer on it. At the same time Excella started the engine and was preparing to pull away. Putting the car in drive she was about to step on the gas when she dropped her favorite lipstick on the floor.

Meanwhile William stepped on the gas of his sedan and sped towards the escalade while Sergei stuck his upper body out the window, readying the gun.

While she was reaching down to get her lipstick HUNK took this time to jump up and aim his pistol at the driver's seat. Unfortuneatly Mikahel also took this time to fire his rifle, as the confused HUNK stared at the seemingly empty driver's seat. The bullet of the rifle struck the side of HUNK's helmet which ricochied off and headed downards, striking the wheel of Birkin's sedan as it sped by. Both William and Sergei screamed as the tire burst and the car lost control, running off the road and towards Wekser.

Wesker held up his hands in a pathetic attempt to stop the sedan as it smashed past the convertable he was hiding behind and smacked him into the wall. Excella pushed on the gas petal while still under the seat and unfortunatly HUNK didn't have time to move as the massive SUV plowed over him. Excella felt the bump but paid it no mind as she found the lipstick and began appling it as she drove down the street, the poor form of HUNK being dragged along, his armor making sparks as they sped down the busy street.

In a cadillac parked on the side of the Umbrella corporation Annette sighed as she witnessed the failures of all three of the rival groups which Excella wasn't even aware of, that is...till now. Annette grinned evilly as she pulled out a controller with only one big red button and long antenna. Krauser sitting beside him only frowned as he looked at the carnage, "Poor HUNK" he sighed while watching the Escalade go by but Annette cut him off, "Don't worry about him Krauser hes a goner! Because once I press this button and that car bomb goes off, we are going to be the top dogs around here!" she laughed and pressed the button to the bombs.

However her victory laugh was cut short when she heard an 'uh'. She quickly turned to Krauser, "What?" "...I didn't know you meant to put it under 'her' car." Annette was confused and mad, "What?! Well what the hell car did you think I meant to put it under?" Krauser was shaking a little, "All you said was 'put it under the car' and I wasn't sure what car was hers so I just placed it under the first car I saw." Annette sighed, "Well what car did you put it under."

All the color in her face went away as she started to hear a beeping that became progressivly faster coming from under the car, "Aww Krauser you son of a b-" _BOOM!!! _The remains of the flaming cadillac flew through the air, ejecting the forms of Krauser and Annette who screamed as they made contact with the road.

Mikahel stared horrifed at the current situation of all his co-workers through the scope and couldn't put into words how bad this went. Carlos flicked his cigarette butt off the building and looked at his friend, "Well Mikahel, did you hit her?" "Um...not exactly."

It was past nine at night when Excella finally returned from her rather boring meeting with an international client. Stepping out of the Escalade she hummed to herself as she walked up the stairs to her new company's main building. As she got to the glass door she paused as she realized that the lobby was pitch black.

Slowly pushing the door in see took a few steps into the darkness, her yellow eyes illuminating in the darkness as she began to activate the uroboros she had gotten to accept her with extreme will power. The darkness brought back memories as she thought back to clawing her way out of that gigantic uroboros creature that had consumed her. With extreme will power she was able to subdue the weakened parasite that still loomed within her and had finally got it to accept her.

As she had suespected the lights suddenly flashed one while she stepped to the middle of the room, and she found herself surrounded by every Umbrella employee excluding Ada who was still locked up and Nemesis who was still in the process of finding his beloved rocket launcher. The various groups formed to take down Excella were now merged. Excella glanced back and forth at the numerous scientists armed with chairs and testubes, mercenaries armed with firearms, and tyrants armed with just their claws.

Wesker took a step forward wearing his kickass trenchcoat as he made a pose with his magnum and silenced pistol. With his coat flowing behind him he slowly pulled off his trademark sunglasses and sneered at the woman before her, "Miss Perone...my name is Albert Wesker you have killed my company, prepare to die! (movie reference) In all honestly Excella was a little nervous, she didn't know Umbrella had so many employees although she did have the superior virus and as she fully activated it she found comfort in the familiar feeling of the tenticles on her arms wrapping themselves around her.

"You want me? Come get me!!!" she screamed and as they all charged she gave a smirk before sticking her arms out to there sides and slowly closed her eyes. When the mob finally got close enough she quickly opened them in a glare and the tenticles shot out in almost unlimited numbers. The mob gave out screams as the tenticles wrapped around their bodies and lifted them off the round.

Excella began to spin around in circles, in turn causing the defenseless employees to be spun around in circles. After about seven spins she released the tenticles and watched in amusement as the employees flew through the air. Most smashed into and through walls, but some smashed into the lobby's fountain, flew through windows and doors, and got caught on the dangling chandilier.

When the dust cleared Excella panted heavilly at the amount of energy it took to do what she just did. Although most of the employees were incapacitated there were the inevitiable fools that dared to rise. It wasn't too bad, there was Lisa Trevor, two mercs, Mikahel, HUNK, and suprisingly two common scientists. She was suprised that both Wesker and Krauser were knocked out cold but she guessed that was two less people to get in her way.

Excella decided to go on the offense quickly and shot out one of her tenticles towards the mercs. As the one on the left began to rise he was suddenly impaled by the tenticle much to the shock of the one on the right. As he began to shoot at the tenticle Excella shot another one that sneaked up behind him and wrapped around his neck. Pulling him off the ground she quickly snapped his neck and turned to her left.

She was caught off guard when she turned as HUNK attempted to slash Excella with his combat knife. Stepping back Excella smirked before holding out her hand and allowing a couple dozen Uroboro's tenticles to sliver off and jump at the masked merc, "I thought I told you to take off the helmet" she laughed as the poor man fell to the ground and began to struggle in an attempt to fight off the slimey little creatures.

The laugh was cut short when she felt bullets riddle her back and stepped forward in more annoyance then pain. Looking over her shoulder she saw Mikahel begin taking pop shots from his AK-74 and she sneered before turning towards the older Russian.

While the epic battle took place the Nemesis had stumbled upon the Corporation's prison in it's ongoing attempt at finding it's precious rocket launcher. Walking into the murky and dark prison it spotted a small frail figure huddeled into one of the cells and slowly walked over.

Ada wrapped her arms around her legs as she held back the tears she wanted to shed. However she heard heavy footsteps and looked up to see Nemmy walking up her. She grinned as she stood up, "Nemesis! Quickly bust me out of here!" She was confused when she saw the Nemesis look around before shrugging and begin to walk away. Ada had to think quickly, "Uh-uh-uh your looking for something?...Like a person...or um a weapon?" Upon saying weapon she got the response she wanted as the Nemesis stopped in it's tracks, listening, "Oh...OH your looking for your rocket launcher. Well look, you bust me out and i'll help you find it!" she shouted.

The Nemesis walked over to the bars and gripping two in his hands, he shouted "S.T.A.R.S!!!" before tearing the bars off of their foundation, and Ada was free.

Mikahel slashed out violently with his knife as the tenticle wrapped itself tighter around his body. Excella was laughing at the man before a thick wooden block made contact with her head, and she fell forward with a yell. Mikahel took this time to pull himself away and looked over to see that his savior was none other then Lisa Trevor who had struck the crazed woman with the wooden shackles on her wrists.

Excella groaned as she stumbled to her feet and quickly turned around, punching Lisa in one of her many faces. The creature flew back with a howl as Mikahel got behind her with his arms outstretch. Mikahel was able to catch the girl as they fell to the ground from the force along with the size of Ms. Trevor. Lisa looked up into Mikahel's eyes, "Are you alright dear?" he whispered to the creature and if Lisa had any blood in her cheeks, then she would have definatly blushed. (MikahelxLisaTrevor. Yay my best crack pairing yet!)

Excella quickly murdered the two scientists before turning back to the horrorstricken Lisa and Mikahel. As she raised her arms over her head and was about to slay the two she suddenly felt a sold force smack into her back and a second later explode engulfing her in flames. (Sorry for all the cheapshots to Excella's back)

Excella screamed as she got to her knees in pain. She heard the familiar scream of "S.T.A.R.S!!!" and looked behind her to see Nemesis holding his before missing rocket launcher. On his shoulder sat Ada Wong who smirked at the opposing woman (If I ever do a fanart I think i'm gonna do one of this scene. I would love a picture of Ada sitting on top of the Nemesis charging an tenticled Excella lol)

Excella stumbled to her feet and growled, "I thought I rid myself of you, Miss Wong." Ada laughed, "Apparently not...Miss Perone." Excella began screaming as she sprinted towards the beast while Nemesis gave his trademark roar before he himself charged. As they closed the gap Excella shot out a wave of parasites that were easily swatted away by the tyrant. Excella could only brace for impact as the side of the rocket launcher connected with her cheek.

It hurt but not enough to stop her. As the Nemesis held up it's free hand it produced a slimey purple tenticle which Excella countered with one of her own. The two tenticles intertwined each other and as the two fought for control Ada used this time to pull out her blacktail and began shooting Excella in the chest at point blank range.

Excella roared out in pain and countered by releasing another onslaught of tenticles. The slimey little creatures crawled up the Nemesis's arm and onto Ada who screamed before falling backwards off the Nemesis, and onto the floor. As Ada and HUNK fought off the parasites Excella thrusted one of her main tenticles through the Nemesis's trenchcoat and through the beast's body.

Nemesis roared in pain as the tenticles twisted and turned in it's body but it wouldn't give up. It refused to lose again, after it's upset with Jill Valentine. "S.T.A.R.S!" it yelled before grabbing the intruding tenticle and pulling out of it's body. It took a couple steps back and aimed the rocket launcher at the girl.

Upon firing the rocket, Excella quickly batted it away before the rocket boaster came on and when it did it flew towards the shocked Lisa and Mikahel. Lisa thinking fast pushed her new Russian friend away in time but as a result took the full blast of the rocket. Mikahel watched in horror as Lisa gave a death scream, several pieces of tenticles and faces flying from the explosion.

When the flames cleared the burning form of Lisa Trevor fell to her knees, the damage from the rocket too severe even for her as she fell sprawled out on the ground, her shackles giving off a rickety noise as she lay motionless.

Mikahel looked at the lifeless form of Lisa, memories flooding back to when he watched his sister die during the war in a similar fashion. He began to scream bloody murder as he charged the struggling forms of the Nemesis and Excella. As he enclosed on them he looked down at Ada who was fighting off the last couple parasites at the feet of the Nemesis, "Get out of here!" he screamed and Ada wasted no time halling ass as Mikahel pulled out a gernade and pulled the pin.

Excella and Nemesis heard the screaming and looked over in shock as Mikahel dove at them with the gernade, "Bonzai!!!" he screamed and Nemesis could only think of one thing as the Russian landed on it, 'Not again'. The explosion was massive but contained enough that most of the unconcious forms in the surrounding area didn't recieve any damage.

Ada being the only one left stared at the cloud of smoke and fire before seeing a form begin to walk out of it. She held her breath in anticipation but breathed in relief as the Nemesis took slow steps out of the blaze. Suddenly it turned into horror as the Nemesis slowly fell to it's knees and then fully to the ground. Behind where he once stood, two yellow eyes glared at the Asian through the thickets of smoke.

Excella slowly staggered out of the blaze, walking over the Nemesis's form she spit on it before edging towards the shocked Asian woman. Ada looked around to see if anyone could help her, but besides HUNK who was still fighting off the tenticles there was nobody. The damage to Excella was massive, her face was cinged in numerous spots, her one tenticle arm was losing tenticles with ever step she took, and her other tenticle arm didn't even exist anymore because she was now absent of her left arm.

She finally made her way over to Ada who was on her butt trying to back away from the crazed girl. Excella raised her arm up in the air and was about to cut the girl down when the front door opened, "Ah its great to be-WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Excella and Ada turned to see Ozwell Spencer wheel himself through the front door and stared agasp at the current state of his employees. Spencer spotted the two and began to move his wheelchair towards them, running over many unconcious forms on the floor, along with the very concious HUNK who screamed a muffeled scream through his mask as the heavy wheels ran over his balls.

He rode up to the two and glared at Excella, "Ms. Perone I leave you in charge of my company for two days and you let everyone take naps on the job?!" Excella was up to animalistic thinkng at this point as she glared at the wheelchaired man, "Fuck you old man! This company is now mine! I am the chosen one to rule the world, not you! I am a God!" Spencer just glared at the woman, "Hmn...so be it" he muttered in an almost bored tone before pressing a big red button on his wheel chair.

The two woman stared in shock as a long metal rod extended on the back of the chair. Then it extended outward revealing a giant laser beam. With another press of the button the laser fired blasting the stunned Excella into nothing but a thick black powder. Ada stared agasp at the pile of ash that was a few seconds ago murdering the entire company.

Spencer pressed a few more buttons and the laser retracted only to be replaced by a huge speaker. A little microphone extended up to Spencer's mouth, but he temporarily coverd it as he turned his head to Ada, "Cover your ears Miss. Wong." Ada quickly clasped her hands over her ears as Spencer shouted into the mic, "Alright you lazy bastards!!! The freeloading is over now, so get the fuck up and back to work!!!"

The dozens of bodies spread out over the floor suddenly jumped back into conciouness at the ear piercing shrieks of Spencer. Everyone...well everyone left got to their feet and looked around confused. Spencer shook his head and turned to Ada, "There a bunch of lazy bastards. Miss. Wong, I believe since you and HUNK were the only ones kind enough not to sleep on the job, i'm giving you two raises." Ada chuckled awkardlly as she rubbed the back of her head.

It was about eleven at night as the doors of the Umbrella Corporation opened once more, but this time to allow everyone to go home. The dozens of employees leaving were either limping or had bandages all over their bodies. The first out were HUNK, Sergei, and the fully bandaged form of Nemesis who screamed muffeled "S.T.A.R.S" through it's wrappings from time to time.

Wesker, Krauser, William, and Annette were the next out but as Ada began to run to follow them she noticed Carlos and Nicolai staring at the spot where Mikahel made his valient sacrifice. Walking up to them she noted that Carlos was on one knee, and had his head bowed in prayer, a rosary firmly in his hand.

What was really suprising was that she noticed one single tear fall from Nicolai's face, "Are you...ok Nicholai?" Ada asked the man she once thought of as a heartless pig. Nicholai jumped slightly being caught having feelings, and turned away wiping the tear, "I'm fine" he muttered in what he tried to make a cold tone but it came out cracked.

Ada frowned sympathetically at the silver haired man and gave him a quick hug, "We're all going to miss him" she whispered which caused Nicholai to choke before breaking down in tears. He got to his knees as his emotions poured out and Carlos put a reassuring arm on his shoulder as he continued his prayer. Ada smiled at the two before turning and walking away to join the group.

As the group of four made there way to the parking lot Ada thought it was only fair to tell them what happened, "Wait a minute, Spencer killed Excella with a laser beam?!" Wesker asked in disbelief. Ada nodded, "Yep. It took him only five seconds to reduce her to dust." Sergei, Krauser, William, Annette, Wesker, and HUNK could only gulp as only one thought came to their minds while piling into their cars, 'Thank Christ that we didn't try to overthrow him.'

Around one A.M the scene sets on the apartment of Umbrella's three finest. Suddenly the screech of the phone jolted Wesker from his sleep as he stumbled off the couch and towards the kitchen. In the dark in his dazed state he slammed into the wall at full strength, "Ah...damnit" he muttered as he held his forehead with one hand and picked up the phone with the other, "Hello" he muttered almost inaudible.

However the voice on the other side heard it, which suprised Wesker when he found out who it was, "Wesker!" he heard Spencer yell cheerfully in the other end. Wesker sighed, "Mr. Spencer you can't keep calling my apartment everytime you get hopped up on painkillers." Spencer laughed on the other end and Wesker was about hang up, "Thats not why I called. I forgot to tell you before you left, you know the alzheimers and everything." Wesker rolled his eyes.

"The Spencer Estate is now fully reconstructed and fully operational again." Wesker groaned, "You told me that before sir" "But what I didn't tell you is that I need someone to be a caretaker for it for the next week or so, and I thought since your the only employee left who has prior experience with it that you would be perfect."

Wesker wanted to strangle the old man through the phone, "Oh for Christ's sakes...ok when do you need me to go?" "First thing tommorow morning" Spencer said cheerfully. Wesker rubbed his temple, "Is this optional?" "No" _Click_ As the phone went back to the familiar dialtone Wesker growled as he stood up. Heading to the bedroom he prepared himself to wake up his roomates and then begin to pack.

_Author's Notes: Well there you have it. This chapter is both comedy and tragedy crammed into one. For the fans of this story I suggest you brush up on the movie "The Shining" in order to enjoy my next chapters haha. Thank you and plz read and review._


	21. Spencer's Super Shining Special

_Author's Notes: This is going to be my Halloween Chapter since I don't update often. This is going to be parodied off of the 1980 cult classic The Shining starring Jack Nickelson so I STRONGLY suggest you be at least aware of some parts of the movie to fully enjoy this. However i'm sure you can understand this anyway. Enjoy_

House of the Idiots Chapter 21

The scene sets on a bird's eye view of a black sedan speeding down a seemingly endless amount of twists and turns on a long desolate road. The road is on a cliffside, elevated over a valley of dark and dieing pine trees, as an eeriy fog cast over the fading forest. The cause of this plantlife distress could be associated with the city sized crater several miles off, where Raccoon City once stood. After the blast that leveled the city, radiation had poured off into the Arklay Mountains causing plants and animals alike to perish by the thousands. However over tens years later, besides rare pockets of radiation, the pine barrens of the Arklay Mountains are liveable again.

That is why as the black sedan pulled around a narrow bend, a large and familiar mansion greeted them in the distance. With the dark and depressing atmosphere of their surroundings, you would assume that the occupants of the car would feel just as down wouldn't you...wrong, "The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus-" As Krauser sang on from the back seat of the sedan, Wesker gripped the steering wheel tighter, his teeth grinding in a futile attempt to halt his rage, while in the passanger seat, Ada put her face in her hands, "The wheels on the bus go round an-" "Shut up, shut the hell up! This isn't a school bus, its a fucking car! So stop singing that God damn song right now!"

Krauser immediatly ceased his singing and Wesker gave a sigh of relief as he again concentrated on the road. The blessed silence sadly only lasted about 30 seconds as Krauser contemplated what Wesker said before smiling, "The wheels on the car go round and-" _POW_ Wesker sighed happily to himself as he went back to his driving while Krauser leaned over to the side unconcious, with a fist print on his face.

It seemed like forever before the black sedan pulled up to the front door of the mansion. Stepping out, Wesker, Ada, and a now concious Krauser walked out, and the marine looked up at the building with an amazed expression, "Wow, this is the Spencer Mansion? Its so big." Wesker only huffed in a response as they walked up to the front doors, "At least this time I don't have cerberuses chasing me through the doors."

As they entered the main hall, Wesker was suprised to see several workers finishing installing the carpets, and and mending a chandellier. As the three looked around a wheelchair came from the main dining hall, "Wesker my boy, over here!" they heard a voice and looked over to see Spencer grinning. Wesker groaned and walked up to the sickly old man, with Ada close behind.

"I wanna thank you so much for voluntering to be the caretaker for the Spencer Mansion" and Wesker's eyes narrowed, "You said this was mandatory." Spencer just laughed, "Mandatory, voluntary its almost the same thing...hey where did the big stupid one go?" Wesker and Ada both turned around simultaniously and realized that Krauser was nowhere to be found, "Krauser?" Ada called out.

Krauser hummed to himself as he threw another dart at the dartboard located in the rec room that held a small bar, piano, and secret passage behind a wall. As he pulled the darts from the board and was about to try again he seemed to lose all hearing in his ears besides a loud ringing that seemed to almost deafen him.

Slowly turning around his eyes widened as in the corner of the room, two young kids dressed in purple dresses with red pendant necklaces stared at him. Both of them had long blonde hair, long white gloves, and were most definatly twins. They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, before the twin's eyes widened as Krauser's eyes closed and he started to snore loudly, "Alexia dear sister...did he fall asleep?" The twin on the right could only sigh, "It would seem so dear brother...WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING MY DRESS?!" Alexia screamed as she just realized what her brother was wearing, while Alfred only chuckled awkwardly.

Hearing the door behind them start to open, the twins seemed to disappear into thin air as the door opened and Ada looked in. Seeing Krauser sleeping standing up in front of the dart board, she gave a sigh and woke him up before the two left the room.

The two soon met up with Spencer, and Wesker who had entered the long hallway connected to the dining room. As they went to the right Wesker suddenly paused for a moment and stared at the left end of the hallway. His eyes widened in fear as for a split second he saw the severed head of Kenneth J. Sullivan grinning at him from it's place on the floor, "Weeeesker" it taunted before Wesker rubbed his eyes and the head was gone.

Feeling a hand on his shoulder, Wesker tensed and turned around only for it to be Ada, "Wesker...you ok?" Wesker sighed, "Yeah...yeah i'm fine" he said and followed the group down the hallway. Krauser casually strolled down whistling a simple tune until he heard a voice in his head, 'Its not fair, i'm stuck on this oxygen tank, and this big moron next to me has enough extra air to whistle like a jackass.' Krauser turned to Spencer who was next to him and glared at the man in the wheelchair, "Hey it's not my fault your stuck on that stupid thing, and don't call me a moron gramps!"

Wesker and Ada both raised their eyebrows, "Um...Krauser, Spencer didn't say anything" Ada muttered however Spencer stared up at the marine with shocked eyes, 'He...he read my mind...he must have the shining' "Whats the shining?" Krauser asked out loud and Wesker smacked him on the back of the head, "Shut up Krauser and keep walking."

**ONE MONTH LATER**

All the workers and Spencer were long gone, leaving only Wesker, Ada, and Krauser to act as caretakers for the next few months. Over the last month Ada took it upon herself to dust most rooms once a week, and cook for the boys. Wesker mindlessly walked from room to room, each one bringing back chilling memories he had long since repressed. Even now he was sitting on an outside balcony in the very seat where Forest Speyer gave up the ghost after being pecked to death by crows. The blonde just stared off into the endless forest of half dead trees, but tensed when he heard a "Caw" and took off for the door.

Out in the courtyard Ada and Krauser decided to take a walk towards the worker's cabins to get some fresh air, and because the mansion surroundings were starting to get boring after a whole month. Inside the mansion Wesker sighed to himself and walked inside the small study on the second floor of the mansion. However he was suprised to see instead of the chess board usually sprawled out on the table, their was a giant replica of the whole mansion grounds. Looking at the courtyard he was shocked to see little minitures of Ada and Krauser walking towards the cabins. This shocked him but what scared him was for a second the minitures of Ada and Krauser turned into Chris and Jill on the night of the mansion incident. He watched as the minitures starting shooting snakes before he rubbed his eyes, twice. Opening them back up again he saw only the chess board that was there before, "Hmn...this fucking place is driving me insane" he muttered and left the room.

**TUESDAY**

Krauser considered himself one lucky son of a bitch as he road the three-wheeler around the mansion's first floor. He happend to stumble upon this children's toy in the shed of Lisa Trevor's cabin, possibly hers before she was mutated. Riding through the hallway where the cereberuses first broke into the mansion he rode by a small room with the face of Spencer on it. He suddenly felt the need to stop as he stared at the small room, and he remembered the eeriy warning Spencer had bestowed upon him through the shining, 'Don't touch my fucking stuff' he had said, and Krauser knew he was warning him of an omen that was inside that room. The image of the Ashford twins crossed his mind for a second before he jumped on his tric and hauled ass out of there.

Inside the dining room, Wesker listened to the gentle ticking of the grandfather clock as he rapidly typed away on one of the many typewriters spread throughout the mansion. That bastard Spencer had requested bi-monthly reports to be filled out on the mansion's current status. As he began to type about the plumbing he heard two voices behind him, "What is it Barry?" "It's blood...I hope it isn't Chris's." Wesker immediatly turned towards the fireplace to see that nothing was there.

Sighing he leaned back in his chair but jumped slightly as Ada walked into the room, "Um...Wesker...are you ok?" Wesker gave a cheeky crazed grin, "Just dandy Ada, this paperwork has sure put a smile on my face." he said in a mock happy voice and Ada felt hurt, "Oh...i'm sorry Wesker" "Well if your soooory Ada, you won't fucking bother, you'll fucking leave, and you'll fucking stay out of this room while i'm doing my paperwork...is that too much to FUCKING ASK?!" Ada slowly backed to the door, "N-no Wesker...not at all" she whispered and left the room.

**THURSDAY**

A snow storm seemed to take the 3 residents of the mansion by suprise as they awoke on that cold thursday morning. Currently Ada and Krauser were outside, throwing snowballs at each other and laughing happily. That is until one hit the marine in the eye and Ada consoled him as he wept like a baby in the snow. However inside the attic Wesker stared blankly at the wall, just...staring. His glasses were at his feet as he stared off in his own little world with his cat-like eyes. What he saw however wasn't a blank and dusty wall full of cobwebs. No, what he saw was Richard Aikens being devoured by the giant snake Yawn as Jill cried out helplessly before picking up Richard's shotgun and finishing the creature off. All the while as Wesker stared...just...stared.

**SATURDAY**

While Ada tried to get an outside line to the mansion, Krauser was busy riding his threewheeler around the mansion multiple times. However as he came upon the long hallway where the cerbersuses break in, he immediatly halted as he stared down the hallway to see the Ashford twins standing next to each other and staring at him, "Come and play with us Krauser..." Krauser's eyebrow raised before he gasped as images of the Ashford twin's bloody bodies crossed his mind. "Forever...and ever...and ever."

Any normal person would turn the other way and flee but Krauser shrugged his shoulders, "Ok...what do you want to play?" The twin's eyes both widened before they turned to each other, "He said yes, what do we do?" Alfred asked, and Alexia cupped her mouth so Krauser wouldn't hear, "I don't know...he was supposed to close his eyes tight and then we dissappear" "Well guys? I'm waiting" Krauser called from his bike.

The Ashford twins groaned awkwardly, "Oh, hey look it's a ball!" Alexia yelled as she pulled out a tennis ball, "Go get the ball boy!" she screamed and threw the ball behind Krauser, who jumped off his bike and ran after it, barking all the way. Alexia took this time to run through the door located behind her, but when Alfred tried it he discovered she had locked it, "Alexia dear sister please let me in!" he yelled as he banged on the door.

The petrefied Alfred turned around to see Krauser beginning to pick up the ball and he frantically looked around the room for a way out. Spotting a window next to him he got a running start and smashed through the window just as Krauser turned around, "I got it-_GASP _they dissappeared!" he said in a frightened tone before running from the hallway.

**MONDAY**

Ada and Krauser were lazily lounging around in the main hall of the mansion, bored out of their minds. With a long and heavy sigh Krauser began to rise from his place on the stairs, "This is boring I'm gonna go get my gameboy from the bedroom." Ada seemed a little reluctent, "Ok, but don't wake Wesker...he needs his sleep so he won't be so irritable." Krauser nodded and began to climb the stairs, "You need anything?" Thinking the obvious answer of no, he immediatly haulted when she said the last thing he ever thought she'd say, "Yeah...grab my vibrator...i'm bored." Krauser's face instantly turned red and he darted up the stairs, ignoring Ada's distant laughter.

Slowly opening the bedroom door, Krauser peeked in to see Wesker sitting on the bed staring at the wall, "Um...Wesker i'm just here to get my gameboy" he muttered and without looking at the marine, Wesker waved him over, "Come here for a second Krauser..." Krauser raised an eyebrow but still walked over, but wasn't prepared for when Wesker abruptly yanked the bigger man onto his lap, "You know I love you...right Krauser?" Krauser began to sweat from nervousness, "Um...yeah...I love you too?"

They sat their in an awkward silence for a moment before Krauser looked at Wesker serious, "Wesker...are you going to kill us?" The blonde looked at his friend, "Why no...I would never hurt you...never" he said in a robotic tone as Krauser smiled and began to walk out of the room with gameboy in hand.

With his back turned Wesker pulled his handgun out and aimed it at Krauser's back, "I would neeeeever hurt you Chris" he muttered as he pictured Krauser as Chris Redfield, "...Never hehehe" he chuckled and holstered his gun before continuing to stare at the wall.

**WEDNESDAY**

Krauser sat on the floor in one of the hallways playing with his toy trucks. However he paused as a tennis ball abruptly bounced in front of him. Thinking it was the Ashfords back to play again he looked up only to see a long empty hallway. Slowly rising from his place on the ground he walked down the long hallway and was suprised to see the Spencer key inside the lock of Spencer's private room, and the door partily creaked open. With caustious steps he pushed open the door and entered the room.

Ada was currently inside the small garden room on the first floor of the mansion. She was happy to see that the fountain was hooked up so that instead of shooting water up in the air, it could also shoot water on the various healing herbs lined up on the shelfs. Suddenly however, screaming caught her ears and she sprinted to the dining room to see Wesker tossing and turning in his sleep from his place on a chair.

Shaking him abruptly he fell to the floor and began to sob, "Oh God Ada it was horrible! I dreamt that I lured a whole group of special forces members into a mansion and had them all killed of for B.O.W combat data!" Ada's eyes widened and she rubbed his back soothingly, "Wesker...are you starting to regret luring the S.T.A.R.S members to their deaths?" Wesker stared at the floor, "I...don't know" he muttered before the doors opened and Krauser walked in, slowly making his way to the two.

As he walked up to them he suddenly fell to his knees and then face down on the ground. Ada frantically ran up to him, before kneeling down and examining his unconcious form. When he saw a large fist print on his chest, where several ribs were fractured, she gasped and looked over at Wesker, "You...you did this to him didn't you?!" Wesker held his hands up defensivly but said nothing as Ada began to drag the marine out of the room, "You son of a bitch!" she yelled before closing the door.

It was later on the night that Wesker feebly stumbled through the courtyard, mumbling almost incoherently to himself as he entered the cabins. In his paranoid state he refused to go into the right hallway in fear that Plant 42 would break through the floor again and lash out at him. Instead he walked into the room straight ahead, and into the large recreational room, with the pool table and lanterns he used for puzzles back in the mansion incident.

Taking a seat at the bar he gave a long sigh before he suddenly gave a wicked grin as he stared ahead of him, "Hello Enrico you old dog you!...A little slow tonight isn't' it?" he laughed as Enrico Marini appeared behind the bar, dressed as a bartender, "What will it be Wesker?" he asked with a sly smirk. Wesker laughed and took of his sunglasses, casually placing them on the bar before looking back up, "Well Enrico i'll take a nice Jack Daniel" he said in a dazed tone while Enrico poured his drink.

Wesker took a big swig and gave a satisfied 'ah', "I like ya Enrico, always have. Your the best damn captain Bravo Team has ever had" he praised before downing the rest of his drink and refilling it. "So how goes things Wesker?" Enrico asked while the blonde lazily swished his drink around in his hand, "Bad Enrico, bad....I never layed a hand on him Enrico, never touched the big oof...but that BITCH...in the red dress, won't ever let me forget what happend!"

Enrico stared intently at the blonde, waiting for him to go on, "Okayyyyyy, so maybe I hit him once...twice...ok like 70 different times but that fucking retard deserved every one of them!" he screamed before taking another sip of his drink. He almost coughed his drink up though as someone screamed his name as they entered the room. Looking behind him he saw Ada run up to him, and when turned around Enrico was gone and the glass in his hand a moment ago was nowhere to be found.

"Oh God Wesker, theres someone in the hotel with us! There is a crazy lady in one of the rooms, shes the one that hurt Krauser!" Wesker just stared at the cowering woman before him for a few seconds, "...Are you out of your fucking mind?" he asked seriously.

While this was going on, over at the Umbrella HQ Spencer sat in his office, overlooking all the employees as they worked away. However an earshattering ringing entered his ears and his pupils dilated as someone linked with him using the shining, 'Hello?...Hello is this thing on?...HELLO?!!!' Spencer screamed in his chair as Krauser yelled into his mind, 'Yes, yes you fucking moron I can hear you!' 'Oh good, so...what are you doing?' '_SIGH _Working Krauser is something wrong, the snow storm getting to bad?' 'No no, just wanted to ask you...isn't Lisa Trevor dead?' Spencer's eyes widened, 'Yes, don't you remember she died when the Nemesis's rocket hit her...why?' 'Oh...I think there might be a problem then sir.'

Wesker pushed open the door to Spencer's private office and looked around, not suprised to see that there was no crazy girl that Ada told him about. However he noticed a small note on the table with only one word on it, 'BATHROOM'.

Creeping over to the bathroom on the first floor, the blonde swiftly pushed the door open and looked around the small enclosure. He nearly pissed himself when he saw that the tub was full of dark murky water, the same that encased a zombie back in the mansion incident. Pulling out his handgun he carefully bent down and pulled on the plug, then stepped back. As the water drained while Wesker held the tub at gunpoint, he was certain he could see a form laying at the bottom.

Just as he was about to pull the trigger, the naked form of Jill Valentine slowly began to rise from the tub, a seductful look in her eyes. Wesker was quite taken back as Jill wrapped her slender arms around the blonde and pulled him into a passionate kiss.

Wesker was on cloud 9 as he closed his eyes and kissed back, however a minute later Jill's lips began to feel more cold and rough. He tried to ignore it, however he gasped in suprise as a tenticle licked his cheek and his eyes shot open to come face to 'faces' with Lisa Trevor. Wesker yelled as he took a step back, Lisa giving a horrifying laugh as Wesker darted out of the bathroom and slammed the door.

Heading back to the bedroom, Wesker began to explain to Ada that nothing was in the room, and that the wounds may have been self-inflicted. However what they didn't see was that in the bedroom, Krauser laid in his bed, staring at the wall with his eyes wide open. Every couple of seconds images of a door with words on it. He would then see visions of the elevator leading to the Tyrant lab. A tidal wave of blood was pouring out of the elevator as a deep voice called out, "Blood...I hope it's not Chris's."

Outside the bedroom, things had taken a turn for the worse as Wesker grabbed Ada by the hair, "You two have fucked up my life so far, getting me stuck in a shitty little apartment with you, but mark my words you are not gonna fuck up my life anymore!" he screamed and stormed out of the room, leaving Ada to sob on the couch.

Wesker growled to himself as he stalked through the courtyard towards the cabins, trying to get as much distance between him and 'those' two as possible. However as he entered the cabin he took notice that streamers and balloons were wrapped all around the door leading to the recreation room.

Carefully opening the door he was taken back by soft music being played for a crowd of people, all former workers of the Spencer Mansion. A greeter with long slicked back hair, and blue combat suit smiled at him, "Good evening Mr. Wesker" "Well good evening Mr. Speyer" he greeted happily to Forest Speyer.

Passing by several tables full of scientists and security guards he looked up at the second floor to see Kenneth Sullivan and Joesph Frost playing pool with Richard Aikens and Edward Dewey. Taking a seat at the bar he glanced to his left and growled seductivly at Rebecca Chambers clad in a sexy waitress uniform. The girl just blushed as she walked away, "Oh Mr. Wesker you dog you." Turning in front of him he chuckled as Enrico grinned at him, "What can I say Enrico, I'm a lady's man" "So what'll it be?" "The hair of the cerberus who bit me"

Enrico laughed, "So bourbon on the rocks then?" Wesker gave a cheeky smile, "You got it." Pulling out a paper bill he tried to hand it to Enrico who waved it off, "No charge sir" "No charge" Wesker asked confused, "Your money's no good here sir...literally. Thats a 1861 confederate dollar your trying to give me...how the hell did you get that anyway?" Enrico asked.

Wesker only laughed it off, and grabbed his drink. Taking a greedy swig he stood up from his stool and began to sway to the sound of the music as he passed by several tables of scientists. Just as he was about to go play pool with the other S.T.A.R.S members a waiter accidently bumped into him, leaving stains all over his clothes, "Oh i'm terribly sorry sir!" the man said sadly. Wesker only laughed it off, "No problem Jeevzy" he said playfully and the waiter escorted Wesker into one the bathrooms in the cabin.

While the man was wiping Wesker's clothes Wesker decided to spark up a conversation, "So what do they call you Jeevzy" "Trevor sir." Wesker's eyes widened, "Wait...George Trevor?" The man nodded, "Didn't you help design the Spencer Mansion Mr. Trevor?"

Trevor shook his head, "No I don't believe so sir." Wesker thought for a sec, "You a...married man George?" "Yes sir I have a wife and a daughter" "Oh...and where are they now?" he asked and Trevor just shrugged, "Oh...they're somewhere around I suppose." Wesker smirked, "Mr. Trevor...you WERE the heart of this mansion. Your wife died in an experiment, your daughter became an abomination, and you yourself died of starvation in front of your own grave. YOU were destined to die here Mr. Trevor. A victim of your own design caused by Ozwell E. Spencer."

Trevor silently glared at the blonde, "I beg to differ with you sir but, YOU are the heart of this mansion...and YOU are indeed the one destined to die here. I should know, i've been here forever sir." Wesker and Trevor continued to stare at each other before Trevor went on, "Did you know Mr. Wesker...that your friend Krauser is attemping to bring an outside party here? Yes he is attempting to bring Spencer himself."

Back in the mansion Ada paced frantically in front of the bedroom door, desperatly trying to think of a way to escape this mansion with Krauser. Speaking of which she began to hear noise coming from the bedroom, "Ada like...Ada like!" Krauser began to yell over and over again. Running into the room she began to shake Krauser who continued to stare at the wall from his bed, "Krauser...are you ok?" Suddenly Krauser reached into his pocket and pulled out his Joesph Stalin action figure he got from McDonalds, "Krauser is not here Ms. Wong."

**8 A.M**

Spencer stared out the window of his private helicoptor as it sped towards the Spencer estate. The pilot told him it would be awhile before they were able to reach the heliport on top of the mansion thanks to the radiation pockets they needed to avoid, "God I hope i'm not too late" he muttered to himself.

Ada slowly opened the large doors to the dining room, a baseball bat securely clutched in her hands. Creeping in she spotted a typewriter located all the way at the end of the long table. As she stalked to it, she made completly sure of her surroundings before looking at the small piece of paper jammed in the typewriter. Her breath caught in her throat as she read the single sentence that was repeated over and over and over.

_THIS TYPEWRITER REQUIRES AN INK RIBBON TO SAVE YOUR PROGRESS. WILL YOU SAVE YOUR GAME?_

She stared at the page for a minute until she realized there was a whole pile of pages, all with the same sentence over and over again. What she didn't see however was a blonde haired man on the second floor, looking down at her from the balcony. With a sick grin, Wesker jumped off of the balcony and landed on the table right in front of Ada. The Asian woman gasped in fear as she stumbled back, "How do you like it?!" Wesker asked

Ada stumbled back, holding the baseball bat up as a weapon, "What are you doing here Ada?" the Blonde asked, casually strolling along the top of the long table as Ada began to back towards the door. "I...I just wanted to talk" "Ooooook lets talk" Wesker said in a cheerful tone. Ada suddenly bumped up against the dining room door and quickly opened it, backing up into the main hall.

Wesker hopped off the table, and casually strolled out into the main hall, following Ada as she began to back up the main staircase, "Please Wesker" Ada began to whimper. With Wesker's superhuman abilities even the great spy Ada Wong knew she couldn't win, "Please don't hurt us Wesker" "Us?...You mean Krauser? Its always about FUCKING KRAUSER!" he roared before chuckling like a madman, "Just because that overgrown dickhead is sooooo fucking stupid, you treat him nicer then me!" "Please Wesker" Ada begged.

Wesker only grinned, "You really should have saved your progress on that typewriter Ada...you wanna know why?" Wesker asked in low tone as Ada shook her head in terror, "Its because I'm gonna bash your brains in...I'm gonna bash them right THE FUCK in" he said with a grin as they slowly advanced up the stairs.

As they reached the top Wesker began to reach for the bat only to have Ada crack him across the face with it. Wesker's sunglasses fell to the ground in a pile of glass as the blonde stared at the floor. Then he raised his head with a smirk, "Did you reeeeally think that would do the trick? I took iron girders to the head before, did you really think I couldn't handle a silly baseball-" his sentence fell short as the bat in question connected with Wesker's testicles, "-bat" he muttered in a squeaky high-pitched voice before he lost his balance and tumbled down the stairs, unconcious when he hit the bottom.

Wesker groaned to himself as he felt his body being carried along a rough carpet. As his eyes weakly opened he could tell by the ceiling that he was being dragged through the dining room, and into the adjacent hallway. In his daze he could only utter out incoherent parts of words as he was pulled into the small mansion recreation room with the baby-grand piano and secret passage.

The passage was left open when the workers of the estate left so all Ada had to do was pull the blonde inside without going through the trouble of finding music sheets, "A...Ada what are you doing?" Wesker asked in a dazed tone. Ada responded by grabbing the shield emblem off the far corner of the wall and diving through the passgeway as it slammed shut, sealing Wesker inside.

Ada sighed as she sat on one of the barstools, "I'm sorry Wesker. I'll get help, i'll take Krauser to the nearest town and we'll try to find a working phone and get you help." She suddenly tensed as twisted laughter came from behind the wall, "Hahaha, your not going anywhere Ada. I trashed the sedan, there is no way your getting out of here!" he continued his laugh and Ada seemed crestfallen until she thought of something, "Wait...you trashed your own sedan?" "Why yes I-...Aww fuck!!!" he screamed and Ada took this time to leave the room.

**4 P.M.**

Wesker snored contently from his place propped up against the wall. However that changed as a slight knocking on the wall caused him to come out of his sleep, "Ada?" he asked quietly. "Its Enrico, Mr. Wesker. Enrico Marini. Its seems you are in need of assistance Mr. Wesker. I am here to help you out." Wesker began to laugh maniaclly at the thought of getting free until he heard Enrico begin to slide his hands along the wall, looking for a crease, "Um...how do you open this door Wesker I never went in this room?"

Wesker sighed, "You gotta play Moonlight Sonata on the piano next to you, then it opens up." Enrico gave an 'uh' and Wesker groaned, "Let me guess...musically illiterate?" Enrico gave a chuckle, "Well you know I could just go find Jill or Rebecca to play."

Wesker was furious, "No I don't have the time, look there is a part of the score on the shelf near you, just sound it out!" Things were quiet for a few minutes as Enrico read over the notes. Wesker was about to fall asleep again before he was startled by Enrico's voice, "I got it Mr. Wesker, just sit back and be amazed" he said proudly and began to play. Wesker was amazed at Enrico's piano skills learned after only a short amount of time, but was pretty pissed off for another reason.

As the song came to an end, Enrico panted to himself as he finished up, "_PANT PANT _So Wesker? What did you think?" "That was great Enrico" Enrico grinned, "Except...I said to play Moonlight Sonata NOT THE HAPPY DAY'S THEME SONG YOU FUCKING MORON!!!"

Back in the second floor bedroom, Ada was taking a much deserved rest on the bed before she had to find a way out of this hellhole. Then seconds later Krauser mindlessly walked in carrying a large butcher knife. However he didn't stab Ada, but instead began to draw on the wall with red crayon while muttering, "Ada like, Ada like."

Ada's eyes fluttered open as the yells of "Ada like!" got louder and she gasped as she saw Krauser looking at her, "What do you mean Krauser? What do I like?!" she asked franitcaly before looking at the crayon on the wall. It didn't say Ada like, it said ADA LLIK. Looking into a nearby mirror she gasped as she saw the crayon's reflexion which said, "KILL ADA."

Outside the door Wesker mumbled to himself after waiting for God knows how long for Jill to show up and play the song for him to get out of there. However it was all worth it now, for he was now in front of the door that contained Ada and Krauser.

Slowly making his way to the handle, his hand gripped the knob tightly and turned it only for it to be locked. Suddenly text appeared at the bottom of his vision,

_ITS LOCKED. THERE IS AN ARMOR EMBLEM UNDERNEATH THE KEYHOLE._

Well now sadly poor Wesker would have to go search for the armor key in order to get to his friends...right? "Phfft, screw that" Wesker muttered and brought his fist back before connecting it with the door in a devistating thrust punch, "Heeeres Wesker!" he screamed before getting a face full of mace curtosiy of Ada Wong.

As the blonde screamedi in agony Ada grabbed Krauser's hand and lead the marine out of the room.

On top of the mansion, snow flew off of the heliport from the strong wind created by Spencer's helicoptor as it touched down. Spencer lowered his wheelchair and looked at the pilot, "Keep the blades running, I gotta feeling somethings not right" he yelled to the pilot who nodded in acknowledgement.

Spencer descended down the elevator into the dark halls of the laboratory. Just as he was about to head towards the mansion, red flashing lights caught his eyes and he then heard the familiar female robotic voice come onto the intercom, "10 minutes until self-destruction!" the voice screamed and Spencer wasted no time heading to the self-destruction room.

As he entered the room everything seemed to be quiet dispite the voice constantly echoing through the intercom. Carfeully wheeling towards the abort panel he called out, "Hello?...Hello is anybody here?!" he yelled out. Just as he reached the panel and began to put in the abort code, a pair of cat eyes appeared behind him before a hand was thrust through the old man's chest.

As the man gasped for air, Wesker whispered into his ear, "I said I was going to shove my hand through your chest...and it seems I was finally able to do it" he mocked before Spencer fell out of his chair, dead.

Back at the cabins Ada was in a panic as she looked for Krauser who ran off in a fright as the countdown began. The countdown was now at nine minutes and as she ran past one of the rooms she paused and looked back in. She was agasp to see a man in a Cerberus outift, on his knees in front of a man who looked like Joesph Frost.

Turning a corner she screamed as she came upon Forest Speyer. However he didn't look like he did when Wesker was at the party, but instead like he did after he was killed by crows. He smiled at her with one eye pecked out and several bleeding laserations all over his body. Holding up a drink he joked, "Great party isn't it?" he laughed before she ran the other way and into the recreation room.

She gave yet another shriek as she came upon the party Wesker was at earlier before. However in the places of all the party guests were their zombie counterparts after they were all killed in the mansion incident. They all sat motionless in their chairs or frozen in motion as cobwebs covered their decrepit features before Ada turned and ran out of the cabins.

Running up to the elevator in the fountain that lead to the labratory, she descended to the labs below, praying that Krauser was down their as the timer reached it's 6 minute mark. Exiting from the elevator she began to enter the labs when she looked back just in time to see mountains of blood exiting the elevator as she ran through the door and sealed it behind her.

As she turned a corner a hand came up to her mouth, muffeling a scream. Turning around she saw it was Krauser, "Shh Weskers down here, and after turning on the timer he killed Spencer." Ada began to weep, "What do we do Krauser? My boyfriend is trying to kill us." Krauser thought about it, "Well Spencer had to get here somehow, lets get to the heliport" he whispered and the two began to head towards the port.

As they entered a long hallway a glimmer caught their attention and they looked over to see Wesker holding an axe and grinning at them, "So Chris, and Jill...you think you can make your escape do you?" Krauser and Ada both took a step back, "Please Wesker don't do this!" "Do what Jill?! Keep you from abandoning the rest of the S.T.A.R.S members?! Don't you get it guys?-" he asked as he took a few steps towards his friends, "-We are ALL destined to die in this hellhole. Whether it be from dogs, or crows, or being impaled by a tyrant we all died down here...except for you, Barry, and Rebecca" he muttered as he held the axe up, "But Barry and Rebecca have accepted their fates" he said and for the first time Krauser and Ada could see droplets of blood drip off of the glimmering axe.

"And now it's your turn!" he screamed and began to limp towards his former friends. The limping was due to a combination of both his inability to see very well due to mace and the fact that his balls still hurt like hell. The two turned away and dashed for the heliport but accidentally took a wrong turn and ended up in the Tyrant lab.

The timer reached it's 4 minute mark as the two backed up into a corner of the large tyrant room, bubbling messes of unformed tyrants floating in the murky liquid. Wesker took a couple steps into the room and then began to slowly approach the two, "And this is where are story ends guys" he said in a twisted tone.

As the two backed up against a control panel, Ada's butt connected with a lever and the two watched amazed as a testube behind Wesker drained completly and a giant tyrant punched through the glass. Wesker turned around just in time for him to relive his greatest fear as the tyrant's claw once again found a home through his chest. Ada was in tears as she was being pulled out of the room by Krauser, "Wesker!!!" she cried as the blonde coughed up blood from his position on the floor.

As the two ran into the elevator that led to the heliport Wesker tried to crawl away from the tyrant before his eyes caught sight of a familiar canister, "Well well...so Spencer did get his hands on some Uroboros" Wesker smirked evilly before punching his fist through the canisiter and allowing the Uroboros to consume him once again.

The pilot in the helicoptor tapped his foot nervously as the timer reached it's two minute mark, but turned his head when the elevator doors opened. However it wasn't Spencer who emerged but Ada and Krauser who stumbled over to the helicopter, "We have to get out of here quick!" she yelled and the pilot seemd confused even though his face was covered by his helmet visor , "Where is Spencer?!" he yelled over the blades and they quickly explained it to him before they began to take off from the helipad.

Suddenly the helipad floor burst open, but unlike the mansion incident, it wasn't a tyrant that emerged but the mutated form of Wesker, "CHRIS!!!" He screamed as he tossed his long tenticle hand and wrapped it around the helicoptor's landing gear. Ada and Krauser seemed scared until the pilot threw a large weapon onto their laps, "Quick use it! Destory the monster with it!" he screamed before Ada and Krauser both picked up the rocket launcher and aimed it at their friend.

With tears in both their eyes they pulled the trigger, "Sorry Wesker" they muttered as the rocket flew from the launcher and contacted with Wesker sending him to the ground with scream, Uroboros chunks flying everywhere. As the timer reached 5 seconds Wesker stared up at the helicoptor with tears in his eyes, "My destiny...my...des-" _KABOOOOM!!!!"_

Up in the helicoptor Krauser hugged Ada tightly as she wept into his chest. The marine began to stroke her hair soothingly before looking at the pilot, "Hey pilot...what airport are we heading to?" he asked when suddenly the pilot turned his head to them and pulled up his helmet's visor revealing a very dead and zombified Brad Vickers, "Why we are heading back to the S.T.A.R.S headquarters located smack dab in the middle of Racoon City!" he yelled cheerfully.

Both Ada and Krauser looked horrified as in the distance, they could see not a giant crater caused by a nuke, but instead a very real Raccoon City. "And we're just in time for the outbreak too, the Nemesis just loooves S.T.A.R.S members" he yelled and Krauser and Ada looked at each other to see that they no longer looked like Ada Wong and Jack Krauser, but instead Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine. As the helicoptor flew towards Racoon City, Chris and Jill gave shrieks of terror as the zombiefied Brad laughed manically.

* * *

"Krauser...Krauser?" Ada asked as she shook the marine's unconcious form from the back seat of the sedan. She then gave Wesker a scowl, "You didn't have to hit him so hard for singing you know!" she yelled at the blonde who sighed, "Well that fucking school bus song was annoying!" Krauser's eyes suddenly fluttered open, "Ada!" he yelled happily as he hugged the girl through her seat, "Your you, and i'm not Chris Redfield!" Wesker chuckled at that, "If you were I'd have to kill you" he said cheerfully before being abruptly hugged by the marine, "And Wesker, your not dead!!!"

Wesker yelled as he regained control of the car, "Christ Krauser we almost flew off that cliff because of you!" Krauser just apologized as the Spencer Mansion came into view, "Well we are almost there, then we get to spend forever in that fucking hellhole I thought I escaped. I wonder what it will be like." Krauser only chuckled, "Hehehe I can only imagine."

* * *

Inside the main hall of the Spencer Mansion on the second floor, two blonde haired twins stared out a large window as a black sedan pulled up, "They are here dear sister..." "Yes brother...I know" they said before erupting into a twisted laughter.

The scene sets on the cabins as soft ballroom music begins to play. As the scene goes inside the rec room the camera slowly begins to zoom up to a small picture behind the bar. The picture shows a group shot displaying every member of the S.T.A.R.S team in the front row, and in the middle and back rows are every scientist and worker in the Spencer mansion, along with George Trevor who had an arm around his wife he was kissing while having a hand on the shoulder of his daughter Lisa. All the people were wearing formal attire and in the front row center Albert Wesker held a sign up as he grinned happily at the camera along with everyone else, 'Spencer Mansion Annual Ball July 25th, 1998.'

_**ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY**_

_Author's Notes: I hope you enjoyed this Shining parody, and I hope you guys aren't pissed that I used the cheap ending of it being a dream, but I couldn't exactly kill off Wesker, and I didn't want Spencer dead (Just yet). Anyway I hope you enjoyed this story and please leave a review if you have the time._


	22. Oh Sh1t, it's Chris Hansen!

_Author's Notes: I can honestly say that this chapter is not as creative or as intersting as my last plot with the Shining, but I can assure you this is just a precursor to a hillarious plot in the making. Enjoy._

House of the Idiots Chapter 22

It was bright and early on a fine sunny day at the apartment complex as Krauser popped his head into the living room to see Wesker watching TV. Creeping up behind the couch he watched the blonde's bored expression before taking in a breath of air, "HI WESKER!!!" he screamed causing Wesker to instinctively turn around and punch the marine with such force that he flew through the apartment's door and into the hallway.

As Krauser laid on the floor in a daze, Wesker walked up, "What the fuck is your problem Krauser? You nearly scared the shit out of me?" Krauser grinned weakly with teeth obviously missing from his bloody mouth, "Just...wanted to see if you wanted to hang out with me." Wesker scoffed, "I don't have time to hang out with 'children' Krauser, why don't you go bother Ada" he said and walked down the hall to get something to eat.

With a sigh Krauser walked into the apartment's bedroom and loomed over Ada's sleeping form. Krauser wanted to wake her but didn't want her to freak so he just got down to her eye level and decided to wait for her to wake up.

Ada's eyes fluttered open from the sound of heavy breathing and came face to face with Krauser's crusty scarred face. After the inevitable scream and asskicking, Krauser was tossed from the room, "I don't have time to play with you Krauser! Go play with someone else!" she screamed and slammed the bedroom door.

Grumbling, Krauser walked over to the telephone and punched in a few numbers. On the other end of the line William Birkin picked up the phone, "Yes?" "Nerdo! Its Krauser what are you up to?!" he asked with enthusiasm and recieved a growl on the other end, "The hell do you want stupid?" he asked in obvious irritation and Krauser laughed it off, "Just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out with me" he said happily and Birkin sighed, "I don't have time to play your childish games Krauser, there is work to be done. Why don't you just go on one of those online chatrooms and find a new friend that can tolerate your stupid ass."

Krauser thought for a second, "Hmn...thats a good idea I guess...but what are Annette and Sherry up too?" "Stay away from my family" _CLICK_ As the line went to the dialtone on the other end, Krauser gave a sigh and hung up the phone.

Moments later he was on Wesker's laptop trying to find a good chatroom. He was about to click on the Adultfriendfinder popup when he thought of something, "Everyone thinks i'm too childish...maybe if I go on a chatroom for younger people they will understand me better."

With that in mind he surfed the web when he finally found what he was looking for, "Oh heres one, " he said happily and immediatly set up an account. The website said that the username should somehow describe an intrest or yourself in general. Thinking about it, he decided to make it about his love of going to the gym so he typed in his bodytype, and combined it with the number of his gymlocker, 'RockHard69.'

When that was done he decided to send out an instant message to all members, 'Hello I am a 32 year old man looking for a fun time with a younger individual. If you have any intrest in hanging out and having fun, IM me back!'

Krauser looked at his message and was about to send it before he realized it seemed to be missing something, "Oh I got it!" he said happily, ':3' . "Perfect!" he said happily and sent it. It was some time later that almost all of the website blocked his account besides one member who requested a chat, "SexyPreteen123?" Krauser asked confused at the the name but shrugged it off,

**RockHard69 has entered chatroom**

_RH69: Hey SexyPreteen, whats up?_

_SP123: Oh you know...just chilling at my house and playing with my barbies since I'm totally a preteen and underage in every way. You like to play with 'toys'? I'd love to play with you._

Krauser smiled, this was definatly his kind of chatroom. He tried to think of his favorite toys whether it be his WW2 toys he got from McDonalds or the toy trucks Ada bought him from the toy store.

_RH69: Sure SexyPreteen, you can play with my toys anyday haha._

_SP123: Mmm sounds good, we should get together reeeal soon._

It was later on that day that Krauser hummed to himself as he got off of the bus in a nice suburban neighborhood located just off the border of the city. He was so happy that he was going to play with a new friend, and carried along a bag full of his favorite toys and some Wendy's burgers for them to share.

The girl said her parents weren't going to be home which was ashame since Krauser would have really liked to meet them. He was also looking forward to seeing her cat because for some reason throughout the whole chat she keep refereing back to her cat and all the ways they could play with it.

Spotting the house number he walked up to a nice two story suburban home and knocked on the door. "Come on in!" he heard a voice yell and slowly pushed open the door and walked into the living room, "Uh...SexyPreteen you in here?" he yelled out and heard a voice come from the kitchen, "Yeah I'm just finishing up baking some cookies for you!" she called out and Krauser beamed as he sat down on the couch.

Suddenly seconds later a tall man in a suit emerged from the kitchen, two men with cameras following him. Krauser seemed confused but smiled anyway, "Oh hello there, SexyPreteen said her dad wouldn't be home but its good to meet you" he said happily and held his hand out for the man.

The man glared at his hand for a second and then at him, "You know who I am?" he asked seriously and Krauser shook his head, "I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline. Are you familiar with the show?" Krauser again shook his head, "If it doesn't have a talking sponge that lives in a pineapple I haven't seen it" he said honestly and the man growled, "Lets have a talk Mr. RockHard69."

Back in the apartment across the city Wesker sighed to himself on the couch before the phone next to him rang. "Hello?" he asked after picking it up and was suprised to hear a frantic Annette Birkin, "Wesker are you watching To Catch A Predator on Dateline?!" she yelled and Wesker gave an uh, "No Annette can't say I am" "Well put it on quick!"

Picking up the remote he flipped over to Dateline and screamed in terror at the image of Krauser's oblivious smiling face as he sat next to Chris Hansen while he read the online chat out loud.

"She said to show her your favorite toy, and you responded by sending her a picture of this ass plug" Chris said as he held up a picture. Krauser raised an eyebrow, "Ass plug? Thats the Atom Bomb attachment that goes with my WWII Truman action figure." Hansen scoffed, "Oh please are you really trying to convince me that you actually do play with toys?"

Krauser nodded in a serious manner and was taken back as he recieved a bitchslap across the face by an infuriated Chris Hansen, "Listen to me you pedo freak! It is one thing to lie about being a sicko but when you try to pass a depraved sex toy off as a children's plaything you have gone too fucking far asshole!"

Krauser just stared at the man silently, "Um...sorry?" he asked and Chris pointed towards the door, "Get the fuck out of my sight" he muttered and Krauser sighed, and began to get up, "Can I get one of those cookies she was baking?" "LEAVE!" Krauser yelped and walked towards the door.

As the man reached the door his cellphone began to ring, "Hello...Wesker hey hows it going...yeah I'm in the suburbs how did you know that...yeah I just got done talking to Chris...Hehehe Wesker thats silly why would police be waiting for me outside...THEY THINK I'M A WHAT?!" Krauser abruptly dropped his cellphone and bolted through the door.

It wasn't soon after he stepped out onto the sidewalk that several guns were aimed at him, "Freeze pedo!" one cop yelled and Krauser responded by hauling ass down the street. With the marine's superior stamina it wasn't long that he had outrun the foot patrols but that didn't help much as a squad car driven by Kevin Ryman plowed into the side of him.

All over the city most people who knew him had seen the fall of Jack Krauser. Over in a small townhouse, several members of the BSSA laughed maniaclly at the suffering of the Umbrella member, except one of the members, a small petite girl with short brown hair and pretty green eyes who looked at Krauser's form with sympathy.

At the Birkins, Sherry had tears in her eyes as her friend's unconcious form was put in the back of a squad car. As Annette gently stroked her head to calm her, William growled while he paced back and forth, "This whole time, this whole fucking time he was just putting up a front!" Annette's eyes widened, "What do you mean honey?" "I mean this whole time he was just acting harmless and innocent to get near our daughter, Sherry honey has he ever touched you?" William asked serious and Sherry glared at her dad, "Dad thats horrible! No he has never touched me, he would never harm me!"

Annette sighed, "William think about it, Krauser can really UP the stupidity at times. Maybe he talked to that kid on the chatroom to find a new friend" "Well where would he get an idea like-" His eyes suddenly widened as the conversation he had with Krauser on the phone earlier invaded his mind, 'Why don't you just go on one of those online chatrooms and find a friend that can tolerate your stupid ass'. The foreign emotion of guilt swept William and he immediatly knew he had to try and find a way to help him out.

Back at the apartment Ada was in hysterics as she wept into the couch while Wesker talked to the landlord and Alyssa at the door, "He was clearly set up! He would never do this!" Alyssa screamed as the landlord nodded.

Wesker groaned as he massaged his temples, "Look guys I'm gonna go down to the police station and try to see if we can post a bail and figure out his court date. Then I gotta call Umbrella and get a company lawyer to defend his ass. In the meantime please console her" he said as he looked sympathiticly over to Ada. The two nodded and walked over to the girl as Wesker shut the door.

Krauser sat in the county lockup curled up in a fettle position while rocking back and forth on the floor. He was petrified at all of the rough looking characters staring at him, but didn't realize that they were more scared of him, "Yo bro whos that muscular looking guy rocking back and forth on the floor?" a gang member asked a DUI suspect. The second man shrugged, "I don't know but I wouldn't wanna fuck with him, he looks strong AND crazy." The gang member nodded in agreement.

Suddenly the cell door came open, "Alright which one of you lowlifes is Krauser?" A shaking hand from the floor caught the officers attention, "You gotta vistor Juggernaut" he muttered and led Krauser away from the cell as everyone in it gave sighs of relief.

Upon seeing Wesker sitting at a phone behind glass, the marine quickly picked up the other line. "Alright Krauser...I'm gonna give you just one chance to explain yourself, and then i'll decide to help you our not."

A week later in a small courtroom in the city, Krauser sat disheviled on the right side of the room reserved for the defense, shaking like a leaf. On his side of the room in the many rows behind him sat several employees of Umbrella and a few of Krauser's gym friends. Some of the more recognizable ones would be Wesker and Ada who sat in the front row, the landlord who sat in the third row, and Annette Birkin who sat next to Spencer and HUNK in the very back row.

On the prosecution's side sat a very evil and smug looking district attorney and with him two witnesses, Chris Hansen and the girl who posed as the underage teen.

In the rows behind him sat several members of the BSAA who included Chris and Jill in the first row, Leon and Ashley in the fourth row, and Barry Burton in the last row. Chris glanced across the room at Wesker and gave a sly grin, "1 down, 2 to go" he mocked and Wesker glared at him, "We shall see...Chris" he growled while giving empasis on the word 'Chris'.

Krauser began to whimper and looked back at Wesker, "Wesker what happened to my attorney? Isn't he supposed to be here by now?" Wesker patted him on the shoulder reassuringly, "Relax Krauser I got the best attorney Umbrella has."

Suddenly in the back of the courtroom, the silence was broken by a cheerful ringtone before Spencer answered his phone, "Hello...oh dear really...ok i'll tell him." Krauser looked behind him as Spencer's familiar wheelchair wizzed up to the defense stand, "Uh...Krauser your lawyer's not coming" "What?!" "Yeah it turns out he was also caught trying to solicate sex to a minor. Actually his case is right after this one" Spencer chuckled before giving a sad frown.

Everyone on the defense side looked upon Krauser with sympathy as the marine slammed his face against the table and sobbed into it. "All rise for the honorable Judge Bradshaw!" the balliff yelled and everyone rose as a middle aged man with slickbacked black hair and moustache walked up to his post, "Be seated".

Krauser gripped his head in his hands, groaning as he stared at the vacant seat beside him that should have contained his company lawyer. Several snickers from the prosecution side could be heard along with the shuffling of paper as the judge went through the various documents on his podium.

"Ok Mr. Krauser says here that you are here today on the charges of posing as a nun to infiltrate an orphanage, and raping and murdering a classroom full of orphans. How do you plead?"

Everyone in the courtroom even on the prosecution side screamed a unified, "What?!" before the judge flipped to another page and cleared his throat, "Sorry, I mean that you are charged with attempting to solicate sex to a minor. How do you and your lawyer plead...hey where is your lawyer?"

Krauser gulped before the courtroom door was swiftly pushed open and William Birkin clad in a suit, and holding a briefcase waltzed in, "We plead not guilty your honor" he said as he walked by all of his stunned co-workers and sat down next to the bewildered marine.

The judge sighed and raised his gavel, "Then I hearby announce that the trial of Jack Krauser V.S. Dateline NBC will now come to order." With that the gavel came down, _CRACK._

_Author's Notes: And there you have it. If you never saw Dateline and don't know about "To Catch a Predator" with Chris Hanson, it is a pretty crazy show and is totally real. Well I hope you enjoyed it so far, and stay tuned for the trial of Jack Krauser._


	23. Thank God Justice Is Blind

_Author's Notes: Damn its almost been three years since my last update. Doesn't seem like it but I figured I might as well buckle down and finally write the next chapter of this story before college gets serious. Anyway read and enjoy._

House of the Idiots Chapter 23

An overcast of sporadic grey clouds littered the sky overtop of the somber city court. Inside the courtroom, a ceiling fan made its silent trek while a stern prosecutor paced back and forth in front of the witness stand.

Holding up a plain grey doll, the middle aged prosecutor stared sympatheticly at the crying form sitting up on the stand, "Now I know this must be very difficult for you...but please tell me, where did he touch you?"

A large muscular arm raised and pointed towards the doll's neck, "Right here, before he tried to slit my throat" Leon Kennedy stated before breaking down in tears, the jury gasping in response. From her seat Ada shook her head as she stared at the weeping government agent, "I can't believe I had sex with him" she muttered boredly, ignoring Wesker's shocked face beside her.

Krauser groaned, slamming his head against the defendent's table as his old rival Leon continued rambling on about all the bad shit he did to the pretty boy during his mission to Spain.

Next to Krauser, Birkin stood up, "Objection! I believe Krauser is on trial for attempted molestetion. I fail to see how this character witness is relevant." The judge nodded and looked at Leon, who scowled at Krauser, "...back in boot camp he used to stick his finger up my butt."

Everyone in the courtroom were shocked silent as they awaited Krauser's rebuttal, "...no comment" he muttered, resulting in gasps from everyone, including Birkin. "No further questions Mr. Kennedy" the prosecutor proudly proclaimed before taking his seat next to Chris Hansen and allowing the defense to cross-examine.

Birkin cleared his throat and straightened out his tie before calmly walking over to the witness stand, pacing back in forth in front of Leon like a tiger who cornered his prey.

Leon could feel droplets of sweat trickle down his forehead as he was eyed up by Sherry's father, "Mr. Leon Kennedy...if that IS your real name-" he cooed, not noticing the judge raise an eyebrow at this so-called attorney.

"-Would you describe Krauser as a 'handsome' man?" he asked non-chalantly, causing the mouths of about everyone in the courtroom to drop open, except for the judge who glared daggers at the scientist.

"Excuse me?" Leon uttered, face growing red, "Must get pretty lonely in the army huh? Admit it, with that girly haircut and moisterized skin, you wanted him to make a pass at you!"

"Who wouldn't?!" shouted one of Krauser's homosexual gym friends, resulting in giggles from the others, "Oh no you didn't Antonio" laughed another.

Leon's face was the shade of a tomato at this point as the prosecutor jumped up from his seat, "Objection!" "Sustained" the judge declared, "Mr. Birkin, do you actually have any liable evidence as to why this character witness should be stricken from the record or don't you?"

Birkin quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper, "Lets see here...here we go according to federal statute all government agents must be approved witnesses by their agencies before they can testify, Leon never registered for it so he can't."

The judge stared at Birkin, gavel silently hovering over its base before he gave sigh and slammed it down, "sustained, sit down Mr. Kennedy" he growled as Leon rose from his seat and sat down next to Ashley who immediatly latched herself onto him possesively.

William confidently sat down next to Krauser, a smug grin on his face as the marine looked over at him desperately, "Why didn't you just use all of that stuff about statutes and crap from the start?" Birkin looked over like it was obvious, "What, and miss out on screwing with the guy who fucked me up back in Raccoon City? Fat chance." Birkin turned towards the stands behind him and gave Leon a coy little wave, accompanied with a sly grin. Leon shuddered in response as Krauser buried his head in his hands, groaning patheticly.

* * *

"So how long have you worked out at the gym with the defendent Mr...um?" The prosecutor began as he attempted to read the folder in front of him. "That would be Mr. Antonio Gurrerro Lucadorez Fernando the third, and don't you forget a single sylable of it honey" replied a large latino man, sitting cross-legged on the witness stand. From the audience the prosecutor could hear another one of the defendent's gym buddies giggle, "Oh no you didn't Antonio!" he cooed. The prosecutor sighed as he read over the file for this so-called 'chracter witness'.

"Ok so Mr. Fernando, why is it you believe that Mr. Krauser over there wouldn't be capable of performing the act he is being accused of?" Antonio pukered his thick calogin-injected lips flamboyently, "Uh, he rejected ME honey. Which means the guy is obviously asexual, as in he doesn't like anybody in a sexual way period." Krauser gritted his teeth as his friend from the gym made a fool of himself, and the prosecutor merely chuckled.

"Isn't it possible that Krauser merely has no interest in men, and pushing that further, isn't it possible that Krauser could perfer those that are underage and therefore illegal?" Antonio gave a snarky chuckle, "Nuh uh sweety, Krauser may look big and scary, but the guys like a giant kid. When we used to jump rope together in the gym he'd start skipping and singing songs. He's harmless I tell ya."

The prosecutor sighed and motioned for the giant man in a tanktop to sit down, "No further questions". But Antonio wasn't finished, "Um, I got a question for you honey. Does your mommy still dress you?" The prosecutor's eyes widened, "I'm sorry?"

Antonio grinned as he leaned back in his chair, "Cause if she did I'd like ta' smack that bitch upside her head for thinking that shirt goes with those pants." In the stands Antonio's friends laughed again, of course followed by the stereotypical, "Oh no you didn't Antonio!" by one of them.

Red in the face the prosecutor slammed his file to the ground, papers flying out everywhere as he glared at the man, "How dare you!" Antonio leaned forward in his chair and pointed at him, "How dare I? How dare you! Thinking you some big shot up in here with your tacky little tie and cheap community college law degree. Got my friend in here on some bullshit charges setup by this stupid homophobic government."

The prosecutor growled at him, "I had nothing to do with his arrest. I'm just doing my job" he shouted back and Antonio chuckled as he directed his pointed finger down to his clothes, "Well your job certaintly isn't dressing yourself. I swear I wish your momma was here." The prosecutor took a brave step forward, "If you talk about my mom one more time" he began in a threatening tone, but immediately shrunk back as the large man rose from his witness chair and towered over him, "You'll what?" he egged on.

They tensed as a gavel cracked loudly through the court, "Enough! Balliff, remove Mr. Fernando from my courtroom immediately before I hold him in contempt of court!" The balliff made quick work of dragging a non-resisting Antonio off the stand and towards the double doors in the distance, "Be waiting for you in the parking lot honey" he stated sweetly to the prosecutor as he brushed by him.

As they passed by Krauser, Antonio raised his thumb and pinky up to his face and wordlessly mouthed 'call me' before he was pulled somewhat forcefully from the courtroom, several chuckles and giggles coming from the audience.

* * *

'This can't be happening. This can't be freakin happening' Krauser kept thinking with his head in his hands. He assumed before this trial began that his friends and colleagues woud be vital parts to getting him off scott free with his testimony, however the more the people he knew took the stand, the more he was starting to regret putting them down as witnesses to his character.

He didn't even know why he decided to put HUNK down since the man couldn't talk, but here the masked mercenary was sitting up on the witness stand, laptop in his hands as Birkin calmly paced back and forth in front of him, "So Mr. HUNK, you've worked for the Umbrella Corperation for a number of years correct?"

Nobody knew how this one was gonna turn out, but HUNK quickly typed on his laptop. "That. Is. Correct" came a monotonous robotic voice from the laptop's speakers. The judge raised an eyebrow but allowed it.

Birkin nodded, "Mmhm, and in that time have you ever known Krauser to be a man capable of violence or deception?" HUNK silently chuckled as he typed away, "He. Is. A. Pansy...A. Joke...We. Attempted. To. Spar. One. Time. And. He. Somehow. Stabbed. Himself. In. The. Foot."

Birkin chuckled but dismissed it, "Well accidents do happen." HUNK shook his head and typed some more, "He. Was. Using. Numbchucks.!" Birkin looked over at Krauser in suprise, "You stabbed yourself with numbchucks?" Krauser chuckled awkwardly, "Funny story about that" he began but the judge interupted, "Enough Mr. Krauser. Is there any other questions Mr. Birkin?"

The scientists-turned-lawyer glared at the man on the stand, "Yeah as a matter of fact there is. Where do you get off breaking into a man's lab and attempting to steal his life's work?" HUNK's eyes widened behind his gasmask and he quickly typed onto his laptop.

"Woah. Where. Is. This. Coming. From. All. Of. A. Sudden.?" Birkin growled, "I've been wanting to call you out on it ever since we came back from Raccoon City. I figure a courtroom is as good a time as any to do it." HUNK typed again, "Well. I. Kind. Of. Think. Killing. All. Of. My. Men. After. You. Turned. Into. That. Giant. Monstrosity. Kind. Of. Made. Up. For. It. Don't. You. Think.?"

Birkin growl deepend into an almost feral tone, "Don't you dare call my baby a monstrosity! Its glorious!" HUNK shook his head before typing, "You. Know. You. Really. Need. To. Let. Stuff. Go...Especially. Since. If. You. Don't. I. Will. Kick. Your. Ass...Your. Ass...Your. Ass...Your. Ass...Your. Ass."

The judge tapped his fingers up on his stand impatiently, "Ok Mr. HUNK I believe we get the point." Down on the stand HUNK desperately pounded on the keyboard in an attempt to stop the artifical voice program from malfunctioning, before raising his hands up towards the judge in an 'I don't know whats wrong' kind of motion. Birkin crossed his arms and tapped his foot as he watched HUNK fight with the computer.

Eventually the mercenary just decided 'fuck it' and began to slam it against the side of the witness stand repeatidly, "Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass. Ass." it skipped repeatidly, and with each slam it seemed to go faster, "ASS-ASS-ASS-ASS-ASS!" With one final slam the machine exploded into a stream of electrical sparks and flickers before dieing down into a single cloud of smoke.

The judge looked down at HUNK and HUNK looked back up, "...Please be seated."

* * *

"Mr. Burton, I believe you've had a few run-ins with the defendent over the past couple of years. Care to tell us a few of these encounters?" The prosecutor questioned a cross-armed sneering Barry Burton who glared daggers over at Krauser, and altough Krauser was still in his overwhelmed state he still found the composure to glare back.

Barry unfolded his arms and ran his large hand through his beard in thought, "Well lets see, there was the time he dropped an air vent on Rebecca Chambers, the time he fought me in a bar brawl...oh and of course that time he had the balls to trick-or-treat at our hideout in friggin November!"

Throughout his rambling he barely noticed Ozwell Spencer scribbling on a large posterboard with a black marker in the very back of the courtroom. As the billionaire continued his arts and crafts project the prosecutor nodded encouragingly, "Of course, all good examples of Krauser's less-than-noble practices. Now do you think this could all be a simple misunderstanding as the defense wants you to believe?"

Barry sucked in a large quantity of air in order to scream out "Hell no!", but just as he was about to utter the first syllable, Ozwell held up his posterboard which happend to be a message for Barry.

'WE HAVE YOUR FAMILY' it stated, accompanied by a big smiley face in the bottom corner. Barry's eyes widened and he stalled. The prosecutor looked at him expectantly, "Mr. Burton...your answer?" Burton's jaw dropped slightly as he continued to glance at the card, which Ozwell waved back and forth in a mocking gesture, unnoticed by everyone.

"Ye-yeah, um...definately a misunderstanding." The prosecutor's delightful smile dropped instantly, "What? What the hell are you talking about?" Barry began to nod desperately, "Yep, definately a uh, ploy brought on by our um, homophobic government or whatever the hell that Latino fruit-loop was saying earlier." If the prosecutor wasn't already mostly bald he would've pulled huge chunks of hair from his scalp, "Are you freaking kidding me?! Your supposed to be a character witness for the prosecution, how the hell are you gonna tell me that it was all a misunderstanding?!"

Barry's eyes narrowed, "You know I'm starting to see why that guy is waiting for you in the parking lot" he muttered lowly as the judge's eyes seemed transfixed on the back of his courtroom, "What does that sign say?" he questioned as he squinted his eyes towards Spencer's posterboard.

Spencer's eyes widened but luckily he was prepared for this as most of the courtroom turned to look at the judge's revelation. Quickly flipping the sign over to the back it no longer had a death threat but instead said, "50% off all Umbrella Corporation foot ointments this week only at your local pharmacy".

Spencer gave everyone a cheeky smile as he flashed them his advertisment, and as everyone slowly turned forward again Chris leaned over to Jill, "Thats actually a pretty good deal" he whispered to her. She nodded in return.

The judge glared at Spencer, "Sir please put that down" he demanded, sounding almost tired as he looked over to Barry, "Mr. Burton is there anything else?" Burton zipped his lip and shook his head defiantley. The judge sighed, "Then please be seated."

* * *

Everyone in the courtroom seemed to have evident looks of either disgust, fascination, or fear as the next witness took the stand. The prosecutor stood further away from the witness booth as he held up the client's file.

"Ok so Mr...Krauser just put Mr. Landlord guy. Is that correct?" The landlord of Krauser, Ada, and Wesker's apartment sat on the stand, who was also in fact an advanced version of a licker due to a series of unfortunate events. This would most likely explain the disgusted looks on everyone's faces. The landlord grinned as saliva drooled out of his mouth, "Well my real name is Lan D. Lord, but I guess Mr. Landlord works too."

The prosecutor shuddered as the creature's exposed brain began to pulsate, "Ha-has Jack Krauser been a good tenant the few years hes been in your apartment building Mr. Landlord?" The landlord pondered it for a second as he used on of his massive claws to scratch a part of his chin. "Hmn, hes been pretty good I suppose. They all have."

In the stands Wesker, Ada, and even Krauser couldn't help but smile at the man's compliment. The prosecutor pressed on regardless, "Well have the occupants of that apartment exhibited any strange behaviors over the last few years?" The landlord paused at this, "Um..."

Images of mass murders during birthday parties, power outages on Halloween, chaos on Thanksgiving, explosions on Christmas, and bar fights on Valentines Day flashed through his mind, but he quickly brushed it off and shook his head, "No, can't say they have" he stated cooly.

In the stands Chris Redfield stood up in anger, "Oh this is total bullshit! Your gonna take a testimony from a man whose been turned into one of Umbrella's abominations?!" The judge looked at Chris and then to the court's stenographor, "Let the record show that a key member of the prosecution's case has made a remark pointing out the witness's skin condition."

Chris's jaw dropped, along with many others, even on the defendent's side. "Skin condition?! Are you serious?! Then how do you explain his giant claws and a tongue thats like fifteen feet long?!" The judge again looked to the stenographer, "Let the record state that he has now made remarks pointing out the witness's birth defects." On the stand the landlord frowned, suddenly feeling self-conscious as the man on the prosecution side pointed out all of his flaws.

The judge shook his head at Chris, "Mr. Redfield this is a place of justice, and as we all know justice is blind. Therefore she cannot see the horrible ugliness of those inside her building."

Chris grabbed Jill's hand and pulled her to her feet, "Fine you don't believe me? Show em' Jill" he stated and Jill convieniently pulled a marble out of her pocket and beamed it at the landlord. The marble connected painfully with the landlord's exposed brain, putting him into immediate shock as he slumped in his chair.

The judge was agasped, "Balliff! Restrain those two immediately!" he cried out, but both the balliff and judge haulted as they heard a deep moaning sound come from the chair at the judge's side. Looking over the landlord was concious again, but seemed to revert to his primative licker state as he immediately jumped up to the ceiling and began to crawl on it.

Everyone in the audience was frozen in fear as the licker seemed to be chosing who he was going to abduct. Looking over at the prosecution side he spotted movement coming from Leon Kennedy and Ashley Graham. Although Ashley was frozen in shock, Leon seemed to be pointing repeatidly with both hands to Ashley, as if begging him to pick her.

Instead he decided to choose the loudmouth who poked fun of his appearence earlier. Chris's eyes widned as the long tongue he bitched about just moments ago wrapped itself around his large frame and easily pulled him out of the stands. Most of the people on the defendent's side watched in silent amusement as the licker dragged the struggling BSAA agent over to a nearby window, and with a mighty jump crashed both of them through it and out of sight.

"Chris!" Jill cried out as she quickly unsheathed a large bowie knife from her boot and dove heard first through the window after her partner. Leon ran up to the broken window soon afterwards, Ashley being held high in the air as he cried out, "Wait, take her with you!" Ashley screamed as Leon through her unceramoniousy through the window as she too fell out of sight.

* * *

As the day's proceddings came to a close the judge gave everyone in the courtroom a look of disappointment, "I have to say I'm seriously disgusted with most of your displays in my courtroom today. In all my years of service to justice I've never seen a more ragtag group of morons and psychopaths than I have today. And thats going for both sides."

Some seemed slightly ashamed at the man's powerful words, however to most it fell on death ears as many rolled their eyes and awaited the end of the judge's little speech. Judge Bradshaw noticed this too and shook his head, "This courtroom is adjurned" as he slammed his gavel and quickly rose, "Now all of you, get the hell out of my courtroom" he muttered as he walked to the door to his chambers.

Krauser groaned as the balliff quickly handcuffed him and began to take him away. However he felt slightly better as he started to hear words of encouragement being yelled to him, "Stay strong Krauser!" cried Ada from the stands. "God speed!" shouted Spencer. "I wanna have your children!" cooed Alyssa. "I know it was you who drank the last of my orange juice!" accused Wesker. "I'm free!" declared Leon. "Popcorn! Get your popcorn here!" yelled a random vendor who walked into the courtroom as it was piling out.

Krauser raised an eyebrow as the voices began to get a little off topic, but had no time for any responses as he was pulled through the door and towards a bus heading for the county jail.

* * *

That evening as the sun finally began to set the tired prosecutor emerged from the municipal court and began to make the short trek to his car in the parking lot. The crickets chirping around him caused him to feel even more drowsy and as he opened his door and plopped into the front seat. Releasing a yawn the middle aged man adjusted his rear-view mirror, however his eyes widened in shock as he spotted a familiar looking face sitting in his back seat, looking at him smugly through the mirror.

"Hola chico" Antonio said happily as he dove for the front seat. Outside the tinted windows of the car all that could be seen was the car shaking violently accompanied by the muffled shrieks from inside.


End file.
